05th Oct2004

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

by Will

Rest in peace, Rodney Dangerfield. You’ve always had my respect…

04th Oct2004

Jude Law: Hardest Working Man In Hollywood

by Will

OK, I know I’m not going crazy. But Jude Law is in EVERY movie being released these days!!! Are there no other actors in Hollywood? There’s “Alfie”, ‘Sky Captain”, “I *heart* Huckabees”, and the movie with him & Natalie Portman…And I thought Ben Stiller was greedy..

30th Sep2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 I

by Will

Running Commentary of Debate ’04 I

Wow, Kerry finally grew some balls! I think this is the first time he’s ever said he was out to kill the terrorists. Before, he was fickle, but he’s after Osama, too.

Plus, gotta say, CBS had the best reaction shots, and they did not favor W too well. He was looking like a baby who’d shit his diaper when Kerry plopped his goods right on the table (being figurative here for those who missed the debate!)

Kerry simply took notes during his down time, while W has a very peculiar “default” look whenever he’s not required to speak…

Also LOVED when Kerry accused W of outsourcing to Afghan mercs to find Osama when we, the most powerful military force in the world, were the most capable of getting the job done.

Kerry “spoke so well” ’cause he finally had a stance, while W simply played defense. Didn’t learn much more about the W camp than we already knew, but we got good intel from Kerry…

W waited a full 15 mins to attack Kerry for voting FOR the war. I DO, feel that, now that Kerry’s acknowledged he’s anti-terrorist, he’s doing a lot more “Osama hiding.” That’s when you scapegoat Osama for all the shit in the world. Lack of school funding? Blame the terrorists. Your kid lost his soccer game? Osama probably had something to do with it. Kerry’s really hiding behind Osama, almost as much as the Republican party, which kind of adds to his “flip-flop” reputation…

Best part was when W asked how Kerry was gonna pay for all the anti-terrorist protection. He turned into that smarmy kid who always sits at the back of the classroom. Involed a lot of shrugging and head cocking. I can’t even describe it. You just had to see it… He capped it off by slinging another “Old West” style threat at the terrorists…

Gotta love when W has to say pronounce a foreigner’s name. You always get the feeling that he almost didn’t get it out. He’s always going the “Hooked on Phonics” route, as he sounds it out…

Kerry comes off as a politician, while W makes me feel like he’s trying to sell me a car. And he knows it ain’t the best car, but he’s doing his damnedest to make sure I drive off the lot in it today…

Kerry…big words, but I’m not sold. I’m not sure he beleives what he’s saying. It sounds like he’s done a good job memorizing and rehearsing. While, W seems like he had np prep at all. Just kinda slingin’ babrs when he hears something he doesn’t like…

Gotta say, I’m loving W’s “Can you believe this shit?” face that he wears whenever Kerry’s speaking….

Kerry seems to be pushing the right buttons, which may ’cause W to veer from the script, giving the networks that “Oh Shit!” moment they’re so desperately waiting for…

“You forgot Poland”? Wow, he’s getting desperate…

W just “ummed” a little too much to sound intelligent. He’s running out of steam. He’s on the ropes. He’s starting to sound like your old senile uncle at the family reunion who starts telling a story, and eventually loses his train of thought, causing his to spout a bunch of nonsense before trailing off….

Wait a minute…where did this W summit come from? I haven’t heard him mention a summit until Kerry did. Did W just gank the summit idea from Kerry before our very eyes?!!!

I’ve got it. W’s “default” face looks like Dana Carvey when he’s playing The Church Lady…

Well, you heard it here first: W doesn’t approve of changing positions. I wonder how Laura feels about this…

Nice touch, Kerry. “Do not confuse the war with the warriors.” That’s something everyone needs to remember…

Eww..Kerry just did a website plug. That’s kinda tacky….

Don’t really believe Kerry when he vows to “hunt and kill the terrorists”. W’s always got that glint in his eye when he says it. You don’t F with a glint! But Kerry…he’s gotta practice in front of the mirror between now and November…

“Pottery Barn Rule” That’s cute….

I swear, I haven’t heard freedom bandied about as a tangible good this much since I watched all those episodes of “G.I.Joe”…

Wow, Kerry just pulled a “Clinton”. While W was getting riled, Kerry popped a sly grin at somebody in the audience. Somebody better keep an eye on his cigars….

W’s getting all squinty. You know he’s in troublee when the squinting starts…

Uh-oh, W’s going after the Nerd Vote by knocking the notion of “international popularity”…

Hehe, he can’t pronounce “peninsula”….

Ohh…that was a good 4 seconds of silence….

Still saying “nucular”. You’d think someone would’ve corrected him by now. It’s been FOUR YRS!!!

Kerry’s done his homework. Very impressive…

W’s getting whiny…

I’m sorry, but $200 million ain’t that much money, in terms of aid. Hell, it cost Kevin Costner more than that to make “Waterworld”…

W’s rambling again….loaded, fake compliments. Oh yeah, YALE SUCKS!

