05th Dec2004

The Final Countdown!

by Will

You know a song that makes me crack up?

“The Final Countdown”, by Europe!

I swear, this has got to be the most BOMBASTIC song I’ve ever heard. All that fanfare over NOTHING. What the Hell are they even counting down to? It has got to be the gaudiest, most synthesizer-laden, stadium rock anthem ever created.

But, I swear…hearing that opening riff, ALWAYS makes me crack up. Like, “Uh-oh, it’s Final Countdown time….guess I’d better be scared or something.”

05th Dec2004

How Are All These Hippies Affording iPods?

by Will

It’s been awhile, but I think there’s a new conspiracy afoot.

Have you ever noticed that the crunchiest of the hippies, who shun The Man, Corporate America, and deodorant, all have ipods? I mean, these people are rarely net-savvy and hate most things technological. They ain’t rich, living purely off granola and sweat, yet somehow they’ve scrounged together the $299 for an mp3 player?!!!

Are they receiving some kind of secret funding? Do they have some secret method of obtaining free ipods? Are they making their ipods out of hemp?

And what are they listening to? Old peace rally chants? The Communist Manifesto?

Someone enlighten me.

25th Nov2004

Harry Gregson-Williams Is My War Soundtrack

by Will

This goes out to all my serious gamer friends (Tarek, Austin, James, Davis…I’m looking at you guys!).

So, I’ve always said, “If you want me to go to war and kill for my country, you’d better have the theme from A) Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty or B) the Justice League playing in my helmet.”

Sounds stupid? Maybe. You can have your Taps & your Star Spangled Banner; in my opinion, there are no two songs that instill a greater sense of duty and honor in me. It may sound crazy, but if you’ve ever seen the opening sequence to MGS2, then you know what I’m talking about.

If you’re familiar with the work of Harry Gregson-Williams, then you’ll know he’s a composer who’s used to garnering emotional response in unusual places. After all, he composed the score for Team America. No, not the songs, but the background music. Remember the “Dicks, Assholes, and Pussies” speech at the Film Actors Guild gala? You probably weren’t listening to the music, but that was him. Say what you will about that movie, but you KNOW you were moved by that scene (Guess who I’m looking at now, Shorty).

So, if you’re still sitting there, thinking, “Will has finally lost his mind”, then I’ve got two things to say to you: 1) If you saw Marion Barry sing karaoke in a gay bar, you’d be questioning your sanity, too and 2) PLEASE download the Metal Gear Solid 2 theme or “Metal Gear May Cry”, which is an AWESOME remix of the MGS2 theme and the them to Devil May Cry.

After you’re done, I’ll meet you down at the enlistment office. What’s that you say? We’re in the middle of a war?!! Well, fuck that noise then. I’m gonna go watch “Platoon” or something…

22nd Nov2004

Marion Barry and the Gay Bar

by Will

“Watch out, ’cause here I come. It’s been awhile, but I’m back in style!”

Today’s Episode: “Oh No He Didn’t (Oh, YES He Did)!”

A little backstory: I’ve got a couple of friends at H&M who’ve never received “the blog treatment” before. Anyway, Juwan and Bruce are fellow retailers-in-arms, and we tend to have a good time whenever we’re at work together.

So, last night was Bruce’s birthday & he was throwing himself a party at the Banana Cafe. Well, I didn’t really know what to expect, but NOTHING could’ve have prepared me for what the night would bring. NOTHING.

I swear, folks…you’ve read some wacky shit on this site before, but NONE of it holds a candle to this crazy night in SE Washington…

So, a friend and I decided to go together ’cause we didn’t really know where the place was. Let’s see…2 sheltered kids in S.E. DC. I guess we figured they couldn’t kill us both, right? Strength in numbers, and all that jazz…

The party started at 6, but we didn’t roll in until around 10. Bruce was way drunk, bless his heart! He was glad to see us, as he led us inside. Apparently, it was Karaoke Night @ the Banana. So, he leads us up the stairs, and what do we find? A room full of young, Black gay guys. They weren’t all gay, but you couldn’t swing a dead cat in the room without hitting one. Now, when I say this, I don’t mean it in a derogatory sense at all. I say it ’cause I have never seen a room so CHOCK FULL OF BLACK GAY GUYS!!!

