07th Jul2005

Marvel Doesn’t Seem To Care About The Fantastic Four Movie

by Will

“I did punch a baby once…in anger. In my defense, the baby was being kind of a dick.”

What is with Marvel and their promotion of “Fantastic Four”?

This is NOT going to be a good movie, and I feel like Marvel knows this. You know why I say this? Because they simply dusted off their “X-Men” publicity and switched out the pictures.

Every press junket, every promo, every bit of publicity for this movie is just leftovers from “X-Men”. Right down to the premiere which, like “X-Men”, was on Liberty Island in NYC. Now, Liberty Island had meaning to the X-Men premiere, as anyone who’s seen the movie can attest. Is the Statue of Liberty a part of FF? Who knows, but I’m sure as Hell gonna rant about THAT if it turns out it is…

Why are you doing this, Marvel? I know that the Fantastic Four are “Marvel’s First Family” and all, but I don’t see this as a compelling movie. Part of the draw of FF is the family dynamic, which actually takes awhile to form. They just don’t fall in line. Sue and Reed get married, have that bastard, Franklin, and the familial ties begin to show. In the beginning, though, which is what the movie is based upon, they were just four fuck-ups who didn’t have sense enough to steer their shuttle away from the radiation…

02nd Jul2005

This Post Might’ve Been About My Mom…

by Will

“When you live with someone day after day, it’s easy to forget sometimes who they really are, and what they can do.

Then when you see it, when you’re reminded just what they can do…it’s a revelation.

People see me swinging around skyscrapers and they think I’m pretty special. But it’s not me. It’s her. It’s always been her.”

22nd Jun2005

Analysis Of The World’s Richest Fictional Characters

by Will

I thought this was pretty amusing:

It’s the Forbes Fictional Fifteen, or the wealthiest, most powerful fictional characters of pop culture.

Now, so we don’t have to waste any time on this, yes, they’re all a bunch of rich white guys. Deal with it. Society’s a cruel bitch sometimes, even in fiction.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I thought there were a few surprises.

You’re gonna have to show me how in God’s name Willy Wonka is worth more than Bruce Wayne. Although, I DO find it odd that the more money you have, the more you enjoy the company of young children..(See #’s 1, 2,3,4,6 & 7).

And Uncle Scrooge is worth more than Batman? Where’s the justice? Bruce Wayne IS Batman, while Scrooge PAYS Gizmoduck. I think it’s obvious who’s the real hero!

Actually, this list is from 2002, so a lot has changed. Excuse me, I’m about to “go geek” on ya.
You see, Lex Luthor became President (Yes, of the US) and then kinda went crazy. He disappeared and was presumed dead. During that time, Bruce Wayne swept in with quite the hostile takeover, assuming LexCorp and all of Luthor’s assets. So, you can add Luthor’s $4.7 billion to Wayne’s $6.3 billion, and you’ll see that Bats is actually #3 on the list.

I never really thought of Santa having money. I mean, when you’re magical, do you need money? How much is Gandalf worth?

I always thought Cruella and Burnsy were worth the same, but maybe that’s because of that Simpsons spoof where he assumed the Cruella role…

And the Thurston Howell fortune is questionable, especially depending on timetable. You see, for anyone who’s ever watched “Rescue From Gilligan’s Island”, you’ll know that they finally get off the island after being marooned for 15 yrs. Now, during that time, Howell was presumed dead and lost EVERYTHING. So, he’s got nothing. And to add shits to giggles, the morons commemorate the 1 yr anniversay of their rescue by taking ANOTHER boat ride. Guess what happens? They end up marooned on the same frickin’ island all over again. Man, they just don’t make good-bad TV like that anymore…

So the lesson to be learned here? There isn’t one. But if there’s one take-home message that i can give you, it’s “never underestimate the kindness of strangers.” Especiallly when you’re a moronic lost scout who has social-anxiety issues. C’mon, kid, you’re frickin STARVING! They had ATV’s for God’s sake! When has anything bad come on an ATV? All kids love ATV’s. Yup, there was something seriously wrong with that kid…

19th Jun2005

The Fall Guy. The Answer Is The Fall Guy.

by Will

“We like to call him ‘The Louisville Smuggler’.”

So, for some reason, my Pop Culture powers amped up to the next level. So much, in fact, that I don’t believe most people would be able to understand what’s going through my head.

Case in point, lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about character actors. All those people who “you’d know ’em if you saw ’em”, but you don’t know their names. One of my favorites is Harvey Korman. If you don’t know who he is, just find an old episode of “The Carol Burnett Show” or watch a Mel Brooks movie (hint: he’s Headley Lamarr in “Blazing Saddles”).

Anyway, like I said, my mind is kinda warped right now, and I’m only thinking in riddles and analogies. Let’s see if any of you can figure this out:

“Jeffrey Tambor is to “Three’s Company” as Terry Kiser is to _________

Hint:There are several answers.

It’s OK, kids. You CAN use IMDB for this one….

19th Jun2005

Jump On One Couch, And The Earth Starts Shakin’!

by Will

“At Eastern Motors, where my job is my credit!”

Another CA earthquake? This just proves that God’s finally as sick of Tom Cruise as the rest of us…

14th Jun2005

Ninjas, Pride DC, MJ, and Natalie Holloway

by Will

Gonna steal Shel’s format for today since I like how it’s shaping up for her…

-So, the ice cream truck just drove slowly down my street, with the theme from “The Godfather” coming from its speaker. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a bad thing, right?

