17th Jan2005

24, 7th Heaven, Blake-Holsey High, Elektra, Jason Mraz, and Keane

by Will

“I don’t need no instructions to know how to ROCK!”

Random Thoughts of the Past Few Days

-Dude, I really need to stop watching 7th Heaven! Mmm, Ruthie…STOP! I can’t go all R. Kelly!

-I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: 24 is THE BEST CONCEPT on television. This show never disappoints, even when it sucks (see Season Three). Either way, it’s the most original and riviting thing you’ll find these days. And Mrs. Araz is scaring the SHIT out of me. I hate to think I’m suffering from post-9/11 generalizations, but that’s one cold, scary bitch! And I knew Behrous wasn’t gonna have the balls to kill Debbie. Had no idea Mrs. Araz would, though…

-The best show you’re NOT watching? “Strange Days At Blake-Holsey High”. Yeah, you’ve never seen it unless you had a LATE friday night, which carried into Saturday morning, and you had nothing else to watch. Basically, it’s about the strange things that happen at this elite boarding school. There’s a pseudo-Ghostwriter team that investigates all the weird goings-on. The catch is that the show is part of Discover Kids, so they find ways to sneak in science lessons without being heavy-handed about it. By the end of the episode, you’ve gained more clues in the ongoing saga of the vortex at the school, but you also know that a DNA helix curves to the right, and that some checmical compounds are mirror images of each other…

-Jamie Foxx won a Golden Globe?!!! Man, if you’d told me that 15 yrs ago, I’d had have slapped you across the mouth. Ya know, I’ll bet Kenan Ivory Wayans is KICKING himself! He creates In Living Color to showcase his own siblings, while bringing a couple stragglers along for the ride. Now, fast forward 12 yrs. Jim Carrey’s a $20 million-a-movie star, Jamie Foxx is winning awards, and the most popular Wayans weren’t even On In Living Color (Well, Shawn was SW-1, but the DJ don’t count!). Honestly, the weirdest part of the In Living Color mythos, to me, was that Alexandra Wentworth (AKA “The White Girl”) ended up marrying George Stephanopolous. That must’ve been SOME wedding reception! Anyway, with the way things are going, next thing you know, David Allen Grier will be doing Shakespeare…

-Anybody out there seen Elektra? Starring Jennifer Garner, AKA “The World’s Most Beautiful Man”. I swear, she’s alluring, but she’s not “pretty”. I’ve blogged about this before, but I don’t think it’s more apparent than in the role of Elektra. I think I liked her most in “13 Going on 30”, where she’s all awkward and gangly, but still has a cuteness about her…

-Did anyone out there actually LIKE “I Am Charlotte Simmons”? It seems like Tom Wolfe’s latest novel is THE book to hate right now. I have it sitting on a shelf, but the thing is friggin huge. I don’t know whether to read it or use it to crush cats to death (Yes, Shel..cats truly are evil!).

-Jason Mraz is really worth checking out. Before, I just kinda liked “You and I Both”, but all of his stuff is great. he’s even edging out John Mayer on my list. Especially since there are only so many times I can stand to hear “Daughters” on a given day…

-THE ALBUM to buy, though, is “Hopes and Fears” by Keane. I can’t get over how great an album this is. Looped it like 6 times last night. I give every disc a “one-through”, and usually it languishes in its little slot in my binder, never to be listened to again. But I haven been listening to this disc since November, and it doesn’t get old. Mainly, if you like “thinkin’ music” that’s not as whiny as emo, and has a lot more piano, this is the group for you.

25th Dec2004

It’s From “White Christmas”…

by Will

“God bless the mister

who comes ‘tween me

and my sister.

And God bless the sister

who comes ‘tween me and my man!”


13th Dec2004

A Whole Bunch Of H&M Shit You Don’t Care About & The Return of Natalie

by Will

“Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.”

Seeing as how it’s the holiday season, from now until Christmas, I’m going to start each day’s post with a quote from one of my favorite Christmas movies. Try to guess this movie; I dare ya!

For you newcomers, my friend & archnemesis, Tarek Sultani AKA “The Singing Bush”, has decided to wage a cybernetic war against me. At first, I laughed at his feeble attempts. But, I’ve got to admit: the bastard’s funny! Plus, I read on his site that my own girlfriend has joined his ranks in pursuit of my downfall!! Pretty soon, this blog is going to turn into my daily account of how they “almost got me”!