“You can be certain and be wrong.” So true…

Stop riding coattails, W!

Not digging the redneck pronunciation of “Vladimir”…

“Putin” still makes me laugh when I hear it…

“I’m a pretty calm guy…I don’t take it personally…” You lie!

Why is it, during his closing statement, Kerry reminded me of a cracked-out, alternate reality version of Jay Leno? Yes, I’m weird, OK?

“We will fight the terrorists around the world…” Once again, that’s the same promise “G.I.Joe” used to make. Now, I know where the Bush camp is getting its motivation!

Eww…W just asked for our vote…just as tacky as Kerry’s website plug

AND THE WINNAH!!!!

For polish, tact, and diplomacy, I say Kerry

BUT

For passion, moxie, and sheer entertainment, I say W

So, we’re just gonna have to shelve this and go for best 2 out of 3!

To be continued….

26th Sep2004

Thought I Had Something In Common With James Dean

by Will

“I never thought I’d live to see eighteen. Isn’t that dumb? Every day, I look in the mirror and say, ‘What? You Still here? Man!’

Like even today. I woke up this morning, you know? And the sun was shining and everything was nice, and I thought…this is going to be one terrific day, so you better live it up, boy…because tomorrow maybe you’ll be gone.”

-James Dean

Rebel Without A Cause

04th Sep2004

Shaolin Soccer Is My Homeboy

by Will

My new favorite movie (yes, I realize I have a new fave movie every week these days) is “Shaolin Soccer”. At first, I thought this thing was crap. I didn’t really get it, and I thought it would be a little more…dramatic.

But come on, how can you make a dramatic movie about a bunch of former kung fu students who form a soccer team? I mean, this has “Jamaican Bobsled Team” written all over it!

After watching this thing more than 3 times over the past week, it has joined the ranks of “Office Space”. Yes, folks. I said it. I put “Shaolin Soccer” in the same league as “Office Space”. May the gods of comedy strike me down where I sit.

OK, the plot of the movie follows: Sing is a Kung Fu master who has studied the Super Kick of his hero, Bruce Lee. Sing sees Kung Fu all around him, and he feels that humanity would be better served if everyone could embrace Kung Fu in their lives and see how it is simply everywhere.

Sing struggles to find a way to spread the gospel of Kung Fu to the masses, and stumbles upon Iron Leg, a former soccer great who is now crippled and working as a servant for the nefarious coach of Team Evil, who is also the one who crippled him yrs ago. Desparate to make his mark on the world of soccer once again, Iron Leg is astounded when he witnesses Sing’s awesome kick.

Sing becomes convinced that soccer is a good vehicle to get Kung Fu out to the masses, and he and Iron Leg set out to recruit his now-out-of-shape Kung Fu brothers. Hilarity ensues…

The special effects can be kinda “Matrix-y” at times, which most people seem to love. I think my only gripe is the fact that the ball is SO obviously CG at times. I mean, some of that stuff can’t be done with a soccer ball, and I guess I should be thankful that there’s technology that can get the job done. Also, some of the effects are very “Power Rangers” in caliber. Don’t get me wrong, PR effects have improved by leaps and bounds over the years, so we’re talking more PR: Wild Force than we are MMPR.

Anyway, go out and rent this movie. It’s definitely got an absurd bent that I do so love. I guess it’d be more fitting for me to put it in the same category as “Napoleon Dynamite”, but I figured I needed to name a movie everybody loved, like “Office Space” to convice you to check it out. So check out “Shaolin Soccer” now, bitch!

30th Aug2004

An Analysis Of Sex Techniques: DC vs. Marvel

by Will

I know I vowed I was taking a break, but Hell, Cher’s Farewell Tour has been going on for 3 yrs, so I think I can get away with this. Conversation with Lip, Special Guest Star: Shelly.

The conversation started with Lip and I discussing the blossoming romance between Batman & Wonder Woman on “Justice League Unlimited”. Soon afterward, it simply spun out of control…

Me: ” still can’t believe that chick is a virgin. it’s just so wrong. someone should be tapping that, i don’t care if she WAS made out of clay”

Lip: “yeah…Superman should be all up in that. She’s the only woman who can handle the force of him blowing his load”

Me: “bah. nobody’s ever gonna let that go…stupid “Mallrats”… yet no one ever talks about Spidey…he’s got radioactive sperm. MJ can’t handle that”

Lip: “I don’t think his sperm is radioactive”

Me: “his blood is…or what about the Hulk? he’d rip betty banner apart upon orgasm… or Mr. Fantastic. he prolly let’s loose like a runaway firehose…poor betty banner… poor invisible woman…. and poor MJ”

Lip: “the Hulk would only do that if he was the Hulk at the time… not if he was Bruce Banner”

Me: “but, psychologically, there’s a thin line between pleasure and pain. i think, upon orgasm, he’d hulk out and rip her open”

Lip: “I don’t think so…he only Hulks out when he gets angry… and, unless he’s having some angry sex, I doubt that would happen”

Me: “you’ve never had angry sex?”

