30th Jul2013

Pillow Talk

by Will

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He leaned in and whispered to her, “Leave off the last ‘S’ for savings.” She looked at him quizzically. “The last ‘s'”, he said. “It’s for savings. It’s like a pun. Well, not really a pun, but more like a joke.” She nodded in understanding and took a sip of her Mimosa, her mind filled with thoughts of her impending mattress purchase.

27th Jun2013

Ladies & Gentlemen…

by Will

…Mr. Conway Twitty

Come back tomorrow for:

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26th Jun2013

Thrift Justice – The Expendables XI: Never Stop Spending!!!

by Will

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When I saw all of these guys in one bag at the thrift store yesterday, I HAD to buy them. Then the story hit me – this wasn’t just coincidence. No, these were the makings of the 11th installment of The Expendables, subtitled “Never Stop Spending!!!” Here’s how it goes:

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Main man Barney Ross is back, and he needs a team to help him overthrow a South American dictator. This job requires a special kind of finesse, though, so he can’t depend on the rough and tumble guys from the last 10 gigs. No, he’s got to be more delicate this go ’round.

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First up, Ross knows he’ll need muscle, but cooler heads prevail in the thick of the action. That’s why he calls up Booker from the 2nd job. He’s got brute force, yet he’s deadlier because he knows where, when, and how to use it.

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Next up, Ross needs a pilot. This time he goes with an unknown, who only answers to the name “Baloo”. He supposedly does cargo runs through a little burg called Cape Suzette, but none of that matters to Ross. All he knows is he needs a flyboy – one who’ll keep his mouth shut.

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Ross knows he can’t just take on a sovereign nation without a little international backup. That’s where grizzled, ex-cop “D.T.” comes in. Apparently, he has ties to Interpol, and knows just about everyone you need to know in this kind of business. He’s also got a mean swing with that billy club!

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Every team needs a master thief, and that’s where Hood comes in. He’s also pulling double duty on this one, serving as the marksman.

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What Ross doesn’t realize is that this job actually has TWO master thieves on the team. The mysterious man known only as “LeBeau” is on the team as the demolitions expert. Do I smell third act plot twist?

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Finally, there’s “The Kid”. Don’t let his looks fool you – rumor has it he fucked with some robotic dinosaurs or some shit back in the day. Anyway, The Kid’s parents were missionaries in the South American country when his dad was murdered by the dictator’s forces. His mom’s now a waitress in one of the local titty bars. Ross counts on The Kid for intel, as well as to get the lay of the land.

Here they are: Your new EXPENDABLES!!!!

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It adds to the effect if you make explosion sounds with your mouth while looking at it

24th Jun2013

Where’s Mama Cass?

by Will

This post was motivated by two things: 1) I spent all weekend listening to 60s on 6 on Sirius XM and 2) I recently read a good article about how pregnancies are hidden on sitcoms. Anyway, I’m on a bit of a The Mamas and the Papas kick today, and decided to look up some of their albums. That’s when I noticed it: they use TV pregnancy tactics to hide Mama Cass Elliot’s weight. It’s a known fact that the band feared her physical appearance would hinder their success, but I never knew they had been so blatant in hiding her size. So, let’s a take a trip through time and play “Where’s Mama Cass?”

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I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! Sure, Cass had a weight problem, but the rest of the group members weren’t without their problems: Michelle with her affairs, John with his OCD, Denny with his drinking, etc. Still you can tell by the body language that Cass wasn’t another “member of the family”, even in the pics where they aren’t hiding her in shadow or behind a shrub. That must’ve been some good money for her to put up with that kind of behavior. Anyway, I leave you with the sleepiest version of “Twist & Shout” you’ve ever heard, to help you along with your midday nap.

14th Jun2013

West Week Ever – 6/14/13

by Will

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I blogged EVERY DAY this week, including an unplanned “Three Days of Justice”. I know daily posts aren’t a big deal for many sites, but they have a much larger readership than I do. Most of my readers won’t get through those for a month (including my wife, who has to be begged to read it). So, this is mostly a video post. Sit back, turn down your speakers, and enjoy the show!