I think what struck me, too, was that it wasn’t all stereotype. It wasn’t like the “Men on Film” guys from “In Living Color” (Wow, I’m seriously dating myself here). Instead, it was an array of NBA jerseys and denim jackets. They looked like they were in a G-Unit video or something.

Anyway, my friend and I kinda look at each other; the White Chick & The Straight Guy. We were basically a bad UPN sitcom waiting to happen. But, what the Hell? We’re there to have fun, right? So, we get to the bar and Juwan’s drunk, too. I mean, DRUNK. But it was cute. He was kinda stumbling around. Every so often, he’d yell “Aw, this is my JAM!” and start dancing.

So, we’re drinking our SoCo & Cokes, getting settled, taking it all in. As I look around the room, I kinda start to feel like the last rib at a Black cook-out. There were all these eyes on me, ranging from “What’s he doing here?” to “Where’ve you been all my life, playa?” Now, for you frequent readers, you know that I tend to find myself in these situations ever so often. But this was only the TIP of the iceberg. Let the craziness begin:

A few minutes after we get our drinks, Bruce comes over and whispers, “Y’all will NEVER guess who that is over there!”

I ask who he’s talking about, and he points to a table near the window. Brace yourselves, folks

 

“That’s Marion Fuckin’ Barry!!!”

I look over and, “Holy shit, that IS Marion Barry!”

Yes, the crack-smoking DC mayor-for-life was sitting right there, about 10 feet from me. For all you uninformed, he’s that guy that Chris Rock loves to make fun of. I swear, he’s been milking that routine for 10 yrs….

Anyway, at the table sat Marion Barry and the cheapest, Sandra Clark imitation hoochie I have ever seen in real-life. This is one of those chicks who was clearly an escort. Not a hooker, but an escort. What’s the difference, you ask? Well, a hooker is someone you just pay for sex, while an escort is someone you pay to be seen with you. She might have sex with ya later, but that’s gonna cost extra.

Also, allow me to say that the good mayor looks like SHIT. I mean, during his recent campaign, there was talk of how bad his health was, but I had no idea it was THIS bad. The poor thing looked WRECKED…

“I’m gonna go say ‘hi’,” I said, as I rushed over to the table. Not really knowing what to say to a world-renowned figure, I offer my hand and say, “Congratulations, sir.” Hell, I didn’t really know WHAT, specifically, I was congratulating him on. Was it his recent election win? Was it his ability to find a woman to come out with him tonight? Was it the mere fact that he’s still alive? Damned if I know. I just figured such a phrase would make him feel good about himself or some shit.

He gave me a limp handshake and kind of mumbled something. I figured it was a pearl of wisdom from a man who’d clearly enjoyed a colorful life and career. “I beg your pardon?” I responded. Once again, he mumbled something. I leaned closer and asked, “What?” The third time, I heard him: “Do I have to go up to the bar, or will they come to the table?” Yup, that’s what the old fool asked me. I kinda stammered: “Uh…they’ll come to the table…..Did you need anything?” Yup, I was gonna buy old Marion a drink, but he just kinda waved me away. Yes, the good mayor and I were about to become enemies…

So, I decided to sing something, while Bruce & Juwan chilled on one of the couches. The first song was “A Song For You”, sung by the Temptations, but better known as a Ray Charles song. Surprisingly, the crowd seemed to like it, or they were just blowing sunshine up my ass.

When I was done, all of us kinda hung out together, the whole time trying to figure out how the Hell we ended up in a gay bar with Marion Barry?!!! But wait kids, there’s more!

It turns out Marion’s skank wanted to sing, too. How to describe her… Well, she was wearing an all black catsuit, with a chain around her waist. She thought she was cute, and Marion seemed proud to have her on his arm. That chick had the audacity to try to sing a Mary J. Blige song, and I don’t think she hit a single note in the song. But she was just smiling and singing like she thought she could sing. Marion decided to get a closer seat, but as I’ve said, he’s a bit out of sorts these days. As he started to sit down, his chair was tipping over and almost spilled him onto the floor. If someone hadn’t caught it from behind, he’d have fallen and I KNOW he wouldn’t have been able to get up! So, he sat there, drinking his drink, watching his girl. A couple of the divas decided to help her out ’cause she just wasn’t doing that song justice. When she finished, Marion smiled and clapped.

