11th Aug2005

Looking Back On Footloose

by Will

“And I thought only assholes used the word ‘pansy’!”

So, I’m supposed to be Mr. Pop Culture, but there are many glaring omissions in my repertoire. For instance, I’ve never seen “Titanic”; probably the only red-blooded Metro American to admit that. Do they even use “metrosexual” anymore? I’m so out the loop these days!

Anyway, I plugged one of those holes tonight, and watched a movie I’d never seen before. Which movie? The Kevin Bacon tour de force “Footloose”!

In this day and age, too many people can’t dance. They admit it like it’s cute or something, “Oh, I can’t dance! *giggle*” Half of them, I think, say it just so when they actually kick ass on the dancefloor, you’ll be forced to say, “Hey, I thought you said you couldn’t dance!” It’s all a big tease.

Anyway, this movie touched me, and I realized something. I realized that if dancing were illegal, like crack, everybody would be a fucking Solid Gold dancer. Nothing like making something “black market” to increase its demand. Music is too accessible, so we take it for granted. We’ve got AM, FM, XM, mp3s, ringtones… It’s too much. If you had to turn tricks for a cassette, you’d APPRECIATE that music! I can see it now:

“Yo, man…I gotta have a hit. I’ll take anything. I’ll DO anything!”

“Anything? Well, I’ve got 2 hits of Britney, some Starship, and some old Skee-Lo. But it’ll cost ya. You sure you ain’t a cop?”

This town outlawed dancing, and the if these kids heard 4 bars of Kenny Loggins, for those few seconds they were all Julliard grads. I mean, Kevin Bacon was lauding the praises of Men at Work, for God’s sake! Men at Work! Those kids were jonesin’ for music like it was going out of style!

And notice how there were no Blacks. Yeah, I know it was a small midwestern town, but that was symbolic. The day that town outlawed dancers, either all the Blacks were executed or they simply left town. ‘Cause there ain’t no way in HELL Black people gonna live in a town where they can’t dance. It’s not that they dance all the time, but they’d like the option if the mood strikes them. Same goes for the Latin community. You ever watch Telemundo? They can’t give a weather report without dancing! Oh God, I’ve become such a bigot….

I also got another idea: I want a dance-off between Kevin Bacon and Patrick Swayze. It would be a joint sequel of sorts. I like to call it “Dirty Footing”! In theaters Fall 2006. “‘Cause nobody outlaws Baby!”

10th Aug2005

Go Away, Maria Menounos!

by Will

“He wants me to go to the moon with him, Johnny, and it’s really cold there, I guess, and it’s like, my least favorite planet anyway. I’d much rather go to Pluto or Star Trek or China. One of the nice planets that’s not so dirty.”

You know who I’m getting sick of? Maria Menounos! She’s frickin’ EVERYWHERE. She’s on “One Tree Hill”. She’s in “Fantastic Four.” And let’s not forget her main job, “Entertainment Tonight”. She’s like Media Herpes or something. I can’t get rid of her. She’s the Jillian Barberie of 2005.

Plus, shouldn’t it be a conflict of interest to be an entertainer (I use the term loosely) AND be an ET cohost? First, Mark McGrath joined Extra, which is OK, ’cause who really took Sugar Ray seriously? But when John Tesh started his whole New Age career, he had the decency to leave ET. But Maria’s EVERYWHERE. And it’s not like she’s that talented. She’s kinda like the Budget Eva Longoria, which ain’t sayin’ much. If you can’t afford post-“Desperate Housewives” Eva, then Maria Menounos will come to your kid’s birthday party and smile for pictures. Then, she’ll turn around and show the pics on ET, right after her coverage of Mary Kay Letourneau’s wedding. Oh, ET, when did you turn into “A Current Affair”?

08th Aug2005

DJ Tanner Says You’re Going To Hell!

by Will

What’s the deal with the Cameron family?!!! First, Mike Seaver got
Left Behind and now DJ Tanner’s throwing THIS at us?!!!