I know this won’t appeal to most, but I was really fascinated by Dylan Sprouse’s account of why the Zack & Cody/The Suite Life franchise ended, as well as the aborted spinoff idea. Embedding’s disabled, so you can watch it here.


So, those Sunny credits noises actually mean something? They really love the color brown, I guess…


I finally got around to watching that McBain movie, which is pretty incredible. This has been around a good month, but just in case you didn’t know, the McBain scenes from The Simpsons actually form a complete movie, as seen above. I love continuity like that!


A hot song, with an even hotter video. This is what Ke$ha should be, were she not just taking whatever scraps Dr. Luke throws her way.


I can’t tell if I hate this or love it. It’s filled with every cliche in the book. At the same time, it’s a catchy pop tune under all the faux-metal stylings. I do, however, just wanna yell “Bitch, enough with the wind machine! Stand the fuck up!”

 

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Though the writing has gotten somewhat pedestrian lately, every now and then Grantland posts something that makes me say, “My God, I want to write for this site!” This is one of those posts. Rembert Browne ranks the Top 25 sitcom fonts of the 90s. He’s not wrong on any count, and the list is perfect.


I love this for obvious reasons that need no explanation at this point.


DO IT, ROCKAPELLA! And when you’re done, let’s meet back here and talk about dude’s hair…

That’s enough videos for this week. Oh, since it’s payday, be sure to buy something from Will’s World of Wonder!

This Week’s Posts

Thrift Justice – INS and Monsters!

Thrift Justice – Rocky and the Riders

Thrift Justice – Disney’s Addams Galactica

Adventures West Coast: DMZ

One is the last son of Krypton, the other is faster than a speeding bullet. One has been mistaken for birds and planes, while the other is the “Man of Steel”. Only one, however, could have the West Week Ever…right?

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What? You thought it was gonna be Microsoft? Go see Man of Steel, in theaters now!

27th Mar2013

Judging Bottles By Their Labels

by Will

I’m not much of a drinker. I’m not sure if this comes as a surprise to anyone, but I’m just not much of an alcohol dude. I tend to hate the taste, I’m a lightweight, and I’ve had some pretty bad experiences. Still, there are times in life that call for alcohol, like a wedding. When we were looking for beer and wine for the wedding, I actually had to taste the stuff, which wasn’t as fun to me as it might be for you. No, my favorite part of the whole experience was discovering new brands via cool labels. Since I’m a big fan of judging books by their covers (why else do they have them?), I thought I’d share some of the spirits labels that I thought were pretty cool.

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 In a former life, this was the last thing I saw before ODing at one of Andy Warhol’s parties.

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Simple and to the point.

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Put it on a wine bottle and it’s “cute and quirky”. Michael Vick does it, and still can’t live that shit down !

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This was the name of my Color Me Badd tribute band

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Based on the name, combined with the thickiosity of that chick, this was marketed to the brothas. She so fine, you wouldn’t even hide it in a paper bag. You’d just drink it right there on the corner, not caring.

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I love how majestic and wise he looks – like something you’d see on a Vision Quest.

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Somewhere out there, I hope there’s a porn star nicknamed “The Albino Python”.

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I wonder if Atlantis has laws against drinking & swimming…

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I knew a guy who did the “Chocolate Sombrero” on a chick. That poor girl never walked again.

2012-09-09 15.49.30Is this cow farting lightning?! And they managed to harness it in CANS?! SCIENCE!

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Why do we still doubt the Yeti’s existence? You can’t incorporate if you don’t exist. Duh!

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This what it looks like when your roommate gets super powers. Don’t fake – everyone‘s roommate looks like that dude.

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If it turns out Heaven is segregated, this is what Black Heaven probably looks like. I know one person who’ll love this. #appreciation

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Of course Moses was drunk. “Hey, watch this. I SAID WATCH THIS! I’m gonna command the sea. Watch! WATCH! YOU’RE NOT WATCHING!”

