22nd Mar2013

West Week Ever – 3/22/13

by Will

One of these people had the West Week Ever. Which one? Read on to find out!


I have a hard time with people who blame video game violence on today’s social ills. This was made even clearer to me last weekend. Why? I watched Death Wish IV and Death Wish V. First off, can I say that I fucking LOVE Charles Bronson? Something about a 55 year old man wrecking shit is so much more refreshing than Action Star du Jour. Anyway, I witnessed a guy killed by a grenade launcher, a guy killed by exploding remote controlled soccer ball, a guy fall into a pulp grinder and more. People saw this stuff and didn’t go on killing sprees (well, except Bernie Goetz). Movies today aren’t half as violent as they were 25 years ago. I’m not sure if the MPAA has simply become a bunch of pussies, or if ticket takers have become more lax in letting in minors. All I know is that the same restrictions supposedly exist for video games and movies. It’s time to blame society’s ills on factors other than the entertainment sector.

Being the boyband fiend that I am, this was probably my favorite video of the week. I loved the Hell out of JC Chasez and, from a musical standpoint, he was the most talented member of *NSYNC. Justin’s more famous because he was more charismatic, but he wasn’t the best soloist. Anyway, this is JC singing “Ho Hey” by The Lumineers to USC’s Tri Delt chapter. Here’s what sticks out to me, though: a college freshman would have been born in 1995. *NSYNC’s debut album came out when they were TWO YEARS OLD. They were 6 when *NSYNC’s last album came out. Outside of America’s Best Dance Crew, JC hasn’t really been relevant to this generation. This is almost like if Daryl Hall had come to sing at Cornell while I was there. Do these girls even know who he is, other than “hot guy singing that weird hippie song”? Anyway, I feel so old…

Speaking of Justin vs. JC, this Billboard article is an EXCELLENT exploration of how and why Justin pulled ahead in their pop solo competition.

I had a great time last night, joining @timdogg98‘s Comic Book Chronicles Live. So far, it’s a weekly-ish Google Hangout sponsored by The Kliqnation, and it’s a great comic book discussion with a “barbershop” feel. I’ve been lurking in the rafters for most of the episodes, but I was tagged in last night. If you’re a comic fan, definitely check it out!

Sponsor Update –


This may come as a surprise to some, but WilliamBruceWest.com is sponsored by Will’s World of Wonder. Recently, my corporate overlords have decided they should have more of a voice on the site, so here’s some new stuff that’s been listed in the store:


There are none. Really, why would I buy up a case of something you could buy cheaper at a big box store? That wastes both our time. Go buy that shit at Target!

New Arrivals:

Young Justice Invasion 6″ Batman

This is the RARE 6″ Young Justice Invasion Batman figure. These never hit wide retail release in North America, and they are pretty hard to find.

Figure is MIB, and includes diorama and accessories. (Limited Supply!)


LEGO DC Universe Super Heroes Catwoman Catcycle City Chase

Everyone’s favorite heroes have joined forces with everyone’s favorite building toy!


Iron Man Marvel Legends Classic Iron Man

To coincide with the upcoming release of Iron Man 3, this Marvel Legends subset fits perfectly with the rest of your Marvel Legends collection. Includes alternate helmet, as well as BAF piece for Iron Monger.

Power Rangers Samurai Mega Mode Rangers Lot

Now that stores are filled with Megaforce product, it’s not as easy to find these guys anymore. If you want to celebrate the season that brought Power Rangers to Nick, here’s your chance!

Batman: The Killing Joke Deluxe Edition HC

By Alan Moore and Brian Bolland, this monumental storyline depicts Barbara Gordon’s final confrontation with The Joker as Batgirl.
This anniversary edition hardcover features all new coloring, and the short story “An Innocent Guy”.

Our Vintage Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stock has been replenished! Show your whippersnappers where it all began by buying them something from this assortment!

This Week’s Posts

Thrift Justice – Power Rankings

My (Alternate) Reality

Before we handle wrap things up, I need to address something. So, yesterday I prefaced a post with a description of my depression. Much of that was hyperbole, as a framing device. Mainly. I’ve had anxiety for a LOOONNNGG time, but I have experienced happiness since the age of 12. I just threw out an age there (although that IS what I told that nurse). Why did I say 12? Well, I feel like that’s when the anxiety train started. Changes start happening. Next thing you know, you’ve got to do well on the PSAT, ’cause it’s an indicator of SAT success. Then, you have to do well on the SAT, ’cause you need it to get into a good college. Then, you need to get into a good college so you’ll get a good job. Then, you have to successfully graduate from said good college. Then, you graduate and there are no jobs. Then you work retail, while waiting on people who can’t understand why you don’t have a better job. Then you feel like a failure because you wasted that degree and tuition. Then, you get dead-end jobs that still aren’t really backing up why you went to school. I finally have a job that I love, but it wasn’t an easy process. For me, at least. Lots of people have it WAY worse, but I don’t deal well with stress. So, that, conceptually, is how I came up with that age. Still, that hurt people who know “real life” Will.

I’ve never really delved into this, but it’s my site, so I can do what I want. Over on facebook, my pal Chad was wondering if anyone had written about their success with online dating. He met his girlfriend that way, and wondered if I or Vincent had ever written about our experience. Maybe it would take the “geek taboo” off things. If you don’t know, I met my wife on Match.com. It’s funny because I wasn’t looking for anything. I had gotten out of a 3-ish year relationship with a trust fund baby who had no real life aspirations. Yet she dumped me. Go figure. Anyway, a friend of mine signed up for Match, and a bunch of us signed up too so that we could vet his choices. If there’s one thing I love it’s judging people, and this gave me a front row seat. In the meantime, I just liked the attention. I was probably a good 40 lbs lighter, and I woke up to emails from random women telling me they liked my smile. I didn’t even have to do anything. It was AWESOME.


