18th Jul2004

Will & JJ’s Ho Hunt

by Will

Wow, it’s been a long time since an adventure like THAT! So, last night was quite a night…

First off, my day started kinda shitty ’cause I was late to work for reasons that I couldn’t control, yet they still wrote me up for it. I started the whole “I’m too good for this shit, why am I here, I really gotta leave this place” stuff in my head. Then, out of nowhere, I started getting all these compliments.

We have this thing called a “Snap Board” where people give you “snaps” for doing something good. I saw that I had 3 new snaps for stuff I hadn’t even realized I’d done. I was like, “Wow, they really like me”..Still too good for that place, though.

So, we were all trying to hang out after work ’cause one of the guys had a friend in town, and he wanted to have a big group go out. We were going to Dave & Buster’s, but at the last minute, he decided to go to Apex. That’s the curse of being the only straight male in the H&M Corporation. I was NOT going to Apex ’cause I didn’t feel like dealing with all of that, so I opted out.

Now, from the producers of “Dude, Where’s My Car?” and “Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle”, comes “Will & JJ’s ‘Ho Hunt”. It’s not as misogynistic as it sounds, but it is a literal definition of what happened next. We got bored, and were just driving around, as we found ourselves downtown, around K & 12th Streets. Anyone from this region knows what that meant; politicians ain’t the only thing downtown. All of a sudden, prostitutes were coming out of the woodwork. The service roads were backed up with dudes pulling over trying to get a little lovin’.

We were stopped behind a minvan @ a traffic light, when suddenly, a ‘ho just pops out of the side door, adjusting her outfit. I swear, I BET a segment of the Bang Bus was happening right in front of us, and we never even knew it.

So, as we keep driving, trying to get back to MD, more and more hookers. Then, the cops came. They started taping off the service roads so the ‘hos would have nowhere to pick up Johns. Then, they started stopping the younger looking ones, lecturing them about the dangers. It was just like it happens on “COPS”.

The crowning moment of the night was when we saw a guy running out of the alley, smiling like it was his birthday, as he pulled up his pants. JJ’s golden statement? “Dude, he just got served!”

Finally got out of Gomorrah, and passed out at home around 6 AM. Man, that was fun….

05th Jul2004

I Told Y’all I Used To Be Somebody!

by Will

Here’s an interesting exchange from my day @ work:

Cute girl comes up to register.

Cute Girl: “Hey, did you just graduate from Cornell?”

Me: (Bewildered) “Yeah…about a year ago…”

CG: “And you sang with Last Call?”

Me: “…Yeah…”

CG: “I thought so! I’m a friend of John Cape. I turned around, and I was like, ‘Wow, a celebrity sighting!'”

Me: “Wow…well, unfortunately this is more like the ‘Behind the Music’ phase of my life…”

28th Jun2004

Goldenboy!

by Will

So, I got a promotion the other day. Nothing too special. I’m now a “Salesfloor Responsible”. Basically, that means I can make returns. Nope, I couldn’t do that before. Soon, they might let me operate the deep fryer…Wait a minute, we don’t have a deep fryer. Still feels like we do.

Anyway, I’ve come to realize that anyone interested in viewing my life should watch the anime series ‘Goldenboy”. To sum it up, it’s about Kintaro Oe, this ditz who always works McJobs, and ends up getting in weird, humorous yet unprofessional situations with women. Even though he seems like a klutz, he always ends up saving the day, and having the women fall for him. At that point, he leaves town, and does the same thing over again in a new place. The catch is that Kintaro is NOT a ditz. In fact, it turns out he was a law student, who was just one credit shy of graduating. Instead, he kinda had a breakdown, and decided to go out and see the world, to find himself.

