19th Jun2005

The Fall Guy. The Answer Is The Fall Guy.

by Will

“We like to call him ‘The Louisville Smuggler’.”

So, for some reason, my Pop Culture powers amped up to the next level. So much, in fact, that I don’t believe most people would be able to understand what’s going through my head.

Case in point, lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about character actors. All those people who “you’d know ’em if you saw ’em”, but you don’t know their names. One of my favorites is Harvey Korman. If you don’t know who he is, just find an old episode of “The Carol Burnett Show” or watch a Mel Brooks movie (hint: he’s Headley Lamarr in “Blazing Saddles”).

Anyway, like I said, my mind is kinda warped right now, and I’m only thinking in riddles and analogies. Let’s see if any of you can figure this out:

“Jeffrey Tambor is to “Three’s Company” as Terry Kiser is to _________

Hint:There are several answers.

It’s OK, kids. You CAN use IMDB for this one….

19th Jun2005

Jump On One Couch, And The Earth Starts Shakin’!

by Will

“At Eastern Motors, where my job is my credit!”

Another CA earthquake? This just proves that God’s finally as sick of Tom Cruise as the rest of us…

14th Jun2005

Ninjas, Pride DC, MJ, and Natalie Holloway

by Will

Gonna steal Shel’s format for today since I like how it’s shaping up for her…

-So, the ice cream truck just drove slowly down my street, with the theme from “The Godfather” coming from its speaker. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a bad thing, right?

-The other week, while in DC, I saw the best/worse ploy for money EVER. This homeless guy held up a sign that read “Ninjas killed my family. Please give me money for Kung Fu lessons.”

-So, Pride DC just ended. Nothing screams “Equal Rights!” like a shirts-optional foam party at Apex. Man, if only MLK had thought of these tactics, Jim Crow wouldn’t have known what hit him…

-One morning a few months ago, this chick got on the bus, wearing a fur coat. Now, let’s break this down. I know my furs, and it was real. So, let’s point out the key parts of the story. A lady got on the BUS wearing a FUR COAT. And I thought to myself, “You’re wearing a car!” I mean, it’s the BUS. Not like you have to go out of your way to impress those people. And I’d rather wear a ratty Members Only jacket and drive a Focus than wear my fur on the Metrobus and get home smelling like nachos and B.O.

-“There is no such thing as a short sleeve dress shirt.” So true, GQ. So true…

-Well-played, MJ. Well-played, indeed. Now, if I even hear of you going near Children’s Tylenol, I will come over to Neverland and beat your ignorant, hard-headed ass. I am gonna beat it, and I won’t stop til I get enough. So, you can call Billie Jean if you want, but that would be bad. Why can’t you just like girls, Michael? Do you remember the time? Do ya? Have you forgotten the way you make them feel? There are many people like you, Jacks. You are not alone. But, lucky for us, most of them are IN JAIL or under surveillance. Now, when I see your old footage, well you give me butterflies. But this crazy-ass Willy Wonka behavior of yours makes me wanna scream! Just stop pressurin’ me!

_According to MSNBC, they’ve been using Viagra to cure kids with lung and respiratory issues. Oh, God bless the U.S.A.! Just like us to have little boys running around with hard-ons, breathing funny. God, it’s a slow news cycle!

-What is the deal with this Aruba chick! Yes, I can understand that her family wants her found, but I can’t remember the last time a search was this intense. I mean, is she carrying nuclear secrets or something?!! She’ll turn up. In recent years, they all have. Back in the 80’s, those kids got killed. But lately, turns out these chicks just go out for ice cream and forget to call home. For three months. Anyway, I hear Deep Throat knows where she is, and he’s got a press conference scheduled with US Weekly in about an hr…

-So, Jenn updated her site template again. More anime. To quote the great Gomer Pyle, “Surprise, surprise!” Don’t get me wrong; it’s a sharp site. It just seems a bit…cliche? Ya know, for a site that tries to break down all the stereotypes, she sure has a funny approach. Anyway, stay tuned for my “fried chicken and tap-dancing” redesign…

Anyway, I’m done. That season finale’s coming. Special guest stars galore. Well, not really. But, when it’s done, NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!!

Seacrest, out

30th May2005

My Mommy Doesn’t “Get” Children’s Programming

by Will

So, this conversation took place while Mommy and I were watching Spongebob today (don’t ask…)

Mommy: “What IS Spongebob? I never really understood that. What is the NEED for a Spongebob?”

About an hr later, when the Fantastic Four toy commercial comes on:

Me: “Ooh!!”

Mommy: “What is that?”

Me:” It’s the Thing, from the Fantastic Four!”

Mommy: “He looks terrible!”

Me: “He can’t help it. The radiation did it to him, when he was in space. He doesn’t want to look like that; he HATES how he looks.”

Mommy: “Well, that’s what he gets, then. He had no business messin’ in space anyway. I bet that’s one trip he’ll never forget!”

25th May2005

It’s Funny ‘Cause Bo Bice Looks Like Jesus!

by Will

I think my favorite part of tonight’s American Idol finale was when they gave Jesus the car.

Silly, producers! Don’t they know that he can fly?

