22nd Jul2003

The State of MTV in 2003

by Will

What to rant about now? Oh yes, MTV. Woke up this morning to see Video Clash. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but this is the first time that I’ve noticed MTV borrowing program ideas from their European counterparts. I saw Video Clash last summer when I was in London, watching MTV Europe. I saw it and said, “This is a clever idea. If only we had that in the US.” So tell me people, has this been around for awhile and I’m just now noticing, or did I really see the future last year?

All you perverts out there best shed a tear, for the word on the street is that t.A.T.u are going to that little lesbian schoolgirl fantasy in the sky. Ok, they’re not dying, but the brunette’s mad at the redhead (do they even have names?!!) ’cause redhead’s spending too much time with her boyfriend, and the media’s picking up on the fact that “Hey, these two little girls ain’t lesbians after all!” Their manager’s expecting the worse, but it’s not like he hasn’t gotten his mileage out of them.

Who in the HELL gave Pharrell a record deal that included singing?!! Did we learn nothing from Sean “Puffy” Combs/Puffy/Puff Daddy/P.Diddy? Those who can sing: do. Those who can’t: produce. Yeah, I know the ladies love him and he’s cute and all, but that’s not enough.

Speaking of music, why is B2K so hot? I hate to point this out, but they’re simply using ‘Nsync’s moves, two years too late. Normally, White music is stealing from Black (Elvis, anyone?), not vice versa. I see all these concert specials for them, and the girls are going crazy. Not in that ghetto fashion either, but in that “I’m a white girl from Connecticut and I’m gonna marry a Beatle circa 1967” kinda way. I think it’s even sadder that Marquess Houston is joining ’em for this tour. He already had a shot at this when he was in Immature/IMX. Now, he’s all solo and he’s hanging out with kids. Oh, I can’t wait til the day Nick Carter starts hanging out with his brother Aaron just mooch off of his fans. This is the same exact thing.

When did VJ’s stop being cool? Remember 10 years ago, when you had Daisy, Idalis, and Kennedy? These people were too cool to have last names. They were cool BECAUSE they didn’t have last names! Now, I’ve got Hilarie Burton and Kuddush, or whatever that fool’s name is. Hey, a misspelled name does not a cool VJ make? These kids have no personality. The old ones were cool (OK, not the original ones, but that whole 92-99 variety). I used to want to be Simon Rex, but now I’d rather be Kurt Loder

21st Jul2003

Seduction of the Innocent

by Will

I REALLY hope my “Seduction of the Innocent” comes in the mail today. Clocking in at $116.51, it is, by far, the most expensive book I have ever bought. I know you’re thinking, “Will, you are such a moron!” Well, yes I am. I’m sick and I need help. I feel that there should be support groups for people like me. But no, it’s not drugs or alcohol that are destroying me. It’s eBay. Who’d have known that a service created to help Pez collectors would turn into such a world power?!!! I wish I had NetNanny just to block out that website. Parents are concerned about porn and violence on the net, but eBay’s just as bad. It’s like armchair gambling, and it’s impossible to stop. I sit there thinking of it like the stock market: “Oh, it’s not real money.” But it is! It’s very real. Sometimes I get so bored that I just start bidding on auctions that are almost ended, not really even wanting the item. I just like the competitiveness of the bidding war. I really need help! But for those of you who are uninformed, this particular book was a good deal because it normally goes for about $800. Yes, I said EIGHT HUNDRED. No, the pages are not made out of gold, but the book played a very important role in the matter of censorship. Dr. Fredric Wertham wrote it in 1954, citing comic book stories that were believed to be corrupting the youth of America. The matter eventually found its way to the Senate floor, and a ratings system was adopted for comic books. In addition, several comic publishers were forced out of business due to their publishing of “inappropriate material”. The book has been out of print since 1957, and I vowed to own a copy before I died. So, this eBay victory is bittersweet: while I’m glad I finally acquired a copy of the book (or will, as soon as it arrives), I’m also expecting to be hit by a truck any day now.

21st Jul2003

Which X-Man Am I?

by Will

Jubilee??!!

jubilee
You are Jubilee!

Though you may be young and inexperienced, you have
great potential and will someday become an
admirable figure. For that to happen, though,
you must overcome your juvenile belief system
and adopt a more mature view on life.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

21st Jul2003

Which Marvel Character Am I?

by Will

Hey folks! Which Marvel Character am I?


You are…drumroll please…..Wade Wilson aka
Deadpool! Everyone’s favorite merc! The merc
with a mouth is a man of mystery. Hero?
Villian? Sociopath? Deadpool makes his own
rules and plays by nobody’s game. He is an
agent of chaos confined to a world of
constricting order! He is smart and has an
even smarter mouth!

What Marvel Comics Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

21st Jul2003

How To Deal With Mandy Moore

by Will

So, I saw the new Mandy Moore movie, “How to Deal”. You know, if she can maintain her charm and innocence, she’s got quite the future ahead of her. While watching the movie, there’s no doubt that she’s adorable, but it’s virtually impossible to think of her in an impure way. She comes off as your best friend’s little sister, who you’ve known since she was born. Hell, I want her to be MY sister! Plus, her best friend is played by the same girl who was Ross’s underaged girlfriend on “Friends” (the one whose dad was Bruce Willis). Man, did she put on weight! Hey, it’s no Oscar contender, but it’s a cute movie.