By the way, Jenn’s not dead. OR James has found a way to post to Jenn’s site AS Jenn. Either way, I’m still suspicious…

Now, down to the nitty-gritty.

I hate my job. Yes, i’ve said this before, and I know some of you are thinking, “Wow, it’s been awhile since a good ‘I hate my job’ post was on this site!” Well, here it is. Yeah, training was a hoot, and I LOVED the Doubletree, but as many of you know, I HATE CHANGE. When I came back to my store, it was like someone had recast my entire show! People were missing, people were leaving. Didn’t really like the new people. It was one big fashion-retail clusterfuck!

The old faithful sales assts are hitting the road, while all of these new colorful characters are coming out of the woodwork. PLUS, we’ve got new managers. Now, sales assts are one thing, but managers are in charge. These are people I HAVE to listen to.

As for the new department managers, the great, underrated Elvis hit, “In the Ghetto” comes to mind. I mean, when the Hell did H&M become Job Corps? Every time I come to work, I expect metal detectors and a surprise visit from my parole officer! By the day, I’m losing more and more respect for H&M’s current hiring practices.

OK, I’m being a snob….but it’s deserved! My main problem is that these chicks are coming here, not even trying to learn how we do things. Instead, they wanna shake shit up, without having a strong foundation. “Frankie says ‘relax’.” They really need to be “watchers” before they become “doers”

Now, remember how i got a promotion? Well, apparently, so did some other guy. New to the company. Seems like they double-booked the position. So, we both have it, which seriously affected my raise because it limited our budget. Either way, I have a partner, and this ain’t “Lethal Weapon”! There’s no buddy-cop vibe here. In fact, they schedule us at different times so there’ll be no real confrontation. Which sucks because we do the same tasks in completely different ways. We’re gonna spend most of our shifts cleaning up after each other . I knew about this guy when he finished training. I was told, “Oh, he’s just gonna fill in until you finish your training.,” I knew it was too good to be true. Smelled fishier than a Taiwanese whore (wow…). So, I get back to my store, and they’re like , “Yeah…Kevin’s coming back next week.” This puzzled me until I just kinda forgot about it. Then, this morning happened.

Yolanda came in and said, “We have 2 ‘new’ people coming back today.”

“Who are they?”

“Oh, Kevin…the other admin. And Natalie.”

Yup, you read that correctly. That star of MANY a summer’s blog returned to work today. Does that bother me? No. I’m am doing OK, and I couldn’t explain that whole saga if you asked me to. You’ve gotta admit: it WAS good readin’. Other than that, that’s all I got. So, no, it’s no big deal. But it WAS the most awkward day that I’ve had in some time. Having to deal with Natalie and Kevin on the same day…I was having a SERIOUS “case of the Mondays”.

So, I also learned that on top of the new admin responsibilities, I’m STILL the Sr. Sales Asst in the Men’s Dept! How the fuck am I supposed to do all of this? I’ll BET Kevin’s making the same thing I am, and he’s not got all this shit to worry about. I LOVE the Mens Dept. i do. Honestly, I miss the days of simply running racks and dealing with JAP-bitch customers. Plus, did I mention that one of the hoodrats is my new Men’s manager? I haven’t had a Dept. Manager in 6 months!!!! That dept was MINE. No interference. it was a fucking Free Zone. Now, I have to answer to someone I don’t even respect?!! I’m sorry, as long as this chick says “Aks” instead of “Ask”, I can’t look at her with a straight face. “Let me aks you sump’n.” HAhaha…see what i mean? She even makes me e-laugh! This is gonna be a LONG winter. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m worth more than this. Not even in a “spiritual” sense. Economically, I’m WORTH more than this!!! I’m not money hungry, but eventually you have to call a spade a spade. Very confused and lost… I leave you with the great Sam Cooke:

“It’s been a long
long time comin’
But I know
A change’s gone come
Oh, yes it will.”

