02nd Sep2004

Magic Shave Turned Me Into Firemarshall Bill

by Will

Boy, today sure sucked…

1) I didn’t get that job. I didn’t know if I could really do what they were asking, but I was willing to try. Anyway, the chick just kinda fumbled on my voicemail. The professional equivalent of “It’s not you, it’s me…”. Man, if she’d mentioned that she was a lesbian, my life would’ve come full circle…

2) I burned my face using Magic Shave. For the uninformed, as a Black man, a razor is your worst enemy. Well, the Grand Dragon of the local KKK is your worst enemy, but a razor is a cross-burning distant second. So, there’s this powder called “Magic Shave” that’s a chemical which removes the hair. Anyway, leave it on too long, and it’ll irritate your skin. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I got to work, and noticed there was basically blood on the surface. It had take off a good bit of my epidermis. And it was predominantly just on the right side of my face. So, I spent the day looking like Two-Face, which burned until I numbed it with an icepack. It also didn’t help that a guy at work called me “Firemarshall Bill”. That asshole…

3) I lost my man! No, it’s not what it sounds like. Well, I guess it is. Anyway, Cheesecake Factory guy’s been spending a lot more time in H&M. But it’s not for me! Apparently, he’s met one of the authentic H&M ga…i mean, “guys”….Well, there goes that source of attention….

4) For the second week in a row, my comic total came to about $50. This is absurd. Especially when I think how these things used to cost a fraction of what they do now. Of course, I wasn’t alive then, and the same could be said for gas and food, but still….why should 22 pages of colored paper cost $3.50? I’ve GOT to drop some titles….

5) I can’t go to Boston anymore. I was planning on visiting Tarek for Labor Day, but H&M has fucked with my schedule as they’re so prone to do. I need out. I can’t take that job anymore. And I really needed that trip, too….

30th Aug2004

An Analysis Of Sex Techniques: DC vs. Marvel

by Will

I know I vowed I was taking a break, but Hell, Cher’s Farewell Tour has been going on for 3 yrs, so I think I can get away with this. Conversation with Lip, Special Guest Star: Shelly.

The conversation started with Lip and I discussing the blossoming romance between Batman & Wonder Woman on “Justice League Unlimited”. Soon afterward, it simply spun out of control…

Me: ” still can’t believe that chick is a virgin. it’s just so wrong. someone should be tapping that, i don’t care if she WAS made out of clay”

Lip: “yeah…Superman should be all up in that. She’s the only woman who can handle the force of him blowing his load”

Me: “bah. nobody’s ever gonna let that go…stupid “Mallrats”… yet no one ever talks about Spidey…he’s got radioactive sperm. MJ can’t handle that”

Lip: “I don’t think his sperm is radioactive”

Me: “his blood is…or what about the Hulk? he’d rip betty banner apart upon orgasm… or Mr. Fantastic. he prolly let’s loose like a runaway firehose…poor betty banner… poor invisible woman…. and poor MJ”

Lip: “the Hulk would only do that if he was the Hulk at the time… not if he was Bruce Banner”

Me: “but, psychologically, there’s a thin line between pleasure and pain. i think, upon orgasm, he’d hulk out and rip her open”

Lip: “I don’t think so…he only Hulks out when he gets angry… and, unless he’s having some angry sex, I doubt that would happen”

Me: “you’ve never had angry sex?”

Lip: “not really… I’ve had intense, apartment-shaking sex, but never really angry sex”

Me: ” it’s a BIG possibility. i say he splits her like a log… and i take it you agreed with my mr. fantastic analysis?”

Lip: “yeah…Mr. Fantastic would be crazy in bed with a woman”

This is the point where I let Shelly in on the whole thing.

Me: “I’m having a conversation so weird even I’m ashamed of it. A friend and I are discussing superhero sex. Ever since that “Mallrats” conversation, everyone’s so wrapped up about Superman. Frankly, I think the Hulk would be a LOT worse. He’d hulk out and split Betty wide open.”

Shelly: “Wow…that’s an image that’s gonna haunt me for at least the next few minutes…”

Me: “LOL…glad to be of service”

Shelly: “Dude, totally Wolverine…”

Me: “Wolverine? Nah..underneath, he’s really a lover..”

