20th Sep2003

“We’re Just Ted Fans”

by Will

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Remember when I used to be in an a cappella group? ‘Cause apparently no one around here does. Tonight, I’m at the mall with Eric and Ted and some girls turn around as we’re leaving the place.

“Are you Ted?” they ask. Ted, bewildered, tells that he is one and the same. They start giggling and ask, “You’re in Last Call aren’t you?” He answers, “Yeah….but so are these guys,” pointing at me and Eric.

“Yeah, we know,” they say while ignoring Eric and me. “We’re just Ted fans.”

Wow.

Ted hasn’t had a song in about 3 years!!! These chicks are freshmen and they don’t know me?!! It sucks ’cause all I have to show for my time at Cornell is a 2.9 GPA and 4 years in a group that doesn’t even appreciate me!

Does no one respect their elders anymore? I helped make that group what it is, and no one currently realizes that. It’s not even what they said, but how they said it.

I know I’m overreacting, but I have very little from my college days to be proud of. Now, just 3 weeks after I formally leave the group, and a mere week since I’ve been taken off the website, I’ve been forgotten.

Hey bitches, I’ve got a surprise for ya. Ted isn’t even in the group anymore. For some reason, those tards just forgot to take him off the site. It’s OK, though. There’s still some really cute Hangovers to lust after.

11th Sep2003

RIAA Crackdown Trackdown

by Will

According to msn.com, the following songs are among those the RIAA is using to track down file-sharers.

• Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”

• Thompson Twins, “Hold Me Now”

• Eagles, “Hotel California”

• George Michael, “Kissing A Fool”

• Paula Abdul, “Knocked Out”

• Green Day, “Minority”

• UB40, “Red Red Wine”

• Ludacris “Area Codes”

• Marvin Gaye, “Sexual Healing”

• Avril Lavigne, “Complicated”

If you’ve recently downloaded any of these songs, your ass is grass. Looking at the list, though (with the exception of the great Marvin Gaye), I feel that you deserve everything that’s coming to you.

08th Sep2003

Gonna Make A Go At The Music Industry

by Will

Yeah….jobs really suck. I think I’m gonna try this music thing. Might not work out, but I’ll always regret it if I don’t. In a few years, this post’ll either make me laugh or make me cry. I just wanna be famous 🙁

15th Aug2003

Hey, Paisanos!

by Will

Hey, Paisanos! It’s the Super Mario Brothers Super Show!

We’re the Mario Brothers

And plumbing’s our game

We’re not the the others

Who get all the fame

If your sink is in trouble

You can call us on the double

We’re faster than the others

You’ll be hooked on the brothers

Gimme, gimme, gimme gimme!

You’re in for a treat

So hold on to your seat.

Get ready for adventures and remarkable feats.

You’ll meet Koopas, the Troopas, the Princess, and the others

Hangin’ with the plumbers, you’ll be hooked on the brothers!

To the brink! Uh! Uh! Huh, huh, I said hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooked on the Brothers (the brothers, the brothers)!

Swing your arms from side to side. Come on, it’s time to go. Do the Mario! Take one step, and then again. Let’s do the Mario, all together now! You got it! It’s the Mario! Do the Mario! Swing your arms from side to side. Come on, it’s time to go. Do the Mario! Take one step, and then again. Let’s do the Mario, all together now! Come on now. Just like that!

If you’re still wondering what this is all about, then go here:

http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Maze/7907/super_show.html

23rd Jul2003

Maybe A Dingo Ate Your Fiance

by Will

As if I didn’t already hate the Beach Boys, the annoying girl in the office just professed her love for them. Rather, it was phrased, “Oh my God, do you have more Beach Boys? You know their song, ‘Little St. Nick’ that they only play on oldies radio stations around Christmas? That song is SO CUTE. My boyfriend’s family love that song and they used to play it all the time.” I swear this girl is out to prove she’s a hetero girl. Everytime I turn around, it’s “My boyfriend, my boyfriend”. She’s so overkill about it. She’s always talking about how her exes won’t answer her when she IMs them. Ok, we get it! You’ve had boyfriends. From an HD perspective, she hasn’t had very many or else she wouldn’t talk about them all the damn time! Instead, she’d realize that we don’t give two shits about them or her history with them. She’s starting to sound like the Seinfeld episode where the woman keeps going on about her fiance. “Where’s my fiance? Where could he have gone?” Finally, Elaine answers, “Maybe a dingo ate your fiance.” Well, I wish a dingo would eat this chick’s boyfriend, as well as her annoying ass.

23rd Jul2003

I Just Saw Partial Nudity on CMT!

by Will

When did Country Music Television get so hot?!! That mess is steamier than MTV’s been in years. Woke up this morning and saw the controversial “I Melt” video by Rascal Flatts. Let’s just say there’s something in that video for everyone. Definitely not the healthiest way to start my day, but I’m not complaining. On another note, where the fuck is my “Seduction of the Innocent”? I swear if that guy ripped me off….

22nd Jul2003

The State of MTV in 2003

by Will

What to rant about now? Oh yes, MTV. Woke up this morning to see Video Clash. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but this is the first time that I’ve noticed MTV borrowing program ideas from their European counterparts. I saw Video Clash last summer when I was in London, watching MTV Europe. I saw it and said, “This is a clever idea. If only we had that in the US.” So tell me people, has this been around for awhile and I’m just now noticing, or did I really see the future last year?

