17th Jul2004

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever – A Review

by Will

I’m going to venture into territory I don’t much explore: the movie review.

Tonight’s victim: “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever”
Let me just say that this is a very good bad movie. What do I mean? I mean, as far as bad movies go, this one does a great job of being a bad movie. It’s so bad, you have to like it, just for the facts that A) someone had the audacity to film it and B) some studio head was coked out of his mind enough to buy it. Kinda like “Center Stage”…man, did that movie try hard!

Let’s see..what’s this movie about? Well, Antonio Banderas is a former special agent, reinstated to bring in Lucy Liu, who’s believed to be some kind of crazy killer. After a whole bunch of plot twists, it becomes “Ecks Teams Up With Sever”, without the predictable romantic subtext. In fact, very little chemistry develops between the two due to Lucy’s 20-line limit in the movie. I swear, if she got standard union rate, Lucy Liu only made about $5,000 from this movie.

Best line of the movie: “Some women buy shoes…” Trust me, it makes sense if you hate your life enough to watch this movie.

Best part of the movie: Sever kills Darth Maul. I don’t care what Lucy’s character’s name is, she’s always “the bitch from Ally McBeal”. Talk about typecast. Anyway, during this scene, all I could think was, “I’ll bet Callista Flockhart awkwardly walks around the corner any minute!”

Asian-American director, Kaos, does a great job downplaying the obvious minority stereotypes, yet this time PC=crappy movie. Sorry, Kaos.

Now, don’t get me wrong. As much as I’m bashing this thing, understand that I still enjoyed it. In fact, I want a sequel! Call me a glutton for punishment. I think they could milk a trilogy out of this! Then again, I’m the guy who’s still waiting for a sequel to “Super Mario Bros”! I mean, c’mon, the friggin’ Princess needed their help again!

Speaking of bad movies, why do studios load DVDs with useless special features? My biggest gripe is when they list “interactive menu” as a special feature. I mean, isn’t that a pre-req of the DVD format? And how “interactive” can it get? They might as well just say “responds to remote control button press”. This little gem of a movie had the balls to include a “making of” featurette. Nothing quite like watching the creation of a bad movie, following said bad movie. Of course, everyone’s thinking, “I wonder what the hell that guy was thinking?” Well, here it is. Now you know, and everyone’s laughing ’cause they all “had such fun filming this movie”. I’d have fun too if I was being paid millions for MY shit.

17th Jul2004

Marvel vs Disney

by Will

I’m beginning to think Marvel Enterprises LOVES the courtroom. They’re involved in so much litigation, I’m surprised they haven’t tried to make a comic/movie franchise out of their trials. First, Marvel sues Sony. Then, Stan Lee sues Marvel. Now, the big one….

Marvel vs. Disney!

This is like “Allah vs. God”. There’s no real winner here, since they’re both guilty of similar transgressions, and they both seem poised for world domination. Although, Disney never seems to lose these kinds of affairs.

Apparently, when Disney bought ABC Family from Fox and Haim Saban, Marvel got screwed over since Disney got to continue to show Marvel programming, such as the Spider-Man , X-Men & Hulk cartoons. At the same time, Disney got tons of mileage out of these shows, while preferring to promote shit like Beyblade; basically Disney only promoted Disney shows. Well, Marvel wants it’s cut. And, frankly, they deserve it. But I don’t know if Disney’s gonna see it that way. Meanwhile, Haim Saban’s wiping his ass with twenties, still wondering how such a whacked-out concept like “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” (I still love you, baby!) made him a billionaire…

09th Jul2004

Sounds A Lot Better Than “iMesh”…

by Will

I think BET, or VIBE, or The Source should create a file-sharing program and call it “Soulsearch”. Watch someone steal this idea from me in the next few months….

09th Jul2004

I REALLY Wanna See “1 Night In Paris”…

by Will

Am I wrong for wanting to own “1 Night In Paris?” At least , see it?!!! I haven’t seen it, nor have I seen the R. Kelly tape, and I gotta tell ya, I feel left out in the cold!