Back to Lip, Me: “Shelly’s weighing in now. she thinks wolverine would be a terror in bed.. i told her i think he’s a lover underneath”

Lip: “Nah, he’d be all into S&M and shit…I mean…claws? regeneration? give me a break”

Me: “he’s a lover”

Lip: “bah, bs”

Me: “a taiwanese whore, he’d tear up. jean grey? it’d be sweet, sweet lovemaking”

Lip: “Nah…that would be one of those 3 hours sex sessions”

Me: “she’d be all in his head… that’d be a meta-orgasm… he’d probably have a stroke if not for the healing factor”

Lip: “and with his regeneration….he could go on FOREVER”

Is it just me, or did that come across as a REALLY weird segment of “Loveline”? Lip was totally Dr. Drew-ing all my ideas. The weirder it got, he somehow remained the scientific voice of reason…I’m a bigger dork than i ever realized. And I love that I have friends just as sick and twisted! I know this is gonna be the basis for a subpoena or something one day…

17th Aug2004

Joey Da Q Doesn’t Care For AOL Comics

by Will

In comic news, apparently Marvel & DC are trying to start their rivalry again.

For the uninformed, comics fans usually stick to one company. The choices are 1) DC, which publishes Batman & Superman, 2) Marvel, which publishes X-Men & Spider-Man, and 3) Image, which publishes Spawn and…a bunch of books that don’t last long.

Now, there IS some crossover, with most people reading books from each company, but back in the day, that was unheard of. You had loyalists. Hell, Marvel made a little gang out of it, called F.O.O.M., which stood for “Friends Of Ol’ Marvel”.

In recent years, the competition dwindled as both companies simply struggled to survive.

Looks like the gloves are off again. Marvel’s Editor-In-Chief, Joe Quesada is at the front of the charge for more of a rivalry. despite this passage being about 2 yrs old, this is how Joe feels about his competition:

“Mr. Quesada is convinced that some good old-fashioned gloves-off rivalry will be good for business. “I liked it when the two companies hated each other,” he said. “It made it better for the fans. You know, if you like DC, then you hated Marvel. If you like Marvel, then you hated DC.””What the fuck is DC anyway?” Mr. Quesada said, stoking the fires. “They’d be better off calling it AOL Comics. At least people know what AOL is. I mean, they have Batman and Superman, and they don’t know what to do with them. That’s like being a porn star with the biggest dick and you can’t get it up. What the fuck?” (Paul Levitz, DC’s president and publisher, declined to comment for this story through a spokesperson.)”

We’ll just have to wait and see how this pans out. I, myself, have been on both sides of the debate. Originally, I was a DC loyalist, but then I discovered X-Men and was wooed to the other side. I love my Batman, but I think I have to make mine Marvel!

29th Jul2004

Batman Begins Trailer

by Will

Batfans, I give you the future. That’s right, bitches… the trailer is up!


22nd Jul2004

Comic Movies, Bank Breakup, and the MP3 Site Of Mine That I’ll Probably Forget About

by Will

I’m too lazy for a big post right now, but I figured it was time for an update.

Quick Thoughts:

– Bryan Singer’s directing “Superman”. Yah! …Which means no “X3”. Boo! There goes the X-Men movie franchise..

-Jessica Alba as Sue Storm in “Fantastic Four”? She’s cute and all, but I hate to admit I was more excited when I heard Jessica Simpson was up for the part…

-I started Driver’s Ed this week. Really forgot what it meant to be 15 yr’s old. No, I was NEVER like that, but it sure is weird. i don’t even get these kids. I made a “California Dreams” reference, and the room went silent. Crazy, young whippersnappers…

-Apparently, there’s a Green Lantern movie in the making, but Warner Bros is gonna make it a comedy, and they’re currently talking to Jack Black about starring in it. For every “Spider-Man”, there’s a “Howard The Duck”….

-I ended my sordid 5-year marriage to M&T Bank, due to “Irreconcileable Differences”. When the teller asked why I wanted to close the account, I simply told him, “You know…I just really don’t like you…I mean, the service is terrible, I’m tired of the charges, and you all had a monopoly where I went to college. But now….I just don’t want this anymore.” Best (and only) break-up speech I’ve ever given, thank you very much!

-For you comic kids out there, pick up The Pulse #4. One of the HEAVIEST and MOST POWERFUL talkers in recent years. Very little action, but really adds something to the whole Spider-Man franchise, especially if you’re a continuity buff like me! I LOVE Bendis!

-And for those of you who’re curious, my songs ARE up now, but the links aren’t working for some reason. I made the HTML tags myself, and I was quite proud, but they don’t seem to want to work. So, for now, just copy the URL’s and enjoy my bootlegged goodness. AND, if that doesn’t work, hope on over to http://www.freewebs.com/williambrucewestmusic/

Go easy on me, ’cause it IS a template, but it’s my first personal foray into site building. I made sure to make it the CHEESIEST, most CLICHE site around. It’s got a midi and a bubble effect. All I need now is a counter, guestbook, and a bunch of Hello Kitty shout-outs to all my girls in my ballet class.I’m not even sure it’ll stick around, but I really needed a place to store these mp3s. So, click and enjoy. Or hate. Either way, drop me a line and tell me what you think.

