14th Jun2004

Last Call DC: Karaoke Thaiphoon!

by Will

Had a GREAT evening with LC/DC! Levow, Mike, Bill, John, Lip and I met up at Thaiphoon in Du Pont Circle for dinner (for the record, don’t go to Thaiphoon! Bland City). After dinner, I conned them into heading over to my stomping ground, Cafe Japone, for some Karaoke.

We did the whole ringer thing of “Wow, I think I might sing Drops of Jupiter…I’ve never sung that before!” Anyway, the place wasn’t exactly packed, so we were basically singing to this woman and her husband.

Funny thing about Japone: Ran into Tanya from the other night; didn’t recognize me….And I thought we had something special! *sniff* Well, it just goes to show you can’t sustain anything meaningful with a girl you meet at a party or a bar…

Anyway, we must’ve sang every song on Vestosterone, and then some. Eventually I had to dip because I had to make the last train. Boy, it sure will be nice when I don’t have to play Cinderella anymore…

Anydangway, it was a great night, and now that I know these guys are in town, hopefully it’ll be the first of many.

24th May2004


by Will

So, apparently, something newsworthy came out of Central NY that’s NOT about Cornell. For all you politicos out there, I’m sure you’ve heard about the controversy surrounding “Washingtonienne”, AKA Jessica Cutler. Ms. Cutler, a Syracuse grad, was a Capitol Hill staffer who routinely engaged in office sex, while playing a couple of guys on the side. The problem here is that she decided to post about each encounter on her blog…at work….on Capitol Hill. So, of course, she was fired last week for inappropriate use of government computers and equipment. She claims she didn’t really care because she hated the job anyway. Apparently, she’d decided that 25K was just too little to live off of, so most of her living expenses were paid by the men she was sleeping with. In fact, one guy in her posse routinely gave her $400 for anal sex. The beauty of the whole affair is her blase attitude about it all. To read her whole journal for yourself, hop on over to http://washingtoniennearchive.blogspot.com , and there’s a color picture of her at http://www.ilovejennabush.com. She keeps talking about how hot she is, but she’s not really. I guess I’ve got to applaud her moxy and inflated sense of self worth. Anyway, I think Monica taught us all that anyone can get laid on Capitol Hill. God Bless America!

05th May2004

Web Rivalry With J. Lamb

by Will

Wow, so it appears the Great Lamb has fired back. Well, I guess I should just lead this Lamb to slaughter. I “turned Lean on Me into porn…”? The “skeet skeet” was a humorous, yet unwelcome addition.

And apparently I’m stepping on VH-1’s toes. As you know, I always wanted to work for VH-1, so I’ll take that as a compliment. If you’ve got me confused with Mo Rocca or Joel Stein, I welcome the comparison. After all, I WAS the one who taught you his name is pronounced Nick “le-SHAY”, and not “LAH-kee”, as you’d been incorrectly spewing it. You NEED me, bitch!

Well, James, in regards to my music section being silent, i’m just waiting for your girl to post the tracks. After all, she’s the one who has ’em. Oh wait a minute…YOU DIDN’T KNOW I WAS TALKING TO YOUR GIRL, did you? Oops….

04th May2004

The Trials Of Retail

by Will

Episode Title: “It’s Good Stuff…Even On The Red Line” Episode #: 05102203

Special Guest Star: Ed Cabic

Today was an interesting day. Was late again for what is turning into a week-long streak. Just don’t care anymore. “Law of Diminishing Returns” and all that jazz. No, I’m not that irresponsible. I DO care, but I don’t really feel that it matters. I seem to have different goals for my store than those who are responsible for steering it in the right direction. I constantly observe bad business practices, compounded with a lack of consistency in regards to regulations. Anyway, I had a good reason for being late. I had to find my earring. Yeah, I know it sounds lame, but I’ve got a great story about how I lost it, but I’ll post it another time. Anyway, this was a REAL diamond, and I wasn’t about to take it lying down. Cubic Zirconia, and I’d have been to work on time. Diamonds…not as punctual.