I didn’t communicate with anyone I found on there ’cause I’d have to PAY. Ain’t nobody got time for that! One day, however, I got an email from a girl that said something I liked. I don’t remember what it was, and I don’t feel like going through my email to figure it out. Whatever it was, it caught my attention. And like that, I actually paid and we emailed back and forth. She was a reader, and to paraphrase Chris Rock, she “spoke so well.” Since I wasn’t yet the net whore that I’ve become, I didn’t really think you could have any meaningful association with someone digitally. Now, I’ll tell you that some of my good friends are folks I’ve never met, but things were different in the Wild West days of 2008. So, I was fine just keeping it online. It was like having a pen pal, and I really didn’t know how to make the transition from web to reality, anyway. I’d never asked anyone for their number, and I wasn’t some cool pimp daddy “gettin’ da digits”. All my attention from females came from singing, whether I was doing a musical or a cappella stuff. So we had a great time emailing, but that was enough for me. And then I just stopped. I don’t really know why. Maybe I thought it was weird, or I just didn’t know how to be cool over email anymore.

Life went on. She ended up dating some other dude from Match (man, it must be awesome to be a woman. Free dinners for simply possessing a vagina). I probably went back to bitching about the death of Captain America and blogging about how that Big Bang Theory show would never last. Other stuff happened, like I had a death in the family, and I was just all over the place. Three months passed, and she emailed me out of the blue. She wondered why our emails had just stopped, seeing as how we seemed to have a real connection. Since I’m a doof, she ended up having to ask me out. This was a Monday. The date was set for Wednesday. That Tuesday, we finally talked on the phone…for 3 hours. When I got home from Wednesday’s date, I called my friend Keith, and I said “I’m gonna marry that girl.” Our next date was that Saturday, and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her everyday since then. Shit’s crazy, son! Most of the time, I would just be excited to get off work, so I could go play Rock Band with her. Apparently, while she wasn’t being wined and dined by Match dudes, she had worked her way to Expert on most of the songs. And I was happy. For the first time, in a very long time, I was happy. And I’m happy now. In 2 weeks, we’ll have been married 6 months, and October’s our 5 year anniversary. So, I lied. I’m very happy. Oh, and internet dating works! Try it! Take it from your buddy, Will!


So, one person’s mugshot count is up to a half dozen, while another is going through some odd, drag transformation. One person twerked it like a unicorn, while the other reeeallly has bad luck with keeping the women in his life alive. But only one of them had the West Week Ever.


He killed a dude by shooting a fucking grenade at him. ‘Nuff said.

21st Mar2013

My (Alternate) Reality

by Will

I’m not always a happy person. Sure, I crack jokes and everything on Twitter, but I guess you could say I’m “faking it until I make it”. Let’s just say it really hits home when a nurse asks you, “Can you remember when you were last happy?” and your answer is “I was probably 12.” Man, this is a downer intro to a post! Anyway, at times, I’ve clung to the idea of alternate realities. Hell, anything’s possible and it’s not like you can disprove the possibility (Ha! Take THAT, condescending Web Atheists!). Maybe there’s a Will out there who’s bouncing off the walls, and people describe him in terms like “effervescent”. If there are other realities out there, just think of the craziness that could be going on. Or let me do the thinking for you!

As our music industry celebrated the release of Justin Timberlake’s single, “Suit & Tie”, this week, in other reality former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter just released “Blazer & Bolo”.


And apparently he’s a motorboating enthusiast!

Meanwhile, things are getting dicey on the late night talk show scene. After 20 years on the air, UPN has announced that Nick Cannon will be replacing Arsenio Hall as the host of What Up, Moon? Industry experts aren’t sure how to react, as it was only two years ago that Hall reclaimed his show from Damon Wayans, Jr. After touring the country with Skee Lo and Bobcat Goldthwait, Wayans finally landed at NBC, but there are still hard feelings.


Some third world country is about to get a shitload of Woof shirts airdropped into it

Speaking of Skee Lo, he and his wife, megastar Kelly Rowlands, are expecting their 3rd child. Fans were hoping Kelly would take time off to reunite with Destiny’s Child, but the group has been on hiatus since member Beyonce Knowles was arrested on drug charges back in 2003. She later appeared on the 5th season of Celebrity Rehab, where she proceeded to insult both Rowlands and the DC fans. Needless to say, Kelly won’t be saying Beyonce’s name anytime soon!


Skee Lo’s “I Wish” is the highest selling record to date

Talks are heating up that Michael Jackson will be taking the judge’s chair vacated by Bobby Brown on The Voice. As everyone knows by now, Brown was recently named the Exec VP of Artist Development for Arista Records, and Jackson is coming off the recent cancellation of his children’s show, Jacko’s World.


In the book world, bestselling author James Frey is four books into his Little Pieces Saga. He’s been doing the talk show circuit promoting the next installment, A Million Pieces More. Tonight, he’s going to be on Bob Barker’s CNN show and Soledad O’Brien’s show on Playboy Radio. Tomorrow morning, he’ll wake up bright and early to be a guest on Let’s Get It Started With Fergie.


Even in an alternate reality, douchebags still look like this

In the world of professional sports, NFL commissioner Vincent McMahon has announced that Brock Lesnar’s contract has been renegotiated with the Washington Coloreds. McMahon refused to acknowledge questions concerning the team’s racist moniker. The last time he addressed it was during an interview with Tabitha Soren, where he remarked, “What? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to call them?”


“The NFL is committed to diversity – unless you’re a minority, bald, and/or have a goatee. Then, you’re clearly a villain.”

In the world of politics, President Clinton just announced, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…in her butt. Lord knows I tried.” This is the 12th sex scandal for the long-seated president. It was just last year that he uttered the similar words, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…in her mouth.” Needless to say, there’s no end in sight for the War on Orifices. Pundits are saying that there should have been some sort of provision for removing Clinton from office, but it seems that no one knows the current whereabouts of the Constitution. At present, most US laws are tweeted from China, while forged copies of the fabled document occasionally show up in pawn shops, according to the Pawn Stars Channel.


“My fellow Americans, tell me you don’t just wanna bite dat ass.

Continental War V rages on, as Germany just fell to invading forces from Poland. The US has been hesitant to enter the fray, however Germany is our leading source for electronics, so something will need to be decided before the Tivo production season kicks into high gear. This has caused China’s statehood talks to stall. If you’ll remember, the US traded the Puerto Rico Territory to Emperor Hirohito in 1952, thus acquiring the China Territory and gaining a US presence in the East.

Meanwhile, plans are underway to commemorate the anniversary of the tragic events of May 4th, 1999. It has been 14 years since the state of Hawaii was vaporized by a militant sect of Jedi disciples, in what is now referred to as Operation: Phantom Menace. This led to the widespread persecution of Jedi, with many leaving the fold due to risk of being charged for treason. The “religion” is currently prohibited on American soil.