How is pop culture guru supposed to be at the top of his game if he hasn’t seen the source of the latest sex scandal?!! Now, I missed the R. Kelly tape, I’m missing out on Paris, and now I hear about this Cameron Diaz tape. Was EVERYONE in need of money? How did they NOT think these things would surface? And here I am, like a perv, trying to track them down…

05th Jul2004

*Groan*…

by Will

So, I have a new “celebrity” crush, and I’ve actually met her, so she’s “real”. Here’s the catch, though.

I found her blog online, and she mentions that she doesn’t believe in God. Now, I know that’s a weird criterion for me to have at this age, and it’s just a crush, but I couldn’t really see myself with someone who doesn’t believe in God. My reasoning may surprise you.

If I’m with someone who doesn’t believe in God, then who is she going to be calling out to? Who is she gonna be screaming for? And if she’s yelling, “Oh God, Oh God!”, then, well folks, I think we’ve got an actress on our hands!

Sick and twisted, I know….

04th Jul2004

Diet Coke Can’t Just Make *ANYBODY* Cool…

by Will

Can someone tell me when exactly Adrian Brody became the cool, badass soul brotha that everyone on the block wants to hang out with?!! I guess Diet Coke knows something I don’t….

30th Jun2004

The Best Comic Book Movie Of All Time

by Will

So, saw Spider-Man 2 today. All I can say is WOW. I’ve always said that the first Spider-man was “The Best Comic Book Movie Of All Time”. I was wrong. Spidey 2 now holds that distinction!

I LOVED the opening sequence where the main plot points of the first movie are conveyed through Alex Ross’s artwork. I hate Alex Ross, ’cause I’ve heard nothing but accounts of him being an asshole, but the man does have a right to be. There’s no competition in his realm; he is THE painter in the world of comics. Photographs couldn’t have told the story better than his scenes, so I felt that was definitely an incredible aspect of the movie.

I can’t even get into what makes it great, but it’s the fact that we’ve all been or are Peter Parker. The everyman whose life just doesn’t go as he’d wish. We all make promises we intend to keep, but things just get in the way. The only difference is that we, as real people, don’t have as good an excuse for these faults as Peter does.

Anyway, great story. Really felt for Alfred Molina. He’s just a guy who had a passion for science, and in his pursuit of a dream, lost everything he held dear.

Still hate Kirsten Dunst. She’s the worst part of the franchise. And is it in her contract that she MUST be wet and bra-less @ least once a movie? Most guys wouldn’t complain, but I’m tired of this frumpy snaggle-tooth being forced in my face as a “sex object”. Hell, whoever plays Betty Brant is MUCH hotter that Kirsten Dunst.

Is it just me, or do we ALL know a “Harry Osborn”? Some privileged kid who wants nothing more than to fit in and be successful, but ends up pushing people away because of false bravado and theatrics? Cornell was full of them…

I also loved the cameos, like “Queer As Folk”/”I Love The ’80s” star Hal Sparks in the hilarious elevator scene. Or “Chappelle’s Show’s” Donell Rawlings (“Man, he stole that guy’s pizzas!”) Or Joy Bryant cheering Spidey along. And of course, the obligatory Stan Lee “I’m here ’cause I created this f-ing character” cameo. All of these were unnecessary, but as a pop culture guru, they added to my experience.

My only gripe is that Raimi seems to fixate on obnoxious themes each time around. The first movie had all the forced post-9/11 “Don’t F— with NYC” imagery. This movie has a “Godzilla -B Movie” feel to it whenever someone screamed. You had the “Look @ Camera.Freeze.Scream. Run Towards Camera Screaming” scenario. Especially in the hospital scene. The whole Terrified New Yorker role was HIGHLY exaggerated, but it didn’t take much away from the movie. Now, the countdown begins for Spidey 3 in May 2007.