The entire time, we’re drunk, off in the corner, asking, “Is that REALLY Marion Barry?!!!’ Juwan would scream out, “Why is he HEEERREE?!!!” Bruce came back over, and I asked if Barry was a regular there. His response: “I ain’t never seen his crack-smokin’ ass around here before!” Barry’s like 4 feet away, mind you. I cringe and say, “He’s right there! He can here you!!!!” Bruce replied, “I don’t care! He knows what he is!”

So, the night continues on, and the drinks keep flowing. I decide to sing another song, but what to sing? Well, I went for the “ringer approach” and chose a song I already knew: This I Promise You (Which, btw, can be downloaded from my music section *wink*). So, I chose my song and signed up on the list.

Turns out, “Catwoman” had signed up for ANOTHER Mary J. song before me. I swear! So, I sat back and watched her butcher yet ANOTHER song, but I also noticed Barry talking to the DJ off to the side. Something nefarious was going on. I think he was trying to arrange for her to sing another song. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna watch THAT happen! You see, I was next on the list, and I wanted to sing my damn song.

I kinda got belligerent at that point. Ask anyone on that couch. “What the fuck is he doing?” I asked. ” I will fight Marion Barry! I ain’t scared of no old Marion Barry!” Sure, I wasn’t screaming at the top of my lungs, but I was vocal. That’s what alcohol does. It’s pure science.

I wanted to sing my song and, I’m sorry, there’s a line! Luckily, he didn’t get in front of me. Bruce swears I wasn’t going to do anything, but I don’t know…considering how surreal the night seemed, I kinda thought it was all a dream by that point anyway!

So, I got up and sang This I Promise You. It probably wasn’t the best venue for such a song; did I mention Black, gay, and S.E. DC?

During the instrumental part of the song, I got a little creative. I said, “This goes out to Bruce, on his birthday. And I also wanna give a shout-out to Marion Barry.” People kinda laughed and/or looked shocked. “What? He’s right here. We all see him!” I said. Did I mention that Marion was like 2 ft away from me? No? Well, he was. Yeah, it was dick of me. But in a drunk, funny way…

I think I got a little too into the song, actually. In fact, I think I might’ve been as off-key as Barry’s girl. Why, you ask? Well, this dude came up from behind me and said, “You’re lucky you’re cute.” OUCH. Back-handed compliments. Thanks, boys…So, I finished that song, and I think only one person clapped.

But the night was about to jump the shark. Just when you thought it was safe, what happens next? Well, I’ll tell ya!

When I get back on the couch, who do i see heading up to the mic? I thought he was lobbying for his girl again, but it was something bigger than that. Something more unexpected. Something monumental. Yes, Marion Barry was gonna SING KARAOKE!!!

I’m about to lose my mind here!!! Am I really seeing this? Is he really who he claims to be?!!! It’s all a blur. And what song did he choose for himself? “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay”, by Otis Redding. Yes, I was about about to watch the tides roll away as Barry butchered a soul classic. We’re falling out of our seats in disbelief! We’re scrounging for camera phones and anything else to immortalize this moment. I yell,”Do you know how much Wonkette would pay for these pictures?!!!”.

He was beyond bad. It’s not that he was tone-deaf..it’s just that he wasn’t listening to the background track. Then, his lady decided to join him for the WORST duet….I can’t even….I’m fuckin’ blown! And to cap it off, you know how the song ends with a whistling solo? He sang it! No, he didn’t whistle it; he SANG IT!!! Words can’t explain…

When he finished, the crowd erupted. I guess we were all in awe of what had just transpired and, as they say in the ‘hood, “Marion was getting his propers”…Some of the guys helped him off of his chair, and after a few more political handshakes, Marion and ‘ho left the building. It was like a mass UFO sighting, though. For the next hr, we were all asking each other, “Did you see that?!!” or “Did that really just happen?” or, my fave, “Fucking Marion Barry?!!” It was like, for that night, we were all brought closer due to our shared ordeal. God bless alcohol and fallen celebrities…

The party wound down, we closed out tabs, and laughed about that shit all the way back to MD. I hope this made some kind of sense in print, but you really had to be there. And I’m sure it’ll never happen again, so you missed out. But from this day forward, children around the world will sing songs of the time Crack-smoking Marion Barry Sang Karaoke in the Gay Bar. And if you ever hear them sing these songs, you just tell ’em my name and that I was there on that fateful day.