Photo courtesy of bystander, who decided an Instagram filter should be applied

Photo courtesy of bystander, who decided an Instagram filter should be applied

In the business world, DisMart announced that they’re planning to open a kiosk on the International Space Station. A mere 10 years ago, this would’ve been something out of science fiction. However, after Sir Richard Branson mysteriously disappeared, DisMart submitted a bid for the Virgin Corporation. Pretty soon, Mickey Mouse and Wally the Wallflower will be heading to space!

Well, I think you’ve learned enough about this alternate reality. Perhaps you should count your blessings. I mean, I’ve heard great things about The Diagram 2, but do you really want 14 Skee Lo albums on your mPod? What? Oh, that’s what they’re called here. Ya know, ’cause Microsoft makes them. I’m always drifting off to this world, though, as I have quite the imagination. So, just let me know if you ever want an update on how things are going over there.

06th Mar2013

West Week Ever – 3/8/13

by Will

One of these people had the West Week Ever! Who was it? Keep reading!


My favorite recent pastime is watching court shows and looking up the plaintiff/defendant on facebook. It might sound kinda stalkery, but sometimes it yields funny results. For example, last weekend I was watching an episode of Judge Judy, and I randomly looked up the plaintiff. Her status message was, “So I guess my episode of Judge Judy is on. lol.” I don’t know if people had been messaging her or if she randomly saw it herself, but it was kinda funny to see that in “real time” – especially since the episode was, like, 2 years old. Plus, it’s also interesting to see them on TV, acting the part of “the good girl”, and then they have unlocked accounts filled with blunts and bong pics. This is why you lock your accounts, folks!

Apparently, Pinterest removed one of my pictures this week because it might have contained nudity. Honestly, I don’t even remember the pic they’re talking about. I don’t really even use Pinterest, ’cause I’m not a bored secretary. Pinterest has kinda become the young professional’s Tumblr, but if they want to compete, they’re gonna have to allow some nudity. That’s Tumblr’s saving grace – that and ADD.


Why do people still watch American Idol? Sure, people love to say “I only watch the beginning, for the terrible auditions”, but then you KEEP watching. WHY? To quote The Rock, “IT DOESN’T MATTER!” Name the last Idol WINNER who mattered. I’ll wait. Sure, the show gets you exposure, but the folks fare best who DON’T win. This goes all the way back to season 2, where most people forget that Ruben BEAT Clay Aiken. This pattern continued. Jennifer Hudson? Didn’t win. Chris Daughtry? Didn’t win. Katherine McPhee? Didn’t win. Adam Lambert? DIDN’T WIN! No, America voted for Fantasia, Taylor Hicks, and Kris Allen, respectively. Yes, Fantasia’s illiterate ass beat Jennifer Hudson! This teaches us 2 things: America can’t be trusted AND winning Idol is irrelevant. They’ll be back at their airport job in 6 months. You know a concept that I do miss, however? American Juniors!


When a network stumbles upon a reality hit, it then must decide how many cycles to run per season. In the beginning, they run it into the ground, running it in the spring and fall. Eventually, it’s decided to keep the show to an annual basis, and something else is created to fill the gap. This is how the American Idol/X-Factor arrangement currently works. After the second season of Idol, however, they didn’t want to burn off a season during the summer, so to bridge the gap between spring and fall, Fox ran American Juniors. This is actually the merger of two UK properties: Pop Idol and S Club Juniors. This probably a good place to describe the key difference between US and UK pop acts. In the US, pop groups (especially boybands) tended to start like this:

“Well, we were all working at Universal Studios, and we’d run into each other at the same auditions. Eventually, we put together our group.”

In the UK, however, things are more staged:

“I was watchin’ the tellie, and I see advert for a pop group bein’ put together. I’d done some modeling, and me mates was always takin’ the piss. One day, I snuck off from a game of footer and auditioned. Next thing I knew, I was in the group.”

I know US pop acts are just as manufactured, but they at least pretend that they’re not. UK groups are essentially the result of a cattle call for pretty people. Anyway, one of the biggest UK acts of the time was S Club (formerly S Club 7, but Paul had decided to leave, so they didn’t feel like reprinting everything with a “6” when they could just remove the “7”). Considering S Club had a TV show, movies, and CDs, I guess management saw it as a sustainable brand. So, as the original group started to show its wear, the S Club Juniors concept was born, where thousands of kids tried out on the reality show, S Club Search, to be the next generation of S Club. So, in the final year or so of the original group, they had this junior counterpart group just waiting in the wings to steal their jobs. Once S Club disbanded, the Juniors were officially promoted to S Club 8. I swear I’m not making this stuff up!

So, American Juniors followed much the same model: there was a cattle call for cute, performing children, and instead of singling out one of them as the BEST, the goal was to create a pop group instead. Since America has that whole “everyone’s a winner” mentality these days, it wasn’t too harsh, but it was still great seeing such raw, young talent. I’m a bigger fan of seeing a kid and thinking, “That kid’s going places!” instead of seeing some 20-something airport attendant and thinking, “That dude’s gonna get a ton of pussy for about 6 months, and then he’s back to handling luggage.” Just go back and watch old eps of MMC, and you’ll feel the same way when you see young Ryan Gosling and JT. Sure, there’s the risk of becoming ruined as a child star, but there aren’t a ton of child singer success stories. I mean, there’s Michael Jackson (HORRIBLE example) and there was Charlotte Church (who kinda grew up to be a bitch). Otherwise, folks seem to wait til their teens to debut these days. I’m not sure if it’s due to fear over pubescent voice change or what. Anyway, at the end of things, 5 kids were chosen to be the “American Juniors” (how creative), and their debut single was “One Step Closer”, which had also been the debut single of the S Club Juniors. While the show’s ratings were pretty great, a second season was scrapped. I’m tired of Idol. Bring back Juniors!

Links I Loved

The 5 “Dustiest” Pixar Movie Moments – UnderScoopFire!

Classick Team-Up 02: Joe Zicari -Cold Slither Podcast

Childhood TV Crushes Tournament – Eclectik Relaxation

The Smallville Ending – The Robot’s Pajamas

This Week’s Posts

Thrift Justice – Injustice For All

Buy some stuff from Will’s World of Wonder!