Anyways…did y’all see that “Dukes of Hazzard” commercial? Yee-HAH! Oh, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

20th May2005

TV Stars In Marvel Movies & A Sequel To Sin City?

by Will

OK, I found 3 surprising entertainment tidbits today:

1) Kelsey Grammer’s gonna be Beast in X-Men 3? Come on, now! I know that he’s got the voice, but is this really a good idea? Patrick Stewart is notorious for being difficult on sets, as is Grammer. If Halle comes back in all her diva glory, nothing’s gonna get accomplished. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the reports of all the bitch sessions going on behind the scenes.

2) “That 70’s Show”‘s Topher Grace has just signed on as “Villain #2” in Spider-Man 3. He’ll be teaming up with Thomas Haden-Church (yeah, I could say ‘from “Sideways”‘, but I’m gonna keep it real and say ‘from “Wings”‘). At this point, nobody know which villains they’ll be playing. I kinda find it odd that they’d cast Topher as a villain. If anything, I think he’d be a good Spidey if Tobey starts complaining about money again…

3) They’re making a sequel to “Sin City”?!!! THAT piece of shit? They might as well make “Daredevil 2” while they’re at it…

11th Apr2005

They REALLY Should’ve Cast Kristin Davis…

by Will

“Kiss my shiny, metal ass!”

Will’s Mini Movie Review

Tonight: “13 Going on 30”

What to say about this movie?

Well, Jennifer Garner, “The World’s Prettiest Man”, does her best Kristin Davis impression in a poorly-written modernization of “Big”.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up. They should’ve just cast Kristin Davis, so I wouldn’t have spent so much time thinking, “God, Garner looks like a man!” Seriously, chick is pretty, but the chick is ripped. Just sayin…

11th Apr2005

Early Thoughts On The Upcoming X-Men 3

by Will

“Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?!!”

Nothing on the personal front this time, but BIG stuff is brewing, so stay tuned.

Anyway, this is more along the lines of “geek watch”.

Apparently, “X-Men 3” is slated to begin filming in Vancouver on June 15th, 2005. Now, while this is exciting, not ALL of the cast has signed on yet.

For instance, Halle’s bitching and moaning again, but Storm was useless to that franchise anyway.

But an interesting omission to the cast list is James Marsden, AKA Cyclops. He’s currently in Australia, playing a love interest for Lois Lane in “Superman Returns”. Now, normally, I’d just say, “Oh well, they’ve gotta move on. They’ll find some way around it.”

But X-Men 3’s main focus is the Phoenix Saga! The Frickin’ Phoenix Saga. Besides “Days of Future Past”, it is THE defining X-Men storyline of ALL TIME. It is the time-tested epic saga of love and loss between Cyclops and Jean Grey! How on EARTH could they pull this off without a Cyclops.

Now, I’ve never felt Marsden and Famke Jannsen had much chemistry, but they’re the “Redd & Slim” we’ve been given. So, are we looking at a recast, or will Jimmy be done with Superman? The nerd mind wonders and wanders…

06th Feb2005

RIP Ossie Davis

by Will

“Everybody’s changing, and I still feel the same…”

So, in a strange, unfortunate twist of events, it seems I must revisit a former post. You see, a few months ago, amidst a rant about Prince’s lack of acting skills, I made a reference to the oldest Black couple in Hollywood, Ruby Dee & Ossie Davis. Well, as I read the news on Friday morning, I was saddened to see that Mr. Davis had passed away. He was 87.

Do I take back what I said before? No, it was all true. But what saddens me is that the man was a staple of Hollywood, particularly for Black actors. He was doing this when we weren’t supposed to be doing this. And my heart, oddly enough, goes out to his wife; it’s common for the spouse to die within six months when death occurs at this age. I just hope she has her health and the support of her family.

So, farewell Ossie, and farewell to the oldest Black married couple EVER….Ya know, people always laugh when I say that, but in a way, it’s true. We’ve only been allowed to marry for so many yrs, and with hypertension, the Klan, and child support, Black unions don’t last too long. Now, when I talk like this people think I’m some bitter child of divorce, but that’s totally untrue. I challenge you to find me a Black couple married more than 60 yrs. I CHALLENGE YOU!!!

20th Jan2005

RIP Moesha’s Friend…

by Will

“Mo to the E to the…”

Wow, Lamont Bentley’s dead…Apparently, he simply drove off the San Diego Freeway? You Cali kids, does this happen? Are there no guardrails on that stretch of road?

For the uninformed, he played “Hakeem” on the hit UPN show, Moesha (Yeah, I’m being facetious….you ever heard “hit and “UPN” in the same sentence before? But I digress…)

Hakeem was the pesky best friend/neighbor of Brandy’s Moesha. He was a modern-day, urban (Hollywood’s way of saying “Black”) Eddie Haskell. Hey, the show was a contrived piece of shit, but it put food on Lamont’s table.

In an even sadder bit of the story, he played Tupac in the VH-1 biography of MC Hammer. Did y’all know Hammer and ‘Pac were friends? That was news to me! In fact, Hammer was apparently almost shot the night ‘Pac got killed. OK, I’m rambling again…

So, how will Hollywood be affected? It won’t. It’s sad to say, but true. This just kills any chance of a Moesha reunion, and in this day and age, I’m not even sure a death would prevent them from arranging that train-wreck-waiting-to-happen.

Anyway, I hope his daughters’ll be OK, and someone PLEASE find out how someone just drives off a freeway…