Lip: “not really… I’ve had intense, apartment-shaking sex, but never really angry sex”

Me: ” it’s a BIG possibility. i say he splits her like a log… and i take it you agreed with my mr. fantastic analysis?”

Lip: “yeah…Mr. Fantastic would be crazy in bed with a woman”

This is the point where I let Shelly in on the whole thing.

Me: “I’m having a conversation so weird even I’m ashamed of it. A friend and I are discussing superhero sex. Ever since that “Mallrats” conversation, everyone’s so wrapped up about Superman. Frankly, I think the Hulk would be a LOT worse. He’d hulk out and split Betty wide open.”

Shelly: “Wow…that’s an image that’s gonna haunt me for at least the next few minutes…”

Me: “LOL…glad to be of service”

Shelly: “Dude, totally Wolverine…”

Me: “Wolverine? Nah..underneath, he’s really a lover..”

Back to Lip, Me: “Shelly’s weighing in now. she thinks wolverine would be a terror in bed.. i told her i think he’s a lover underneath”

Lip: “Nah, he’d be all into S&M and shit…I mean…claws? regeneration? give me a break”

Me: “he’s a lover”

Lip: “bah, bs”

Me: “a taiwanese whore, he’d tear up. jean grey? it’d be sweet, sweet lovemaking”

Lip: “Nah…that would be one of those 3 hours sex sessions”

Me: “she’d be all in his head… that’d be a meta-orgasm… he’d probably have a stroke if not for the healing factor”

Lip: “and with his regeneration….he could go on FOREVER”

Is it just me, or did that come across as a REALLY weird segment of “Loveline”? Lip was totally Dr. Drew-ing all my ideas. The weirder it got, he somehow remained the scientific voice of reason…I’m a bigger dork than i ever realized. And I love that I have friends just as sick and twisted! I know this is gonna be the basis for a subpoena or something one day…

06th Aug2004

Chillin’ Wit Friends

by Will

So, I saw “Napoleon Dynamite” with a friend today. Hilarious movie, but definitely not for everyone. It’s absurd. There’s no real sense to it, but it’s great. I definitely recommend it. This summer’s had a great track record for movies. I’ve loved every one that I’ve seen so far, many of them becoming all-time faves. Now, let’s hope those DVDs start coming out soon. I gots to own my “Anchorman”!

This evening, I went down to VA for Applebee’s with Lip. It was good seeing him ’cause the bastard’s been jetsetting around the friggin coast for the past month. Anyway, since the ‘Bees was our place @ Cornell, it was only fitting that we find one in this region. Let me tell you this: Ithaca was ripping us off. We never got as much food at that one as we did tonight. My burger was the size of a fucking baby! And I ain’t talking premie. Hell, after getting drunk off 2 mudslides, and our traditional boneless buffalo wings, I couldn’t eat my meal! I’ve never been more ashamed of myself…in a situation involving food!

So, back at his apt, he introduced me to the Hazzard’s hit, “Gay Boyfriend”, which I’m starting to think is an inspiration to all of my exes. Close, but no cigar. I guess I was just too metro…

We were rushing to make the last train, but alas, we were 10 mins to late. Lip drove me home, which was a lifesaver!

05th Aug2004

Comic Wisdom Via Spider-Man 2

by Will

“Sometimes, to do right, we must give up the things we want most…even our dreams.”

Uncle Ben, Spider-Man 2

29th Jul2004

Bill Clinton: Always Entertaining

by Will

“I am a War President! I sit in the Oval Office, making important decisions, all the time with WAR ON MY MIND!”

-who do you think?

I swear, I missed the Clinton years because that man was an entertaining gentleman. He was a Playa’s Playa. But now, I find The Replacement to be just as entertaining, but in a comedic sort of way. Great comedic timing. Too bad he was being serious….

Anyway, I’d kinda like Clinton & Bush to team up. Just think about it. It’d be like “48 Hours” or “Fastlane”.  I call it “Bushwhacked!” Don’t forget the exclamation point; that’s a very important part of the title! A good “buddy cop” scenario. One guy would be busy chasing skirts, while the other is the tough-as-nails take no guff, “bad cop”, who’s hell-bent on getting his man. Wow, that’d be a great show. Too bad it won’t happen….Well, who knows what’ll happen after November? After all, there was talk of Clinton having his own daytime talkshow at one point. Man, it would’ve sucked for the former POTUS to get stomped by Oprah in the ratings. Either way, I’d look closely at UPN’s next Fall lineup if I were you. You never know what might pop up…

29th Jul2004

Batman Begins Trailer

by Will

Batfans, I give you the future. That’s right, bitches… the trailer is up!

http://batmanbegins.warnerbros.com/