Whoa, babies! When did these kids get all Born Again? And stop making me feel like crap, Mike and Donna Jo! Don’t they know they’ve gotta have mercy? I mean, cut it out, guys. Pin a rose on your nose, ’cause I don’t like this “holier than thou” crap. I guess I’m not saintly enough to visit your site, Candace. You don’t want me there? You got it, dude!

02nd Aug2005

Yeah, It’s BASEKetball

by Will

Name That Movie!

And, yes, the following are all from the same movie. It’s just THAT quotable.

“First, we get the jobs. Then, we get the khakis. Then, we get the chicks.”

“Steevvve Perry!”

“It certainly does seem to be raining shit on Joe Cooper right now.”

“Well, you know, it was a team effort…and I guess it took every player, working together, to lose this one.”

“Well, we prefer to think of them as ‘health-challenged’ and ‘survival-impaired’.”

“…and it appears that time just finally ran out for the old cocksucker.”

“If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I’d have a shitload of nickels!”

“Wow, the Lord must really have it in for that little boy!”

“You can’t blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can’t help it!”

“I’m letting her know that I’m ready to consider thinking about dating her exclusively.”

“Wake up, bitch. You’re my new best friend.”

“We have sullied the waters of the lagoon of peace. And I’m begging you, for the love of our Carribean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!”

30th Jul2005

Lawdy, Lawdy! Superfly Had A SEQUEL?!

by Will

“Logan would join a limbo contest if it had a redhead in it.”

It’s back! About 6 months ago, I wrote a scathing article about The African Heritage Movie Theatre, and it’s MC’s, Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis. Well, much has changed in that time. Mr. Davis has gone to that theatre in the sky, and Ms. Dee is MIA. So, the franchise has been renamed. Yes, I give you the Uptown Movie Network. And get this: it’s now hosted by Ms. Shar “F you, Federline!” Jackson. But worry not, because they’re still cranking out those movies that make us Black folks feel so proud! This week’s offering: “Superfly T.N.T”

Yes, as if “Superfly” wasn’t enough, someone came up with the bright idea to give us a sequel. But this ain’t yo daddy’s Blaxploitation movie (actually, it’s from 1973, so it probably is…). Don’t look for the ghettos and the Cadillacs. No, allow me to provide you with the movie’s synopsis:

“Superfly comes out of his Roman retirement to free a tiny African nation from the grip of a cruel dictator.”

Oh, Superfly must be a hero, right? Well, for those of you who don’t know the story of Superfly, as depicted in the first movie, let me break it down for ya. Superfly, known as Youngblood Priest, was a cocaine dealer who simply realized he’d had enough of the life. But he needed one last score to provide him with the cash for his escape. So, I guess he used that cash to get to Rome. Yeah…Rome. I didn’t even think they let Black people in Rome in 1973!

Oh, but it gets better. You ever seen a 6’4” Black dude with a perm, dressed from head to toe in horseback riding gear? Better yet, have you ever seen the same guy chase a mugger down narrow Roman streets?You will if you see this movie. I don’t know if Superfly is the most famboyant pimp or the gayest ass kicker, but it certainly is a sight to see.

The highlight of this movie has GOT to be Roscoe Lee Brown, who has one of the most iconic voices in entertainment history. Screw James Earl Jones. Roscoe’s “Kingpin” from the Fox Spider-Man cartoon stomps all over Mr. “This is CNN”. Anyway, Brown plays the part of an African diplomat. Not that it takes much. In this day and age, all you had to do was show up to work. And he does that nicely.

So, why am I ranting? Well, the whole commercial nature of this franchise was to show movies that, supposedly, had a cultural and classic impact on the Black cinematic experience. I understand that there are only so many times one can watch “The Color Purple” and “The Tuskeegee Airmen”, but it’d be more honorable if someone just came out and said, “OK, we’re all out of movies.” Don’t pass this dreck off and try to make people think it means something. Hell, “Superfly T.N.T” doesn’t even come up immediately on an IMDB search. You’ve got to dig to find that bad boy. I guess that’s supposed to make me think it’s a hidden cinematic treasure. Well, I’m on to your game!