20th May2004

H&M Grand Opening

by Will

So, anybody out there unemployed or thinking of using a flex day? Not sure what to do on a sunny (hopefully) May friday afternoon? Then come on over to White Flint Mall @ 12:00 PM for the ribbon-cutting grand opening of the newest H&M. Yup, I’ll be there (I guess I shouldn’t have said that…you know, stalkers and all), and so will tons of teeny-boppers and soccer moms. If you like High Fashion at Low Prices (Man, that’s funny every time i’m forced to say it), then come on over. We’re gonna have the press (prolly the cable access news that no one watches) and we’re gonna have free goodybags and giveaways! Still not convinced? Oh well, I tried….

18th May2004

At Least It Didn’t Include The Hampster Dance

by Will

So, we have support staff from all around the region in our store to help get it ready for opening. Today, one of the girls decides to play her CD while we’re working. It’s her “Songs To Have Sex To” CD. But here’s the odd part: these were definitely not “sex songs”. The disc included “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch (I Can’t Help Myself)”, by The Four Tops; “Don’t Stay Home”, by 311; “PYT”, by Michael Jackson; and “Everlong”, by The Foo Fighters! It just goes to show ya the lengths some people have to go to just to get off…

15th May2004

I’m Sure, In Some Places, It Would’ve Been Considered A Delicacy…

by Will

The other day, Natasha and I had an adventure. We went to Neisha Thai Cuisine behind Tysons, and the waiter was a complete a-hole to us. We’d been there just a few days before, and the same guy had been the same a-hole.

We had no silverware, no plates, and when they brought the food, the portions were smaller than they usually were. She’d been to the place without me, and the service had been fine, so I started getting all paranoid thinking, “What if they’re doing this because of me? They don’t like the fact that I’m Black…”

Anyway, before we were done, she bites into a spring roll, and a tiny bug crawls out. Since most of the food was gone, it’s not like we could send anything back. To make this doubly bad was the fact that this was her second discovery. The first time we went, she found a hair, but wasn’t sure if it was hers, or if it had been in the food the whole time, which is why we decided to try the place again.

So, we call the waiter about this bug, and he’s still A-hole of the Year. He tries to say that bug couldn’t have been cooked in the food because the hot temperature would’ve killed it. OK, Mr. Wizard, nice explanation, but it still doesn’t explain why the bug was there! The kicker was that the bug was not an airborne bug! It could not fly, despite his protests that the bug probably flew into the food.

We call the manager, but she didn’t really care either. Natasha kind of went off on them, saying that she’d never eat there again, and I was proud of her moxie. The manager said she’s “take care of it”, but all she did was take off the spring rolls and take 20% off the bill.

So, here’s where I entered the running for A-hole of the Year. When the receipt came back, there’s always the infamous “tip” line. I told Natasha what I wanted to write, but she didn’t believe I’d do it. We already knew we were never going back, so we scratched out any distinguishing features on the receipt, such as credit card numbers and expiration date. Then, I wrote on the tip line: “The bug was your tip”. We grabbed the mints and ran out laughing.

Sure, it wasn’t the most evil thing in the world, but it sure felt good. I guess you had to be there…

04th May2004

The Trials Of Retail

by Will

Episode Title: “It’s Good Stuff…Even On The Red Line” Episode #: 05102203

Special Guest Star: Ed Cabic

Today was an interesting day. Was late again for what is turning into a week-long streak. Just don’t care anymore. “Law of Diminishing Returns” and all that jazz. No, I’m not that irresponsible. I DO care, but I don’t really feel that it matters. I seem to have different goals for my store than those who are responsible for steering it in the right direction. I constantly observe bad business practices, compounded with a lack of consistency in regards to regulations. Anyway, I had a good reason for being late. I had to find my earring. Yeah, I know it sounds lame, but I’ve got a great story about how I lost it, but I’ll post it another time. Anyway, this was a REAL diamond, and I wasn’t about to take it lying down. Cubic Zirconia, and I’d have been to work on time. Diamonds…not as punctual.

