28th Oct2004

The One Where Carlton Plays Me In The TV Movie…

by Will

OK, I think I’ve completed the “Race Traitor” blog series…

I am so NOT a race-centered, Black Power kind of person. Anyone can tell you this. My a cappella group members ROUTINELY reminded me “Hey, I’m Blacker than you, Will!” My fucking a cappella group! Can you imagine being punked by an a cappella group? That’s like being an able-bodied, healthy person who loses the Special Olympics! That’s wrong, I know. But I had to get the point across (Love you, Last Call!)

I was the laughing stock of Cornell’s Africana Dept because I wasn’t Black enough. I was “pre-encounter” as they liked to call it.

Well, fuck ’em. I bamboozled them into signing off on my joint major, and for a pre-encounter boy, I sure have a pretty certificate that says otherwise…

I’m Black enough to get away with the jokes, and isn’t that really all that matters? 😛

Anyway, I’m not sure where all those posts came from. I think it was just stuff I always wanted to say, but felt I shouldn’t.

Anyway, I figure it’s time to stop before Ossie Davis and his NAACP pals show up at my door, looking pissed.

‘Cause you know what’ll happen next: They’ll kill me. But wait, there’s more.

Next, they’ll make a movie about it. It’ll be one of those BET Originals. AKA, “Shit not worth the film it’s on, starring Shemar Moore.” I swear, Shemar Moore is a beautiful man. Even I must admit that. He’s like the male Halle Berry. But he couldn’t act his way out of a Taiwanese whorehouse. For some reason, though, he’s the modern day Robert Redford of Black Cinema, which, as I’ve already covered, means nothing. Anyway, I’ve gotten off track.

So, they’ll make a movie about how vile and brainwashed I was to spout such evil about my race. But here’s the kicker. They’ll create some random, non-existent character for Shemar to play. He’ll be from the wrong side of the tracks, where they didn’t celebrate Halloween and he’ll really be into getting shit for free. They’ll paint it like we grew up together or something. I mean, he brings in the female viewership, so he’s a given.

In the meantime, I’ll, of course, be played by an aged Alfonso Ribiero. Yup, Carlton Banks, himself…

But the real turning point of the whole film will be the Snoop cameo. You know, where he and the Wayans Brothers work on the same garbage truck that drives down Ruby Dee’s street. Do I know Ruby Dee? No. Have I ever met her? No. But, it’s in the contract. There’s gotta be a role for Ruby Dee.

OK, I’ve done enough, They say “bad things come in threes” and this marks “Crazy Will’s A Racist” post #3. I really need to stop blogging drunk, and I need new material. Starting to feel like Jeff Foxworthy or something…