I wonder why no one approached Raimi to breathe life into the Batman franchise. I swear, Spidey is really edging Bats off my hero list. If Chris Nolan disappoints me with “Batman Begins”, I’m scrapping my Bat Signal and using the parts to build web shooters (For you non-comic readers, Spidey actually has mechanical webshooters for his webs; unfortunately, Hollywood thought it’d be better if the webs came out of HIM for the movies, hence why you have no idea to what I’m referring.)

28th Jun2004

Guess It’s Better Than Looking Like Aaron Spelling…

by Will

Am I the only one who noticed that The Wayans Bros, in “White Chicks”, look just like Tori Spelling?!!

17th Jun2004

Callboy Engagements, The Boss?, The Lemon-Lime Union, “Planned” Parenthood?, and Hater Gal Pals

by Will

Random Things That Have Been On My Mind Today:

-So, it seems that ALL of Next Call are engaged! Seeing as how they’re only about 3 and 4 years older than me, it’s kind scary. Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy for the guys, but it’s like some weird longitudinal study coming to a head. I swear, like 8 of ’em got engaged in the past 2 months. Is there some race I don’t know about? Is this one of those Callboy traditions y’all forgot to tell us at the Chariot? Someone explain this to me!

-What exactly is Bruce Springsteen “The Boss” of?!!

-Why are lemon and lime always bunched together? What bastard did this to them? Now, it seems that they’re inexplicably linked, with no lives of their own. What if lime wants to go solo? Did anyone ever think of that?

-Why is it called “Planned Parenthood”? I’ve yet to hear of anyone going there because of a “planned” event. But I guess, “Shit, it broke!” or, “Damn, I ain’t even got my GED” wouldn’t look as professional on a sign…

-Girls, do NOT go shopping with your friends. I don’t care how long you’ve known them, or how much you’ve been through. Bottom line: your friends are bitches. They may act like they like you, but they only like you a little less than they like themselves. You’ll never be equal. Case in point. When shopping, so many girls’ll tell their friends: “You look GREAT in that! It’s SOOO Cute.” No, it’s not. She just wants to look better than you, and she’s ensuring that by exploiting your vulnerability. Most of the time, that dress just really accentuates your rolls or your “Christmas package”. You know what I’m talking about. It’s that region you hate most about yourself. And this dress doesn’t hide that. But Jill won’t tell you. Oh yeah, Jill’s also been going down on your boyfriend. Who’re you gonna look cute for now?!!

-Excelsior! to Marvel Enterprises! After a rough decade, y’all have finally gotten out of bankruptcy. With Spider-Man 2 coming in a few weeks, things can only get better. Yet, with all the shittier movies you’re planning, like Man-Thing, Iron Man, and Elektra, I’m sure we’ll be hearing another bankruptcy announcement in a few more months…

13th Jun2004

I Kinda Want An Uppity Negro Shirt…

by Will

Someone needs to tell James that it’s June and NOT May. His blog seems confused. Oh wait…I guess that means he’s gotten lazy again. Well, if he were around, he’d probably want you to visit http://www.uppitynegro.com . The site sells t-shirts with ironic messages, such as “ungrateful negro” and “uppity negro”. Each shirt has meaning, but the company’s owner doesn’t feel that the White world can grasp the emphasis of her message. In fact, she refuses to sell her wares to White customers until she’s spoken with them, and understands that they have an understanding of the Black struggle.

Now, I’m not much for politics. Well, I’m not much for VOCAL politics. If you really know me, then you know my views, but I’m not gonna take up much blog space getting ’em out. I DO, however, feel this is an interesting company, plus I like the design of the merchandise. The shirts have been seen on Dave Chappelle, Spike Lee, and others. Click on over and check it out. I don’t know, but something about this site feels very “James Lamb” to me. It’s a shame I’ve gotta do his dirty work for him! WTF?!!