Be sure to enter Cold Slither Podcast’s Slither Madness 2013: Battle of the Bands! It’s one of the best March Madness brackets, and I’m a sponsor!

One spent 8 years in the ’70s, while one won’t see his 70s. Another should’ve kept his damn mask on, while we wish the other was wearing a mask. Only one, however, had the West Week Ever!


I’ve never lusted after Mila Kunis like most guys my age. I think my problem is that I never forget your first impression on me (this is also why I’ve never been a Beyonce fan). It’s not that Mila’s first impression was bad – it’s just that she was 14. That ’70s Show premiered during my senior year of high school, and Mila had actually lied to the producers about her age in order to audition for the role of Jackie. Since I read and watch everything concerning stars, this was kinda off-putting to me. Age is a funny thing. If you’re 31 and your gf is 27, nobody bats an eye. If you’re 18 and your girlfriend is 14, you’re probably on a list somewhere. So, I averted my glance. Over the years, however, Mila has grown into a beautiful young woman. And she’s the voice of Meg Griffin, which is also a plus! Still, for all of this, I never really gave her much thought until this week. I’m sure you’ve all seen it by now. She gave an interview in the UK to a VERY starstruck interviewer, and it was GOLD. Plainly put, Mila comes off cool as shit. It’s not a “she’s so hot” thing. I genuinely want her to be my friend. Ya know, the one who’s really cool, but also kinda hot, so she makes your wife jealous? Yeah, that scenario. So, for just being the coolest chick of the week, Mila Kunis had the West Week Ever!

01st Mar2013

West Week Ever – 3/1/13

by Will



One of these people just had the West Week Ever! Who was it? Keep reading!

I had a bottle of Ruby Red Grapefruit juice last Saturday, and it brought on a rush of memories. Anybody else remember the early 90s, when the Ruby Red grapefruit apparently acquired its own agent? It was everywhere, and Ocean Spray was obsessing over it the way current celeb gossip sites worship sideboob. Where did all that come from? It was a fucking fruit. Had science JUST created/discovered the Ruby Red variety at that time? Was it the same scientist who discovered Blue Raspberry? If so, I’ll bet that fucker’s rich!


Speaking of weird cultural phenomena, I have a big issue with Hawaii. Ya see, I always thought it was a cool place, filled with pineapples, leis, and dudes named “Danno”. Then something weird happened around ’98-99. Two things converged, changing my opinion of Hawaii forever: the original Making The Band and Baywatch‘s 10th season. Most people think Making The Band started on MTV with Diddy, but that’s not true; ABC started the show, showcasing the creation of the boyband O-Town. This would be boyband mogul Lou Pearlman’s last shot at the big time, and it’s filled with some great moments (like the guys start wondering about their contracts when they see a news report about *NSYNC suing Lou over theirs -which the Backstreet Boys had done just years earlier). In the original lineup of the group, the “brooding, older brother role” (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s a refresher) was filled by quiet, Hawaiian loner Ikaika. We got an inside look at Ikaika’s upbringing, which pointed out that Hawaii was kinda weird. Apparently, his family was almost musical royalty out there, akin to Don Ho and his “Tiny Bubbles”. He had an ambivalent attitude toward fame, and a weird girlfriend. Long story short, all his Hawaiian weirdness led him to quitting the group (NOTE: I once met a MTB producer who told me the real reason, but I ain’t trying to get sued. If Gawker wants to pay me, then I’ll bring out the top shelf material!). After all I saw of Ikiaka’s home life, it was clear Hawaii wasn’t all macadamia nuts and pogs. Then Baywatch made things worse.


It was pretty well-known that Baywatch was getting tired of Los Angeles, and production was going to be moved somewhere new (and cheaper) like Australia. For some reason, though, the nation originally formed as a penal colony gathered up every citizen and protested the arrival of Baywatch. Apparently, tiny red swimsuits would give the place a bad name. So, producers scrambled, and production was moved to Hawai’i. Yeah, see that fucking apostrophe?! Where the Hell did that come from? Apparently, Hawaii had just decided to get fancy on us. Was it always supposed to be spelled that way? Anyway, Hawaii was not a good fit for the Baywatch formula, as they apparently don’t have shark problems or smugglers down there. Instead, The Hoff opened a “top gun lifeguarding academy”. Lifeguarding requires training? I thought any white kid over the age of 13 could be a lifeguard. I mean, they all HAVE been lifeguards. It’s a “white of passage” (TM williambrucewest.com 2013). Hawaii shat all over the Baywatch legacy. Red suits were traded for yellow, the amazing “I’m Always Here” theme song was replaced by some Hawaiian drum shit, and, worst of all, it introduced us to Jason Momoa – the worst Hawaiian of them all! Many folks know Momoa from Stargate Atlantis (I’d say Conan The Barbarian, but nobody saw that), but he’s been around a lot longer than that. And with the exception of his Baywatch role, he always plays the same role as “silent, long-haired muscle warrior”. Why did Hawaii have to darken my screen with that guy? Why can’t it go back to being the beautiful, normal place George Jefferson went to lower his blood pressure? Is there no hope for Hawaii?!!

courtesy awesometoyblog.com

courtesy awesometoyblog.com

I didn’t really talk about this year’s Toy Fair, but there’s one thing I want to discuss: Mattel’s Batman ’66 line. While a lot of people are excited about it, this is one of the dumbest ideas ever in the creation of toys. Look, it’s cool to see, and I’m sure I’ll buy the Hell out of the ones I find. Note the end of that sentence: the ones I find. There’s no way this line is a success because they’re already handling it poorly out of the gate. This is a SPECIALTY item and not appropriate for mass retail. For folks who don’t understand what I’m saying, this is the kind of thing you should get from comic shops or Mattel’s Matty Collector website, but shouldn’t be sold at Toys “R” Us. One of the major arguments about Mattel’s market viability is the fact that they spent too much time catering to collectors and not to MOMS. After all, moms are the ones who buy toys, and not kids, so they gravitate to recognizable characters. This is why you have a Batman or Superman in every wave (if you’re smart), and you avoid $20 figures from a 30 yr old cartoon. This was the reasoning behind ending the sprawling DC Universe Classics, to rebrand as DC/Batman Unlimited, which focuses on those familiar characters. So, with that in mind, what mom wants to buy her kid “Middle Aged Paunch Batman”? It’s like Mattel’s setting the line up for failure, just so they can blame us for “not supporting the line”. All I’m saying is we better enjoy that first wave, ’cause I don’t see us ever getting an Egghead or King Tut figure. And for the figures that may have been tooled, but we haven’t seen, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them eventually end up on MattyCollector – where they should’ve been all along. And why NOW? It’s not an anniversary year for the series. I think this implies one thing: we’re finally getting DVDs. In any case, I’m very interested to see how this plays out.