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What an unappetizing name for a beverage! It reminds me of this Lisa Landry bit:

Welp, there ya go. Oh, and you know what’s funny? I didn’t actually try any of them! Actually, no – I tried the one with the fox on it. It was NOT wise! So, for now I’ll just chill with my Redd’s Apple Ale, and wonder what might’ve been.

21st Mar2013

My (Alternate) Reality

by Will

I’m not always a happy person. Sure, I crack jokes and everything on Twitter, but I guess you could say I’m “faking it until I make it”. Let’s just say it really hits home when a nurse asks you, “Can you remember when you were last happy?” and your answer is “I was probably 12.” Man, this is a downer intro to a post! Anyway, at times, I’ve clung to the idea of alternate realities. Hell, anything’s possible and it’s not like you can disprove the possibility (Ha! Take THAT, condescending Web Atheists!). Maybe there’s a Will out there who’s bouncing off the walls, and people describe him in terms like “effervescent”. If there are other realities out there, just think of the craziness that could be going on. Or let me do the thinking for you!

As our music industry celebrated the release of Justin Timberlake’s single, “Suit & Tie”, this week, in other reality former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter just released “Blazer & Bolo”.

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And apparently he’s a motorboating enthusiast!

Meanwhile, things are getting dicey on the late night talk show scene. After 20 years on the air, UPN has announced that Nick Cannon will be replacing Arsenio Hall as the host of What Up, Moon? Industry experts aren’t sure how to react, as it was only two years ago that Hall reclaimed his show from Damon Wayans, Jr. After touring the country with Skee Lo and Bobcat Goldthwait, Wayans finally landed at NBC, but there are still hard feelings.

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Some third world country is about to get a shitload of Woof shirts airdropped into it

Speaking of Skee Lo, he and his wife, megastar Kelly Rowlands, are expecting their 3rd child. Fans were hoping Kelly would take time off to reunite with Destiny’s Child, but the group has been on hiatus since member Beyonce Knowles was arrested on drug charges back in 2003. She later appeared on the 5th season of Celebrity Rehab, where she proceeded to insult both Rowlands and the DC fans. Needless to say, Kelly won’t be saying Beyonce’s name anytime soon!

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Skee Lo’s “I Wish” is the highest selling record to date

Talks are heating up that Michael Jackson will be taking the judge’s chair vacated by Bobby Brown on The Voice. As everyone knows by now, Brown was recently named the Exec VP of Artist Development for Arista Records, and Jackson is coming off the recent cancellation of his children’s show, Jacko’s World.

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In the book world, bestselling author James Frey is four books into his Little Pieces Saga. He’s been doing the talk show circuit promoting the next installment, A Million Pieces More. Tonight, he’s going to be on Bob Barker’s CNN show and Soledad O’Brien’s show on Playboy Radio. Tomorrow morning, he’ll wake up bright and early to be a guest on Let’s Get It Started With Fergie.

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Even in an alternate reality, douchebags still look like this

In the world of professional sports, NFL commissioner Vincent McMahon has announced that Brock Lesnar’s contract has been renegotiated with the Washington Coloreds. McMahon refused to acknowledge questions concerning the team’s racist moniker. The last time he addressed it was during an interview with Tabitha Soren, where he remarked, “What? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to call them?”

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“The NFL is committed to diversity – unless you’re a minority, bald, and/or have a goatee. Then, you’re clearly a villain.”

In the world of politics, President Clinton just announced, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…in her butt. Lord knows I tried.” This is the 12th sex scandal for the long-seated president. It was just last year that he uttered the similar words, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…in her mouth.” Needless to say, there’s no end in sight for the War on Orifices. Pundits are saying that there should have been some sort of provision for removing Clinton from office, but it seems that no one knows the current whereabouts of the Constitution. At present, most US laws are tweeted from China, while forged copies of the fabled document occasionally show up in pawn shops, according to the Pawn Stars Channel.

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“My fellow Americans, tell me you don’t just wanna bite dat ass.

