04th Dec2005

Entertainment Tonight, You Ignorant Slut!

by Will

“It’s as if Disney’s trying to say to the kids, ‘Screw your parents, just run off into the woods and sing Hakuna Matata and everything is going to be alright’.”

You know who I’ve pitied for quite some time? “Entertainment Tonight” reporters. Why? Because they have to pretend to be excited about a project even when they know it’s going to be a piece of shit. The best evidence of this is watching an episode WAY after the fact.

I once went through this phase where I’d put a tape in the VCR, hit “record” and just walk away. On days when boredom struck, I’d put in the tape and see what I’d recorded. There’s nothing worse than seeing Mary Hart or Bob Goen on the set of yet another Tori Spelling TV movie or yet another 80’s tv show reunion, knowing they couldn’t give two shits whether or not JR Ewing was meaner than Boss Hogg.

I remember when they were on the set of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie”. Now, I don’t like flaunting this around, but those close to me know I watched PR WAY longer than I should have. I was an uber-fan, but even I knew that movie was gonna be a steaming pile of shit. But Bob Goen just wouldn’t come correct. He was determined to tell me, ME, that this movie was going to reinvent the wheel with it’s colorful costumes and high-flying martial arts antics. That movie went on to gross about 2 million dollars. If you know anything about entertainment, you’ll know that equals “bomb”.

Don’t placate me, ET. We know when something’s going to suck. Trying to make us believe otherwise only outs you as the entertainment whores that you are.

25th Oct2005

A Look Into The Minds of Today’s Hottest Black Actors

by Will

“Snakes on motherfucking plane?!”
So, you ever wonder what goes on in the casting process of a movie? Like, what exactly occurs in the relationship between an actor and an agent? Well, the West News Team has left no stone unturned to bring you the true story behind Hollwood’s “casting couch”. No, we’re not focusing on starlets. We go behind the scenes of the casting of some of America’s hottest Black actors. Let’s see what’s inside!

Morgan Freeman

Agent: So, we’ve got this movie we think you’d be good in.

MF: Is there a script?

A: Yeah, there’s a script, but don’t worry about that.

MF: Is Ashley Judd in it? You know how I like Ashley.

A: No, Morgan. No Ashley.

MF: *downtrodden* No Ashley?

A: Sorry, not this time.

MF: Well, who IS in the movie? This ain’t that Timberlake thing y’all were telling me about, is it?

A: No, this is something…different…

MF: Well, who’s in it?

A:…penguins…

MF:Penguins?!! *pause* Well, is there a paycheck?

A: Isn’t there always?

MF: Then, sign me up!

Samuel L. Jackson

Agent: So, Sam..we’ve got this movie we want-

SLJ: IS THERE A BLACK DUDE IN IT?!

A: You bet your Black ass there is! Why do you think –

SLJ: DO I GET TO TALK REAL LOUD?!!

A: Of course! The studio wouldn’t have it any other way.

SLJ: DO I GET TO BE A BADASS?!!

A; SLJ, you’ll be the Baddest Ass in movie history.

SLJ: WELL, SIGN ME UP!

A: Really? Just like –

SLJ: MAN, QUIT TALKING. YOU HAD ME AT “BLACK DUDE”.

Sean Patrick Thomas

A: Hey Sean. Sorry about “The District” getting canceled. Anyway, we’ve got this script-

SPT: Do I get to sleep with a White girl?

A: Umm…not this time around, Sean…

SPT: Do I get to kiss a White girl?

A: Umm…no, Sean. We’ve been here before. This movie takes place in a Black barbershop. How many White girls have you seen in Black barbershops?

SPT:Maybe…she’s visiting her Black boyfriend.

A: Look, Sean…maybe this was a bad idea.

SPT: Fine, but can’t we have a scene where I, at least, dance with a White girl? I mean, I DO have a reputation to uphold…

25th Oct2005

Jaye Davidson: Stargate’s Drag Queen Baddie

by Will

“Earl, I think you’re trying to sell a cat to a man who fancies dogs.”

So, today it was announced that Sci Fi is picking up “Stargate:SG-1” for a 10th season, making it the longest running US sci-fi show in history. Kinda amazing for a show based on a movie that BOMBED. Then again, I guess the same could be said for “Buffy: The Vampire Slayer”. Anyways, this development made me think of that movie, which I loved, and specifically, Jaye Davidson.