Another week, another podcast – and I’m LOVIN’ it! Classick Material of The Cold Slither Podcast has finally spun off his own side project, with Classick Team-Up. This is a one-on-one interview series, and I was honored to be his very first guest. #1! #1! #1! We discussed everything from Spanish television to “CuntGate” to WWE, and more! I also probably owe some folks an apology (You know I don’t wanna edge you out, TimDogg98!). It’s probably one of my most candid pod appearances, so you’ll either LOVE it or HATE it. That’s just how I pizza roll. You can check it out here.

Oh yeah, before I go, FUCK GEORGE TAKEI! After my deGrasse Tyson takedown, I tweeted that George Takei was next. I hate everything about him on social media. His stuff is just NOT that funny, plus they say it’s really his husband behind all the tweets and facebook posts. All I know is this: if he had spent a fraction of his online energy on his acting career, maybe HE’D be the Priceline Negotiator. He needs to go somewhere and sit down, like Nichelle Nichols.

Links I Loved

Oscars Mixtape: Best Original Songs of the 1980s – Shezcrafti

The League Has Spoken: Happy Birthday! – Cool and Collected

Alright, Lets Discuss the DC Comics Robin Spoilers – Team Hellions

Providing The Grade: Justice League of America’s Vibe #1 – The Kliqnation

This Week’s Posts

Because Nobody Asked: Will On Comedy

Comical Thoughts: Nova #1

This Week’s eBay Auctions

One of them got in trouble for singing about boobs, while another was compared to a different part of female anatomy. One retired but got to continue living with his manservant, while the other resigned for serving man. But only one of them could have the West Week Ever:


Seth MacFarlane hit the big time start making a low-rated primetime cartoon for Fox. After its cancellation, Family Guy gained an audience in reruns, while Seth slept through his boarding call for American Airlines Flight 11 on the morning of September 11, 2001. Twelve years later, he’s got three animated series on Fox, he’s the highest paid writer on television, and he got the opportunity to host an event that’s simply not offered to everyone. Whether or not he did a good job (the debates are ongoing), he’s made the most of his “second chance”, and this is why Seth MacFarlane had The West Week Ever.


11th Jan2013

West Week Ever – 1/11/13

by Will


So, I’m really into this app called Pocket (Formerly Read It Later). Yeah, you have to put in the parenthetical part, kinda like “Millionaire Playboy Bruce Wayne” or “The Artist Formerly Known As Mousecop”. Anyway, it allows you to save links for articles you’d like to read at a later date. The problem with the app, however, is that I never actually go back and read anything. I wanted to make a dent in the backlog over winter break, but I didn’t get very far. So, as I clear out the inventory, I’ll be sharing some of the most interesting stuff with you. Be warned: I’ve been using the app since July, so you’ve probably seen some of these already.



I’ve always been fascinated by Scientology. It’s shrouded in so much secrecy, which only make me more curious. Unlike most people, I really try not to bash it because it’s really no crazier than most organized religions. And I say that as a practicing Christian. EVERY dogma requires you to sign on for some crazy shit. That’s where “Faith” comes in, and all that jazz. We’re all just trying to get through life the best way we can. Anyway, if you’ve ever been curious about Scientology, this is the BEST series I’ve ever read. It’s a 6-part essay written by a woman who was raised in, and later left, the church. If you’re just thinking, “Fuck them and their alien shit”, this isn’t the post for you. Skip to the next paragraph. However, if you have a genuine interest, click through as it’s a quick and engaging read.

I’m not even a Doctor Who fan, but I did get a kick out of Inspector Spacetime on Community. Well, as some of you may know, the guy who portrayed The Inspector used Kickstarter to fund a web series. So as to avoid litigation, the show is called Untitled Web Series About A Space Traveler Who Can Also Travel Through Time, and you can start watching the 6-episode first season here.


Darius Rucker on Hootie and The Blowfish and his country career: “I think if we came out today, we would have to change the instrumentation on a few songs and rewrite a few songs,” he says.” We’d have to be a country band today. I thought we were as close to country music as you could be then. That’s why I thought when I started doing my country records that I wasn’t doing anything different.” I’ve been saying that last part the WHOLE TIME. He’s ALWAYS been country. (courtesy of Billboard). I like to think if I ever got famous, Darius and I would golf together, on courses where we shouldn’t be allowed to play.

Rachel Feinstein is my new comedic guilty pleasure, as she’s been cohosting mornings on Raw Dog Comedy. She’s a local girl, hailing from Bethesda, MD, but you may have seen her on Last Comic Standing. Anyway, she kinda reminds me of someone I used to know.

I’ve mentioned my disdain for the ending of Y: The Last Man, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy the majority of the series. Compound that with the fact that I tend to HATE fan films, as their production values tend to be shit. That said, I would watch the fuck out of this movie.  Black men will recognize the lead Amazon (gang leader, not the mousy one) as Vida Guerra – the chick whose ass kept King Magazine in business.



I said it was coming, and it’s here: I was invited to join @TimDogg98 of The Kliqnation and @ClassickMateria of The Cold Slither Podcast to discuss the events in Amazing Spider-Man #700. You can listen here, plus the link will be posted in the sidebar with the rest of my podcast appearances.

This Week’s Posts:

Thrift Justice – Sign Your Name Across My Art

Forgive Us Our Trespasses AKA Malled To Death

Oh, and buy my shit!

12th Dec2012

Thrift Justice – All Filler, No Thriller

by Will

How’s that for an attention-grabbing headline, huh? Well, just like all kids can’t be honor students (I noticed your naked bumper), not all posts can be winners. Bottom line is that I’ve got a lot of pics I need to offload, and a lack of creativity at the moment. Also, my last two hauls are gonna BLOW YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MINDS when I finally get around to posting about them. Anyway, in my travels, I see a lot of stuff that I have to leave behind. It’s hard, but I just can’t provide a home to everything. I’m already violating several fire codes. So, sit back and see what might’ve been (also press play on your Little Texas CD if you have one). Oh, and the new logo is courtesy of Brian over at Cool and Collected!