So, I found my earring, but got to work about an hr late because all the buses in N. VA suck, and NEVER run on-schedule. I get to work, and the manager is all upset ’cause I didn’t listen to some order one of my fellow trainees gave me. I told the manager, “Look, you’re a manager and I expect to hear these things from YOU, and frankly I don’t trust the person who gave me that order.” She proceeds to tell me that I have to track down a manager and demand an answer in those situations! Me, the employee, DEMAND something from a manager? Welcome to the Land of Oz. There’s so much diffusion of responsibility in that place, and I’m tired of it.

This job’ll never see a resume, as far as I care. I don’t say this that often, but “I went to Cornell, damn it!” I’m slumming, and we all know it. EVERYONE there is slumming. We all deserve better! Everyday day is a “what the Hell am I doing?” moment. I think we must be going through what slaves felt when they were emancipated. Everyone thinks it was “Howdy-doo, we’s got freedom!”, but it wasn’t like that at all. Many slaves were lost and didn’t really know what to do with their lives. Many stayed with their former masters because they didn’t know anything better. I think we all feel like those slaves. We know it’s bad, but we’re not quite sure of our other options at the moment. So, we put on a smile, and do our time, just waiting for news from the North of better things to come…

I’m just trying to learn about life and people. When I stop learning, I’ll move on. After all, that’s what Esther taught me. I’ve heard so many horror stories of customers calling my coworkers “niggers’ and stuff like that. Just LET them try that on me! I’d LOVE…no, I’d WELCOME the opportunity to face that kind of mess. Anything I do, from a moral perspective, will be justified. I was just standing up for myself. Plain and simple. I’m not talking about anything physical, but I can be pretty witty and cold when pushed to the limit, and I have quite the library of bitterness saved up.

Another common beast is the loud millionairess. Apparently, a lot of women come in, thinking they own the place just because they’re so rich. Let me set the record straight for you ladies: 1) you’re not rich. Either your husband or father is rich. You haven’t worked for anything. You know how I know? It’s because you’re here wasting my time, instead of being at a real job. 2) if you DO have millions of dollars, don’t brag about spending it on the shit at H&M. Hell, that makes me pity you more than anything. If I had your money, I’d be out buying Louis Vuitton, and I mean the real stuff, not the fakes I’ve caught you buying from the Haitian on the street in Georgetown. If you Do have money, I just see you as a cheap bastard, especially considering most of these clothes have the consistency of 2-ply toilet paper. But I digress….

I paid my dues, and put in my 8 hrs. When I was done, I was all set to unwind on the LONG ride home. Right before I get to Metro Center, who should I see? Mr. WVBR himself: Ed Cabic. “It’s good stuff…and good for you!”. He recognized me, and I asked where he was headed. I really had to make my connection, so I told him I’d spoken to Lip and knew that they’d all been hanging out, so I’d see him soon. I hope I didn’t come off as a dick. I’m always worried about that….

04th May2004

The Return of Lippart!

by Will

Today’s Episode: “The Citadel of Herndon” (A 2-Part Adventure) Episode #: 05102201

Special Guest Stars: Tam, Darien

Returning Cast Member: Eric Lippart

So, it started out as any other Friday. I was kinda excited ’cause when I got to work, I noticed I was stationed in the fitting room, and that’s my favorite station. No, I’m not a pervert, but I always have funnier stories to tell about the fitting room. The next thing I know, there’s Tam. For all of the uninformed, Tam’s my pseudo-cousin. Very long story. Regardless, H&M, on Mean MILF Island, was the last place I expected to see her. Anyway, she was just shopping for stuff for her trip to Miami. Apparently, she’s been working hard lately, and decided she deserved a vacation. *&^%ing successful people with their *&^%^ing successful plans! We chatted and we’re supposed to hang out sometime this summer ’cause she’s on all kinds of guest lists for clubs and parties. It’s weird how we’ve gotten closer in recent years, when we used to be kind of warring. She had the pseudo-street cred, while I was a laughing stock Alphonso Ribeiro.

After she left, he walked in the door. I didn’t notice him at first. In fact, I wondered, “Who’s the sketchy guy leaning by the pillar?” I had to run out to do a price check, and that’s when I noticed. LIPPART. Yeah, we’d talked recently, but I hadn’t actually seen him since October. He was certainly a sight for sore eyes. The first chance I got, I finagled my 15-min break, even though we were 15 minutes from closing. We chatted and tried to make plans for when I was done with work.