“Superfly” had cultural significance. It is one of the more memorable Blaxploitation movies. Was it a “good” movie? I’ll leave that in the eye of the beholder. But it had cultural significance. These were Black made films, for Black audiences. As deplorable as the subject matter may have been, these tales were real to many people. Can’t say the same about “Soul Plane”. But I digress…

But you can’t tell me that Superfly’s sequel holds the same meaning in time. In the words of Judge Judy, “Don’t piss on my knee and tell me it’s raining!” The fool is in Rome! Who came up with this locale? How did a coke dealer become an African savior? I mean, I’m all about redemption, but DAMN!

Everybody knows that a sequel is simply another trip to the well. Typically, you had success, and now you’re trying to milk the idea dry. The “message” was in your first movie, but the sequel is all fo’ da scrilla. With that in mind, any lesson or message to be conveyed was in the first Superfly. And I guess said message was: “if you’re gonna deal, make sure you rollin’ high, and you get yo’ ass to a safe place for the fallout.” OK, I can live with that. A lot of young folks could do well to know that message. But the only message in the sequel is: “if you take your Black ass to Rome, they gonna find you!”

Thanks, “Uptown Movie Network”. I sure am glad y’all decided to show “Graffiti Bridge” instead of “King” back in January. And I really appreciate the effort, but I think I’ll take care of my cultural education on my own. But holla back when y’all start showing reruns of “Girlfriends”…

25th Jul2005

Danny Elfman: The One Trick Pony

by Will

“Be careful, Peter. After all, you’re not Superman, you know!”

So, Shelly and I just saw “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (GREAT movie, by the way), and I realized something: Danny Elfman wrote one song about 16 years ago, and he’s been remixing it ever since.

You ever see “Batman”? That was Danny Elfman composing. We all know the song when we hear it. For some of us, the mere sound of it makes us want to suit up and fight crime. But if you listen carefully, before the main “Bat Riff” breaks out, there’s this creepy, lilting melody. That melody, folks, is the one and only song Elfman has ever composed. He is the 3 Doors Down..no, the Creed of movie score composers.

Go watch “Edward Scissorhands”, also known as the beginning of the Burton-Depp marriage. You hear that score? Sound familiar? Yup, you’ve heard it before.

Seen “Spider-Man”? I know I wasn’t the only one watching the opening credits, thinking, “Hey, this sounds familiar…and, this doesn’t even fit the character of Spidey!” It’s like Sony went to Elfman and asked, “What have you got along the lines of a superhero theme?” And he went back to his studio, and dusted off a cassette labeled “Bat Scraps”.

“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”? Same Elfman “Batman” score.

It’s driving me crazy! You can’t take a song that holds meaning and then just apply it to other properties, all willy-nilly! Right now, I’ve got the image of Batman & Spidey fighting Edward Scissorhands in the middle of a chocolate factory run by skeletons. And I’m not even high!

Maybe it all boils down to budget. If Burton can avoid spending on new music, then that’s more money he can shuttle into Helena Bonham Carter’s heroin addiction. I mean, that shit don’t come cheap. And Burton totally knows how to work a budget. To get a little more insight, let’s look at his upcoming film, “Corpse Bride”.

“Corpse Bride” is billed by some as “the sequel to ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas'”. Same stop animation. Same Burton creepiness. Same Elfman score. But the real humdinger is the voice cast. You see, the vast majority of the cast members are also in “Charlie”. Since it’s only voiceovers, he could’ve recorded that stuff during filming breaks on “Charlie”, and would’ve wound up making the film on a mere shoestring. Critics and audience members alike will love it, and Helena gets more heroin.