Jaye Davidson played “Ra” in Stargate, and as far as movie villains go, was the pussy to end all pussies. I mean, I don’t think he even had a line. He just kinda slinked around, being all androgynous. I think their reasoning was that Ra wouldn’t speak English, and the whole “Goau’ld” aspect wasn’t introduced until the TV show. As a result, we’re left with a big old menacing drag queen for a villain. But he was a scary drag queen, I’ll give him that. Not in a RuPaul kind of way, but more like, “this drag queen might cut me if I look at her the wrong way”. And nobody wants to be cut by a drag queen. Imagine having to report that, and having the cops laugh at ya the whole time…

But you see, Jaye didn’t HAVE to act. He’d already proven himself in the indie classic, “The Crying Game”. You see, he was the source of the movie’s BIG REVEAL. In case you haven’t seen it, the chick is a man! And that man-chick was Jaye Davidson. Mofo earned an Oscar nomination for that thing. So, when Stargate came along, he netted a cool million, essentially playing the same character, without all the awkward sex and Boy George soundtrack.

But after Stargate, it was over. He returned to his prior career as in the fashion industry. He only made 3 movies. 3 movies! I’m not saying the guy was Carey Grant, but even Fran Drescher made more than 3 movies (anybody realize she was in “Saturday Night Fever”, and might I mention, HOT?) Apparently, after Stargate, the acting bug’s sting just wore off for Jaye. I guess I can respect that. Instead of lining up for another failure, like “Evolution” or “Battlefield: Earth”, he returned to his home on the runway.

Well, I was on IMDB today, and there were a few Jaye quotes that I honestly found inspirational. I dunno, maybe it’s the drugs, or my current state of mind, but he reached out and touched me with the following:

“Some people are so precious — all this hoo-ha about bad role models and positive images! Of course gay people are murderers, bigamists, drug addicts and nasty people — just as much as heterosexual people are all of these things. What it all boils down to is, we are all people, and we all have the same human desires. It just happens that some desires go this way and some desires go that way. It’s sad when people are oppressed. But it’s a question of rising above it. Personally, mentally and, if you have to, physically. ”

“The most important thing in my life is to live my life and enjoy it–to do what I think is right and what I think is good.”

So, that’s Jaye Davidson. While he may be considered a B-movie actor, today he served as a wise prophet. He might not have survived Stargate, but he’s found a way to survive in this world…

06th Oct2005

Cornell’s Sorority System, Described Using Celebrities du Jour

by Will

“I’m not above putting out for cash!”

So, to show you just how bored I tend to get at work, the following is a little project I gave myself the other day. With the help of my good web friend, Wikipedia , I set out to take a trip down Cornell memory lane. While doing this, I began to think of the fun times, the party times. And sometimes these involved crashing some kind of Greek mixer. In fact, I remember a Sig Ep/Kappa Delta mixer where the guys spent most of the evening sneering and me and Lip from the staircase as we took over the party. You know it was a lame party if Lip and I were the main event, but that was what happened some cold nights in Ithaca.

Anyway, while looking back, I began to remember the distinct personalities of the houses. There are different frats (yeah, yeah, “You wouldn’t call your country…”) and sororities because they’re all into different things. Yes, kids, it’s the high school cafeteria all over again. So, instead of trying to describe these different social mindsets, I decided to use examples instead. Yup, I went through all of the sororities on Cornell’s campus, and then found an actual celebrity alumnae from those specific houses, some Cornell alums, some alums of other schools, that best illustrate the general “theme” of the house. By “theme”, I’m basing it upon looks and personality. You may find some of these to be harsh. You may find some to be spot on. But all I can promise is that this is one guy’s Cornell-centric opinion, and these are all true alums of the houses. And if you don’t know a particular name, don’t be afraid to Google that mofo. So, away we go!

UPDATE: I simply love commentary too much to list names without explanation. Let’s see how much I can offend some people…

Delta Gamma – Ann Coulter
Bunch of blond, rich, White Republican girls. In my best James Lamb voice, “They wanted nothing to do with me.”

Chi Omega – Joyce DeWitt
Sure, in the South, “Chi Ho” is the shizzle, but not where I’m from. On the hill, this house is nothing but a breeding ground of “Janets” for the rest of the world’s “Chrissies”.

Pi Beta Phi – Jennifer Garner
Hottie hot-hot sporty spicers. You want a hot chick who could also take you down in a fight? This is your house. Buyer beware, some of them are “beautifully musculine”. Just sayin’…Anyway, I like to refer to this as The House of Tarek.