So, I found my earring, but got to work about an hr late because all the buses in N. VA suck, and NEVER run on-schedule. I get to work, and the manager is all upset ’cause I didn’t listen to some order one of my fellow trainees gave me. I told the manager, “Look, you’re a manager and I expect to hear these things from YOU, and frankly I don’t trust the person who gave me that order.” She proceeds to tell me that I have to track down a manager and demand an answer in those situations! Me, the employee, DEMAND something from a manager? Welcome to the Land of Oz. There’s so much diffusion of responsibility in that place, and I’m tired of it.

This job’ll never see a resume, as far as I care. I don’t say this that often, but “I went to Cornell, damn it!” I’m slumming, and we all know it. EVERYONE there is slumming. We all deserve better! Everyday day is a “what the Hell am I doing?” moment. I think we must be going through what slaves felt when they were emancipated. Everyone thinks it was “Howdy-doo, we’s got freedom!”, but it wasn’t like that at all. Many slaves were lost and didn’t really know what to do with their lives. Many stayed with their former masters because they didn’t know anything better. I think we all feel like those slaves. We know it’s bad, but we’re not quite sure of our other options at the moment. So, we put on a smile, and do our time, just waiting for news from the North of better things to come…

I’m just trying to learn about life and people. When I stop learning, I’ll move on. After all, that’s what Esther taught me. I’ve heard so many horror stories of customers calling my coworkers “niggers’ and stuff like that. Just LET them try that on me! I’d LOVE…no, I’d WELCOME the opportunity to face that kind of mess. Anything I do, from a moral perspective, will be justified. I was just standing up for myself. Plain and simple. I’m not talking about anything physical, but I can be pretty witty and cold when pushed to the limit, and I have quite the library of bitterness saved up.

Another common beast is the loud millionairess. Apparently, a lot of women come in, thinking they own the place just because they’re so rich. Let me set the record straight for you ladies: 1) you’re not rich. Either your husband or father is rich. You haven’t worked for anything. You know how I know? It’s because you’re here wasting my time, instead of being at a real job. 2) if you DO have millions of dollars, don’t brag about spending it on the shit at H&M. Hell, that makes me pity you more than anything. If I had your money, I’d be out buying Louis Vuitton, and I mean the real stuff, not the fakes I’ve caught you buying from the Haitian on the street in Georgetown. If you Do have money, I just see you as a cheap bastard, especially considering most of these clothes have the consistency of 2-ply toilet paper. But I digress….

I paid my dues, and put in my 8 hrs. When I was done, I was all set to unwind on the LONG ride home. Right before I get to Metro Center, who should I see? Mr. WVBR himself: Ed Cabic. “It’s good stuff…and good for you!”. He recognized me, and I asked where he was headed. I really had to make my connection, so I told him I’d spoken to Lip and knew that they’d all been hanging out, so I’d see him soon. I hope I didn’t come off as a dick. I’m always worried about that….

04th May2004

The Return of Lippart!

by Will

Today’s Episode: “The Citadel of Herndon” (A 2-Part Adventure) Episode #: 05102201

Special Guest Stars: Tam, Darien

Returning Cast Member: Eric Lippart

So, it started out as any other Friday. I was kinda excited ’cause when I got to work, I noticed I was stationed in the fitting room, and that’s my favorite station. No, I’m not a pervert, but I always have funnier stories to tell about the fitting room. The next thing I know, there’s Tam. For all of the uninformed, Tam’s my pseudo-cousin. Very long story. Regardless, H&M, on Mean MILF Island, was the last place I expected to see her. Anyway, she was just shopping for stuff for her trip to Miami. Apparently, she’s been working hard lately, and decided she deserved a vacation. *&^%ing successful people with their *&^%^ing successful plans! We chatted and we’re supposed to hang out sometime this summer ’cause she’s on all kinds of guest lists for clubs and parties. It’s weird how we’ve gotten closer in recent years, when we used to be kind of warring. She had the pseudo-street cred, while I was a laughing stock Alphonso Ribeiro.

