04th Dec2005

When You Go To A Toy Store, Dress Like There Might Be Kids Present!

by Will

“Don’t be fooled by my little green car and my White girl hair!”

Yay for stealing wifi from the neighbors! Nothing sounds sweeter than “free”!

So, here’s a story that happened to me on “Black Friday”. I was working Toys R Us, and I notice this 30 yr-old goth looking chick. Now, first off, if you’re 30 and STILL a goth, something’s wrong with you. You should’ve grown out of that shit by then. But I digress.

She’s looking like she just walked out of Hot Topic, with her parachute-strappy black pants and her black, screen printed tee. Well, I look closely to see what’s on that shirt, and in large, red letters, it says “MASTURBATION ROCKS”. And the back says, “BDSM”.

Now, keep in mind, this is Toys R Us, the day after Thanksgiving. I mean, come on! I can only imagine how many minivan conversations took place that night, beginning with, “Mommy, what’s mastur…masturba…what’s that word, Mommy?” I know there’s freedom of speech and all that, but it seemed like a cry for attention. I felt like we were supposed to say something, so she could go all “1st amendment” on us. I was gonna say something like, “Nice shirt”, but I didn’t want to play into it.

But she really wanted attention. Kept asking me questions about shit she knew we didn’t have. But I guess I didn’t give her what she was looking for, because I walked away, leaving her frowning and empty-handed.

We all had a good laugh at her expense when she left. And we thought that would be the end of it. Until she came in again the next morning. But no, she wasn’t wearing the shirt again. This time, she wanted to show off the rack that had been under the shirt, but that’s another story…

13th Nov2005

There Hasn’t Been A New Christmas Song In About 15 Years

by Will

“Nobody wants a ‘Charlie in the Box’.”

So, I recently returned to my former part-time work at Toys “R” Us. Why? Because I need the money. But I felt like a sell-out going back, seeing as how I swore I never would. Anyways, life’s a ‘yatch sometimes. That’s not what this post is about. This post is about the fact that TRU’s radio has switched over to non-stop Christmas music and it makes me wanna blow my brains out.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas music. I was almost a Christmas baby. But I can’t deal with the music continuously. Why? Because they’re all the same song. In all honesty, there hasn’t been a Christmas song to make a dent in recent pop culture since Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”. Prior to that, it was all that jazz about Grandma and the reindeer. My point is that the Christmas music industry is a big pissing contest. A sense of “Who can alter ‘O Holy Night’ the most?” And most Christmas songs are like the National Anthem: Yeah, it’s your time to shine, but the more you mess with it, the worse it’s going to sound.

It all goes back to “The Christmas Song”. I want to bring up a little reverse affirmitive action here. Everyone talks about Elvis stealing music from Blacks, but we did it, too. “The Christmas Song” is a Mel Torme song, but most people don’t realize it since you can’t scratch your balls in December without it sounding like Nat King Cole singing that blasted ditty.

It just comes down to the realization that “Christmas song” and “originality” can never be used in the same sentence. They are all the same. So, unless you’ve got an original song, I don’t wanna hear it. Something about Santa and Jesus saving the world from Nazi aliens on Christmas Eve. Now, THAT’s original.

25th Dec2004

It’s From “White Christmas”…

by Will

“God bless the mister

who comes ‘tween me

and my sister.

And God bless the sister

who comes ‘tween me and my man!”

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!! 🙂

19th Dec2004

Mommy Looks Like Grimace

by Will

“I am Colin: god of sex!”

First off, I’d like to thank Karlos, for he’s the only person playing my little Christmas quote game. He’s good. I’ve gotten two e-mails from him already. Any of y’all can join in. It ain’t like it’s rocket science! Anydangways…

So, my mom’s in this nouveau cult called the Red Hats. Apparently, a bunch of old broads over 50 get together for social functions etc. There are a couple of guidelines, such as they must wear purple dresses along with their red hats. The whole organization’s like an old-head sorority. There are different chapters, and some are a lot more distinguished than others. At the moment, she’s kinda disappointed because her chapter isn’t exactly “up to par”. She feels as if she’s slumming, but a good friend from work invited her. Regardless, she’s currently scouting better, more well-to-do chapters to join. My point? Well, there’s a funny story here.

Today, getting ready for church, I noticed she had on the purple dress, and I HATE that dress. It’s SO unflattering. So, I told her she looked like Grimace. Yup, “what-in-the-world-is-he-’cause-Mcdonald’s-doesn’t-serve-anything-purple” Grimace. Dismayed, she asked, “Couldn’t you have at least said ‘Barney’?”

“Nope,” I replied. “See, you’ve got a teardrop shape going on, kinda like an eggplant. And that’s PURE Grimace.”

But it gets better: I made a song out of it. The following is sung to the tune of Nat King Cole’s Christmas song, “Caroling”.

Caroling, caroling through the town

Mommy looks like Grimace

Caroling, caroling up and down

Mommy looks like Grimace

With her red shoes, hat, and coat

She will run just like a goat

Ding, Dong

Ding, Dong

Mommy looks like Grimace

Hey, I thought it was funny…

13th Dec2004

A Whole Bunch Of H&M Shit You Don’t Care About & The Return of Natalie

by Will

“Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.”

Seeing as how it’s the holiday season, from now until Christmas, I’m going to start each day’s post with a quote from one of my favorite Christmas movies. Try to guess this movie; I dare ya!