Continental War V rages on, as Germany just fell to invading forces from Poland. The US has been hesitant to enter the fray, however Germany is our leading source for electronics, so something will need to be decided before the Tivo production season kicks into high gear. This has caused China’s statehood talks to stall. If you’ll remember, the US traded the Puerto Rico Territory to Emperor Hirohito in 1952, thus acquiring the China Territory and gaining a US presence in the East.

Meanwhile, plans are underway to commemorate the anniversary of the tragic events of May 4th, 1999. It has been 14 years since the state of Hawaii was vaporized by a militant sect of Jedi disciples, in what is now referred to as Operation: Phantom Menace. This led to the widespread persecution of Jedi, with many leaving the fold due to risk of being charged for treason. The “religion” is currently prohibited on American soil.

Photo courtesy of bystander, who decided an Instagram filter should be applied

Photo courtesy of bystander, who decided an Instagram filter should be applied

In the business world, DisMart announced that they’re planning to open a kiosk on the International Space Station. A mere 10 years ago, this would’ve been something out of science fiction. However, after Sir Richard Branson mysteriously disappeared, DisMart submitted a bid for the Virgin Corporation. Pretty soon, Mickey Mouse and Wally the Wallflower will be heading to space!

Well, I think you’ve learned enough about this alternate reality. Perhaps you should count your blessings. I mean, I’ve heard great things about The Diagram 2, but do you really want 14 Skee Lo albums on your mPod? What? Oh, that’s what they’re called here. Ya know, ’cause Microsoft makes them. I’m always drifting off to this world, though, as I have quite the imagination. So, just let me know if you ever want an update on how things are going over there.

25th Feb2013

Because Nobody Asked: Will On Comedy

by Will

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I like funny stuff. Not just “haha” funny, but “clever” funny. As such, I find myself sometimes studying the “science” of comedy. I think it started in college, as I hung out with the sketch group for a bit. I even tried out for improv (this was the height of the Whose Line Is It craze), but that didn’t work out so well. Anyway, I’ve recently been studying up on a lot of the hot folks on the comedy scene. What I’m finding is that my tastes run against the tide of the general public. I’m actually an apologist for some derided comics, while I’m over some of those folks that are adored. In light of last night’s debacle concerning The Onion (not a funny joke, but not as offensive as folks would like to think), I’ve been thinking about my feelings on certain things in the comedic sphere. This is kind of a bulletpoint, stream of conscious post about all of that.

Bossypants – Tina Fey’s book was the epitome of disappointing. If you want an enjoyable book by a “funny gal”, read Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). Bossypants is written for the person who discovered Tina Fey during the whole Sarah Palin thing and thought, “Huh. She’s kinda funny, you betcha!” It sold well because Tina Fey. Still, it’s probably as enjoyable as any of the movies she starred in. Yup, Date Night was boring, Admission looks trite, and Baby Mama was an embarrassment for both her AND Amy.

Dane Cook – Ya know, I get that he’s a “bro”. I get it. I know why some find him repulsive. BUT if you go back to Harmful If Swallowed, he’s actually pretty good. I think his fame kinda took over and he began to be associated with his audience. His crowd sucks. They just do. They’re frat boys and sorority girls, all drunk, not even getting his jokes. I think he started to pander to them, which was to his detriment. Still, to go back to the beginning, you can see how he made a name for himself.

Patrice O’Neal – Patrice was great. I’m late to that party, but he just told it like it was. He’s really just telling you the truth, even if it’s shit you don’t want to hear. He’s basically that friend of yours that your wife hates: mainly because he’s a bad influence, but also because she knows she’s not off limits. Comedy lost a great there.

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Sam Kinison – All that motherfucker did was scream. His background is more interesting than his comedy  Son of a Pentacostal preacher, with a weakness for booze and pussy. I’d read dime store novels about him, but I wouldn’t watch him scream at me from onstage for an hour. There are times when he makes Andrew Dice Clay look like Jon Stewart. I loved that episode of Married…with Children, though.

Kat Williams – it’s a shame he’s batshit crazy, because he can be hilarious. Maybe he’s hilarious because of the batshit. One word: “evuhreethang”. If you get that reference, you know what I’m talking about. He could say a lot with just inflection.