23rd Oct2004

The One Where I Tear Apart The African Heritage Movie Theatre

by Will

You ever had something you really needed to say, but KNEW you shouldn’t even open your mouth. I’m at that point now. Something’s been bothering me for years, and I just have to talk about it. I’ve gotta warn that this is my “Bill Cosby Goes Apeshit on His People” speech, so if you’ve got a weak stomach, scroll down to where I talk about comics or something. I just know the Council’s gonna take away my rhythm and love of chicken…

First off, Black people need to make better movies. This mess is unwatchable. You see, about 10 yrs ago, some corporate entity created the “African Heritage Movie Theatre”, where each month, some syndicated station shows a movie that’s supposedly “important to our heritage”. Well, Black folks don’t exactly have a “Citizen Kane” to be proud of, so the bar was set a bit lower. When the whole program started, you might get “Coffy”, or on a good day, “Cooley High”. But over the yrs, they’ve been moving through the decades. As the yrs rolled on, the quality got worse.

Plus, as some kind of bastard caveat, each movie has a cameo by Ruby Dee and/or Ossie Davis. You see, these two are, somehow, the oldest married Black couple alive. If you can’t tell, Black marriage survival rates ain’t the best, you know, with divorce, abandonment, and hypertension running rampant. So, Ruby and Ossie were like the first black actors or something. And how cute? They ended up getting married. So, for some reason, every Black movie from the past 40 yrs has them in some capacity, even if Ossie plays “garbageman #3”. I think it’s in the contract for every movie: “Find a role for Ruby or Ossie!” So, to cap off this cute little nothingness, Ruby and Ossie host each presentation of the African Heritage Movie Theatre. And it’s so damn cheesy. Ruby’ll say something like, “In this next scene, watch for the garbageman. I thought he was such a hunk!” and then Ossie will follow up with something like, “Oh, go on, now!” Such trifling married banter. But I’ve gotten off-topic.

Bad Black movies. Why can’t we make a good, entertaining, substantial film, without the Wayans’ involvement, and without a Snoop cameo? I had no life in high school, so I’ve watched this mess since the beginning. On a good Saturday, I might’ve gotten “The Color Purple”. But not anymore. Today, I got “Graffiti Bridge”, with Prince and Morris Day.

Now, let me say that “Purple Rain” was a good Prince movie. But there is NO such thing as a good Morris Day movie (Yes, I KNOW he was in “Purple Rain” Forget about that for the moment). In fact, I’ve spent the last few years trying to even understand Mr. Day’s popularity. So, Morris was the poison of this film. That, and the fact that it’s Prince during his religious kick. Which brings me to my next off-color remark: Black people have an interesting interpretation of the Bible.

Prince, or TAFKAP, or “The Artist”, has ALWAYS oozed sex, but even at his holiest, he couldn’t give up the women. I’ve noticed over time, and this is NOT a blanket, groundless generalization, that in the Black community, adultery isn’t really looked at as a “sin”, per se. It’s more of a “that nigga done fucked up.” It’s less about what God’s gonna do to you, and more about what “yo’ baby mama’s” gonna do. I’ve always found that strange. It’s like everything in the Bible pertaining to sex, Black people seem to have regarded as “Oh, that’s something The Man put in there to keep us down!’ I’ve never been able to get down with such devout pick-and-choose religion. If you’re unsure about something that major, then you’re unsure about a lot of the tenets. But don’t act like you’re on your way to Glory as you’re scanning the club for easy prey… Wow, that was kinda preachy.

But please, just make some good movies. ‘Cause one of these days, I’m gonna have to spend time with my kids. You know, it’s gonna be court-ordered and shit, so I’ll HAVE to do it. And what easier way to kill time than watch TV? On the path we’re traveling, it’s only a matter of time before ‘Soul Plane” is deemed worthwhile to our heritage. I’m sorry, but Mo’nique squeezing into a stewardess uniform ain’t really gonna enhance the Civil Rights Movement in any shape or form…

But wait, there’s more! Black people, please stop marrying ugly people. I swear, it’s like Black ugly people are seeking out other ugly people, and it’s bad for our future. Just look at the Jet or Ebony society pages. For the uninformed, Jet is that magazine that hangs out next to Soap Opera Digest, you know, with all the Black people on the cover. Half of these brides look like horses, while the guys just look like they’re glad they chased down SOMEBODY. But let’s look to the future. These creatures are going to have offspring, and two wrongs do NOT make a right! Let’s nip this in the bud. Stop ugly intermarriage.

