17th Jun2004

Callboy Engagements, The Boss?, The Lemon-Lime Union, “Planned” Parenthood?, and Hater Gal Pals

by Will

Random Things That Have Been On My Mind Today:

-So, it seems that ALL of Next Call are engaged! Seeing as how they’re only about 3 and 4 years older than me, it’s kind scary. Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy for the guys, but it’s like some weird longitudinal study coming to a head. I swear, like 8 of ’em got engaged in the past 2 months. Is there some race I don’t know about? Is this one of those Callboy traditions y’all forgot to tell us at the Chariot? Someone explain this to me!

-What exactly is Bruce Springsteen “The Boss” of?!!

-Why are lemon and lime always bunched together? What bastard did this to them? Now, it seems that they’re inexplicably linked, with no lives of their own. What if lime wants to go solo? Did anyone ever think of that?

-Why is it called “Planned Parenthood”? I’ve yet to hear of anyone going there because of a “planned” event. But I guess, “Shit, it broke!” or, “Damn, I ain’t even got my GED” wouldn’t look as professional on a sign…

-Girls, do NOT go shopping with your friends. I don’t care how long you’ve known them, or how much you’ve been through. Bottom line: your friends are bitches. They may act like they like you, but they only like you a little less than they like themselves. You’ll never be equal. Case in point. When shopping, so many girls’ll tell their friends: “You look GREAT in that! It’s SOOO Cute.” No, it’s not. She just wants to look better than you, and she’s ensuring that by exploiting your vulnerability. Most of the time, that dress just really accentuates your rolls or your “Christmas package”. You know what I’m talking about. It’s that region you hate most about yourself. And this dress doesn’t hide that. But Jill won’t tell you. Oh yeah, Jill’s also been going down on your boyfriend. Who’re you gonna look cute for now?!!

-Excelsior! to Marvel Enterprises! After a rough decade, y’all have finally gotten out of bankruptcy. With Spider-Man 2 coming in a few weeks, things can only get better. Yet, with all the shittier movies you’re planning, like Man-Thing, Iron Man, and Elektra, I’m sure we’ll be hearing another bankruptcy announcement in a few more months…