First up, we’ve got this knockoff that appears to have been created using the mold from the Kenner Batman Returns Laser Bat. The hinges are even in the same place, however this is painted gold, and they slapped a bird face on the front. Apparently, it is piloted by a robot swimming in gold up to its neck. Seriously, only the head was popping up.

How fitting that the last time I wrote one of these posts, I used a 98 Degrees lyric for the title, and here they are! My favorite part is that there’s a card specifically for the teacher. Back in my day, she got “I Choo Choo Choose You” just like the rest of the kids. I wonder if it was somehow more adult than the rest of the cards. Well, good for her. Ms. Robbins works hard and deserves the fantasy of some guy on guy on guy on girl lovin’!

This is a bit of a cheat, as I found this in Toys “R” Us. Most people couldn’t understand the Best Lock Stargate license, but I think THIS is the most baffling knockoff toy of the year. Even though I’m not a gamer, I immediately recognized the name of Resident Evil‘s Chris Redfield. Now, I KNOW TRU didn’t pay for the RE license, so I think they’re hoping that the poor (economically, not circumstantially) kids who buy the True Heroes line are too poor to have ever seen Resident Evil. On the flip side, the RE fans fortunate enough to have played the game have never noticed this aisle before.

I knew Aircraft Fighter back when he was known as the Thunder Megazord. Of course, he was bigger then. He has looked better. I see he’s fallen on hard times. He’s clearly renting, as none of the pictures in his place have him in them. I hope he gets his shit together one day.

Here’s a cultural lesson for ya: in the UK, a MILF is known as a “yummy mummy” (Thanks, LamarRevenger!). How cute is that? Hardly seems worthy of a full book, what being a three step process:

1. Be hot

2. Have baby

3. Maintain hotness

Where’s my book deal?!

What becomes of the broookenhearted?!

I leave you with this pic. This motherfucker right here. It’s like if Dolemite was a rabid Smurfs fan. I don’t even know where to begin. You see my sleeve because I really had to sneak this pic. I have no doubt he had a knife in his Stacy Adams.

Ya know what? That, like knowing, was only half the battle. And half the pics I need to blow through. So, check in tomorrow when I’ll have another post! Happy Hanukkah!

25th Nov2012

West Week Ever – Black Friday Recap Edition

by Will

Hey, better late than never, right?

-Black Friday was good this year, as we were foolish enough to brave Walmart and Gamestop after Thanksgiving dinner. Wemanaged to procure a TV we wanted from Walmart, and we went crazy on XBox games. I haven’t even hooked the thing up, yet I got about 6 games in 24 hours. At the moment, we’re the (somewhat) proud owners of Arkham City (GOTY Edition), Dreamworks Super Star Kartz, The Sims 3, Assassin’s Creed, Lego Batman 2, and Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe. Meanwhile, this is what we witnessed at Walmart:

I thought unstable molecules only existed in comics, but those leggings are defying all known physics. I’ve never seen a polyfiber work so hard. And she had the gall to go out in public like that!


-This is gonna come off as “racist” to some, so brace yourselves. Anyway, I think the shopper I hate MOST is Old Chinese Guy With Hands Behind His Back. Yeah, you’ve seen him. He’s usually wearing a cardigan, and he moves along at a snail’s pace, closely inspecting everything he encounters. He has no regard for those around him, as time holds no meaning in his world.

-I think the true testament of a boyband’s worth is how they handle ballads. I mean, really anyone can dance around to autotuned beats, but it’s the slow harmony that separates the boyz from the men. With that in mind, “Little Things” by One Direction proves that they’re nothing but shit. They are NOT the real deal. It sounds like someone listened to Howard Jones’s “No One Is To Blame”, but took out all the interesting parts. This saddens me, as I really thought this would be the boyband comeback. It was basically 10 years in the making, but this isn’t it. One Direction and The Wanted just aren’t strong enough to recreate the BSB/’NSYNC rivalry. Meanwhile, Big Time Rush is in the 98 Degrees slot: they were around first, but had to catch the boyband wave once others stepped up to the plate. Still, they haven’t really broken out as anything other than as a modern-day, poor excuse for The Monkees (mainly because of the TV show).

-What the Hell happened to OneRepublic? A group should grow with each release, but they become more and more a group that I despise. I think it’s because Ryan Tedder likes to rip off his own songs (Google the Halo vs Already Gone debacle). Their recent song, “Feel Again”, sounds like he listened to Florence + the Machine and said “Yeah, I can do that.” They already sucked on “Good Life”, which  became more unbearable once tourism bureaus and cruise lines started using it in ads. If you trace OneRepublic’s career from their debut with “Apologize” to what they’re doing now, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. They could’ve carved an interesting niche, but now it seems like they want to rest in the depressing cavern between Train and Coldplay.

This Week’s Posts:

Took An Arrow To The Knee

Let’s Talk About AvX, Baby

Don’t forget to check Will’s World of Wonder and this week’s eBay auctions!

11th Oct2011

Thrift Justice – Strapped For Cash

by Will

I’ve got a great haul from the weekend to share with you, but I’m still writing that up. In the meantime, feast your eyes on some great stuff I’ve picked up recently. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

First up, we’ve got these tabloid-sized specials, know as History of Comics Vols 1 & 2. These were created by fan favorite comic artist Jim Steranko, and they used to be advertised as mail-away items in old comics from the 70s (I guess they were also sold in book stores, but I don’t really know much about the 70s books tore scene). Anyway, from what I’ve ben able to find out, the versions I got are known as Volume 1B and Volume 2B, since they don’t have the title written on the cover. What makes this buy even more special, however, is the fact that my copy of Volume 1 is signed and numbered by renowned Italian filmmaker, Frederico Fellini. You see, he wrote the foreword to the series, as he had been a big fan of Steranko. Now, do I have a certificate of authenticity? No, but I don’t really care. If I need to, I can just take it to Gold & Silver Pawn and have Frankenstein Randy Travis do some handwriting analysis on the signature.


