09th Jul2004

I REALLY Wanna See “1 Night In Paris”…

by Will

Am I wrong for wanting to own “1 Night In Paris?” At least , see it?!!! I haven’t seen it, nor have I seen the R. Kelly tape, and I gotta tell ya, I feel left out in the cold!

How is pop culture guru supposed to be at the top of his game if he hasn’t seen the source of the latest sex scandal?!! Now, I missed the R. Kelly tape, I’m missing out on Paris, and now I hear about this Cameron Diaz tape. Was EVERYONE in need of money? How did they NOT think these things would surface? And here I am, like a perv, trying to track them down…

05th Jul2004

*Groan*…

by Will

So, I have a new “celebrity” crush, and I’ve actually met her, so she’s “real”. Here’s the catch, though.

I found her blog online, and she mentions that she doesn’t believe in God. Now, I know that’s a weird criterion for me to have at this age, and it’s just a crush, but I couldn’t really see myself with someone who doesn’t believe in God. My reasoning may surprise you.

If I’m with someone who doesn’t believe in God, then who is she going to be calling out to? Who is she gonna be screaming for? And if she’s yelling, “Oh God, Oh God!”, then, well folks, I think we’ve got an actress on our hands!

Sick and twisted, I know….

04th Jul2004

Diet Coke Can’t Just Make *ANYBODY* Cool…

by Will

Can someone tell me when exactly Adrian Brody became the cool, badass soul brotha that everyone on the block wants to hang out with?!! I guess Diet Coke knows something I don’t….

30th Jun2004

The Best Comic Book Movie Of All Time

by Will

So, saw Spider-Man 2 today. All I can say is WOW. I’ve always said that the first Spider-man was “The Best Comic Book Movie Of All Time”. I was wrong. Spidey 2 now holds that distinction!

I LOVED the opening sequence where the main plot points of the first movie are conveyed through Alex Ross’s artwork. I hate Alex Ross, ’cause I’ve heard nothing but accounts of him being an asshole, but the man does have a right to be. There’s no competition in his realm; he is THE painter in the world of comics. Photographs couldn’t have told the story better than his scenes, so I felt that was definitely an incredible aspect of the movie.

I can’t even get into what makes it great, but it’s the fact that we’ve all been or are Peter Parker. The everyman whose life just doesn’t go as he’d wish. We all make promises we intend to keep, but things just get in the way. The only difference is that we, as real people, don’t have as good an excuse for these faults as Peter does.

Anyway, great story. Really felt for Alfred Molina. He’s just a guy who had a passion for science, and in his pursuit of a dream, lost everything he held dear.

Still hate Kirsten Dunst. She’s the worst part of the franchise. And is it in her contract that she MUST be wet and bra-less @ least once a movie? Most guys wouldn’t complain, but I’m tired of this frumpy snaggle-tooth being forced in my face as a “sex object”. Hell, whoever plays Betty Brant is MUCH hotter that Kirsten Dunst.

Is it just me, or do we ALL know a “Harry Osborn”? Some privileged kid who wants nothing more than to fit in and be successful, but ends up pushing people away because of false bravado and theatrics? Cornell was full of them…

I also loved the cameos, like “Queer As Folk”/”I Love The ’80s” star Hal Sparks in the hilarious elevator scene. Or “Chappelle’s Show’s” Donell Rawlings (“Man, he stole that guy’s pizzas!”) Or Joy Bryant cheering Spidey along. And of course, the obligatory Stan Lee “I’m here ’cause I created this f-ing character” cameo. All of these were unnecessary, but as a pop culture guru, they added to my experience.

My only gripe is that Raimi seems to fixate on obnoxious themes each time around. The first movie had all the forced post-9/11 “Don’t F— with NYC” imagery. This movie has a “Godzilla -B Movie” feel to it whenever someone screamed. You had the “Look @ Camera.Freeze.Scream. Run Towards Camera Screaming” scenario. Especially in the hospital scene. The whole Terrified New Yorker role was HIGHLY exaggerated, but it didn’t take much away from the movie. Now, the countdown begins for Spidey 3 in May 2007.