-Go see “Anchorman”!!! Funniest thing I’ve seen in ages. Funnier than Sealab, Family Guy, or Best Week Ever. Even if you hate those shows, GO SEE IT!!!

30th Jun2004

The Best Comic Book Movie Of All Time

by Will

So, saw Spider-Man 2 today. All I can say is WOW. I’ve always said that the first Spider-man was “The Best Comic Book Movie Of All Time”. I was wrong. Spidey 2 now holds that distinction!

I LOVED the opening sequence where the main plot points of the first movie are conveyed through Alex Ross’s artwork. I hate Alex Ross, ’cause I’ve heard nothing but accounts of him being an asshole, but the man does have a right to be. There’s no competition in his realm; he is THE painter in the world of comics. Photographs couldn’t have told the story better than his scenes, so I felt that was definitely an incredible aspect of the movie.

I can’t even get into what makes it great, but it’s the fact that we’ve all been or are Peter Parker. The everyman whose life just doesn’t go as he’d wish. We all make promises we intend to keep, but things just get in the way. The only difference is that we, as real people, don’t have as good an excuse for these faults as Peter does.

Anyway, great story. Really felt for Alfred Molina. He’s just a guy who had a passion for science, and in his pursuit of a dream, lost everything he held dear.

Still hate Kirsten Dunst. She’s the worst part of the franchise. And is it in her contract that she MUST be wet and bra-less @ least once a movie? Most guys wouldn’t complain, but I’m tired of this frumpy snaggle-tooth being forced in my face as a “sex object”. Hell, whoever plays Betty Brant is MUCH hotter that Kirsten Dunst.

Is it just me, or do we ALL know a “Harry Osborn”? Some privileged kid who wants nothing more than to fit in and be successful, but ends up pushing people away because of false bravado and theatrics? Cornell was full of them…

I also loved the cameos, like “Queer As Folk”/”I Love The ’80s” star Hal Sparks in the hilarious elevator scene. Or “Chappelle’s Show’s” Donell Rawlings (“Man, he stole that guy’s pizzas!”) Or Joy Bryant cheering Spidey along. And of course, the obligatory Stan Lee “I’m here ’cause I created this f-ing character” cameo. All of these were unnecessary, but as a pop culture guru, they added to my experience.

My only gripe is that Raimi seems to fixate on obnoxious themes each time around. The first movie had all the forced post-9/11 “Don’t F— with NYC” imagery. This movie has a “Godzilla -B Movie” feel to it whenever someone screamed. You had the “Look @ Camera.Freeze.Scream. Run Towards Camera Screaming” scenario. Especially in the hospital scene. The whole Terrified New Yorker role was HIGHLY exaggerated, but it didn’t take much away from the movie. Now, the countdown begins for Spidey 3 in May 2007.

I wonder why no one approached Raimi to breathe life into the Batman franchise. I swear, Spidey is really edging Bats off my hero list. If Chris Nolan disappoints me with “Batman Begins”, I’m scrapping my Bat Signal and using the parts to build web shooters (For you non-comic readers, Spidey actually has mechanical webshooters for his webs; unfortunately, Hollywood thought it’d be better if the webs came out of HIM for the movies, hence why you have no idea to what I’m referring.)

14th Jun2004

True Story: Swear To God – A Review

by Will

So, I’m slowly becoming what I fear most: a fanboy. I always wondered what would happen if I withdrew from society and found my sheer enjoyment in life in the pages of comics. I knew it would be a sad, hollow, existence, but I also knew that many people lived this life. Well, I think I’m joining that crowd.

No, it’s not that my life is THAT pathetic, but I do keep finding myself intrigued and inspired by things I’ve read in comic form lately. No, I’m not talking X-Men or Batman (Although I still love you, my Gotham Savior).

No, my comic of the moment is “True Story: Swear To God”, by Tom Beland. TS:STG is a cute, romantic tale of how Tom, a cartoonist from CA, met “The One” during a fluke trip to Walt Disney World. Unfortunately, Lily, the love of his life, was a journalist who lived in Puerto Rico, meaning their long-distance relationship would take place over 15,000 miles. Tom personally illustrated the entire story of their courtship, much of it on the plane ride home from their initial meeting, and it’s all presented here. You really get taken along for the rollercoaster ride, and you completely empathize with Tom.