I love the Power Rangers. Now that we got that out of the way, I’ve been tracking down old morphers like it’s my job. I’m not even looking for them, but they keep popping up at thrift stores. I stopped buying most PR toys about 15 years ago (which was still too late in the minds of most people), but I used to really be into the Zords and morphers. Hands down, Power Rangers morphers were my favorite role playing toys. These used to retail anywhere from $10-15, but I’ve been finding these for roughly $1 each. Still operational and everything. To top it off, they’re models that came out after I stopped buying, so I’ve been able to restart my collections where I left off. What you see here, from left to right, is the Time Force Morpher, Ninja Storm Wind Morpher, some kinda bootleg Dino Thunder Morpher, and the Overdrive Tracker.

My love of Batman is pretty well-known. I thought I had stumbled upon something awesome with this lunch box, as the date on the decal is 1982. It certainly looked pre-Super Powers, which would place it before 1985. That said, the decal doesn’t jibe with the rest of the package. You see, the latch is incorrect. I stopped getting these lunch boxes in the very early 90s, at which point they were still using a metal latch. The latch on this one is completely plastic, placing it later in the decade. Still, aside from all that Pawn Stars babble you didn’t ask for, it was still a nice find for 99 cents!

This is Max Ray, from the 80s cartoon The Centurions. I’ve been on the lookout for these because, just like Radiohead albums, you never see them at yards sales and thrift stores. This figure was pretty incomplete, as he didn’t come with any of the accessories that fit into the holes situated all over his body. Despite all that, I’m still pretty happy to own this guy, as he always reminded me of Tony Stark.


I always told myself that if I ever won the lottery, I’d buy one of those replica wrestling belts that costs $300. I’d wear it to church, court, to the bathroom. Don’t care. Referred to as “The Strap” by the professionals, I’d always have it slung over my shoulder (no one ever wears it as an actual belt!). Well, I’ve yet to win the lottery, so I don’t have one of those belts. I never wanted to pay the $15 for the crappy kids version at retail, but I had no problem paying 99 cents for one! The belt that I chose was the Intercontinental Title, and I did so for a reason. You see, everybody wants to be The Champ. Everyone thinks they’re Triple H, or John Cena or The Rock. I’m honest with myself. If I joined the WWE tomorrow, I’d NEVER get a shot at the WWE Title. I could, however, get the Intercontinental belt. That was the belt you used to get for beating Goldust or The Mountie. That’s more my speed.

I hated leaving these guys behind, as I think I’m probably America’s biggest straight male boyband fan. That said, I didn’t want these at $10 apiece. I’m pretty sure they didn’t cost that much when they were originally offered by Best Buy (they were promo items), and ‘NSYNC merchandise isn’t really on the rise. So, I had to say bye bye bye to them. Yup, I just said that.


Thanks for tuning in, and come back on Thursday for a special Thrift Justice surprise!

18th Jul2011

Charlottes, and Boybands, and Attraction! Oh, My!

by Will

In some circles of popular culture, it’s believed that the four women of Sex and the City represent the types of women that men are looking for out in the world. Whether it’s demure, girl next door Charlotte, career-driven, slightly man-hating Miranda, sexually aggressive Samantha, or the anomaly that is Carrie Bradshaw, one of those women is supposed to be the perfect match for every man out there. Given those options, I feel that most men are searching for Charlotte in a world filled with Mirandas and wannabe Samanthas. Am I wrong? Of course I am, but that’s because that’s not a well-rounded group from which to choose. That theory just doesn’t work there, as the selection is limited. I’ll tell you, however, an area of pop culture that got it right: boybands. Outside of music concerned with rhyming “alone” with “phone”, boybands were created according to a perfect science, where they offered something for every girl out there. Whether she wore short skirts or t-shirts, whether she was the cheer captain or on the bleachers – there truly was a boyband guy for every girl. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

First up, we’ve got the Cute One. He’s the one selling the concert tickets. He’s not always the lead singer, but he’s singing at least half the songs. That one’s easy – he’s there because he’s “dreamy”. Just like David Cassidy and Michael Jackson before him, he’s the one whose name is being doodled in the notebooks of the nation’s teenage girls.

Next, we’ve got the Bad Boy. He’s got tattoos and crazy hair. He might even have an odd obsession with aviator goggles. He sings a bunch of hooks, and operates under the “less is more” doctrine. After all, he’s too busy getting tattoos and buying new aviator goggles to be up in front like the Cute One. For all the girls who like a walk one the wild side, this one’s for you.

Then, we’ve got the Shy One. He *usually* doesn’t necessarily do much ’cause, you know, he’s shy. Also, years later, everyone will have to feign surprise when he also turns out to be the Gay One and/or the REALLY Religious One. He’s not comfortable in the spotlight, as he’s trying to keep a lid on his secret. Once it’s revealed, however, it’ll open up a whole new fan base for him and the group. Anyway, he’s for the girl who falls in love with her gay best friend.

You’ve also got the Older Brother. He was the guy who was working at Universal Studios the longest, and probably helped recruit the other guys. He doesn’t sing much, but he’s guaranteed a slot due to his assistance in recruitment. Once the whole boyband thing blows over, he won’t be making appearances on E! red carpet, but he’ll have a nice ranch in Montana somewhere. He’s the safe choice – the provider. He’s not into glitz and glam, as this is just a job. He hasn’t forgotten his roots, and he understands the value of loyalty.

Finally, you’ve got the Other Guy. This can mean a lot of things. Maybe he’s the Halfy, for a little urban flavor (but not too much flavor).

Maybe he’s the minority variant of the Shy One.

And don’t forget the Goofball! He’s got a sense of humor. Bitches love a sense of humor.

At the end of the day, he doesn’t do much. He’s #5, and his sole role is to provide symmetry on posters and in dance routines. Should the Older Brother decide to leave the group, the Other Guy’s role becomes more prominent. By being ill-defined, he provides a bit of mystery that is different from that you get from the Bad Boy. With the Bad Boy, you never ask “Why isn’t he singing?” You already know the answer: it’s either “He’s gonna sing the bridge” OR “‘Cause he didn’t feel like it”. With the Other Guy, you’ll constantly hear moms asking “Why doesn’t the Mexican boy sing more?” He’s an anomaly, but because of that, he can be whatever you need him to be. He’s the guy nobody notices, so he won’t have an ego. He’s just waiting for a woman to come along and make a “project” out of him.