After she left, he walked in the door. I didn’t notice him at first. In fact, I wondered, “Who’s the sketchy guy leaning by the pillar?” I had to run out to do a price check, and that’s when I noticed. LIPPART. Yeah, we’d talked recently, but I hadn’t actually seen him since October. He was certainly a sight for sore eyes. The first chance I got, I finagled my 15-min break, even though we were 15 minutes from closing. We chatted and tried to make plans for when I was done with work.

When I got back in the store, Bridget, one of the girls who works there, asks, “Who’s your friend?” In a tone I didn’t really like. “What the hell kind of question is that?” I fire back. “He’s my boyfriend! Is THAT what you want me to say?” Yeah, I know it was a bit harsh, but I didn’t like her tome, and you’ve got to meet her to understand this girl. She’s young. She’s 18, but she’s still “young”. Kinda immature. I just wasn’t in the mood. Turns out, though, she thought Lip was cute. Wanted the 411 on him. (Do people still say “411”?). The more I told her (He’s got a good job, Master’s degree, etc), the more she was into him. I decided to have a little fun, so I just kept pouring it on. She doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell, but it at least made the time pass quicker.

Once done, I met Lip and his friend Darien at Silver Diner, where we discussed South Park and our mail-order bride of a waitress. Once that was done, we weren’t really sure what we were going to do next. We dropped off Darien, and then it was off to Eric’s.

This is when it got weird. Since I hadn’t seen him in awhile, I really didn’t know what to expect. I had a feeling that must be akin to how a girl must feel when she’s on the way to some guy’s house she just met in a bar. The whole, “Am I gonna sleep with him? Well, I’m headed to his house, so I must plan to sleep with him debate”. No, I wasn’t thinking of it along those lines, but I was curious, “Am I going home tonight, or am I sleeping in Lip’s guest room tonight?” I didn’t care either way, but I just wanted to be sure before I missed the last train back to MD.

So, we’re headed to his place, and I see what I can only describe as a citadel. I’m about to ask him what it is, when I notice we’re headed for it. In fact, we pull up right to it. Turns out, he lives in said citadel! I forgot the name of the development, but it is one of the sweetest places I have ever seen! And it only gets better inside. I am SO impressed with his decorating skills. I may have introduced him to H&M, but someone else introduced him to Pottery Barn and the Bombay Company! I couldn’t have decorated any better. in fact, it just motivated me to want my own place to try my hand.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. So, he’s giving me the grand tour, and I can’t believe my eyes. The flat screen TV, the faux fireplace, the courtyard view! Why is this man single, I ask? I told him he needed to post pics of the place online, and any woman’d want him. His place looks as if it has a woman’s touch, but he did it all himself. Definitely a place any woman would feel comfortable in.

Then, I find out there’s a super market, McDonalds, Subway, Gold’s Gym, Chuck E. Cheese’s, Irish Pub, and many other specialty shop SUPER MINI-MALL right across the street. Every convenience was thought of. Everything right at your fingertips. We go to the pub, Ned Devine’s, and have a few drinks. It was at that point, I realized I wasn’t seeing MD that night.

We went back and watched Kill Bill, which looked almost as amazing as it did in the theatre, thanks to Lip’s amazing entertainment center. I passed out and had the best sleep I’d had in days.

Saturday, we watched X2 and had Chinese, while Lip looked for job postings at his company. He’s trying to help me out by looking for anything in HR. We mainly spent the day watching Queer Eye and Batman, til that night, when we went back to Ned Devine’s. At around 2 AM, he drove me back to MD.

All in all, it was a great weekend, and I’m sure I left out some stuff, but that’s the main gist of it all. I’m just glad to have him back in the cast.

