23rd Oct2004

The One Where I Tear Apart The African Heritage Movie Theatre

by Will

You ever had something you really needed to say, but KNEW you shouldn’t even open your mouth. I’m at that point now. Something’s been bothering me for years, and I just have to talk about it. I’ve gotta warn that this is my “Bill Cosby Goes Apeshit on His People” speech, so if you’ve got a weak stomach, scroll down to where I talk about comics or something. I just know the Council’s gonna take away my rhythm and love of chicken…

First off, Black people need to make better movies. This mess is unwatchable. You see, about 10 yrs ago, some corporate entity created the “African Heritage Movie Theatre”, where each month, some syndicated station shows a movie that’s supposedly “important to our heritage”. Well, Black folks don’t exactly have a “Citizen Kane” to be proud of, so the bar was set a bit lower. When the whole program started, you might get “Coffy”, or on a good day, “Cooley High”. But over the yrs, they’ve been moving through the decades. As the yrs rolled on, the quality got worse.

Plus, as some kind of bastard caveat, each movie has a cameo by Ruby Dee and/or Ossie Davis. You see, these two are, somehow, the oldest married Black couple alive. If you can’t tell, Black marriage survival rates ain’t the best, you know, with divorce, abandonment, and hypertension running rampant. So, Ruby and Ossie were like the first black actors or something. And how cute? They ended up getting married. So, for some reason, every Black movie from the past 40 yrs has them in some capacity, even if Ossie plays “garbageman #3”. I think it’s in the contract for every movie: “Find a role for Ruby or Ossie!” So, to cap off this cute little nothingness, Ruby and Ossie host each presentation of the African Heritage Movie Theatre. And it’s so damn cheesy. Ruby’ll say something like, “In this next scene, watch for the garbageman. I thought he was such a hunk!” and then Ossie will follow up with something like, “Oh, go on, now!” Such trifling married banter. But I’ve gotten off-topic.

Bad Black movies. Why can’t we make a good, entertaining, substantial film, without the Wayans’ involvement, and without a Snoop cameo? I had no life in high school, so I’ve watched this mess since the beginning. On a good Saturday, I might’ve gotten “The Color Purple”. But not anymore. Today, I got “Graffiti Bridge”, with Prince and Morris Day.

Now, let me say that “Purple Rain” was a good Prince movie. But there is NO such thing as a good Morris Day movie (Yes, I KNOW he was in “Purple Rain” Forget about that for the moment). In fact, I’ve spent the last few years trying to even understand Mr. Day’s popularity. So, Morris was the poison of this film. That, and the fact that it’s Prince during his religious kick. Which brings me to my next off-color remark: Black people have an interesting interpretation of the Bible.

Prince, or TAFKAP, or “The Artist”, has ALWAYS oozed sex, but even at his holiest, he couldn’t give up the women. I’ve noticed over time, and this is NOT a blanket, groundless generalization, that in the Black community, adultery isn’t really looked at as a “sin”, per se. It’s more of a “that nigga done fucked up.” It’s less about what God’s gonna do to you, and more about what “yo’ baby mama’s” gonna do. I’ve always found that strange. It’s like everything in the Bible pertaining to sex, Black people seem to have regarded as “Oh, that’s something The Man put in there to keep us down!’ I’ve never been able to get down with such devout pick-and-choose religion. If you’re unsure about something that major, then you’re unsure about a lot of the tenets. But don’t act like you’re on your way to Glory as you’re scanning the club for easy prey… Wow, that was kinda preachy.

But please, just make some good movies. ‘Cause one of these days, I’m gonna have to spend time with my kids. You know, it’s gonna be court-ordered and shit, so I’ll HAVE to do it. And what easier way to kill time than watch TV? On the path we’re traveling, it’s only a matter of time before ‘Soul Plane” is deemed worthwhile to our heritage. I’m sorry, but Mo’nique squeezing into a stewardess uniform ain’t really gonna enhance the Civil Rights Movement in any shape or form…

But wait, there’s more! Black people, please stop marrying ugly people. I swear, it’s like Black ugly people are seeking out other ugly people, and it’s bad for our future. Just look at the Jet or Ebony society pages. For the uninformed, Jet is that magazine that hangs out next to Soap Opera Digest, you know, with all the Black people on the cover. Half of these brides look like horses, while the guys just look like they’re glad they chased down SOMEBODY. But let’s look to the future. These creatures are going to have offspring, and two wrongs do NOT make a right! Let’s nip this in the bud. Stop ugly intermarriage.