17th Jul2003

Whatever Happened To Kidnapping & Radon?

by Will

What ever happened to kidnapping and Radon? I remember the ’80s, when kidnapping was the worst thing that could happen to your child. In fact, the only way it could have been worse was if the child was being kept in a building contaminated by Radon. Families were advised to test their homes and make sure that it wasn’t harming their kids. Now, here we are in 2003, and not only is Radon the red-headed step-child of common American fears, but it’s never spoken of. Where is it? Did we get rid of the Radon? If so, why was I not told? I would’ve liked to have taken part in the “Farewell Radon” festivities. We could’ve had a parade, with everyone wearing gas masks, you know, for old times sake. We could have a mascot of a Radon detector (were there Radon detectors?) Anyway, I’d like to know where this threat ran off to!

Running….that brings me to my next topic: kidnapping. Is it just not a threat anymore? For kids, that is. You don’t hear anything about that anymore. The closest thing is when someone is carjacked, and they happened to have left their kid inside during the whole thing. I remember that every show in the ’80s was required to have a kidnapping episode. Hell, “Diff’rent Strokes” had two! These shows are probably the most memorable ’cause they were aimed at scaring the living shit out of kids. I still remember Arnold and Kimberly being locked up by the crazed man. I also remember when Sam (WAY after the shark had been jumped) was kidnapped and integrated into another family by his kidnapper. Of course, Mr. Drummond saved the day, which just sent the message that “Money can solve any problem”. Had the same thing happened to Arnold or Willis, without any intervention from their sugary foster-dad, those would’ve been two little boys you wouldn’t have heard from again. Ahh..the joys of ’80s television. From those shows, I learned:

1) Cool cars always seem to get airborne if driven fast enough

2) Kidnappers are just lonely

3) Money solves all ills

4) Orphans have the best lives EVER

5) When white parents adopt black kids, hilarity ensues

6) Never underestimate your housekeeper: he’s/she’s either really cool, the wisest person you’ve ever met, and/or the love of your life

17th Jul2003

My Love For David Hasselhoff

by Will

Argue with me if you will, but I say that David Hasselfhoff has to be the coolest guy on the face of the planet! Let’s look at the facts: He got his start as a soap opera star, which didn’t exactly hone his thespian abilities, but it got him into the public eye enough to be cast in the most groundbreaking show of the 1980’s: “Knight Rider”. Why was Knight Rider groundbreaking? Well, it introduced the world to a sleek talking car, with the brain of a computer. Now, I realize that K.I.T.T. probably had the processing capability of an Apple IIe, but I see him as the inspiration for the OnStar system. I know that it utilizes actual people, but it’s the same concept. David Hasselfhoff had the luxury of being this car’s driver, and for that, we all worshipped him. He was a pioneer, of sorts. We loved him and everything he did, and we wondered how he could top such an incredible performance. We weren’t prepared for what would come next: Baywatch.

Baywatch cannot even be described in words. In essence, it made people hot. Sure, David had lost a bit of his luster since Knight Rider, but the beach, the women, the sand….they all added something to his mystique. It had that effect on everyone on the show. I stand by the statement that Pamela Anderson was not hot until she was on Baywatch. She spent years on Home Improvement, virtually unnoticed. She never achieved the attention that her successor, Debbe Dunning, received. Yet, when Pam got to Baywatch, all of that changed. Anyone could be on Baywatch, from former Hardy Boys and soap opera stars, to ex-convicts and swimsuit models. There were only two requirements: you had to love the beach and you had to listen to Mitch. As seasoned lifeguard Mitch Buchannan, Hasselfhoff held the crew together. Not only was he a father figure, but he was a sage. He had all of the answers, and as spoofed by “Son of the Beach”, he was the world’s greatest lifeguard. Mitch was the lynchpin that held it all together. How would he follow this success? Well, we’re still waiting on the answer to that question, but I can’t omit mention of his stellar German pop music career. Do you want details? No. This whole thing was tongue-in-cheek. But I DO love David Hasselhoff. Anyway, I highly advise you download the song Night Rocker, because apparently he’s “gonna rock you all night long”. Oh, David, when do you find time to rest?

11th Jul2003

All That Schooling Led To THIS?!

by Will

Heh, late to work today. Means no lunch today. Why is it that we go to school for 20 years of our lives, just to work for the next 40? It’s not like I’m applying anything I learned in school to this job. The required skills are more akin to a double agent or a criminal rather than a college grad. I’m constantly scheming and trying not to get caught doing something bad. Sometimes I feel like I should just surrender to the authorities and give up, rather than keep up this charade. This is hard! I really don’t know how some people are looking forward to the “Real World”. Frankly, I’m terrified of it. It, and Road Rules too. OK, that was a poor attempt at humor, but who’s gonna stop me?

10th Jul2003

The One Where I Start Things Off By Talking About Boybands

by Will

So, here I am at work, once again realizing that I can’t do this for the rest of my life. In fact, I can’t do this for the rest of the summer. How do people do this?!!! Isn’t there a boyband I could join or something? A few years ago, you couldn’t scratch your ear without bumping into yet ANOTHER group of 5 guys trying to harmonize. Now, the boybands have gone the way of the dotcom and the dodo, while I’m left here to dream at a desk.