For you newcomers, my friend & archnemesis, Tarek Sultani AKA “The Singing Bush”, has decided to wage a cybernetic war against me. At first, I laughed at his feeble attempts. But, I’ve got to admit: the bastard’s funny! Plus, I read on his site that my own girlfriend has joined his ranks in pursuit of my downfall!! Pretty soon, this blog is going to turn into my daily account of how they “almost got me”!

By the way, Jenn’s not dead. OR James has found a way to post to Jenn’s site AS Jenn. Either way, I’m still suspicious…

Now, down to the nitty-gritty.

I hate my job. Yes, i’ve said this before, and I know some of you are thinking, “Wow, it’s been awhile since a good ‘I hate my job’ post was on this site!” Well, here it is. Yeah, training was a hoot, and I LOVED the Doubletree, but as many of you know, I HATE CHANGE. When I came back to my store, it was like someone had recast my entire show! People were missing, people were leaving. Didn’t really like the new people. It was one big fashion-retail clusterfuck!

The old faithful sales assts are hitting the road, while all of these new colorful characters are coming out of the woodwork. PLUS, we’ve got new managers. Now, sales assts are one thing, but managers are in charge. These are people I HAVE to listen to.

As for the new department managers, the great, underrated Elvis hit, “In the Ghetto” comes to mind. I mean, when the Hell did H&M become Job Corps? Every time I come to work, I expect metal detectors and a surprise visit from my parole officer! By the day, I’m losing more and more respect for H&M’s current hiring practices.

OK, I’m being a snob….but it’s deserved! My main problem is that these chicks are coming here, not even trying to learn how we do things. Instead, they wanna shake shit up, without having a strong foundation. “Frankie says ‘relax’.” They really need to be “watchers” before they become “doers”

Now, remember how i got a promotion? Well, apparently, so did some other guy. New to the company. Seems like they double-booked the position. So, we both have it, which seriously affected my raise because it limited our budget. Either way, I have a partner, and this ain’t “Lethal Weapon”! There’s no buddy-cop vibe here. In fact, they schedule us at different times so there’ll be no real confrontation. Which sucks because we do the same tasks in completely different ways. We’re gonna spend most of our shifts cleaning up after each other . I knew about this guy when he finished training. I was told, “Oh, he’s just gonna fill in until you finish your training.,” I knew it was too good to be true. Smelled fishier than a Taiwanese whore (wow…). So, I get back to my store, and they’re like , “Yeah…Kevin’s coming back next week.” This puzzled me until I just kinda forgot about it. Then, this morning happened.

Yolanda came in and said, “We have 2 ‘new’ people coming back today.”

“Who are they?”

“Oh, Kevin…the other admin. And Natalie.”

Yup, you read that correctly. That star of MANY a summer’s blog returned to work today. Does that bother me? No. I’m am doing OK, and I couldn’t explain that whole saga if you asked me to. You’ve gotta admit: it WAS good readin’. Other than that, that’s all I got. So, no, it’s no big deal. But it WAS the most awkward day that I’ve had in some time. Having to deal with Natalie and Kevin on the same day…I was having a SERIOUS “case of the Mondays”.

So, I also learned that on top of the new admin responsibilities, I’m STILL the Sr. Sales Asst in the Men’s Dept! How the fuck am I supposed to do all of this? I’ll BET Kevin’s making the same thing I am, and he’s not got all this shit to worry about. I LOVE the Mens Dept. i do. Honestly, I miss the days of simply running racks and dealing with JAP-bitch customers. Plus, did I mention that one of the hoodrats is my new Men’s manager? I haven’t had a Dept. Manager in 6 months!!!! That dept was MINE. No interference. it was a fucking Free Zone. Now, I have to answer to someone I don’t even respect?!! I’m sorry, as long as this chick says “Aks” instead of “Ask”, I can’t look at her with a straight face. “Let me aks you sump’n.” HAhaha…see what i mean? She even makes me e-laugh! This is gonna be a LONG winter. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m worth more than this. Not even in a “spiritual” sense. Economically, I’m WORTH more than this!!! I’m not money hungry, but eventually you have to call a spade a spade. Very confused and lost… I leave you with the great Sam Cooke:

“It’s been a long
long time comin’
But I know
A change’s gone come
Oh, yes it will.”

17th Sep2003

I Also Miss Juvenile Sales…

by Will

“Lionel Kiddie City turns a frown… upside down!”

Boy, do I miss that! Christmas is right around the corner, folks.

23rd Jul2003

Maybe A Dingo Ate Your Fiance

by Will

As if I didn’t already hate the Beach Boys, the annoying girl in the office just professed her love for them. Rather, it was phrased, “Oh my God, do you have more Beach Boys? You know their song, ‘Little St. Nick’ that they only play on oldies radio stations around Christmas? That song is SO CUTE. My boyfriend’s family love that song and they used to play it all the time.” I swear this girl is out to prove she’s a hetero girl. Everytime I turn around, it’s “My boyfriend, my boyfriend”. She’s so overkill about it. She’s always talking about how her exes won’t answer her when she IMs them. Ok, we get it! You’ve had boyfriends. From an HD perspective, she hasn’t had very many or else she wouldn’t talk about them all the damn time! Instead, she’d realize that we don’t give two shits about them or her history with them. She’s starting to sound like the Seinfeld episode where the woman keeps going on about her fiance. “Where’s my fiance? Where could he have gone?” Finally, Elaine answers, “Maybe a dingo ate your fiance.” Well, I wish a dingo would eat this chick’s boyfriend, as well as her annoying ass.

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