All you perverts out there best shed a tear, for the word on the street is that t.A.T.u are going to that little lesbian schoolgirl fantasy in the sky. Ok, they’re not dying, but the brunette’s mad at the redhead (do they even have names?!!) ’cause redhead’s spending too much time with her boyfriend, and the media’s picking up on the fact that “Hey, these two little girls ain’t lesbians after all!” Their manager’s expecting the worse, but it’s not like he hasn’t gotten his mileage out of them.

Who in the HELL gave Pharrell a record deal that included singing?!! Did we learn nothing from Sean “Puffy” Combs/Puffy/Puff Daddy/P.Diddy? Those who can sing: do. Those who can’t: produce. Yeah, I know the ladies love him and he’s cute and all, but that’s not enough.

Speaking of music, why is B2K so hot? I hate to point this out, but they’re simply using ‘Nsync’s moves, two years too late. Normally, White music is stealing from Black (Elvis, anyone?), not vice versa. I see all these concert specials for them, and the girls are going crazy. Not in that ghetto fashion either, but in that “I’m a white girl from Connecticut and I’m gonna marry a Beatle circa 1967” kinda way. I think it’s even sadder that Marquess Houston is joining ’em for this tour. He already had a shot at this when he was in Immature/IMX. Now, he’s all solo and he’s hanging out with kids. Oh, I can’t wait til the day Nick Carter starts hanging out with his brother Aaron just mooch off of his fans. This is the same exact thing.

When did VJ’s stop being cool? Remember 10 years ago, when you had Daisy, Idalis, and Kennedy? These people were too cool to have last names. They were cool BECAUSE they didn’t have last names! Now, I’ve got Hilarie Burton and Kuddush, or whatever that fool’s name is. Hey, a misspelled name does not a cool VJ make? These kids have no personality. The old ones were cool (OK, not the original ones, but that whole 92-99 variety). I used to want to be Simon Rex, but now I’d rather be Kurt Loder

21st Jul2003

How To Deal With Mandy Moore

by Will

So, I saw the new Mandy Moore movie, “How to Deal”. You know, if she can maintain her charm and innocence, she’s got quite the future ahead of her. While watching the movie, there’s no doubt that she’s adorable, but it’s virtually impossible to think of her in an impure way. She comes off as your best friend’s little sister, who you’ve known since she was born. Hell, I want her to be MY sister! Plus, her best friend is played by the same girl who was Ross’s underaged girlfriend on “Friends” (the one whose dad was Bruce Willis). Man, did she put on weight! Hey, it’s no Oscar contender, but it’s a cute movie.

17th Jul2003

My Love For David Hasselhoff

by Will

Argue with me if you will, but I say that David Hasselfhoff has to be the coolest guy on the face of the planet! Let’s look at the facts: He got his start as a soap opera star, which didn’t exactly hone his thespian abilities, but it got him into the public eye enough to be cast in the most groundbreaking show of the 1980’s: “Knight Rider”. Why was Knight Rider groundbreaking? Well, it introduced the world to a sleek talking car, with the brain of a computer. Now, I realize that K.I.T.T. probably had the processing capability of an Apple IIe, but I see him as the inspiration for the OnStar system. I know that it utilizes actual people, but it’s the same concept. David Hasselfhoff had the luxury of being this car’s driver, and for that, we all worshipped him. He was a pioneer, of sorts. We loved him and everything he did, and we wondered how he could top such an incredible performance. We weren’t prepared for what would come next: Baywatch.

Baywatch cannot even be described in words. In essence, it made people hot. Sure, David had lost a bit of his luster since Knight Rider, but the beach, the women, the sand….they all added something to his mystique. It had that effect on everyone on the show. I stand by the statement that Pamela Anderson was not hot until she was on Baywatch. She spent years on Home Improvement, virtually unnoticed. She never achieved the attention that her successor, Debbe Dunning, received. Yet, when Pam got to Baywatch, all of that changed. Anyone could be on Baywatch, from former Hardy Boys and soap opera stars, to ex-convicts and swimsuit models. There were only two requirements: you had to love the beach and you had to listen to Mitch. As seasoned lifeguard Mitch Buchannan, Hasselfhoff held the crew together. Not only was he a father figure, but he was a sage. He had all of the answers, and as spoofed by “Son of the Beach”, he was the world’s greatest lifeguard. Mitch was the lynchpin that held it all together. How would he follow this success? Well, we’re still waiting on the answer to that question, but I can’t omit mention of his stellar German pop music career. Do you want details? No. This whole thing was tongue-in-cheek. But I DO love David Hasselhoff. Anyway, I highly advise you download the song Night Rocker, because apparently he’s “gonna rock you all night long”. Oh, David, when do you find time to rest?

10th Jul2003

The One Where I Start Things Off By Talking About Boybands

by Will

So, here I am at work, once again realizing that I can’t do this for the rest of my life. In fact, I can’t do this for the rest of the summer. How do people do this?!!! Isn’t there a boyband I could join or something? A few years ago, you couldn’t scratch your ear without bumping into yet ANOTHER group of 5 guys trying to harmonize. Now, the boybands have gone the way of the dotcom and the dodo, while I’m left here to dream at a desk.