Man, I went too far today….

12th Oct2004

Will West: Porn Namer

by Will

Am I the only one who thinks “Pandora’s Box” would be a GREAT name for a porn movie? Hey, I was just wonderin’…

11th Oct2004

The “Superman Curse” and the Death of Christopher Reeve

by Will

The Death of Superman

You know, it’s almost 12 yrs to the day that fanboys everywhere were astonished by this storyarc. Now, life imitates art…

First, allow me to get the tasteless remarks out of the way: Nature has spoken. Batman outlived Superman. I’ll bet, somewhere, Adam West is lighting up a big cigar, saying to himself, “Well, I’ll be damned!”

On to the eugooglies…You know, I really can’t do this. I can’t do it because anyone who knows me knows that I hate Superman. I could go on and on about how he made us “believe a man can fly”, but those movies were hokey. And let’s be honest: you can’t name anything noteworthy, acting-wise, outside of the Superman franchise that Christopher Reeve did. And as you can see, when that Superman Curse gets ya, it really BITES YOU IN THE ASS!! Dean Cain got off the easiest ’cause “Lois and Clark” only started and ended his acting career. But poor Chris Reeve…he just couldn’t catch a break.

So, what I CAN say is that Christopher Reeve seemed like a nice guy. And after the equestrian incident, he was always a crusader. I can’t really vouch for “Superman” ’cause I live in Gotham, but I can say that the world HAS lost a nice man and a courageous fighter.

P.S. Tom Welling, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!

10th Oct2004

John Byrne Thinks Sue Storm Is A Whore

by Will

So, John Byrne, who along with Chris Claremont, was a member of the most influential X-Men creative team, is weighing in on the casting of Jessica Alba as Sue Storm in the “Fantastic Four” movie:


Above is the link to his forum, but the main quote that’s gotten everyone riled up is this:

“Personal prejudice: Hispanic and Latino women with blond hair look like hookers to me, no matter how clean or “cute” they are. Somehow those skin tones that look so good with dark, dark hair just don’t work for me with lighter shades. Like I said — personal prejudice.”

So far, all the white fanboys are agreeing with him, yet the minorities are offended. For anyone new to this, comics is just as prejudiced a hobby a golfing. Your stereotypical fanboy is some pasty, antisocial white kid living in his parents’ basement. Now, the audience HAS gotten more diverse over time, but we’ve still gotta deal with stuff like this getting around. Yeah, he’s entitled to his opinion, but it’s a shame he’s so…careless with it. It’s like he doesn’t realize how bad this statement sounds. And, as always, everybody’s chiming in with “I agree with The Master!” Well, “The Master” has a history of rubbing his colleagues the wrong way, and I fear this is gonna alienate many fans, as well…

05th Oct2004

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

by Will

Rest in peace, Rodney Dangerfield. You’ve always had my respect…

04th Oct2004

Jude Law: Hardest Working Man In Hollywood

by Will

OK, I know I’m not going crazy. But Jude Law is in EVERY movie being released these days!!! Are there no other actors in Hollywood? There’s “Alfie”, ‘Sky Captain”, “I *heart* Huckabees”, and the movie with him & Natalie Portman…And I thought Ben Stiller was greedy..

30th Sep2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 I

by Will

Running Commentary of Debate ’04 I

Wow, Kerry finally grew some balls! I think this is the first time he’s ever said he was out to kill the terrorists. Before, he was fickle, but he’s after Osama, too.

Plus, gotta say, CBS had the best reaction shots, and they did not favor W too well. He was looking like a baby who’d shit his diaper when Kerry plopped his goods right on the table (being figurative here for those who missed the debate!)

Kerry simply took notes during his down time, while W has a very peculiar “default” look whenever he’s not required to speak…

Also LOVED when Kerry accused W of outsourcing to Afghan mercs to find Osama when we, the most powerful military force in the world, were the most capable of getting the job done.