-The other week, while in DC, I saw the best/worse ploy for money EVER. This homeless guy held up a sign that read “Ninjas killed my family. Please give me money for Kung Fu lessons.”

-So, Pride DC just ended. Nothing screams “Equal Rights!” like a shirts-optional foam party at Apex. Man, if only MLK had thought of these tactics, Jim Crow wouldn’t have known what hit him…

-One morning a few months ago, this chick got on the bus, wearing a fur coat. Now, let’s break this down. I know my furs, and it was real. So, let’s point out the key parts of the story. A lady got on the BUS wearing a FUR COAT. And I thought to myself, “You’re wearing a car!” I mean, it’s the BUS. Not like you have to go out of your way to impress those people. And I’d rather wear a ratty Members Only jacket and drive a Focus than wear my fur on the Metrobus and get home smelling like nachos and B.O.

-“There is no such thing as a short sleeve dress shirt.” So true, GQ. So true…

-Well-played, MJ. Well-played, indeed. Now, if I even hear of you going near Children’s Tylenol, I will come over to Neverland and beat your ignorant, hard-headed ass. I am gonna beat it, and I won’t stop til I get enough. So, you can call Billie Jean if you want, but that would be bad. Why can’t you just like girls, Michael? Do you remember the time? Do ya? Have you forgotten the way you make them feel? There are many people like you, Jacks. You are not alone. But, lucky for us, most of them are IN JAIL or under surveillance. Now, when I see your old footage, well you give me butterflies. But this crazy-ass Willy Wonka behavior of yours makes me wanna scream! Just stop pressurin’ me!

_According to MSNBC, they’ve been using Viagra to cure kids with lung and respiratory issues. Oh, God bless the U.S.A.! Just like us to have little boys running around with hard-ons, breathing funny. God, it’s a slow news cycle!

-What is the deal with this Aruba chick! Yes, I can understand that her family wants her found, but I can’t remember the last time a search was this intense. I mean, is she carrying nuclear secrets or something?!! She’ll turn up. In recent years, they all have. Back in the 80’s, those kids got killed. But lately, turns out these chicks just go out for ice cream and forget to call home. For three months. Anyway, I hear Deep Throat knows where she is, and he’s got a press conference scheduled with US Weekly in about an hr…

-So, Jenn updated her site template again. More anime. To quote the great Gomer Pyle, “Surprise, surprise!” Don’t get me wrong; it’s a sharp site. It just seems a bit…cliche? Ya know, for a site that tries to break down all the stereotypes, she sure has a funny approach. Anyway, stay tuned for my “fried chicken and tap-dancing” redesign…

Anyway, I’m done. That season finale’s coming. Special guest stars galore. Well, not really. But, when it’s done, NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!!

Seacrest, out

30th May2005

My Mommy Doesn’t “Get” Children’s Programming

by Will

So, this conversation took place while Mommy and I were watching Spongebob today (don’t ask…)

Mommy: “What IS Spongebob? I never really understood that. What is the NEED for a Spongebob?”

About an hr later, when the Fantastic Four toy commercial comes on:

Me: “Ooh!!”

Mommy: “What is that?”

Me:” It’s the Thing, from the Fantastic Four!”

Mommy: “He looks terrible!”

Me: “He can’t help it. The radiation did it to him, when he was in space. He doesn’t want to look like that; he HATES how he looks.”

Mommy: “Well, that’s what he gets, then. He had no business messin’ in space anyway. I bet that’s one trip he’ll never forget!”

25th May2005

It’s Funny ‘Cause Bo Bice Looks Like Jesus!

by Will

I think my favorite part of tonight’s American Idol finale was when they gave Jesus the car.

Silly, producers! Don’t they know that he can fly?

Anyways…did y’all see that “Dukes of Hazzard” commercial? Yee-HAH! Oh, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

20th May2005

TV Stars In Marvel Movies & A Sequel To Sin City?

by Will

OK, I found 3 surprising entertainment tidbits today:

1) Kelsey Grammer’s gonna be Beast in X-Men 3? Come on, now! I know that he’s got the voice, but is this really a good idea? Patrick Stewart is notorious for being difficult on sets, as is Grammer. If Halle comes back in all her diva glory, nothing’s gonna get accomplished. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the reports of all the bitch sessions going on behind the scenes.

2) “That 70’s Show”‘s Topher Grace has just signed on as “Villain #2” in Spider-Man 3. He’ll be teaming up with Thomas Haden-Church (yeah, I could say ‘from “Sideways”‘, but I’m gonna keep it real and say ‘from “Wings”‘). At this point, nobody know which villains they’ll be playing. I kinda find it odd that they’d cast Topher as a villain. If anything, I think he’d be a good Spidey if Tobey starts complaining about money again…

3) They’re making a sequel to “Sin City”?!!! THAT piece of shit? They might as well make “Daredevil 2” while they’re at it…

11th Apr2005

They REALLY Should’ve Cast Kristin Davis…

by Will

“Kiss my shiny, metal ass!”

Will’s Mini Movie Review

Tonight: “13 Going on 30”

What to say about this movie?

Well, Jennifer Garner, “The World’s Prettiest Man”, does her best Kristin Davis impression in a poorly-written modernization of “Big”.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up. They should’ve just cast Kristin Davis, so I wouldn’t have spent so much time thinking, “God, Garner looks like a man!” Seriously, chick is pretty, but the chick is ripped. Just sayin…