Kappa Delta – Ellen Dow
Sure, they all mean well, but…

Delta Delta Delta – Katie Couric
Cute, but deadly. Unassuming, but that’s just what they want you to think. Sleep with one eye open.

Kappa Alpha Theta – Jenna Von Oy
Ahh…Theta. Now, this was a house of those “rough around the edges” chicks where you have to ask, “Are you SURE you wanna be in a sorority?”

Alpha Phi- Kimberly Williams
She’s got the look. Nanananana, nanananananana, nanananana!!!! In all seriousness, this was the best house of groupies EVER. I mean, these girls ate, slept, and breathed a cappella. Sure, it was a Hangover house, but that seemed to change over time…

Kappa Kappa Gamma – Sophia Bush
Every girl in Kappa looks like this girl. And they all work for Morgan Stanley. They will stab you in the back if there’s an internship in it for them. Sounds like some kind of “One Tree Hill” plotline. In fact, I can’t look at any of them anymore without Gavin DeGraw popping into my head…

Alpha Chi Omega – Dawn Wells
The girl who used to be cute and sweet during orientation who’s now cute and a bitch. Wow, it’s amazing how Rush can change a person. Plus, y’all know that Ginger was the movie star, but Mary Ann HAD to have a chip on her shoulder!

Sigma Delta Tau – Joan Rivers
A bunch of loud Jewish girls. Yeah, I said it. And I loved how all their sweaters and crap said “EAT”.

Alpha Omicron Pi – Courtney Kupets
A bunch of girls with NOTHING in common who really just wanted to tell their friends back home that they were in a sorority. Honestly, you couldn’t find a larger, more motley group. These girls had NO business being together, as they were all gymnasts or ecologists looking for something to do over breaks…

Wow, this post came off really bitter, like they all rejected me or something. Nothing could be further from the truth. In all honesty, the Greek thing wasn’t really my scene. We did the parties when we had jack nothing else to do. But these were my observations from our “away team” missions. Anyway, it’s not like anybody from these houses is even gonna see this post…

27th Aug2005

Looking Back On Buckaroo Banzai

by Will

“No matter where you go, there you are.”

Soon the leaves will change, and I will be reminded of the tool that I was, growing up. Now, don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed my antisocial status. My Saturday’s were planned to a T. I’d wake up, partake in some TNBC action, and then I’d hunker down and watch whatever craptastic movie Channel’s 5 and 20 had to offer. But out of their entire film libraries, there are two movies that always put a special feeling in the air:
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension . Today, I had the pleasure of revisiting the latter.

Let me try to somehow explain why I ever liked this movie. It’s like the producers went up to a 7 yr-old and asked, “Hey, kid..what do you wanna be when you grow up?” And the kid responded, “I wanna be a super hero, and a rock star, and a rocket scientist, and kill aliens, and have a flying car…” Why do I say this? Because all of the above describe the title character of Buckaroo Banzai. He is all of those things, and I’m not being metaphorical. He is an alien-fighting, rock star, comic book hero, with an advanced degree in physics. Plus, his band doubles as his superhero support team. Yeah, on my most imaginative day, I can’t believe some studio greenlit this, even in 1984.

Just looking at the cast, you get the picture that it’s not gonna be an easy stroll through the park. Peter Weller (Robocop) as Buckaroo tips ya off, but anytime you have John Lithgow AND Jeff Goldblum, you’d might as well send the thing straight to video. Lithgow’s most sane role was the crazy preacher in “Footloose” and “Goldblum” is Hebrew for “hope you’re ready for weird”. And we round it all off with the great Christoher Lloyd. Yeah, it’s no wonder this thing only has a cult following.

But these lameass reasons are the same reason I love it. I can’t believe a studio greenlit this movie! It’s that simple. It’s not even one of those films where you’re like, “I’ll bet this rocks when you’re high.” No, if you watched it under the influence of something, you’d probably go on a killing spree. It’s that much of a mindfuck.

I don’t know what touches more. Is it the bubble-wrap safety goggles? The cowboy named “New Jersey”? Or is it the irresistable “Pretty Tommy”, who surprisingly is NOT a pimp? The aliens disguised as Rastafarians? The fact that they willingly endanger that 11 yr-old kid AND give him a rifle to shoot at people? It makes no sense on paper, and it makes even less sense to watch.

