18th Jul2011

Charlottes, and Boybands, and Attraction! Oh, My!

by Will

In some circles of popular culture, it’s believed that the four women of Sex and the City represent the types of women that men are looking for out in the world. Whether it’s demure, girl next door Charlotte, career-driven, slightly man-hating Miranda, sexually aggressive Samantha, or the anomaly that is Carrie Bradshaw, one of those women is supposed to be the perfect match for every man out there. Given those options, I feel that most men are searching for Charlotte in a world filled with Mirandas and wannabe Samanthas. Am I wrong? Of course I am, but that’s because that’s not a well-rounded group from which to choose. That theory just doesn’t work there, as the selection is limited. I’ll tell you, however, an area of pop culture that got it right: boybands. Outside of music concerned with rhyming “alone” with “phone”, boybands were created according to a perfect science, where they offered something for every girl out there. Whether she wore short skirts or t-shirts, whether she was the cheer captain or on the bleachers – there truly was a boyband guy for every girl. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

First up, we’ve got the Cute One. He’s the one selling the concert tickets. He’s not always the lead singer, but he’s singing at least half the songs. That one’s easy – he’s there because he’s “dreamy”. Just like David Cassidy and Michael Jackson before him, he’s the one whose name is being doodled in the notebooks of the nation’s teenage girls.

Next, we’ve got the Bad Boy. He’s got tattoos and crazy hair. He might even have an odd obsession with aviator goggles. He sings a bunch of hooks, and operates under the “less is more” doctrine. After all, he’s too busy getting tattoos and buying new aviator goggles to be up in front like the Cute One. For all the girls who like a walk one the wild side, this one’s for you.

Then, we’ve got the Shy One. He *usually* doesn’t necessarily do much ’cause, you know, he’s shy. Also, years later, everyone will have to feign surprise when he also turns out to be the Gay One and/or the REALLY Religious One. He’s not comfortable in the spotlight, as he’s trying to keep a lid on his secret. Once it’s revealed, however, it’ll open up a whole new fan base for him and the group. Anyway, he’s for the girl who falls in love with her gay best friend.

You’ve also got the Older Brother. He was the guy who was working at Universal Studios the longest, and probably helped recruit the other guys. He doesn’t sing much, but he’s guaranteed a slot due to his assistance in recruitment. Once the whole boyband thing blows over, he won’t be making appearances on E! red carpet, but he’ll have a nice ranch in Montana somewhere. He’s the safe choice – the provider. He’s not into glitz and glam, as this is just a job. He hasn’t forgotten his roots, and he understands the value of loyalty.

Finally, you’ve got the Other Guy. This can mean a lot of things. Maybe he’s the Halfy, for a little urban flavor (but not too much flavor).

Maybe he’s the minority variant of the Shy One.

And don’t forget the Goofball! He’s got a sense of humor. Bitches love a sense of humor.

At the end of the day, he doesn’t do much. He’s #5, and his sole role is to provide symmetry on posters and in dance routines. Should the Older Brother decide to leave the group, the Other Guy’s role becomes more prominent. By being ill-defined, he provides a bit of mystery that is different from that you get from the Bad Boy. With the Bad Boy, you never ask “Why isn’t he singing?” You already know the answer: it’s either “He’s gonna sing the bridge” OR “‘Cause he didn’t feel like it”. With the Other Guy, you’ll constantly hear moms asking “Why doesn’t the Mexican boy sing more?” He’s an anomaly, but because of that, he can be whatever you need him to be. He’s the guy nobody notices, so he won’t have an ego. He’s just waiting for a woman to come along and make a “project” out of him.

If you have the right balance, you have this:

But if the balance is off, you end up with this:

If done right, there’s something for everyone. If done wrong, someone’s preference is being neglected. SCIENCE!