06th Aug2003

It’s For Breakfast Now!

by Will

OK, i really need help. I couldn’t remember all the words to the Nintendo Cereal System commercial, so I called on my good friend, the Internet, to help me out. I now give you the musical masterpiece featured in the 1989 commercial:

Nin-ten-do

It’s for breakfast now

Nin-ten-do

It’s a cereal. WOW!

Nin-ten-do

Super Mario Jumps!

Nin-ten-do

In a Fruit Flavored Crunch!

So, I forgot the “doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doot” was replaced with ‘Nintendo”. Either way, I was pretty on-point in remembering a 14 yr-old commercial!

17th Jul2003

Whatever Happened To Kidnapping & Radon?

by Will

What ever happened to kidnapping and Radon? I remember the ’80s, when kidnapping was the worst thing that could happen to your child. In fact, the only way it could have been worse was if the child was being kept in a building contaminated by Radon. Families were advised to test their homes and make sure that it wasn’t harming their kids. Now, here we are in 2003, and not only is Radon the red-headed step-child of common American fears, but it’s never spoken of. Where is it? Did we get rid of the Radon? If so, why was I not told? I would’ve liked to have taken part in the “Farewell Radon” festivities. We could’ve had a parade, with everyone wearing gas masks, you know, for old times sake. We could have a mascot of a Radon detector (were there Radon detectors?) Anyway, I’d like to know where this threat ran off to!

Running….that brings me to my next topic: kidnapping. Is it just not a threat anymore? For kids, that is. You don’t hear anything about that anymore. The closest thing is when someone is carjacked, and they happened to have left their kid inside during the whole thing. I remember that every show in the ’80s was required to have a kidnapping episode. Hell, “Diff’rent Strokes” had two! These shows are probably the most memorable ’cause they were aimed at scaring the living shit out of kids. I still remember Arnold and Kimberly being locked up by the crazed man. I also remember when Sam (WAY after the shark had been jumped) was kidnapped and integrated into another family by his kidnapper. Of course, Mr. Drummond saved the day, which just sent the message that “Money can solve any problem”. Had the same thing happened to Arnold or Willis, without any intervention from their sugary foster-dad, those would’ve been two little boys you wouldn’t have heard from again. Ahh..the joys of ’80s television. From those shows, I learned:

1) Cool cars always seem to get airborne if driven fast enough

2) Kidnappers are just lonely

3) Money solves all ills

4) Orphans have the best lives EVER

5) When white parents adopt black kids, hilarity ensues

6) Never underestimate your housekeeper: he’s/she’s either really cool, the wisest person you’ve ever met, and/or the love of your life

17th Jul2003

My Love For David Hasselhoff

by Will

Argue with me if you will, but I say that David Hasselfhoff has to be the coolest guy on the face of the planet! Let’s look at the facts: He got his start as a soap opera star, which didn’t exactly hone his thespian abilities, but it got him into the public eye enough to be cast in the most groundbreaking show of the 1980’s: “Knight Rider”. Why was Knight Rider groundbreaking? Well, it introduced the world to a sleek talking car, with the brain of a computer. Now, I realize that K.I.T.T. probably had the processing capability of an Apple IIe, but I see him as the inspiration for the OnStar system. I know that it utilizes actual people, but it’s the same concept. David Hasselfhoff had the luxury of being this car’s driver, and for that, we all worshipped him. He was a pioneer, of sorts. We loved him and everything he did, and we wondered how he could top such an incredible performance. We weren’t prepared for what would come next: Baywatch.

Baywatch cannot even be described in words. In essence, it made people hot. Sure, David had lost a bit of his luster since Knight Rider, but the beach, the women, the sand….they all added something to his mystique. It had that effect on everyone on the show. I stand by the statement that Pamela Anderson was not hot until she was on Baywatch. She spent years on Home Improvement, virtually unnoticed. She never achieved the attention that her successor, Debbe Dunning, received. Yet, when Pam got to Baywatch, all of that changed. Anyone could be on Baywatch, from former Hardy Boys and soap opera stars, to ex-convicts and swimsuit models. There were only two requirements: you had to love the beach and you had to listen to Mitch. As seasoned lifeguard Mitch Buchannan, Hasselfhoff held the crew together. Not only was he a father figure, but he was a sage. He had all of the answers, and as spoofed by “Son of the Beach”, he was the world’s greatest lifeguard. Mitch was the lynchpin that held it all together. How would he follow this success? Well, we’re still waiting on the answer to that question, but I can’t omit mention of his stellar German pop music career. Do you want details? No. This whole thing was tongue-in-cheek. But I DO love David Hasselhoff. Anyway, I highly advise you download the song Night Rocker, because apparently he’s “gonna rock you all night long”. Oh, David, when do you find time to rest?