Chris Rock – This is going to be blasphemy to some, but Chris Rock has not held up well. AT ALL. At this point, Bigger & Blacker has the cultural relevance of a No Limit album. Sure, some of it is still being repeated today, but just to hear a whole bit on the reelection of Marion Barry, almost 20 years ago, combined with the fact that Barry’s STILL invincible in DC politics, it just doesn’t work as well.

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Jim Gaffigan – See pic above. There, that’s his whole act.

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Legit – This is an FX show starring Australian comedian Jim Jeffries. I’d never seen his act, but heard good things. Then, I saw the premiere and it made me want to slit my wrists. Sticking with the show, however, it’s got a lot of heart. In fact, it’s probably more going for it than Louie, but I don’t wish to rile the masses.

Seinfeld – I’m only just now comfortable watching the reruns again. I swear, that finale was some bullshit. I recently read Jason Alexander’s account of it, saying that he thinks he’s the only one who loved it. I’m glad someone did. Anyway, Seinfeld was a great show, and despite what some folks online think, I feel like Modern Seinfeld PERFECTLY captures what the show would be today. You can even hear the voices. Still, I’m torn on Seinfeld’s actual standup. It’s impressive he works clean, but the observational stuff is so common now that it’s almost like you needed to experience him when he was new to the stage. I’ll say this: to me, he’ll always be That Rich Old Dude Who Was Allowed To Date A 17 Year Old. Seriously, that’s when you know you’ve got money: banging minors and people ain’t saying shit. I’m glad that Shoshanna went on to a fashion career or whatever the Hell she’s doing now. Now, he’s just The Guy Who Stole His Current Wife From Her Husband While They Were On Their Honeymoon. Isn’t it funny how nothing negative about him ever really sticks?

Depression – In my quest to be accepted by The Cult of the Funny People, I’ve come to realize a common thread: depression. Now, everyone deals with this differently: meds, drinking, sticking it out, etc, but now I find myself asking “Are they funny OR are they depressed?” It’s almost like I expect depressed people to be funny. It’s like fat girls with big boobs; all that fat ought to be going somewhere constructive. Nobody wants to be the tiny titted fat girl. So, what does this mean? Do I feel like depressed people are just sublimating the depression into comedy? And if so, what would happen if they were avoiding meds but got then started taking them? What if comedy IS their medication? Lots of thoughts on all that.

Richard Pryor – Where Rock is a bit rough around the edges now, it’s amazing how timeless Pryor is. Maybe it’s because he was ahead of his time. Everything he said still works. It’s still just as funny as it was then. And to hear his account of the crackpipe incident is incredible. He turned something painful and embarrassing into such an engaging bit.

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Hannibal Burress/Wyatt Cenac – not only are these 2 dudes that I really admire, but they’re also the guys who made me think “I could do that”. Especially Cenac. It’s not that they made it easy OR that I thought I was somehow on their level. It’s just that I never really related to a delivery style until I found them. Cenac was the only thing I liked about The Daily Show, and even then it was hard to watch because I was sitting there, saying shit like “He stole my act!”

Ron White – the only member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour worthy of his fame, which makes it funny to me that they kicked him out. His approach appeals to most audiences, without the needless hook of a “Git-R-Done” or a “…you might be a redneck”. I almost feel like he’s “Kinison Done Right”‘.

Larry the Cable Guy – this one’s tricky for me. I get the problems with him. I get that he’s essentially a country minstrel act. That said, he’s so good at what he does. Most people wouldn’t even like to admit they’ve given him a shot, but for a certain set of sensibilities, he’s the real deal. I think satellite radio makes this dichotomy clear: There’s Blue Collar Radio and then there’s Raw Dog Comedy. What I’ve noticed is that “blue collar” essentially means “no Jews and no New York”. It’s a southern, working audience, and he’s their Louis CK. He’s basically the stand up version of Hee Haw, but there’s an audience for that. New York comics will talk about the news, or the girl who just dumped them. Larry will do a switcheroo that doesn’t require his audience to really think or feel too much. “I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired.” That joke’s smarter than you’d like to admit.