The beauty of the whole film-making process in Buckaroo Banzai is that you KNOW they’re trying to weird you out, but not in that artsy Tim Burton-esque way. There’s no real method to the madness, just a balls-out “why not?” approach. Sure, you could ask, “Why is Buckaroo ALL of these professions?”, but the movie subtlely puts forth “Why NOT?” And once you accept that, all bets are off.

My experience today was just like it’s been the past 2o-odd years I’ve watched this masterful train wreck. The thing comes on, and the events unfold like this:

Minute 1: “Oh, man! ‘Buckaroo Banzai’ is on! Well, got nothing else to do today…”

Minute12: “OK, I think I’ve had about all I can handle.”

Minute 22: “Wow, is Robocop really singing ‘Since I Don’t Have You’? I’m gonna have to see where this is going.”

Minute 37: “I really can’t do this anymore. Fucking Goldblum in that cowboy outfit makes me wanna hit somebody.”

Minute 62: “Man, no wonder Ellen Barkin’s career went nowhere.”

Minute 70: “Guess I’ve gotta ride out this storm.”

Minute 103: “I can’t believe I just sat through that whole thing. Oooh…’Baywatch’!”

Well, the Baywatch part didn’t occur to me today (God rest its bouncy slow-motion soul), but it never fails that the same exact thoughts go through my mind. And I just find it touching that a movie can make me feel the exact same way, each time, over the course of so many years. I think THAT’s what keeps me coming back for more. I go for years without seeing it, and I come back older and wiser, yet I still ask the same questions.

And after 20 years, I still don’t know what the fuck this movie’s about! I’m serious. Something about an “overthruster”, and I know Lithgow looks like he needs a bath…and there’s some guy named “Bigbootie” (Awww….Big booty, big booty, big booty!). But in the whole “how much shit can we possibly cram into this movie?”, the creative team behind the film gave plot a back seat. I’d be so bold as to say there is no plot. These were the 80’s. A time when some bastard created “Toxie, the Toxic Avenger”, and somehow spawned a cartoon out of that. My point is that in the “Me Generation” no idea was too farfetched, and “Buckaroo Banzai” is one of the best examples of that.

Well, that’s enough sharing. Once again, I’m pretty sure that Austin’s the only one reading this who’ll even have a clue as to what I’m talking about, but he’s my target audience for the pop culture throwback posts, so i guess I’m doing my job if he connects. Stay tuned for my next post, which will be a milestone in the Westverse: post #450!

20th Aug2005

Truck Turner Is HILARIOUS!

by Will

“She’s gratuitously hot. Like ‘even if she was a parapalegic I wouldn’t care’ hot.”

You’ve never seen an All-Star Pimp Funeral until you’ve seen Isaac Hayes’ “Truck Turner”. One of the lesser-known Blaxploitation flicks, it’s probably the only place you’ll see cocaine sprinkled on a finely dressed corpse and, and here’s the clincher, Lt. Uhura as a hardass Hollywood Madame.

Let’s see…you’ve got the one-eyed White cowboy pimp. You’ve got the standard issue street corner pimp. But my personal fave is the Yafhet Kotto-from-Homicide pimp. “What could be wrong? I’m rich. I have money. I’m cute. I’m handsome.” He steals the show!

And who knew prostitutes would grieve so over their fallen daddy? It truly is an enlightening thing to watch. And I leave you with this nugget of wittiness from Lt. Uhooker:

“She’s called ‘Turnpike’ ’cause you’ve gotta pay to get on and pay to get off.”

11th Aug2005

Looking Back On Footloose

by Will

“And I thought only assholes used the word ‘pansy’!”

So, I’m supposed to be Mr. Pop Culture, but there are many glaring omissions in my repertoire. For instance, I’ve never seen “Titanic”; probably the only red-blooded Metro American to admit that. Do they even use “metrosexual” anymore? I’m so out the loop these days!

Anyway, I plugged one of those holes tonight, and watched a movie I’d never seen before. Which movie? The Kevin Bacon tour de force “Footloose”!

In this day and age, too many people can’t dance. They admit it like it’s cute or something, “Oh, I can’t dance! *giggle*” Half of them, I think, say it just so when they actually kick ass on the dancefloor, you’ll be forced to say, “Hey, I thought you said you couldn’t dance!” It’s all a big tease.