Marion Fuckin Barry…

13th Nov2004

RIP ODB – Shimmy Shimmy Ya In Heaven

by Will

Wow, ODB’s dead! And to think, I probably wouldn’t have known if not for J9.

So, he’s really gone. We all knew his life was apeshit, but I never really thought he’d go like this. Collapsed in a recording studio. No crazy jaunts to cash welfare checks. No accident during an awards ceremony. Nothing.

He deserved better than this. After all, he said it best when he said, “Wu-tang ain’t like the other ‘artisses’. Wu-tang’s for the kids!” Well, the kids will surely miss you, ODB, BBJ, Osiris, or whatever it was you were calling yourself at the time of death…

First, Rick James and now this. Why is God taking away all of our heroes?!!!

11th Nov2004

There’s No Case Too Big, No Case Too Small…

by Will

Random Thought of the Day:

Will I ever reach a point in my life where the mention of “Monterey Jack” DOESN’T make me think of “Chip & Dale’s Rescue Rangers”?!!

“Some times
Some crimes
Go slipping through the cracks

But these two
gumshoes
Are picking up the slack

There’s no case too big
no case too small

When you need help
Just call

Ch-ch-ch-Chip & Dale
Rescue Rangers!”

Wow….

I really….

Wow…

A) Can’t believe I still remember that

B) Can’t believe I just typed that

Something tells me I’m gonna hear about this….

23rd Oct2004

The One Where I Tear Apart The African Heritage Movie Theatre

by Will

You ever had something you really needed to say, but KNEW you shouldn’t even open your mouth. I’m at that point now. Something’s been bothering me for years, and I just have to talk about it. I’ve gotta warn that this is my “Bill Cosby Goes Apeshit on His People” speech, so if you’ve got a weak stomach, scroll down to where I talk about comics or something. I just know the Council’s gonna take away my rhythm and love of chicken…

First off, Black people need to make better movies. This mess is unwatchable. You see, about 10 yrs ago, some corporate entity created the “African Heritage Movie Theatre”, where each month, some syndicated station shows a movie that’s supposedly “important to our heritage”. Well, Black folks don’t exactly have a “Citizen Kane” to be proud of, so the bar was set a bit lower. When the whole program started, you might get “Coffy”, or on a good day, “Cooley High”. But over the yrs, they’ve been moving through the decades. As the yrs rolled on, the quality got worse.

Plus, as some kind of bastard caveat, each movie has a cameo by Ruby Dee and/or Ossie Davis. You see, these two are, somehow, the oldest married Black couple alive. If you can’t tell, Black marriage survival rates ain’t the best, you know, with divorce, abandonment, and hypertension running rampant. So, Ruby and Ossie were like the first black actors or something. And how cute? They ended up getting married. So, for some reason, every Black movie from the past 40 yrs has them in some capacity, even if Ossie plays “garbageman #3”. I think it’s in the contract for every movie: “Find a role for Ruby or Ossie!” So, to cap off this cute little nothingness, Ruby and Ossie host each presentation of the African Heritage Movie Theatre. And it’s so damn cheesy. Ruby’ll say something like, “In this next scene, watch for the garbageman. I thought he was such a hunk!” and then Ossie will follow up with something like, “Oh, go on, now!” Such trifling married banter. But I’ve gotten off-topic.

Bad Black movies. Why can’t we make a good, entertaining, substantial film, without the Wayans’ involvement, and without a Snoop cameo? I had no life in high school, so I’ve watched this mess since the beginning. On a good Saturday, I might’ve gotten “The Color Purple”. But not anymore. Today, I got “Graffiti Bridge”, with Prince and Morris Day.

Now, let me say that “Purple Rain” was a good Prince movie. But there is NO such thing as a good Morris Day movie (Yes, I KNOW he was in “Purple Rain” Forget about that for the moment). In fact, I’ve spent the last few years trying to even understand Mr. Day’s popularity. So, Morris was the poison of this film. That, and the fact that it’s Prince during his religious kick. Which brings me to my next off-color remark: Black people have an interesting interpretation of the Bible.

