06th Oct2005

Cornell’s Sorority System, Described Using Celebrities du Jour

by Will

“I’m not above putting out for cash!”

So, to show you just how bored I tend to get at work, the following is a little project I gave myself the other day. With the help of my good web friend, Wikipedia , I set out to take a trip down Cornell memory lane. While doing this, I began to think of the fun times, the party times. And sometimes these involved crashing some kind of Greek mixer. In fact, I remember a Sig Ep/Kappa Delta mixer where the guys spent most of the evening sneering and me and Lip from the staircase as we took over the party. You know it was a lame party if Lip and I were the main event, but that was what happened some cold nights in Ithaca.

Anyway, while looking back, I began to remember the distinct personalities of the houses. There are different frats (yeah, yeah, “You wouldn’t call your country…”) and sororities because they’re all into different things. Yes, kids, it’s the high school cafeteria all over again. So, instead of trying to describe these different social mindsets, I decided to use examples instead. Yup, I went through all of the sororities on Cornell’s campus, and then found an actual celebrity alumnae from those specific houses, some Cornell alums, some alums of other schools, that best illustrate the general “theme” of the house. By “theme”, I’m basing it upon looks and personality. You may find some of these to be harsh. You may find some to be spot on. But all I can promise is that this is one guy’s Cornell-centric opinion, and these are all true alums of the houses. And if you don’t know a particular name, don’t be afraid to Google that mofo. So, away we go!

UPDATE: I simply love commentary too much to list names without explanation. Let’s see how much I can offend some people…

Delta Gamma – Ann Coulter
Bunch of blond, rich, White Republican girls. In my best James Lamb voice, “They wanted nothing to do with me.”

Chi Omega – Joyce DeWitt
Sure, in the South, “Chi Ho” is the shizzle, but not where I’m from. On the hill, this house is nothing but a breeding ground of “Janets” for the rest of the world’s “Chrissies”.

Pi Beta Phi – Jennifer Garner
Hottie hot-hot sporty spicers. You want a hot chick who could also take you down in a fight? This is your house. Buyer beware, some of them are “beautifully musculine”. Just sayin’…Anyway, I like to refer to this as The House of Tarek.

Kappa Delta – Ellen Dow
Sure, they all mean well, but…

Delta Delta Delta – Katie Couric
Cute, but deadly. Unassuming, but that’s just what they want you to think. Sleep with one eye open.

Kappa Alpha Theta – Jenna Von Oy
Ahh…Theta. Now, this was a house of those “rough around the edges” chicks where you have to ask, “Are you SURE you wanna be in a sorority?”

Alpha Phi- Kimberly Williams
She’s got the look. Nanananana, nanananananana, nanananana!!!! In all seriousness, this was the best house of groupies EVER. I mean, these girls ate, slept, and breathed a cappella. Sure, it was a Hangover house, but that seemed to change over time…

Kappa Kappa Gamma – Sophia Bush
Every girl in Kappa looks like this girl. And they all work for Morgan Stanley. They will stab you in the back if there’s an internship in it for them. Sounds like some kind of “One Tree Hill” plotline. In fact, I can’t look at any of them anymore without Gavin DeGraw popping into my head…

Alpha Chi Omega – Dawn Wells
The girl who used to be cute and sweet during orientation who’s now cute and a bitch. Wow, it’s amazing how Rush can change a person. Plus, y’all know that Ginger was the movie star, but Mary Ann HAD to have a chip on her shoulder!

Sigma Delta Tau – Joan Rivers
A bunch of loud Jewish girls. Yeah, I said it. And I loved how all their sweaters and crap said “EAT”.

Alpha Omicron Pi – Courtney Kupets
A bunch of girls with NOTHING in common who really just wanted to tell their friends back home that they were in a sorority. Honestly, you couldn’t find a larger, more motley group. These girls had NO business being together, as they were all gymnasts or ecologists looking for something to do over breaks…

Wow, this post came off really bitter, like they all rejected me or something. Nothing could be further from the truth. In all honesty, the Greek thing wasn’t really my scene. We did the parties when we had jack nothing else to do. But these were my observations from our “away team” missions. Anyway, it’s not like anybody from these houses is even gonna see this post…