Anyway, this movie touched me, and I realized something. I realized that if dancing were illegal, like crack, everybody would be a fucking Solid Gold dancer. Nothing like making something “black market” to increase its demand. Music is too accessible, so we take it for granted. We’ve got AM, FM, XM, mp3s, ringtones… It’s too much. If you had to turn tricks for a cassette, you’d APPRECIATE that music! I can see it now:

“Yo, man…I gotta have a hit. I’ll take anything. I’ll DO anything!”

“Anything? Well, I’ve got 2 hits of Britney, some Starship, and some old Skee-Lo. But it’ll cost ya. You sure you ain’t a cop?”

This town outlawed dancing, and the if these kids heard 4 bars of Kenny Loggins, for those few seconds they were all Julliard grads. I mean, Kevin Bacon was lauding the praises of Men at Work, for God’s sake! Men at Work! Those kids were jonesin’ for music like it was going out of style!

And notice how there were no Blacks. Yeah, I know it was a small midwestern town, but that was symbolic. The day that town outlawed dancers, either all the Blacks were executed or they simply left town. ‘Cause there ain’t no way in HELL Black people gonna live in a town where they can’t dance. It’s not that they dance all the time, but they’d like the option if the mood strikes them. Same goes for the Latin community. You ever watch Telemundo? They can’t give a weather report without dancing! Oh God, I’ve become such a bigot….

I also got another idea: I want a dance-off between Kevin Bacon and Patrick Swayze. It would be a joint sequel of sorts. I like to call it “Dirty Footing”! In theaters Fall 2006. “‘Cause nobody outlaws Baby!”

10th Aug2005

Go Away, Maria Menounos!

by Will

“He wants me to go to the moon with him, Johnny, and it’s really cold there, I guess, and it’s like, my least favorite planet anyway. I’d much rather go to Pluto or Star Trek or China. One of the nice planets that’s not so dirty.”

You know who I’m getting sick of? Maria Menounos! She’s frickin’ EVERYWHERE. She’s on “One Tree Hill”. She’s in “Fantastic Four.” And let’s not forget her main job, “Entertainment Tonight”. She’s like Media Herpes or something. I can’t get rid of her. She’s the Jillian Barberie of 2005.

Plus, shouldn’t it be a conflict of interest to be an entertainer (I use the term loosely) AND be an ET cohost? First, Mark McGrath joined Extra, which is OK, ’cause who really took Sugar Ray seriously? But when John Tesh started his whole New Age career, he had the decency to leave ET. But Maria’s EVERYWHERE. And it’s not like she’s that talented. She’s kinda like the Budget Eva Longoria, which ain’t sayin’ much. If you can’t afford post-“Desperate Housewives” Eva, then Maria Menounos will come to your kid’s birthday party and smile for pictures. Then, she’ll turn around and show the pics on ET, right after her coverage of Mary Kay Letourneau’s wedding. Oh, ET, when did you turn into “A Current Affair”?

08th Aug2005

DJ Tanner Says You’re Going To Hell!

by Will

What’s the deal with the Cameron family?!!! First, Mike Seaver got
Left Behind and now DJ Tanner’s throwing THIS at us?!!!

Whoa, babies! When did these kids get all Born Again? And stop making me feel like crap, Mike and Donna Jo! Don’t they know they’ve gotta have mercy? I mean, cut it out, guys. Pin a rose on your nose, ’cause I don’t like this “holier than thou” crap. I guess I’m not saintly enough to visit your site, Candace. You don’t want me there? You got it, dude!

02nd Aug2005

Yeah, It’s BASEKetball

by Will

Name That Movie!

And, yes, the following are all from the same movie. It’s just THAT quotable.

“First, we get the jobs. Then, we get the khakis. Then, we get the chicks.”

“Steevvve Perry!”

“It certainly does seem to be raining shit on Joe Cooper right now.”

“Well, you know, it was a team effort…and I guess it took every player, working together, to lose this one.”

“Well, we prefer to think of them as ‘health-challenged’ and ‘survival-impaired’.”

“…and it appears that time just finally ran out for the old cocksucker.”

“If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I’d have a shitload of nickels!”

“Wow, the Lord must really have it in for that little boy!”

“You can’t blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can’t help it!”

“I’m letting her know that I’m ready to consider thinking about dating her exclusively.”

“Wake up, bitch. You’re my new best friend.”

“We have sullied the waters of the lagoon of peace. And I’m begging you, for the love of our Carribean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!”