Prince, or TAFKAP, or “The Artist”, has ALWAYS oozed sex, but even at his holiest, he couldn’t give up the women. I’ve noticed over time, and this is NOT a blanket, groundless generalization, that in the Black community, adultery isn’t really looked at as a “sin”, per se. It’s more of a “that nigga done fucked up.” It’s less about what God’s gonna do to you, and more about what “yo’ baby mama’s” gonna do. I’ve always found that strange. It’s like everything in the Bible pertaining to sex, Black people seem to have regarded as “Oh, that’s something The Man put in there to keep us down!’ I’ve never been able to get down with such devout pick-and-choose religion. If you’re unsure about something that major, then you’re unsure about a lot of the tenets. But don’t act like you’re on your way to Glory as you’re scanning the club for easy prey… Wow, that was kinda preachy.

But please, just make some good movies. ‘Cause one of these days, I’m gonna have to spend time with my kids. You know, it’s gonna be court-ordered and shit, so I’ll HAVE to do it. And what easier way to kill time than watch TV? On the path we’re traveling, it’s only a matter of time before ‘Soul Plane” is deemed worthwhile to our heritage. I’m sorry, but Mo’nique squeezing into a stewardess uniform ain’t really gonna enhance the Civil Rights Movement in any shape or form…

But wait, there’s more! Black people, please stop marrying ugly people. I swear, it’s like Black ugly people are seeking out other ugly people, and it’s bad for our future. Just look at the Jet or Ebony society pages. For the uninformed, Jet is that magazine that hangs out next to Soap Opera Digest, you know, with all the Black people on the cover. Half of these brides look like horses, while the guys just look like they’re glad they chased down SOMEBODY. But let’s look to the future. These creatures are going to have offspring, and two wrongs do NOT make a right! Let’s nip this in the bud. Stop ugly intermarriage.

Man, I went too far today….

18th Oct2004

Drama of Jupiter?

by Will

OK, even though I posted highlight quotes, I think the quote of the weekend was :

“It’s a travesty that Evan didn’t record ‘Drops of Jupiter’!”

You know, a lot of people come up to me and tell me this. My question is: What do you want me to do about it?

I mean, seriously! That’s like if I went up to someone and said, “You know, your kid’s alright, but he’d probably be cuter if he didn’t have Down Syndrome and all…” I mean, you’re insulting me to my face, and it’s supposed to just roll off of me?!!

What’s this supposed to accomplish? People tell me this like they expect me to agree with them. Well, I DON’T.

This was, like many things in life, a political move. And sacrifices must be made. We, in Last Call, made the decision to make the CD representative of the current group at the time of its release. Evan was gone and Eduardo was gone, hence no tracks by them. Yes, Anthony’s “We Built This City” got on, and I had nothing to do with that. I was told it was because it was done and the money had been spent.

But people act like they expect me to say, “You’re SO right. I’m nowhere near as good as Evan and I’m ashamed to have my voice on there where his should rightly be!”

I’m not gonna say it. Evan was/is great, and we got a TON of mileage off of that song, from the Today Show to the ICCAs, but Evan had also had a solo on a CD. I hadn’t. Surprisingly, that comes into play when discussing potential album tracks. When this was recorded, I had NO IDEA I’d end up with 3 tracks on the CD, but I ain’t complaining. A group is about evolution and change. Simply, it was someone else’s turn.

Did we HAVE to record Drops? No. That wasn’t solely my call. The group decided, and now the very same people are the ones who’re quick to tell me how unworthy I am to be singing the solo.

People forget about politics. HAD we brought back older members to sing their songs, YEAH, Evan would be on Drops, but Eduardo would have been on Keep, and other solos would’ve changed hands as well. So, sorry folks, your loss is other folks’ gain. I’m not the only one who benefitted from the whole thing.

Plus, as I’ve said before, the review board at RARB liked my rendition, so there.

But, if anyone out there is STILL upset that I sang the song and not Evan, and they’re clamoring for their Evan version or their money back, well I’ve got a live track featuring him with your name right on it. Drop me a line and I’ll send it to ya. Maybe then we can all move on….