Man, I went too far today….

18th Oct2004

Drama of Jupiter?

by Will

OK, even though I posted highlight quotes, I think the quote of the weekend was :

“It’s a travesty that Evan didn’t record ‘Drops of Jupiter’!”

You know, a lot of people come up to me and tell me this. My question is: What do you want me to do about it?

I mean, seriously! That’s like if I went up to someone and said, “You know, your kid’s alright, but he’d probably be cuter if he didn’t have Down Syndrome and all…” I mean, you’re insulting me to my face, and it’s supposed to just roll off of me?!!

What’s this supposed to accomplish? People tell me this like they expect me to agree with them. Well, I DON’T.

This was, like many things in life, a political move. And sacrifices must be made. We, in Last Call, made the decision to make the CD representative of the current group at the time of its release. Evan was gone and Eduardo was gone, hence no tracks by them. Yes, Anthony’s “We Built This City” got on, and I had nothing to do with that. I was told it was because it was done and the money had been spent.

But people act like they expect me to say, “You’re SO right. I’m nowhere near as good as Evan and I’m ashamed to have my voice on there where his should rightly be!”

I’m not gonna say it. Evan was/is great, and we got a TON of mileage off of that song, from the Today Show to the ICCAs, but Evan had also had a solo on a CD. I hadn’t. Surprisingly, that comes into play when discussing potential album tracks. When this was recorded, I had NO IDEA I’d end up with 3 tracks on the CD, but I ain’t complaining. A group is about evolution and change. Simply, it was someone else’s turn.

Did we HAVE to record Drops? No. That wasn’t solely my call. The group decided, and now the very same people are the ones who’re quick to tell me how unworthy I am to be singing the solo.

People forget about politics. HAD we brought back older members to sing their songs, YEAH, Evan would be on Drops, but Eduardo would have been on Keep, and other solos would’ve changed hands as well. So, sorry folks, your loss is other folks’ gain. I’m not the only one who benefitted from the whole thing.

Plus, as I’ve said before, the review board at RARB liked my rendition, so there.

But, if anyone out there is STILL upset that I sang the song and not Evan, and they’re clamoring for their Evan version or their money back, well I’ve got a live track featuring him with your name right on it. Drop me a line and I’ll send it to ya. Maybe then we can all move on….

Man, I’ve gotta stop this drunk blogging…

10th Oct2004

In 5 Years, I’ll Bet Nobody Knows Who Kevin Lyttle Is…

by Will

Why are my friends associated with such D-list celebrities? You know, there’s someone out there saying, “Oh yeah, Cameron Diaz is my best friend” or “Britney and I used to take baths together.” But me and my friends? No dice. We get saddled with the chance encounters with the likes of old haggard Penthouse Pets and guys who almost made it on reality shows…

So, where’s this going? Well, about 2 weeks ago, Natalie came into town. She wanted to know if I was up for a supply run to Target. Seeing as how Target is the next best thing to Walmart, I happily obliged.

We’re pulling into the parking lot when her phone rings. “Kevin?” she asked. Then suddenly, “Oh my God! It’s Kevin Lyttle!” Yes, folks. THE Kevin Lyttle. The young man who wants you to kiss and caress him. THAT guy.

You see, she met him a few months back at Platinum as his star was beginning to rise. He got her number, and apparently he calls her from time to time. I knew about it when it first happened, and I kinda thought it was hilarious. This one-hit wonder is actually calling back some chick he booked in a club. Aren’t THEY supposed to be calling HIM? That’s priceless.

But now…I dunno how I feel about Kevin Lyttle callin’ my girl! No, she’s not my girl, and I’m over all that, but it’s the principle, ya know? I mean, it’s fucking Kevin Lyttle. The boy is so anti-cute that his album cover is him looking down, with a hat covering his face. You know the PR boys were out of ideas when they OK’d that clusterfuck of a move.