I’m on to you, Burton. You and Elfman aren’t fooling me. I know the frickin’ Batman theme when I hear it. Stop using it for all of your movies! You’re crrepy enough as it is, and it’s having an effect on my psychological well-being. You’ve just read what this score-swapping is doing to me, and I can’t fathom Batman fighting an undead bride while Ed Wood films the Martians attacking us. It’s too much! Get off your ass, Elfman, and compose! You wrote the frickin’ “Simpsons” theme for God’s sake! You’ve got more in you. Just slowly step away from the “Batman” theme. We can work this out…

24th Jul2005

Comics Rant: House of M, Gambit, Infinite Crisis, X3, and Blade TV

by Will

“I’m sorry…I know I maybe taste like a cracker.”

Comics Rant

The following will make sense to maybe 2 of my readers. Sorry, but I needed to get this out of my system. But stay tuned, I’m sure I’ll wax philosophic on 90210 or something with a little more of an all-encompassing vibe in the coming days…

-SINISTER IS GAMBIT’S FATHER?!!! Is this in-continuity? Are they gonna keep this development? I mean, it makes sense, but…

-So, you mean to tell me that Hawkeye’s now dead in BOTH universes? I was never a fan of 616 Hawkeye, but Ultimate Hawkeye was kinda noble. Man, Marvel must really hate archers or something…

-So, the Sentry may actually be an amnesiac Thor? That’s an interesting theory…

-Wolverine’s a much cooler Avenger than X-Man. “House of M” only proves this theory. Plus, check out his solo work in “Wolverine”. Last issue, he killed 5,000 people. Yup, you read that correctly.

-Speaking of “House of M”, rumor is that it’s going to knock the number of mutants in the world back down to around 300. In the past few yrs, Marvel went a little apeshit, and EVERYONE was a mutant. Apparently, they want to get back to basics, where mutants were a small group which can be more easily persecuted. Not sure if they’re just gonna depower the muties or kill ’em…

-I hate to say it, but I think Bendis may actually suck now. I mean, he’s writing every book Marvel puts out. They have no regular shipping schedule. And, I’m kinda gettin’ tired of him..

-Finally got around to reading “Marvels”. It was NOT the tour-de-force epic that I’ve been hearing about for the past 10 yrs. Quaint little ditty, but it lacked something…

-“Infinite Crisis” has GOT to restart the DC timeline! Why do I say that? Too many things have happened recently that never should’ve:
1)Luthor knows Superman’s Identity
2)Checkmate knows EVERYONE’s Identities
3)Batman no longer has ANY foes
A) Joker is a broken amnesiac in a traveling circus
B) Two-Face reverted back to Harvey Dent
C) Poison Ivy-Dead
D) Riddler-MIA
E) Bane -reformed
F) R’as Al Ghul – Dead
G)Catwoman – reformed AND knows Bruce is Batman
H)Penguin moved to Bludhaven
I)Scarface -Dead
J)Man-Bat reformed and has a Kid-Bat

4)Did I mention that Jason Todd’s back? For real. Robin II has returned from the dead as The Red Hood II and, with the exception of Hush, is Batman’s only major villain.

-Alan Cumming probably wishes he’d kept his damn mouth shut. He was so excited when he learned that Bryan Singer was no longer directing “X3”. He went on record for several publications, stating how much he disliked working with the man, and how relieved he was that he wouldn’t have to repeat the experience. Well, Fox has decided not to pick up the renewal option in his contract. Which means that neither Mr. Cumming, nor Nightcrawler, will be seen in X-Men 3. Sometimes you’ve gotta wait before you gloat.

-Speaking of X3, the damn teaser poster’s already up in theatres. The movie ain’t even close to being done, and it’s not like they’re going to lack an eager audience. Yet, Marvel still felt it necessary to give you a 24×36 one-sheet of Wolverine’s claws. Thanks, Marvel. ‘Cause you guys make it SO easy for us to forget what Wolverine looks like…

-David Goyer announced he’s developing a “Blade” tv show for Spike. I wonder if Snipes is gonna try to sue…

OK, I think I’m done for now. Just needed to geek out for a minute…

07th Jul2005

Marvel Doesn’t Seem To Care About The Fantastic Four Movie

by Will

“I did punch a baby once…in anger. In my defense, the baby was being kind of a dick.”