Man, I’ve gotta stop this drunk blogging…

10th Oct2004

In 5 Years, I’ll Bet Nobody Knows Who Kevin Lyttle Is…

by Will

Why are my friends associated with such D-list celebrities? You know, there’s someone out there saying, “Oh yeah, Cameron Diaz is my best friend” or “Britney and I used to take baths together.” But me and my friends? No dice. We get saddled with the chance encounters with the likes of old haggard Penthouse Pets and guys who almost made it on reality shows…

So, where’s this going? Well, about 2 weeks ago, Natalie came into town. She wanted to know if I was up for a supply run to Target. Seeing as how Target is the next best thing to Walmart, I happily obliged.

We’re pulling into the parking lot when her phone rings. “Kevin?” she asked. Then suddenly, “Oh my God! It’s Kevin Lyttle!” Yes, folks. THE Kevin Lyttle. The young man who wants you to kiss and caress him. THAT guy.

You see, she met him a few months back at Platinum as his star was beginning to rise. He got her number, and apparently he calls her from time to time. I knew about it when it first happened, and I kinda thought it was hilarious. This one-hit wonder is actually calling back some chick he booked in a club. Aren’t THEY supposed to be calling HIM? That’s priceless.

But now…I dunno how I feel about Kevin Lyttle callin’ my girl! No, she’s not my girl, and I’m over all that, but it’s the principle, ya know? I mean, it’s fucking Kevin Lyttle. The boy is so anti-cute that his album cover is him looking down, with a hat covering his face. You know the PR boys were out of ideas when they OK’d that clusterfuck of a move.

Plus, I think what gets to me is he might have a shot. Anybody’s who’s been reading this site for the past summer knows ALL about my trials and tribulations, but I swear, if he somehow gets her to kiss and caress him, i’m gonna shit a brick. I know she’s better than that, but he IS a celebrity, even if he ranks below select members of O-Town. Some people are attracted to that sort of thing…

So, he’s on the phone, and he’s just shooting the shit. In the meantime, I’m like “I wanna talk to Kevin! Let me say ‘hi’.”And she’s all like “shh!”. He was trying to find out where she was. Hey Kevin, take note: I know you’re new to this whole fame thing, but booty calls typically don’t take place at 4 PM on a Sunday evening! Besides, we had some Target-ing to do. So, after he found out she wasn’t in NYC, which is where he was, he eventually got off the phone.

I was like, “Why didn’t you let me talk to him?” She goes, “No one’s supposed to know I have his number.” I shot back, “What? Who the fuck’s gonna stalk Kevin Lyttle? Why’s this such a big secret? Nobody cares!”

She kinda changed the subject, but I got out, “I can’t wait to blog about this!” So, there it is. Tune in for when I discuss my friend Syd, and the fact that she’s hanging out with “The Famous Jett Jackson” of Disney Channel fame…

08th Oct2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 II

by Will

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 II

How’d Charles Gibson get chosen for this? Is “Good Morning America” hard-hitting news? Will Matt Lauer be hosting the next round? Where are the REAL journalists?

W looks kinda robotic this round. He does whatever Kerry does. Kerry waves, W-bot waves…

Gotta love Kerry and his “thank you’s”. He never fails with these, and he’s like a hood-rat winning an American Music Award. Only person he forgets to thank is “The Big Man Upstairs…”

W doesn’t look comfortable holding a mic. He’s like the dad making a toast at a wedding, who’s never really spoken publicly before…

“After 9/11, we had to learn to look at the world differently.” He’s starting the heroic grandstanding already…

“Thought there was weapons there.” Shouldn’t he have said “were”?

Couldn’t they have shppied some minorities to Missouri, just for the night? Nelly’s from St. Louis! Was he too busy to pose a few crunk questions?

So, it’s basically John “Reach Out To Our Allies” Kerry vs. George “The ‘W’ Stands for All The Hard Work” Bush…

Still accusing of “wrong war, wrong time, wrong place”…

W’s listing the contents of his political Black Book. Wow, you talk to Tony Blair, how special that must be for you!

“The war on terror is about making sure these terrorist organizations don’t get weapons of mass destruction!” Yo, Joe, indeed! We’re going after Destro next….

Hey, they found a Black chick!