Anyway, that’s some of the stuff that’s been on my mind. I might revisit this later. For those who were looking forward to some thrift store junk, I’m sure I’ll have something for you by the end of the week.

Before I go, here’s a list of Hollywood children who were actual cunts:

1) Dee from What’s Happening

2) Lucy from Peanuts

3) Margot from Punky Brewster

4) Jan Brady

5) Any character portrayed by Stacy Keanan

NO APOLOGIES!

04th Feb2013

Black History Month is Back-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

by Will

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Yeah, I’m being lazy. I should’ve spent the last year coming up with 28 more of these to further bolster my “legacy” or what have you. Then again, we got the same black president again, so why not the same Black History Month post? As they say in publishing, this is a good opportunity for me to “mobilize my backlist”. Hey, at least I slaved (oops!) over that beautiful collage up there!

If this is your first February following me, this is all new to you. If not, sit back and enjoy one of my favorite posts to write. You know the drill: there’s one per day, and I try to tweet them out each day. Still, some days I get lazy, so it might help to print out the PDF at the end of this post.

IT’S BLACK HISTORY MONTH, Y’ALL!!!

1) Today In Black History: Arnold & Willis Jackson became the first poor black kids adopted by a rich white person

2) Today in Black History: Jimmie Walker left his lucrative career in demolitions to become a comedian.

3) Today in Black History, The Eastland School for Girls admitted Dorothy “Tootie” Ramsey as its first black student

4) Today in Black History, the Fresh King of Bel Air was assassinated. The throne remained empty until a long lost son was found in 1990.

5) Today in Black History, Kunta Kinte is accepted into the space program, and it only costs him his eyesight.

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“Wasn’t my foot ENOUGH?!”

6) Today in Black History, the black girl became the Yellow Ranger, which was only slightly less offensive.

7) Today in Black History, boxer Cassius Clay was bitten by a radioactive Muslim, transforming him into Muhammad Ali

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“I ain’t no damn bean pie!”

8) Today in Black History, the remains of the fabled “Caribbean Queen” were found in the trunk of Billy Ocean’s car.

9) Today in Black History, Devonté Henson became the first black person to scale the Aggro Crag.

10) Today in Black History, a young Tyler Perry put on his first dress. Years later, he would learn that he could be paid for it.

11) Today in Black History, scientists combined the DNA of Morris Day and a pony. The result was Prince.

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“Purple Rain” was actually his My Little Pony name.

12) Today in Black History, Mr. T pitied his first fool, which is still illegal in most states.

13) Today in Black History, Lt Uhura inspired a generation of black women to work for the phone company.

14) Today in Black History, DeBarge discovered a place where they could dance the whole night away. It was an abandoned T.J. Maxx

15) Today in Black History, the US Government cracked down on music piracy after Rerun snuck that tape recorder into the Doobie Bros concert

16) Today in Black History, the Negro Hockey League was founded. After everyone had a good laugh, the site was converted to a Popeyes.

17) Today in Black History, Magic Johnson opened the first movie theater chain where blacks were encouraged to yell at the screen

18) Today in Black History, George Washington Carver’s lazier brother, Jamal, invented crunchy peanut butter.

19) Today in Black History, Janet Jackson joined the cast of TV’s “Fame”. Critics declared this would be the lowest point for the Jackson family

20) Today in Black History, Dwayne Wayne discovered a parallel universe – a different world, where Marisa Tomei was the only white person.

21) Today in Black History, Frederick, MD was named for Frederick Douglass – known for his love of Walmart and the white women

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22) Today in Black History, Aunt Jemima discovered Uncle Ben’s affair with Mrs Butterworth, thus splitting Black America’s first power couple

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They were the royalty of the black breakfast table!

23) Today in Black History, Acorn Avenue -an all-black version of Sesame Street, debuted featuring NeGrover & Big Turkey. It would only air once

24) Today in Black History, 16 Soul Train dancers were killed in what has come to be known as “The Cabbage Patch Massacre of ‘91”

25) Today in Black History, Autobot Rosa Sparks gained attention when she refused to transform into the back of a bus. (Courtesy of @OAFE)

26) Today in Black History, Jesse Jackson formed the R&B group The Civil Rights. They were dropped from Motown before releasing a single.