If you have the right balance, you have this:

But if the balance is off, you end up with this:

If done right, there’s something for everyone. If done wrong, someone’s preference is being neglected. SCIENCE!


15th Oct2010

Backstreet Boys – Reading Between The Lines

by Will

On a recent roadtrip, Lindsay and I decided it would be fun to have a bit of a singalong. Since she had actually seen them in concert back in the day (I’m STILL jealous), I didn’t have any qualms putting Backstreet Boys: The Hits – Chapter One in the CD player. For the uninitiated, or for those with “musical taste”, Chapter One was essentially the Backstreet Boys’ first “greatest hits” album – I say “first”, because there’s bound to be another, even though they haven’t really had a “hit” since the albums covered by this disc. In any case, the odd thing about the collection is that the songs aren’t listed in any meaningful order – or are they? Usually, a common approach to these collections is to list the songs chronologically, so that you can hear the evolution of the artist’s sound. Here, however, they just jump around between the self-titled debut, Millennium, and Black & Blue. After a while, however, I began to see a narrative taking shape. After a closer listen, I decided to get down to what the collection was really trying to say.

1) I Want It That Way: It’s clear why this was the lead track, as this was hands-down their biggest hit. The song, however, makes no sense whatsoever. Sure, you can try to say that you know what it means, but even by pop standards, it makes no sense. This is further exacerbated by the fact that there’s a European cut that flips the script on the entire song – instead of “tell me why I never wanna hear you say”, it’s “tell me why I love it when I hear you say”. That version even changes up the lyrics. And no, it’s not a remix, as they’re both marketed as “I Want It That Way”. Talk about a cultural divide! So, bottom line is it’s a catchy tune, that heralded the release of their second album, Millennium, which broke the record for most units moved in one day (which was later surpassed by ‘NSYNC). Fine choice for #1 on the album.

2) Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) [Extended Version]:  Again, this placement is a no-brainer. While “I Want It That Way” was their biggest single, “Everybody” is the song that put them on the map. A lot of people don’t realize that this track wasn’t initially on their debut album. If you were one of the early birds to get the album, the track doesn’t exist. The song came out in the spring of ’97, as it was the lead single on their second European album, Backstreet’s Back. When the single took off, it was added to the later pressings of the US version. Anyway, as a career-making single, it’s fine at #2 on the disc.

3) As Long As You Love Me: This is where it gets interesting. By no means is this their next most successful single. Sure, it was popular, along with it’s face morph music video, but it wasn’t as big as some of the songs that would come on the next album. That’s where I start to notice a narrative. You can either decide they’re singing to their fans OR to a particular girl. Either way, the result’s the same. This is where the begging starts. Desparate to begin this courtship, BSB start pleading their case. They don’t care about past transgressions. She could’ve been a whore, a dancer, or a Mormon – it’s all forgiven as long as she loves them. This begging continues for the next four tracks:

4) Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely: Things don’t seem to be going so well for BSB. They’re feeling a little down in the dumps, but they’re not giving up yet. And they’re seeing dead people everywhere!

5) Quit Playing Games (With My Heart): Pulling themselves up by the bootstraps, BSB have decided that they’ve had enough, and they deserve better than what they’ve been getting. Girl, you’d better figure out if we’re gonna do this or not! I’m a MAN!

6) All I Have To Give: Uh-oh, they’re begging again. She must’ve caught them digging through her trash. They’re so distraught here that their grammar’s all over the place! “Does his gifts come from the heart?” And y’all wonder why she won’t return your calls! She was an English major!

7) Larger Than Life: A happier, bombastic tune. Not only do things seem better in the relationship, but it’s a thank you song. BSB realize they couldn’t have gotten here without her/us. Sure, it’s a thank you note to the fans, but it also works in a more intimate context. The video, however, had NOTHING to do with this, preferring 90s production values and creating a dance party on a space station. Sentiment’s still there…somewhere.

8 ) I’ll Never Break Your Heart: Now that everything’s going well, this is the “rose petals leading to the bedroom” song. BSB decided to turn down the lights for something a little romantic. A declarative song, they promise they’ll never do any wrong. It’s us, together forever baby!

9) The Call: AAANNNNNNDDD they fuck it all up. Apparently, the relationship was going too well, and they got bored. So, they decided to sing an entire song elaborating how they were now cheating. It would’ve seemed edgy had Usher not cornered the “boastful cad” market prior to the song’s release. Nothing indicates the peak of a career more than the moment the artist turns on his fans. Up to this point, BSB had declared their love for each and every young girl in the world. They’d begged and pleaded. Now, they’re telling all these girls how they’re cheating on them with their cuter, skinnier friend. You know, the one who goes down all the time. But don’t worry – they’ll be home when they’re done. BSB never quite bounced back from that boastful ditty.

10) Shape of My Heart: So, it seems she’s given the guys a second chance. After all, it was just that one time, and his phone really was dropping out – the battery was low! So now they’re back to begging. They’re apologizing without going into detail about what it is they did. It’s like a Hollywood press conference: “Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone. I played my part – kept you in the dark. Now, let me show you the shape of my heart.” Can’t you just see someone reading that, as Gloria Allred stands next to them?

11) The One: Now that the scandal has settled down, they’re back to making promises. Basically, they’re reiterating everything said in “I’ll Never Break Your Heart”, but to a peppier beat. If they were married, this is the part where they’d start talking about having another baby, ’cause that’ll solve alllllll their problems…

12) More Than That: A reiteration of promises. This is the kind of sentiment that follows her catching them looking at the babysitter the wrong way:

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?!! I see how you look at her!”

“No, baby! Who wants to be around pert breasts and a youthful outlook? Surely, you jest!”

13) Drowning: So, how does this tale end? Well, we don’t know. Instead of resolving the narrative, the album ends with “Drowning”. The trick to this song is that it’s really just BSB saying “Who do those O-Town kids think they are? Let’s show ’em how it’s done”. From a music theory perspective, Drowning is really just another interpretation of O-Town’s “All Or Nothing”, complete with the same piano intro. They’re really earnest about it, so as to keep us from realizing it’s the same song, but I know better!

So, I guess if you want to know whatever happened to this storied relationship, you’d have to buy their more recent albums. Yeah, I knew you didn’t care that much. You really should buy ’em, just to help Nick Carter buy a new trailer.