Kerry “spoke so well” ’cause he finally had a stance, while W simply played defense. Didn’t learn much more about the W camp than we already knew, but we got good intel from Kerry…

W waited a full 15 mins to attack Kerry for voting FOR the war. I DO, feel that, now that Kerry’s acknowledged he’s anti-terrorist, he’s doing a lot more “Osama hiding.” That’s when you scapegoat Osama for all the shit in the world. Lack of school funding? Blame the terrorists. Your kid lost his soccer game? Osama probably had something to do with it. Kerry’s really hiding behind Osama, almost as much as the Republican party, which kind of adds to his “flip-flop” reputation…

Best part was when W asked how Kerry was gonna pay for all the anti-terrorist protection. He turned into that smarmy kid who always sits at the back of the classroom. Involed a lot of shrugging and head cocking. I can’t even describe it. You just had to see it… He capped it off by slinging another “Old West” style threat at the terrorists…

Gotta love when W has to say pronounce a foreigner’s name. You always get the feeling that he almost didn’t get it out. He’s always going the “Hooked on Phonics” route, as he sounds it out…

Kerry comes off as a politician, while W makes me feel like he’s trying to sell me a car. And he knows it ain’t the best car, but he’s doing his damnedest to make sure I drive off the lot in it today…

Kerry…big words, but I’m not sold. I’m not sure he beleives what he’s saying. It sounds like he’s done a good job memorizing and rehearsing. While, W seems like he had np prep at all. Just kinda slingin’ babrs when he hears something he doesn’t like…

Gotta say, I’m loving W’s “Can you believe this shit?” face that he wears whenever Kerry’s speaking….

Kerry seems to be pushing the right buttons, which may ’cause W to veer from the script, giving the networks that “Oh Shit!” moment they’re so desperately waiting for…

“You forgot Poland”? Wow, he’s getting desperate…

W just “ummed” a little too much to sound intelligent. He’s running out of steam. He’s on the ropes. He’s starting to sound like your old senile uncle at the family reunion who starts telling a story, and eventually loses his train of thought, causing his to spout a bunch of nonsense before trailing off….

Wait a minute…where did this W summit come from? I haven’t heard him mention a summit until Kerry did. Did W just gank the summit idea from Kerry before our very eyes?!!!

I’ve got it. W’s “default” face looks like Dana Carvey when he’s playing The Church Lady…

Well, you heard it here first: W doesn’t approve of changing positions. I wonder how Laura feels about this…

Nice touch, Kerry. “Do not confuse the war with the warriors.” That’s something everyone needs to remember…

Eww..Kerry just did a website plug. That’s kinda tacky….

Don’t really believe Kerry when he vows to “hunt and kill the terrorists”. W’s always got that glint in his eye when he says it. You don’t F with a glint! But Kerry…he’s gotta practice in front of the mirror between now and November…

“Pottery Barn Rule” That’s cute….

I swear, I haven’t heard freedom bandied about as a tangible good this much since I watched all those episodes of “G.I.Joe”…

Wow, Kerry just pulled a “Clinton”. While W was getting riled, Kerry popped a sly grin at somebody in the audience. Somebody better keep an eye on his cigars….

W’s getting all squinty. You know he’s in troublee when the squinting starts…

Uh-oh, W’s going after the Nerd Vote by knocking the notion of “international popularity”…

Hehe, he can’t pronounce “peninsula”….

Ohh…that was a good 4 seconds of silence….

Still saying “nucular”. You’d think someone would’ve corrected him by now. It’s been FOUR YRS!!!

Kerry’s done his homework. Very impressive…

W’s getting whiny…

I’m sorry, but $200 million ain’t that much money, in terms of aid. Hell, it cost Kevin Costner more than that to make “Waterworld”…

W’s rambling again….loaded, fake compliments. Oh yeah, YALE SUCKS!

“You can be certain and be wrong.” So true…

Stop riding coattails, W!

Not digging the redneck pronunciation of “Vladimir”…

“Putin” still makes me laugh when I hear it…

“I’m a pretty calm guy…I don’t take it personally…” You lie!

Why is it, during his closing statement, Kerry reminded me of a cracked-out, alternate reality version of Jay Leno? Yes, I’m weird, OK?

“We will fight the terrorists around the world…” Once again, that’s the same promise “G.I.Joe” used to make. Now, I know where the Bush camp is getting its motivation!

Eww…W just asked for our vote…just as tacky as Kerry’s website plug


For polish, tact, and diplomacy, I say Kerry


For passion, moxie, and sheer entertainment, I say W

So, we’re just gonna have to shelve this and go for best 2 out of 3!

To be continued….