27) Today in Black History, with Knight Rider & The A-Team, NBC became the first network to devote a night to shows starring black vehicles

28) Today in Black History, Republican scientists proclaimed “Shucky ducky!” as they successfully completed secret cloning experiment, Operation: Chocolate Cheney.

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“Remember me? Black pizza guy? 999? No? Huh.”

There ya have it – your crash course to TRUE black history! Share it with your friends, leave it on the windshield of your favorite racist, or simply put it up on your refrigerator. And if you hate Black History Month, don’t worry – we only get 28 days, and 4 of those are gone. Have fun with St. Drinky-Drinks Day next month!

01st Feb2013

West Week Ever – 2/1/13

by Will

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This one is hard for me. West Week Ever started out as the weekly spot for me to not only ramble about pop culture, but also really delve into the “science” of social media. That’s never been truer than today. You see, this week I found out that I lost a dear friend. The problem, however, is that I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. You see, I’d never actually met this person. This was an online friendship. However, it was deep enough that it taught me that you can have actual, meaningful connections with people you’ve never met. It was my first such friendship, and it paved the way for a lot of the connections I have online today.

I’ve mentioned this person in the past. Back when I did Follow Friday, I was known to refer to her as “my favorite woman on Twitter” (it was cool – my wife didn’t tweet much at the time). It’s funny – when she first followed me, I thought she was spam. Non-descript avatar, seemed to be following a shit ton of people. Unlike a lot of people, I’m not waging a war against spammers, so I just let her be. Then, we actually started to interact. She was in grad school, while also working as a nanny. She loved that job and was always referring to her “girls”, like they were her own kids. She was curious about life and LOVED to dance. She fell in love, and shared her joy with me. When she dealt with something I had experienced, she came to me for advice. She was one of the first people to know about my engagement. She actually downloaded my a cappella mp3s from my college days, and was probably my biggest (and last remaining) fan. As sweet as she was, you’d never know about the things she had going on in her life. Eventually, because of those things, she kinda left the online world behind her.

Around the end of the holiday season, I started thinking about her. I remembered she didn’t celebrate Christmas (non-Jewish white girl, not celebrating Christmas? You’re missing out!), and that was always quaint, yet weird, to me. I remembered her last email to me, right after my engagement. It ended in sort of an ominous way. You know how when a TV show has a finale that’s not really advertised as a finale? Well, it was like that. She was going through her stuff, and I had a wedding to make happen, so I let it simmer. This was around the same time that Catfish on MTV was gaining traction, and while everyone online had jokes like, “Haven’t these people ever heard of Google?”, I started to wonder myself: was this friendship real? Was this person real? I had done my due diligence, so I managed to tuck it in the back of my head, and go on with life. So, when the holidays rolled around, I thought it would be a good time to check in. And that’s when I knew something was wrong.

Minutes after I emailed her, I got an auto response telling me that all inquiries about her should be forwarded to her sister, and it listed her email address. Whatever was happening here, I knew it couldn’t be good. Had something returned from her past? Was I really being  “catfished” and this person was simply tired of the charade and was ready to come clean? I wasn’t sure. I simply forwarded it to her sister, prefacing it with an explanation of how I knew her. And then I didn’t hear back. Until yesterday. In the middle of a work meeting, I saw that I had an email, and I knew who it was from when I saw the subject line. Something told me not to deal with it then. It would be there when the meeting was done. And I managed to stick to that for most of the meeting. Then, my mind began to wander and I gave in. After the first line, I wished I had waited.