It’s nerve-racking when you’re waiting for Lily to come to CA for Tom’s brother’s wedding. It’s endearing the way Tom reveals exactly what’s on his mind during their first magical night, fearing he may never see Lily again. It’s hilarious as Tom sticks out like a sore thumb in PR.

I realize it’s not a book for everyone, as I’m trying to get my mom into it, and she’s just not feeling it. I swear, though, this story made me cry. It’s not sad, nor happy, but it’s beautiful. It’s simply a beautiful tale.

I think it really affects me because I know it’s based on a true story. A true story with a happy ending. Yup, Tom and Lily are married & living in Puerto Rico now. Although I never saw the movie, I think I know how Jennine felt whenever she watched “Life Is Beautiful”; The whole thing about how love can persist even through the hardest circumstances. By no means does Tom go through anything as harrowing as the Holocaust, but that whole “love pervading despite obstacles” angle really seems to apply here. Anyway, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this to anyone. You don’t even have to like comics, but it’s a cute & heartwarming tale. And I certainly don’t feel like such a curmudgeon anymore since reading it…

10th Jun2004

Brad Meltzer, Identity Crisis, Bad Ideas, and Jim Mahfood

by Will

Yesterday, I met novelist Brad Meltzer. Wonderful guy! You’ll never meet a nicer guy in comics. Did I say comics? Well, yeah. While Meltzer is currently on the New York Times Bestseller List for his work, such as “The Millionaires” and “The Zero Game”, he’s also been dabbling in comics for the past few years. His latest masterpiece is called “Identity Crisis”.

“Identity Crisis” follows a murder mystery in the DC Universe (Superman, Batman, but no Spidey or Wolverine). While the ID of the vicitm isn’t the focal point, the mystery IS. This storyline promises to shake up the world of comics for years to come. Now, they ALWAYS say this, and it’s RARELY true, but I really believe that it’ll be a great story, consequences or no.

So, I read the issue last night and was DYING to call James and tell him about it, but since he has a “No Spoiler” clause in our contract, I knew he’d jump through the phone and strangle me like I was a Cornell Republican or something. Anyway, I KNOW he’s gonna hate who the victim is. PLUS, LEX LUTHOR’S FRIGGIN BATTLESUIT WAS IN THE BOX!!! THE PURPLE AND GREEN ‘SUPER POWERS’ SUIT!! HE’S ALIVE….Sorry James, guess you can just call me “Joe Sabia”…

Speaking of comics, if anyone has a nice little neighborhood comic shop, I implore you to try to find a copy of Bad Ideas #1. It’s written by Jim Mahfood and a bunch of other guys, and basically they’re making fun of all the dumb ideas people submit to them when they’re at conventions. “Why don’t you guys write an anime story? Why don’t you write about a comic fan who meets a really hot girl and they both get powers?” These questions and others are answered here, in hilarious fashion. Also, the art’s by Mahfood, who has an awesome underground graffiti style going on. To see more of his work, check out http://www.40ozcomics.com

27th May2004

Answering Austin’s Trivia Questions

by Will

Hey Austin,

Zeta was voiced by Gary Cole on “Batman Beyond” and Diedrich Bader on “The Zeta Project”, which means the movie they starred in together was none other than “Office Space”, which may be the best movie of all time.

As for Christian Bale, I’m not sure how I feel. I HATE the suit (previewed in EW 3 weeks ago), but I haven’t seen enough of his stuff to have an opinion. Hell, I kinda liked Clooney, so that shows how credible I am when it comes to “Batman” portrayals.

Anyway, keep that trivia coming! Anyone can jump in. Just e-mail me, or put a msg in my guestbook! I simply can’t be stumped! 😛

13th Jan2004

Bruce Wayne As A Disguise For Batman

by Will

It’s been argued that, rather than “Batman” being a mask that Bruce Wayne wears, “Bruce Wayne” is actually a mask that Batman wears. “Bruce Wayne” died the moment he had to deal with his parents’ deaths. At that moment, a darker, brooding being was born: Batman. Haunted by the death of his parents, it drove him to aspire to perfection in every way possible. Sure, in public he adopts the Bruce Wayne persona, whom people see as friendly, funny, and, somewhat aloof. It’s all just a facade, though. No one can even conceive what really goes on in his head. He tries to keep the innocent happy and safe, but he can never really be happy himself. He’s sworn to protect the lives of families, knowing that it’s doubtful he will ever have one of his own. Basically, he’s a depressed, driven man, who suffers from a lot of hurt and loneliness. Yes, he’s just a man. And now, more than ever before, I think I’m beginning to understand why I’m drawn to him as a character.