13th Feb2008

Making The Band 4, Aubrey O’Day, Smackdown, and Paige’s Return to Trading Spaces

by Will

“All I need is the air I breathe, and a place to rest my head.”

Yay, the strike’s over! And I’m sorry to admit that I’ve already forgotten about this TV season. I can’t tell you what’s still on or what got cancelled. All I watch are One Tree Hill and reality shows right now. There were a lot of shitty shows that probably would have been cancelled, had it not been for the strike. So, networks either let them run their course, or snatched them along with everything else. Never did see that Cavemen show. Or Carpoolers. Or Bionic Woman. I’m pretty sure those won’t be coming back. That said, I’ve still got a lot of random stuff on my mind regarding TV. Either try to follow along, or just sit in that dark corner and nod and smile.

– Is it just me, or is Diddy WAY overcompensating this season on Making the Band? Is he trying to respond to the “down low” rumors that have persisted about him over the past few years? It’s like he wants us to think he’s hard and gangsta when we know better. Every other word he says has to be bleeped out; he’s limping in on a can, like he was shot or something. It’s like he’s trying to go back to his “Puff Daddy” persona, back before Biggie died, when he actually had street cred. Back then, he didn’t suffer from “bitchassness”. Plus, people forget, this is the same dude who dated J.Lo and was implicated in a shooting. It’s funny how an MTV show can just make people forget about all that. Who, exactly, is the real Sean Combs?

-Speaking of Making the Band 4, Aubrey O’Day. Mmm….I love her and loathe her at the same time. She’s got those crazy eyes, where you just know she’ll go Fatal Attraction all over you. Poor little solo artist Donnie. He just doesn’t realize how badly she’s going to ruin his life. She has her sites set on him and is going to eat him alive. There’s something about that kind of woman: you know you shouldn’t go near her, but you’d be a fool not to. I swear, though, if she mentions their “platinum album” one more time, I’m going to track her down and punch her in the face. We get it! Y’all had a successful album. It’s a testament, though, that I can’t even name a single Danity Kane song, so clearly they weren’t THAT famous! It’s a common fact that the debut album of any group formed on a reality show usually sells well. It’s that the viewers want to listen to the album that they watched being created. That said, it’s the sophomore album that tanks. That’s why most of O-Town is currently working in car washes scattered across the Orlando region. It would be a crying shame if The Band creates an album that wipes the floor with Danity Kane.

-While I’m on the subject of The Band, Diddy really needs to rename them. Maybe something like 113? Modeci? Thugz to Men? I mean, we know what Diddy’s trying to do, but the problem is that he’s focused too much on image than sound. I look at these boys, and I don’t buy that they’re as hard as Bad Boy would like me to believe. They can have all the neck tattoos and cornrows in the world, and they’re still gonna look like junior deacons at a costume party. These boys look like they just came from prayer meeting! Did y’all see how Q caught the Holy Ghost when they went to church?! First off, that was probably the funniest scenario I’ve ever seen on reality television, but he almost blew his cover when he started testifyin’ in the aisles! Anyway, I’m gonna need a display of their street cred before we go any further. Forget the traditional “I want you to walk to Brooklyn and get me a cheesecake”. This season, Diddy should say something like, “I want one of y’all to get a Danity Kane chick pregnant (bonus points if it’s the married one!), while the rest of y’all go rob Irv Gotti’s house.” You know, something with some flair!

-Anna and I were watching The Salt & Pepa Show last night, and we were trying to figure out how staged it actually is. I mean, it’s too much like a sitcom, in that crazy Pepa comes up with some hairbrained scheme, while “level-headed” Salt talks her down. In the end, however, Salt comes to learn a valuable lesson, as Pepa’s scheme turns out to not be so crazy after all. And they hug. It’s like a black Full House. It’s scary, though, how much Pepa is looking like a drag queen these days. She’ll make these facial expressions that’ll just turn your stomach. You’ve got to feel sorry for Pep, too, as she’s like a kid who never grew up. She just wants shit to be like it was in the old days, back when they were touring with Kid ‘N Play. Meanwhile, Salt has to “mom” everything and she’s just a spoilsport. I will say that it seems like Salt was smarter with her money. She’s got a nice house and investments, and has moved on, while Pep looks like she’s a receptionist at a hair salon. A ghetto hair salon. One of those cash-only places, with a fried fish carryout joint next door.