I wonder why no one approached Raimi to breathe life into the Batman franchise. I swear, Spidey is really edging Bats off my hero list. If Chris Nolan disappoints me with “Batman Begins”, I’m scrapping my Bat Signal and using the parts to build web shooters (For you non-comic readers, Spidey actually has mechanical webshooters for his webs; unfortunately, Hollywood thought it’d be better if the webs came out of HIM for the movies, hence why you have no idea to what I’m referring.)

28th Jun2004

Guess It’s Better Than Looking Like Aaron Spelling…

by Will

Am I the only one who noticed that The Wayans Bros, in “White Chicks”, look just like Tori Spelling?!!

17th Jun2004

Callboy Engagements, The Boss?, The Lemon-Lime Union, “Planned” Parenthood?, and Hater Gal Pals

by Will

Random Things That Have Been On My Mind Today:

-So, it seems that ALL of Next Call are engaged! Seeing as how they’re only about 3 and 4 years older than me, it’s kind scary. Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy for the guys, but it’s like some weird longitudinal study coming to a head. I swear, like 8 of ’em got engaged in the past 2 months. Is there some race I don’t know about? Is this one of those Callboy traditions y’all forgot to tell us at the Chariot? Someone explain this to me!

-What exactly is Bruce Springsteen “The Boss” of?!!

-Why are lemon and lime always bunched together? What bastard did this to them? Now, it seems that they’re inexplicably linked, with no lives of their own. What if lime wants to go solo? Did anyone ever think of that?

-Why is it called “Planned Parenthood”? I’ve yet to hear of anyone going there because of a “planned” event. But I guess, “Shit, it broke!” or, “Damn, I ain’t even got my GED” wouldn’t look as professional on a sign…

-Girls, do NOT go shopping with your friends. I don’t care how long you’ve known them, or how much you’ve been through. Bottom line: your friends are bitches. They may act like they like you, but they only like you a little less than they like themselves. You’ll never be equal. Case in point. When shopping, so many girls’ll tell their friends: “You look GREAT in that! It’s SOOO Cute.” No, it’s not. She just wants to look better than you, and she’s ensuring that by exploiting your vulnerability. Most of the time, that dress just really accentuates your rolls or your “Christmas package”. You know what I’m talking about. It’s that region you hate most about yourself. And this dress doesn’t hide that. But Jill won’t tell you. Oh yeah, Jill’s also been going down on your boyfriend. Who’re you gonna look cute for now?!!

-Excelsior! to Marvel Enterprises! After a rough decade, y’all have finally gotten out of bankruptcy. With Spider-Man 2 coming in a few weeks, things can only get better. Yet, with all the shittier movies you’re planning, like Man-Thing, Iron Man, and Elektra, I’m sure we’ll be hearing another bankruptcy announcement in a few more months…

13th Jun2004

I Kinda Want An Uppity Negro Shirt…

by Will

Someone needs to tell James that it’s June and NOT May. His blog seems confused. Oh wait…I guess that means he’s gotten lazy again. Well, if he were around, he’d probably want you to visit http://www.uppitynegro.com . The site sells t-shirts with ironic messages, such as “ungrateful negro” and “uppity negro”. Each shirt has meaning, but the company’s owner doesn’t feel that the White world can grasp the emphasis of her message. In fact, she refuses to sell her wares to White customers until she’s spoken with them, and understands that they have an understanding of the Black struggle.

Now, I’m not much for politics. Well, I’m not much for VOCAL politics. If you really know me, then you know my views, but I’m not gonna take up much blog space getting ’em out. I DO, however, feel this is an interesting company, plus I like the design of the merchandise. The shirts have been seen on Dave Chappelle, Spike Lee, and others. Click on over and check it out. I don’t know, but something about this site feels very “James Lamb” to me. It’s a shame I’ve gotta do his dirty work for him! WTF?!!

04th Jun2004

Creed…Breaking Up?

by Will

What a day, what a day…

Yes, Mr. Lohan, your daughter’s hot. But that doesn’t mean you can go around hitting people. It just ain’t right.