When I got back in the store, Bridget, one of the girls who works there, asks, “Who’s your friend?” In a tone I didn’t really like. “What the hell kind of question is that?” I fire back. “He’s my boyfriend! Is THAT what you want me to say?” Yeah, I know it was a bit harsh, but I didn’t like her tome, and you’ve got to meet her to understand this girl. She’s young. She’s 18, but she’s still “young”. Kinda immature. I just wasn’t in the mood. Turns out, though, she thought Lip was cute. Wanted the 411 on him. (Do people still say “411”?). The more I told her (He’s got a good job, Master’s degree, etc), the more she was into him. I decided to have a little fun, so I just kept pouring it on. She doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell, but it at least made the time pass quicker.

Once done, I met Lip and his friend Darien at Silver Diner, where we discussed South Park and our mail-order bride of a waitress. Once that was done, we weren’t really sure what we were going to do next. We dropped off Darien, and then it was off to Eric’s.

This is when it got weird. Since I hadn’t seen him in awhile, I really didn’t know what to expect. I had a feeling that must be akin to how a girl must feel when she’s on the way to some guy’s house she just met in a bar. The whole, “Am I gonna sleep with him? Well, I’m headed to his house, so I must plan to sleep with him debate”. No, I wasn’t thinking of it along those lines, but I was curious, “Am I going home tonight, or am I sleeping in Lip’s guest room tonight?” I didn’t care either way, but I just wanted to be sure before I missed the last train back to MD.

So, we’re headed to his place, and I see what I can only describe as a citadel. I’m about to ask him what it is, when I notice we’re headed for it. In fact, we pull up right to it. Turns out, he lives in said citadel! I forgot the name of the development, but it is one of the sweetest places I have ever seen! And it only gets better inside. I am SO impressed with his decorating skills. I may have introduced him to H&M, but someone else introduced him to Pottery Barn and the Bombay Company! I couldn’t have decorated any better. in fact, it just motivated me to want my own place to try my hand.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. So, he’s giving me the grand tour, and I can’t believe my eyes. The flat screen TV, the faux fireplace, the courtyard view! Why is this man single, I ask? I told him he needed to post pics of the place online, and any woman’d want him. His place looks as if it has a woman’s touch, but he did it all himself. Definitely a place any woman would feel comfortable in.

Then, I find out there’s a super market, McDonalds, Subway, Gold’s Gym, Chuck E. Cheese’s, Irish Pub, and many other specialty shop SUPER MINI-MALL right across the street. Every convenience was thought of. Everything right at your fingertips. We go to the pub, Ned Devine’s, and have a few drinks. It was at that point, I realized I wasn’t seeing MD that night.

We went back and watched Kill Bill, which looked almost as amazing as it did in the theatre, thanks to Lip’s amazing entertainment center. I passed out and had the best sleep I’d had in days.

Saturday, we watched X2 and had Chinese, while Lip looked for job postings at his company. He’s trying to help me out by looking for anything in HR. We mainly spent the day watching Queer Eye and Batman, til that night, when we went back to Ned Devine’s. At around 2 AM, he drove me back to MD.

All in all, it was a great weekend, and I’m sure I left out some stuff, but that’s the main gist of it all. I’m just glad to have him back in the cast.

29th Apr2004

Thin Line Between Beauty and Ugly

by Will

I felt this post was appropriate, seeing as how People’s “50 Most Beautiful People” issue is about to drop.

You know how there’s a thin line between pain and pleasure? I’m beginning to think it’s the same with beauty and ugliness. For instance, we think gorgeous people are gorgeous because they differ so much from everyone else. At the same time, we think unattractive people are ugly….because they differ so much from everyone else. My point is that a lot of the people we find “attractive” should also be “unattractive”, but it’s simply a matter of perspective.

Nick Lachey, it’s been said, really isn’t a hot guy. If you look closely, he’s got a big pug nose, thick lips, and he’s almost kind of a meathead. But if you take the parts as a whole, something about them converge to make him this heartthrob. You could say it’s his personality, but look closely next time; you’ll see what I’m talking about.