He’s rambling again…”brought in front of a judge”

I love W’s little pompous nod he does when he concludes each rebuttal…

W’s going all “Blinky Bill” right now. It’s like a nervous twitch or something…

“Military’s job is to win the war. The president’s job is to win the peace.” Nice

Kerry, you’re not answering the Iran question. You’re mudslinging like W. Answer the question. What would you do?

Actually, you DID scowl…

W’s got a good ‘Dr. Phil” act going, walking around, working the crowd…

W mentions the internet as if it’s some kind of mythological beast of lore: ” I’ve heard there are rumors on the…’internet’…” You could almost see him wanting to make those little quote gestures with his fingers…

Still can’t pronounce “peninsula”

That “forget about the draft” promise was the equivalent of his dad’s “Read my lips” speech, and we all remember how THAT turned out…

2nd Reagan reference of the night. Who’ll be the first to namedrop Clinton?

W just broke the rules of the debate. Now, he’s got beef with Gibson. “No, let me answer this!”

Whoa, Kerry…I think I’m sold…

That “intelligence” reference was a veiled attack on two levels. Well played, Kerry…

“Hard work” reference. Republicans drink a shot!

“Working overtime”…SOCIAL!

Drug discount cards? THAT’S your defense?

W’s first to mention Clinton, moves back three spaces…

Did W just wink at somebody?

3rd Reagan reference..Man, we’ve gotta add those to the rules for the drinking game…

Kerry oh so loves those tacky website plugs…

Black dude in the audience looks pissed…”They told me Beyonce was gonna be here!”

“Tax Cut Question Guy”, we’ll call him “Fratboy Dave”, doesn’t look too pleased with Kerry’s answer…

“It’s not credible”. Ah, that brings back memories of “Not gonna do it, wouldn’t be prudent…”

“You can run, but you can’t hide”? What’s that all about?

One hour in, and no “gay marriage” question? They shipped in some Black folks, so you just KNOW there’s gotta be a petgroomer and his antique dealing partner in the audience SOMEWHERE!

Love how W stammered over the “Common Sense Policy”

“The quality of the air’s been cleaner since I’ve been President.” Conceited much?

Ooh..not in good taste with the whole Red Sox knock, Kerry. They take the Curse of the Bambino VERY seriously…

“President that believes in science”? That just alienated the Bible Belt! And you’d been doing SO well, Kerry…

Why’s Kerry calling Gibson “Charlie”? Are they secretly golfing buddies or something?

W’s really harping on this “Kerry doesn’t show up for votes” thing. Did Kerry forget W’s birthday or something? ‘Cause he’s clearly bitter about something…

“Need some wood”? Oh, W! You little minx!

Wow, another Black guy!

Way to namedrop Teen Wolf, Kerry. Like Alex P. Keaton’s REALLY gonna win you some votes…

Wow, Kerry just told us he’s friends with Superman! Fucking SUPERMAN! Now, tell me. WHo are YOU voting for NOW?

I think W won the whole Stem Cell battle via “forced emotion” alone…

Gotta love that nod…

Climate’s shifting towards “Disciple vs. The Scientist”…

Something tells me W doesn’t fully understand the Dred Scott case. It’s one of those cases we all know by name, like Roe v. Wade, but couldn’t really argue if there was a gun to our heads. A good namedropping case…Makes one sounds intelligent…usually…

W just said “legislay-TORS”. They sounds evil. Are those new enemies we’ll be bombing in the coming months?

“I respect that…place you’re coming from.” That’s “Kerry” for “I’m about to disappoint you”

“It’s never quite as simple as the President would like for you to believe.” Truer words were never spoken…

Nice final question!

Ooh..”Mistakes appointing people?” Any of them rhyme with “Gondapeeza”?

WOULD Saddam still be in power? Interesting thought to leave us with…

I always laugh when Kerry says “kill”. It’s so cute…

“Thanks, it’s been enjoyable.” Somebody’s lying….

Wow, he busted out “haters” & “nexus” in one phrase. Talk about catering to the extremes. Somebody got a thesaurus & ebonics lessons since the last debate….

AND THE WINNAH!

Well, this round….

It’s a close one…

I think Kerry works better when not answering questions…but I don’t feel W really told us anything he’d do differently. But then again, his whole campaign is about “staying the course”…For now, I’m giving it to Kerry. We’ll check back in next Wednesday….