Plus, I think what gets to me is he might have a shot. Anybody’s who’s been reading this site for the past summer knows ALL about my trials and tribulations, but I swear, if he somehow gets her to kiss and caress him, i’m gonna shit a brick. I know she’s better than that, but he IS a celebrity, even if he ranks below select members of O-Town. Some people are attracted to that sort of thing…

So, he’s on the phone, and he’s just shooting the shit. In the meantime, I’m like “I wanna talk to Kevin! Let me say ‘hi’.”And she’s all like “shh!”. He was trying to find out where she was. Hey Kevin, take note: I know you’re new to this whole fame thing, but booty calls typically don’t take place at 4 PM on a Sunday evening! Besides, we had some Target-ing to do. So, after he found out she wasn’t in NYC, which is where he was, he eventually got off the phone.

I was like, “Why didn’t you let me talk to him?” She goes, “No one’s supposed to know I have his number.” I shot back, “What? Who the fuck’s gonna stalk Kevin Lyttle? Why’s this such a big secret? Nobody cares!”

She kinda changed the subject, but I got out, “I can’t wait to blog about this!” So, there it is. Tune in for when I discuss my friend Syd, and the fact that she’s hanging out with “The Famous Jett Jackson” of Disney Channel fame…

08th Oct2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 II

by Will

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 II

How’d Charles Gibson get chosen for this? Is “Good Morning America” hard-hitting news? Will Matt Lauer be hosting the next round? Where are the REAL journalists?

W looks kinda robotic this round. He does whatever Kerry does. Kerry waves, W-bot waves…

Gotta love Kerry and his “thank you’s”. He never fails with these, and he’s like a hood-rat winning an American Music Award. Only person he forgets to thank is “The Big Man Upstairs…”

W doesn’t look comfortable holding a mic. He’s like the dad making a toast at a wedding, who’s never really spoken publicly before…

“After 9/11, we had to learn to look at the world differently.” He’s starting the heroic grandstanding already…

“Thought there was weapons there.” Shouldn’t he have said “were”?

Couldn’t they have shppied some minorities to Missouri, just for the night? Nelly’s from St. Louis! Was he too busy to pose a few crunk questions?

So, it’s basically John “Reach Out To Our Allies” Kerry vs. George “The ‘W’ Stands for All The Hard Work” Bush…

Still accusing of “wrong war, wrong time, wrong place”…

W’s listing the contents of his political Black Book. Wow, you talk to Tony Blair, how special that must be for you!

“The war on terror is about making sure these terrorist organizations don’t get weapons of mass destruction!” Yo, Joe, indeed! We’re going after Destro next….

Hey, they found a Black chick!

He’s rambling again…”brought in front of a judge”

I love W’s little pompous nod he does when he concludes each rebuttal…

W’s going all “Blinky Bill” right now. It’s like a nervous twitch or something…

“Military’s job is to win the war. The president’s job is to win the peace.” Nice

Kerry, you’re not answering the Iran question. You’re mudslinging like W. Answer the question. What would you do?

Actually, you DID scowl…

W’s got a good ‘Dr. Phil” act going, walking around, working the crowd…

W mentions the internet as if it’s some kind of mythological beast of lore: ” I’ve heard there are rumors on the…’internet’…” You could almost see him wanting to make those little quote gestures with his fingers…

Still can’t pronounce “peninsula”

That “forget about the draft” promise was the equivalent of his dad’s “Read my lips” speech, and we all remember how THAT turned out…

2nd Reagan reference of the night. Who’ll be the first to namedrop Clinton?

W just broke the rules of the debate. Now, he’s got beef with Gibson. “No, let me answer this!”

Whoa, Kerry…I think I’m sold…

That “intelligence” reference was a veiled attack on two levels. Well played, Kerry…

“Hard work” reference. Republicans drink a shot!

“Working overtime”…SOCIAL!

Drug discount cards? THAT’S your defense?

W’s first to mention Clinton, moves back three spaces…

Did W just wink at somebody?

3rd Reagan reference..Man, we’ve gotta add those to the rules for the drinking game…

Kerry oh so loves those tacky website plugs…

Black dude in the audience looks pissed…”They told me Beyonce was gonna be here!”

“Tax Cut Question Guy”, we’ll call him “Fratboy Dave”, doesn’t look too pleased with Kerry’s answer…

“It’s not credible”. Ah, that brings back memories of “Not gonna do it, wouldn’t be prudent…”

“You can run, but you can’t hide”? What’s that all about?

One hour in, and no “gay marriage” question? They shipped in some Black folks, so you just KNOW there’s gotta be a petgroomer and his antique dealing partner in the audience SOMEWHERE!