And Creed’s breaking up? But who’ll sing for Jesus? Who will trumpet The Almighty’s return across adult contemporary radio? What does this mean for the Rapture? Nickelback and P.O.D. are nowhere near ready to take over the mantle. The mind is puzzled, and the heart is concerned…

04th Jun2004

My War On Harry Potter Explained

by Will

If there was ever a risk of the Nerd population being in danger, tonight is the night. You see, the horn-rimmed elite will all be huddled together in one place: The opening of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Why do I criticize Potter fans so? Well, in case I haven’t written about this before (it’s been a year, so I’m starting to forget all my rant topics), I HATE HARRY POTTER. I think JK Rowling is a hack. I don’t see anything original about this franchise. In fact, I feel all of her ideas are culled from the classic works of Roald Dahl (“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”, “Matilda”, “James and the Giant Peach”). Dahl died a pauper, and a suspected child molester, while Rowling is wiping her butt with hundreds (which are in pounds, not dollars, so it’s a lot more than you think it is!).

Wow, beans that taste like anything! Great job, JK. You ever had a gobstopper in your life?!! Plus, who cares if they taste like anything? “Oh no, this one tastes like grass!!” Real original, you British twit.

Harry’s introduction to Hogwarts is a complete reinterpretation of Charlie’s introduction to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

Wow, Harry’s aunt and uncle treat him like shit. Boo, hoo, hoo! In “Matilda”, her parents treated her like shit until…wait, she discovered she had magical powers. Sound familiar?

I also hate what the HP franchise stands for. Initially, it was commendable if only for the sole fact that it was getting children to read. The first batch were those NPR kids, whose hippy parents wouldn’t let them watch TV, so it was a preferred form of entertainment. Next came the soccer moms, and the busy professionals reading on their commutes to work. Soon, HP Mania spread across the land. But why? Ok, they’re decent reads, but why ain’t I seeing a Hardy Boys movie in the works? Or the Boxcar Children? To me, that’s the level HP is on.

I also hate that the franchise has sold out. As I said before, it inspired people to read. But to make movies, they’re cutting out the middle man. Sure, the vast majority of people are gonna do the whole read/watch comparison. But many people are just gonna wait for the movies. Then, Mattel got the license to produce HP action figures. The HP brand gained momentum simply by appealing to the no TV, no action figure crowd. Now, all of a sudden, there are HP action figures! That’s like opening the country club up so the ghetto kids can have a run of the place: Yeah, it might sound nice in theory, and be a pretty sweet tax write-off, but you’re still gonna be picking up cans of grape soda for weeks to come. What I’m saying is that, yeah, you’ve got a franchise that now appeals to everyone, but does that cause the HP franchise to lose integrity? Also, why the Hell is it so popular? It’s becoming the literary equivalent of Apple Jacks: You ask anyone why they love HP, and they simply reply, “We just do, that’s all.”

Well, I guess it’s good to know that crack now comes in more forms than rock and powder ’cause I see this as the same thing. Y’all enjoy your addictions for now, but it’s only a matter of time before Rowling kills Harry in the last book, leaving you jonesing for a fix, and finally realizing she’s nothing but a children’s John Grisham: she’s feeding you shit you’ve shat before and you’re too dumb to realize it.

And don’t worry, Mr. Dahl. I’m still lauding your praises. I know you didn’t touch those kids…

27th May2004

Answering Austin’s Trivia Questions

by Will

Hey Austin,

Zeta was voiced by Gary Cole on “Batman Beyond” and Diedrich Bader on “The Zeta Project”, which means the movie they starred in together was none other than “Office Space”, which may be the best movie of all time.

As for Christian Bale, I’m not sure how I feel. I HATE the suit (previewed in EW 3 weeks ago), but I haven’t seen enough of his stuff to have an opinion. Hell, I kinda liked Clooney, so that shows how credible I am when it comes to “Batman” portrayals.

Anyway, keep that trivia coming! Anyone can jump in. Just e-mail me, or put a msg in my guestbook! I simply can’t be stumped! 😛