26th Apr2004

Shopping Spree & Newport Cameos

by Will

Today’s Episode: “Will That Be Credit or Debit?” Episode #04102226

Special Guest Stars: Kea Dupree, Alex Cowan

Cameo Appearance: Beth Don

So, today, I was a bad boy. Mommy’s in NC with Mr. Earle for a funeral, so I’m Kevin McCallister for the moment. I didn’t really want to be home, even though I have some MAJOR cleaning to do. I’ve been sleeping in the guest room since December ’cause my room is so junky!

Anyway, I didn’t want to stay in, so I decided to go out…in the rain…shopping. I know I probably shouldn’t have, but I really wanted to buy stuff. It’d make me feel better. Plus, I worked over 85 hrs during the past week and a half, so it’s not like I couldn’t afford it right now. I’ll just be regretting it later.

So, ever since being introduced to Death Cab for Cutie, I’ve really been hooked. Since they’re a fairly new group, the collector in me took over, and I’ve been trying to track down every album. Anyway, I’ve been a real music mood, so you can see where this is headed….

I’m just gonna list where I went and what I bought. That’ll give the best picture of my adventures.

CD/DVD Exchange:

Elton John – Live in Australia

Elton John – Two Rooms

Starship – Knee Deep In The Hoopla

Baywatch – Hawaiian Wedding DVD

Tower Records & Videos:

Elton John – Greatest Hits 1970-2002

Elton John – Remixed

Death Cab for Cutie – You Can Play These Songs With Chords

Death Cab for Cutie – We Have The Facts and We’re Voting Yes

Westlife – Turnaround

Rufus Wainwright – Want One

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Season 1 DVD

Gamestop:

Star Trek – Federation Gift Pak

Borders Books & Music:

Something Corporate – North

Blender, May 2004

EB:

The Punisher DVD

So yeah, spent a LOT of money. Kinda having the Buyer’s Remorse….

I completed the Death Cab collection, but I’m also on this Elton kick. He is AWESOME! I completely blame Courtney for this ’cause she had his greatest hits playing ALL DAY yesterday! After awhile, that stuff is just gonna seep in.

So, I think I saw Ethan’s mom when I was at Gamestop, but since I didn’t really confirm whether or not it was her, we’ll just give her a “cameo” credit.

While at White Flint, I ran into Ms. Kea, AKA The “Dolly” to my “Cornelius” (Newport kids’ll get that reference). She’s just as cute as ever. It was great seeing her, but I felt so inadequate seeing as how she’s practically working 4 jobs right now! She’s really on the ball. It’s actually kind of motivating. It was good to catch up with her and find out the whereabouts of some other Newportians.

On the way home, I’m minding my own business, reading my Blender, on the Metro. Suddenly, this tall White guy in a cowboy hat and leather jacket stumbles into the car. I look at him, wondering, “Who the hell is this guy?” I look closer and realize it’s Alex! I haven’t seen him in years, but he’s the same Alex I remember and love. He scanned the car, and he looked at me, but didn’t recognize me. I decided to wait and see if he’d notice me. He sat down a few rows up, and just waited for his stop. He took off his hat, and there was a chunk of hair missing on the side. Don’t folks! This wasn’t the result of an accident. This was a statement. He always did have a way with fashion. So, he gets up for his stop, and I call out his name. He kinda hears it, notices me, and is shocked. He stumbles over to me and we talk, but he has to get off. I told him we’d hang out soon since I’d been hanging with his sister recently.

I swear, everyday, there’s another person I never thought I’d run into. It’s almost like I’m being set up. But it was still awesome to see them both. And great spending ALL THAT MONEY 🙂

23rd Apr2004

Who Needs Slope Day?

by Will

Man, Slope Day’s coming up, isn’t it? Doesn’t really mean anything down here in MD. Well, who needs the slope? I’m sure I can get plenty soused with the H&M crew without having to deal with freshmen and some crappy jam-band. Wait a minute…..I now live around like 10 colleges. Oh God, I’m gonna be THAT guy…..

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