Love how W stammered over the “Common Sense Policy”

“The quality of the air’s been cleaner since I’ve been President.” Conceited much?

Ooh..not in good taste with the whole Red Sox knock, Kerry. They take the Curse of the Bambino VERY seriously…

“President that believes in science”? That just alienated the Bible Belt! And you’d been doing SO well, Kerry…

Why’s Kerry calling Gibson “Charlie”? Are they secretly golfing buddies or something?

W’s really harping on this “Kerry doesn’t show up for votes” thing. Did Kerry forget W’s birthday or something? ‘Cause he’s clearly bitter about something…

“Need some wood”? Oh, W! You little minx!

Wow, another Black guy!

Way to namedrop Teen Wolf, Kerry. Like Alex P. Keaton’s REALLY gonna win you some votes…

Wow, Kerry just told us he’s friends with Superman! Fucking SUPERMAN! Now, tell me. WHo are YOU voting for NOW?

I think W won the whole Stem Cell battle via “forced emotion” alone…

Gotta love that nod…

Climate’s shifting towards “Disciple vs. The Scientist”…

Something tells me W doesn’t fully understand the Dred Scott case. It’s one of those cases we all know by name, like Roe v. Wade, but couldn’t really argue if there was a gun to our heads. A good namedropping case…Makes one sounds intelligent…usually…

W just said “legislay-TORS”. They sounds evil. Are those new enemies we’ll be bombing in the coming months?

“I respect that…place you’re coming from.” That’s “Kerry” for “I’m about to disappoint you”

“It’s never quite as simple as the President would like for you to believe.” Truer words were never spoken…

Nice final question!

Ooh..”Mistakes appointing people?” Any of them rhyme with “Gondapeeza”?

WOULD Saddam still be in power? Interesting thought to leave us with…

I always laugh when Kerry says “kill”. It’s so cute…

“Thanks, it’s been enjoyable.” Somebody’s lying….

Wow, he busted out “haters” & “nexus” in one phrase. Talk about catering to the extremes. Somebody got a thesaurus & ebonics lessons since the last debate….

AND THE WINNAH!

Well, this round….

It’s a close one…

I think Kerry works better when not answering questions…but I don’t feel W really told us anything he’d do differently. But then again, his whole campaign is about “staying the course”…For now, I’m giving it to Kerry. We’ll check back in next Wednesday….

06th Oct2004

My First, and Probably Last, Album Review

by Will

In all my blogging, I don’t think I’ve ever posted this:

http://www.rarb.org/reviews/423.html

This is my very first (and, so far, only) album review. This is back with Last Call, for our album “Vestosterone”. Long story short, the reviewers could’ve lived without the album, but the loved me! And isn’t that really all that matters?

*shameless plug warning*

And if you wanna know what they were talking about, these songs, and more, can be downloaded from my “Music” section. Oh, and if ya like the LC stuff, go buy their album…actually, nevermind. What do i care? “Why buy the cow…”?

P.S. They liked Lip too, but this is MY site, so…(Hi, Lip!)

07th Sep2004

My Love For VH-1 and I Wonder Where Ryan Starr’s Gonna Be In 5 Years

by Will

I am LOVING “The Surreal Life” right now. Even though the show is known for being crap, this is the best season YET.

But before we get to that, let me just say that VH-1 was firing on all cylinders tonight. First off, I was PSYCHED for “Bands Reunited” starring New Kids on the Block. I was SHOCKED that Joey McIntyre was the first nail in the coffin. I thought for sure they’d get back together. I mean, c’mon, Jordan’s the lynchpin, which is why they went after him first. Without Jordan would’ve been like having Nsync w/o Justin or BSB w/o Nick. The Knight Bros agreed, but everyone else refused. Man, that really threw me for a loop.

Then, Jordan, still loving the limelight, turned up on “The Surreal Life”. Man, I am loving Flava Flav; he is cracking me up! And when he slapped Red Sonja…that was great! What is Brigitte Nielsen’s problem, anyway? She really hasn’t done jack in yrs, but she still acts like she’s important. Sorry, sweetie…

And I wonder if they’re gonna bring up the fact that Dave Coulier was the inspiration for every bitter track on Alanis’s first album. That’s a big deal, and it’s a lot more important than asking him about the Olsen twins (which Flav did the minute he met Dave, pissing him off). It’s also hilarious that Flav has no idea who anyone is in the house. He was too high back then to remember these people when they were famous.