The reply was from my friend’s sister. She was telling me that my friend had actually passed away back in July, from an aneurysm. I don’t get into this with many people, but there’s actually one thing off limits to me when it comes to joking around: aneurysms. It might seem like an odd thing to have off limits, but there’s a reason for it. You see, when I was 3 years old, my dad died from an aneurysm. Not only did that cause pain at a young age, and lead me to grow up without a father, but aneurysms have served as a sort of biological boogeyman ever since. You don’t know how you get them. You can just be living your life and BAM. And that’s what happened here. She had returned home from school, was getting ready to face the world as a grown up, and it all ended in an instant. So, as for my life’s scorecard, Will: 0, Aneurysms: 2. That’s two people who were very important to me, yet I didn’t know all that well, taken by aneurysms.

Again, this is a weird place for me. I’m not new to death. I was raised by the Black Golden Girls. Some random Alabama cousin dies every month. I’ve probably been to more funerals than birthday parties. It’s just amazing that someone you’ve never met can have that kind of effect on you. Before her, I was mainly following comic blogs, and not really interacting on Twitter. I really considered her a friend, as I consider many of you. You may see me as the obnoxious guy, telling bad jokes all the time, but I do it for you. I’m just the insecure guy trying to impress his friends in the lunchroom. It’s just that our lunchroom is digital. Whenever I think back to how stupid it might seem to worry about losing followers and whatnot, I think about situations like this and realize that many of you are so much more to me than that. And while that may seem sad, it’s the future. I know because AT&T commercials have been selling that dream for 20 years. Anyway, there’s no real conclusion to that. I just had to get it out. Maybe some of you will feel it’s a bit much, but I hope that maybe some of you can relate.

Whew!

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OK, so I was also invited to participate in UnderScoopFire’s list of The 50 Funniest Women of All Time. This was harder than you’d think, and I even had to poll Lindsay for her opinions. Basically, each of us submitted our Top 25, and then Howie Decker used his trusted methodology to compile the list. At the outset, it was never meant to be a DEFINITIVE list. Anyone who’s been on the Internet for a week knows that these are great for generating discussion. Still, some folks on Twitter were all “Fuck yo’ methodology” and “Where’s Megan Mullally?” I don’t wanna sell out the system because I like how USF’s lists are done. All I can really explain is my thinking on the matter.

First off, Sarah Beattie is an actual comedy writer, so even if I disagree, I defer to the pro. That said, I feel the need to bring up something I discussed with Howie. This was a really hard list to make because you have to be honest with yourself and ask “Do I really think she’s funny OR do I just think she’s hot?” Yeah, this may seem crass and sexist, but it’s an important aspect of comedy to recognize. This list wasn’t limited to the world of standup, but let’s just look at that subset for a bit. Male comics aren’t hot. They’re typically shlubby, balding and/or insecure. Dane Cook was the first, modern-day standup heart throb, which I think is the source of a lot of the ire directed at him. Sure, he’s not the strongest comic, but I think guys in the audience never felt threatened by comics until him. With Dane,  here was a guy who could easily fuck their girlfriends. That’s threatening. Now there’s the flip side. There’s an up and coming crop of SMOKING female comics. This isn’t to say they’re all not funny, but it does mean they bring something extra to the plate to compensate for weaker humor, if needed. I think they use their looks as a crutch. Take Amy Schumer. She’s cute and witty, and she’s studied every rape joke that Sarah Silverman has ever written. Still, she’s too green to be on a list of the BEST OF ALL TIME.

To me, a few people on this list haven’t paid their dues enough to be here. Along with Schumer, that includes Plaza (she’s one of the Best of Right Now, but time will tell), Farris (she plays dumb girl roles, not funny girl), Fisher (she married a funny guy), Schaal/Lynch (future Hall of Famers, but not there yet), and McCarthy (still coasting off that ONE good Bridesmaids performance). And that’s not even taking into account the people I just never found funny; I can still recognize their contributions to the “art”. So, that’s the beauty of democracy: everyone gets a voice, but not everybody “wins”. Still, I was honored to have been chosen, and I just wanted to shed a little light on my thoughts of the final tally.

Before I go, HUGE shout-out to my man @RobotsPJs who hooked me up with some Hostess goodness. Be sure to check out his Snack Reports over at The Robots Pajamas!

This Week’s Post:

Thrift Justice: Bipartisan$#!+

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