At Cornell, there was a very attractive singer who, upon closer inspection, had certain physical aspects that should be “unattractive”. Regardless, somehow these aspects converged, causing us all to think this person was gorgeous. I still stand by this assessment, but some days, my mind wanders….

Jennifer Garner is another example. In my mind, she is the world’s most beautiful man. Yes, I said “man”. There is NOTHING feminine about her, yet she’s this sex symbol. Had she come out last decade, she’d have been some sort of freak. But now, she’s this “graceful beauty”. Have you seen her high school pictures?!! This girl had “ugly duckling” written all over her. And no, she did NOT have some kind of glamorous Hollywood makeover. Little has changed in her appearance, except she’s more buff. And we call this “sexy”? She was hot in Daredevil, but that’s ’cause she was a ninja, and General Law of Life #768 states that “All ninjas are cool, no questions asked”.

I guess my question is what is it about these people, or our own assessments, that cause them to be seen as “sexy” and “beautiful”.

Oh man, I’m starting to sound like James…

29th Apr2004

John Stevens & Cornell Idol

by Will

Let’s talk about John Stevens. Now, I have never been a big fan of his, and I definitely thought he was out of his league, but this whole thing has gone too far. I was so glad he was “put out of his misery” last night because I was beginning to fear for him. His grandparents were beginning to fear, too, when they read someone hoping he’d be “taken out” by an audience member. That’s just plain inappropriate!

American Idol is a farce, plain and simple. We get our kicks from it, but there’s no need to get so passionate. I’m beginning to equate it to professional sports; I never understood how someone could get so wrapped up in a team/game, where the result could lead to violence.

I’ve got to hand it to Simon. He told John, “You are only 16 years old, yet you have taken these bullets thrown at you like a man.” He was right on the money. Imagine what it must feel like, to have been voted to this position, and then have everyone turn their backs on you. Every week, fearing you’re next to go, knowing people expect you to go, and then seeing your friend voted off. Imagine what it must’ve been like to have been his elderly grandparents, once so proud, now fearful for the life of their pride and joy.

Plus, most of us can’t stand when the girl at the office is talking shit behind our backs. Imagine what a 16 YEAR OLD, who’s already the most insecure creature in nature, must feel when he learns the whole nation basically think he’s a hack. If that’s the case, who’s been voting for him all these weeks? Stand up and be accountable! If he had just up and commited suicide, I wonder who’d be to blame then? Would people even feel sorry, or would they just say, “Oh well”? “Cause it was certainly a possibility. He could have killed himself. Stranger things have happened. And it would’ve been Jillian Barberie’s fault, and Jay Leno’s fault, even Katie Couric’s fault. This got to the point where newscasters, who aren’t even supposed to takes sides, especially on trivial matters such as these, were against him. They can’t even take sides on the war, but they can add to a pasty teenager’s depression. Way to go, Katie! What, Al Roker too skinny for you to make fat jokes about anymore? You gotta turn to someone new?

John Stevens, you held your own like a man, and I have more respect for you than you can imagine. I couldn’t even deal when I bombed Cornell Idol, and that was worthless. Hell, I think the winner was asked to leave Cornell, so I guess she lost the title. Regardless, you took those barbs and jabs much better than I could have. I want to know your secret, but mainly I’d just like to know you.

Plus, it’s not like he’s out of the picture and people need to realize that. First of all, by virtue of even making it to this stage of the competition, he’s already a part of the live touring show once the contest ends. Plus, it’s not like you have to win the thing to get a recording deal. Hell, RJ Helton just released a CD a few weeks ago. Yup, Gay RJ from season 1. It’s not like it sold, but it’s still out there for anyone who wants it. John, someone out there wants you. That’s why Michael Buble and Josh Groban are stars. You have an audience, and they’re just waiting to hear more from ya. Now, don’t try singing anymore Nsync, especially when it’s a putrid Gloria Estefan song, but I know you’re talented. You just weren’t in the right environment.

23rd Apr2004

Who Needs Slope Day?

by Will

Man, Slope Day’s coming up, isn’t it? Doesn’t really mean anything down here in MD. Well, who needs the slope? I’m sure I can get plenty soused with the H&M crew without having to deal with freshmen and some crappy jam-band. Wait a minute…..I now live around like 10 colleges. Oh God, I’m gonna be THAT guy…..