Jordan started drama by blocking off his room so no one could bother him. They all got pissed, but I kinda understand…after all, he IS currently the most successful person in the house. Man, that’s sad when you think about it….

Ryan Starr is REALLY disappointing me. The sexy rock vixen from American Idol is really just a sheep in wolf’s clothing. She couldn’t deal when the strippers came out, and she’s really just a hot prude…

And Charo….what can i say about that woman? Coochie-coochie, indeed! I don’t care how old she is, she’s still got it. And she holds the record for most appearances on “Love Boat” (21, btw). I would still show her something “exciting and new”! Well, can’t wait for next week…

04th Sep2004

Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) – Vertical Horizon

by Will

Song of the Moment: “Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)”, by Vertical Horizon

OK, before we get into lyrics, let me just point out that this doesn’t pertain to any one specific person. In fact, it’s more of a dedication to all the girls I’ve loved before. You know, how when you’re in the whole relationship thing, that other person is the best thing since sliced bread? Then, in hindsight, once the dust has settled, you really start to wonder how true that was….after all, how can each one be the best thing you’ve ever had? I mean, there is the possibility that life’s just getting better and better for you as it goes on, but is that really the case? Most likely not. We’re all probably just jaded by the limerance and tingly feelings brought on by new love. So, this song speaks to a sort of amalgam of every relationship I’ve been in. Yeah, I thought each and every one of you was great at some point and time, but some of you backed that up with evidence, while others were great disappointments. I love this song because it works two different ways: to those you truly miss, it’s sincere and longing, while to those you somewhat loathe, it’s kind of cynical. As I tumble back into my annual Autumn Funk, these are the thoughts in my head:

“So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I’m here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing’s quite the same now
I just say your name now

[Chorus]

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I’m just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

[Chorus]

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t need me back
You’re just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can’t take it so I
Run away and hide

And I may find in time that
You were always right
You’re always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I’m here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I’m haunted

[Chorus]

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
I don’t want you back
You’re just the best I ever had

The best I ever had

The best I ever”

04th Sep2004

Celine Dion: Much Better In Her Native French

by Will

So, I’m convinced that Celine Dion is a lot more talented in her native tongue of French. First off, the music’s more…how do you say…”organic”. Also, you don’t have to listen to her ramble on and on about “lurve”, as she calls it.

Anyway, to hear what I mean, I highly recommend you pick up her recent album, “1 fille & 4 types”. You can get it at any music store, and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed….

What the Hell is “lurve”? You’d think when learning English, the one thing you would get right is “love”. Ain’t that the universal language?!! How’d she learn to mess up such a simple and universal concept?!! “lurve”…..

02nd Sep2004

The FAT Made Me Look Fat…

by Will

I just went to menoflastcall.com, and the pic that loaded was me and Lip at Straight Up. Man, that vest really made me look fat… Nah, that FAT made me look fat.

Anyway, I guess I’m just glad to know that pic’s still in the system. Kinda like there’s still something out there in the world that I did of which I can be proud…

Now, where did I put that cocaine?

22nd Aug2004

Soundtrack To The Last Post

by Will

First off, allow me to say how impressed I am with myself that I come across so clearly, even drunk. That last post certainly was a doozy!

So, now for the aftermath….

I’m still upset. I basically spent the past 2 hrs sort of meditating on the whole thing, and I have no real answers or conclusions. I do, however, have a playlist. So, if you wanna know the soundtrack for all my drama, this’ll give you a little insight as to what’s going on in my head right now. Gotta warn ya, it’s a bit of a downer:

1) “I Can’t Make You Love Me” – Bonnie Raitt

2) “Comin’ Around Again” – Carly Simon

3) “The Last Song” – Elton John

4) “Barely Breathing” – Duncan Sheik

5) “Until I Hear it From You” – Gin Blossoms

6) “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough” – Don Henley & Patti Smythe

7) “Again” – Janet Jackson

8) “Foolish Games” – Jewel

9) “If You Go” – Jon Secada

10) “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” – Meatloaf

11) “Losing My Religion” – REM

12) “Listen To Your Heart” – Roxette

13) “Song For You” – Ray Charles

14) “Back For Good” – Take That

15) “Counting Blue Cars” – Dishwalla

16) “Why” – Annie Lennox

17) “Ave Maria” – arr. Franz Biebl