Flavor of Love 3…what can I say that hasn’t already been said? To be honest, I’ve never watched an entire season of FoL. I just can’t do it. If I want to see that much ghetto, I’ll just go down to Wheaton Plaza. That said, it’s funny to have a season where even Flav isn’t impressed. I’ve got to admit, Shorty did have a Hell of an underbite. He has some busted women in that house this time around, most of whom were chosen on the internet. Way to go America! You can kill a convict, but you can’t be trusted to find a wife for one. Uncle Sam is in Heaven crying with that Indian who’s always crying about litterbugs. And I’ve seen a lot of Flav, from The Surreal Life to present, but I’ve never seen him make as big a deal over touching his face as he’s doing this season. Did he get some work done? Did he have some sort face trauma in jail all those years ago? Anyway, I’m hoping he either chooses Hotlanta or Bunz. Otherwise, he’s just left with those twins. You know, it’s a terrible situation where you see an ugly set of twins, and you’re just left wondering, “What was God thinking? Why 2? I mean, were there parts left over after He made the first one or something?”

-Good money says we won’t even know who Flo-Rida is in 5 years. He’s gonna go to the one-hit wonder old folks home, along with Eamonn and Kevin Lyttle. Sometimes, though, the Phoenix does rise from the ashes. It’s good to see that 12 years after her debut, Robyn is finally getting her due. “Do you know what it takes to love me”? Well, apparently, 12 years. But she’s got a hot club tour right now, plus she’s on the “Sexual Eruption” remix, so that’s a start.

-I just realized the opening piano vamp from Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5” would make a pretty decent hip-hop sample. Think of it along the lines of how Destiny’s Child used Stevie Nicks’s “Edge of Seventeen” vamp. I think I might be on to something here…

-I still can’t believe that The CW isn’t renewing Smackdown next season. I mean, no, it doesn’t mesh with their new female-friendly programming initiative, but to just throw out an audience that size is almost unheard of. King Kong once told me that Smackdown is the highest-rated English-speaking show in Spanish households. Before you laugh, just think about that for a minute. That’s a powerful demographic that’s only going to get stronger. Plus, where’s it gonna go? People are saying USA will probably pick it up, which is going to leave basic TV without wrestling once again. It’s gonna be like the “Raw is War” era when there was Raw and Nitro, but nothing Saturday mornings on your local sydicated station. I guess everyone really does have cable now…

-I don’t feel so great about Paige being back on Trading Spaces. Don’t get me wrong; I LOVE her and I’d probably drink her bath water. That said, it’s too little, too late. Discovery/TLC made a BAD move firing her all those years ago, but you just can’t pretend the past few seasons didn’t happen. There are too many gimmicks this season: “we’re going to take a divorced couple and have them trade spaces so that the depressed former husband can finally accept that his wife has moved on”. Ouch! It feels so…uncomfortable. Paige has said that it was neither her idea to leave the show, nor was it her idea to come back. She’s been a good sport, plus she probably needs work, but watching it just affirms that you truly can’t go home again.

-OK, I used to have this thing for Kat Von D of LAInk. I mean, she seemed badass and she was a master tattoo artist. Suddenly, though, I’ve found that her fashion sense is just too far gone for my taste. She used to wear low-rise jeans and a vest or halter top; nothing really flashy, but is was still sey. Now, she’ll wear an old ratty t-shirt and some clown pants. It’s like she just doesn’t care about her appearance anymore since she started dating Roy Orbison’s son, “Orbie”. It’s not like she was ever the belle of the ball, but she had style. Now, she just looks dirty and homeless half the time. I’m starting to feel the same way about her that I feel about the Ace of Cakes/Charm City Cakes crew: I don’t want her touching my skin any more than I want them touching my food. Her assistant, Pixie, is adorable. Anyone who gets a piercing to have permanent dimples is awesome in my book. My fear is how that shit’s gonna look in 25 years. Then again, those people never grow old. They just fade away…in a freak concert stampede/motorcycle accident/dinosaur attack.

Well, that about does it for now. Interesting weekend coming up. If I live through it, it’ll surprise me. No, that’s not a cry for help. It is, however, bait for you to come back next week. If I survive…