23rd Apr2004

Why I Hate thefacebook.com

by Will

Let’s talk social-networking websites. Let me say that I really hate thefacebook.com. I’m on it ’cause it’s where most of the Cornell kids are, but I’m not the biggest fan of the interface. Plus, it’s kind of elitest, considering the schools that are connected to it. Let me ask this, though: WTF is UVA doing there?!!! You’ve got all these Ivies, Duke, MIT, and then you’ve got UVA?!!! I’ve never bought into the whole Ivy Elite hype ’cause we were a 2nd tier Ivy. Cornell is not what people immediately think of. It’s always Harvard, Princeton, Brown, and Yale.

Anyway, I’m not a huge fan of thefacebook’s…”clientele”. It seems to be a tool that’s only useful for freshman looking for good party connections and the latest crush party info. It’s like an e-Uris: a digital substitute for face time. It does nothing for alums or anyone who’s no longer in Ithaca. It’s predominantly ’07 kids. Plus, I don’t really like how it integrates to show if you’re online and stuff. I guess some people like it. The gist of it is that I prolly never should’ve joined. It’s all Tristan’s fault! Anyway, I’ve sought out those who I feel I WANT to be connected with, and if I find any others, we’ll link up. Otherwise, you can find me on Friendster.

I prefer Friendster ’cause it’s not so isolationist. I can reconnect with that weird kid who ate glue in 1st grade and find out that he works for NASA now. There are loftier revelations involved with Friendster, while most of the people I’m connected to on facebook have heard from me in the last 6 months. No real suspense there. Plus, Friendster has greatly added to my “special guest star” drama of the previous post.

But here’s my Friendster warning: Ladies, stop messaging me just because of my picture. I know this sounds cocky, and it’s not supposed to, but I put it all out there in the profile: I’m a geek. Plain and simple. Some people might think I’m a cute geek, but I’m a geek, nonetheless. If you get a reply from me that you don’t necessarily like, or it’s not “cool” enough for you, remember: the writing was on the wall from the get-go. Now, if you happen to LIKE geeks…

23rd Apr2004

My Life Is Full of Special Guest Stars

by Will

I’m totally convinced my life is a TV show. YES, I know this sounds somewhat paranoid, but the events that occur to me could only be scripted. My life takes the unexpected twists and turns that only some ratings-hungry network execs could think up. Now, don’t get me wrong, a little excitement is good every now and then, but COME ON!

In the past three months, my life has been “enhanced” by the presence of many…let’s call them “special guest stars”. These are people I haven’t been in contact with for years, and now they’re coming out of the woodwork. Now, I’m enjoying all of these reunions, but it makes me feel like something big is over the horizon. And that makes me uncomfortable, because I like to be ready and prepared for anything; recent events have shown I’m getting a bit sloppy in that department.

I’ve been saying that this whole year was for me to find myself, and I guess I had to lose some stuff to gain. I just didn’t realize there’d be all of these connections back to a past that I really don’t acknowledge. I’ve run into people from every phase of my life, mainly just by working at H&M. I’ve had the Calvary Era, by running into Quiesha Tresvant. I’ve had the Newport Era by running into Arielle & Betsy. The TRU Era ’cause I run into Napier EVERYWHERE. Today, I finally had the Cornell Era. I’m on the Metro, minding my own business, listening to my Death Cab, when something inside tells me to look up. Who do I see? Chris Foster and his girlfriend standing on the platform. I run off the train just as it’s about to pull off, so I can go talk to him and find out who the beauty is who’s accompanying him. This isn’t the first Cornell meeting by any means. Back in Feb, I ran into AJ’s friend Alexa while coming out of the Dupont Circle station (I guess Cornellians love the Metro), and last week I read an article about her in the City Paper. This region is large enough that this shouldn’t have to happen.

Yes, I have a flair for the dramatic, but I couldn’t even come up with some of the people I’ve been running into lately. It’s been good ’cause it all relates to the things I’ve been reflecting upon recently, but there’re are still 2 more people that have yet to be found. Once that occurs, then the sky is the limit. I’m not gonna name these two people, but let’s just say both their names begin with “A”. There’s something I need from both of them, and I don’t think they’d be too hard to find, but the timing’s not right yet.