What is with Marvel and their promotion of “Fantastic Four”?

This is NOT going to be a good movie, and I feel like Marvel knows this. You know why I say this? Because they simply dusted off their “X-Men” publicity and switched out the pictures.

Every press junket, every promo, every bit of publicity for this movie is just leftovers from “X-Men”. Right down to the premiere which, like “X-Men”, was on Liberty Island in NYC. Now, Liberty Island had meaning to the X-Men premiere, as anyone who’s seen the movie can attest. Is the Statue of Liberty a part of FF? Who knows, but I’m sure as Hell gonna rant about THAT if it turns out it is…

Why are you doing this, Marvel? I know that the Fantastic Four are “Marvel’s First Family” and all, but I don’t see this as a compelling movie. Part of the draw of FF is the family dynamic, which actually takes awhile to form. They just don’t fall in line. Sue and Reed get married, have that bastard, Franklin, and the familial ties begin to show. In the beginning, though, which is what the movie is based upon, they were just four fuck-ups who didn’t have sense enough to steer their shuttle away from the radiation…

02nd Jul2005

This Post Might’ve Been About My Mom…

by Will

“When you live with someone day after day, it’s easy to forget sometimes who they really are, and what they can do.

Then when you see it, when you’re reminded just what they can do…it’s a revelation.

People see me swinging around skyscrapers and they think I’m pretty special. But it’s not me. It’s her. It’s always been her.”

22nd Jun2005

Analysis Of The World’s Richest Fictional Characters

by Will

I thought this was pretty amusing:

It’s the Forbes Fictional Fifteen, or the wealthiest, most powerful fictional characters of pop culture.

Now, so we don’t have to waste any time on this, yes, they’re all a bunch of rich white guys. Deal with it. Society’s a cruel bitch sometimes, even in fiction.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I thought there were a few surprises.

You’re gonna have to show me how in God’s name Willy Wonka is worth more than Bruce Wayne. Although, I DO find it odd that the more money you have, the more you enjoy the company of young children..(See #’s 1, 2,3,4,6 & 7).

And Uncle Scrooge is worth more than Batman? Where’s the justice? Bruce Wayne IS Batman, while Scrooge PAYS Gizmoduck. I think it’s obvious who’s the real hero!

Actually, this list is from 2002, so a lot has changed. Excuse me, I’m about to “go geek” on ya.
You see, Lex Luthor became President (Yes, of the US) and then kinda went crazy. He disappeared and was presumed dead. During that time, Bruce Wayne swept in with quite the hostile takeover, assuming LexCorp and all of Luthor’s assets. So, you can add Luthor’s $4.7 billion to Wayne’s $6.3 billion, and you’ll see that Bats is actually #3 on the list.

I never really thought of Santa having money. I mean, when you’re magical, do you need money? How much is Gandalf worth?

I always thought Cruella and Burnsy were worth the same, but maybe that’s because of that Simpsons spoof where he assumed the Cruella role…

And the Thurston Howell fortune is questionable, especially depending on timetable. You see, for anyone who’s ever watched “Rescue From Gilligan’s Island”, you’ll know that they finally get off the island after being marooned for 15 yrs. Now, during that time, Howell was presumed dead and lost EVERYTHING. So, he’s got nothing. And to add shits to giggles, the morons commemorate the 1 yr anniversay of their rescue by taking ANOTHER boat ride. Guess what happens? They end up marooned on the same frickin’ island all over again. Man, they just don’t make good-bad TV like that anymore…

So the lesson to be learned here? There isn’t one. But if there’s one take-home message that i can give you, it’s “never underestimate the kindness of strangers.” Especiallly when you’re a moronic lost scout who has social-anxiety issues. C’mon, kid, you’re frickin STARVING! They had ATV’s for God’s sake! When has anything bad come on an ATV? All kids love ATV’s. Yup, there was something seriously wrong with that kid…