14th Nov2008

Dolemite Never Got To See The Black President

by Will

“I can see Russia from my house!”

So much has happened since the last post, so we’re gonna go with bullet points this time around.

-“President-Elect Barack Obama”. Holy shit! I don’t know if that’ll ever sink in for me. It looks like Sam Cooke was right.

-If I never see Todd Palin again, it’ll be too soon. That guy is Prince of the Douchebags. That’s right, he’s not even worthy of the position of King. I can’t believe he was almost Second Douche of the US. Just looking at that guy bothers me. That damn goatee – he looks like the old sketchy guy who hangs out with high schoolers & buys them beer.


-Dolemite died?! He never got to see the black President! I’d say he would’ve been proud, but I highly doubt that. Dolemite was a hater. I mean, we are talking about the same guy who released “This Pussy Belongs to Me” & “This Ain’t No White Christmas”. Not exactly the kind of guy full of warm wishes. He’d probably say he should’ve been the 1st black President (there was, after all, “Dolemite for President”). In any case, I’m sure he’ll be missed by pimps, prostitutes & drug dealers across the natipn – especially those to whom he owed money.

-Neal Hefti died?!
If you don’t know who that is, he composed the theme song to the 1960s “Batman” TV show. Yes, the “nana nana” song. It’s some of the best surf guitar this side od “Miserlou”. Here’s hoping he’s still composing in that Gotham City in the sky.

-BET named Lil Wayne Best Lyricist?! Really? Were those even words that he was spouting? I thought BET was supposed to get BETTER after Hudlin’s departure! Who’d have thought that one man could make BET worse than it already was? Sure, he got rid of a lot of booty videos, but then he greenlit shows, like “Somebodies”, which felt like they would’ve been on SNICK, if it weren’t for all the booty in them. Looks like Marvel’s over Hudlin, too, as he’s off of Black Panther. Where ever he ends up, let’s hope he learns to suck less.

Man, this BlackBerry bloggin’ is rough! I apologize for formatting errors, and I’ll be back to normal once I get a chance to get back on the “real Internet”. Just not enough hours in the day…

21st Oct2008

So That *Wasn’t* A Pokeball On People’s Cars?

by Will

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet”

So, I’d like to do something different, and actually post about myself, rather than pop culture trivia this time out. Allow me to share a story with ya, a story that shows just how clueless I can be sometimes.

You see, for the past few months, I’ve been seeing a sticker on the backs of people’s cars, and I had no clue what it meant. Sure, if I’d gotten close enough, I would’ve been able to read it, but from driving distance, I was left wondering what that sticker meant. Honestly, the first thought that came into my mind was “What’s with this recent Pokeball craze?” I mean, sure you see soccer moms with the ball magnet, or you see the baseball fans with the whole “fake-ball-shattered-glass” thing in the window, but I never knew so many adults to have a Pokemon fixation. I was beginning to feel left behind, like when I missed the initial wave of the Harry Potter phenomenon. Well, the other day, I got close enough to the sticker to see what it was all about. This is what I saw:

Come on, that doesn’t look like a Pokeball to anyone else?! I can’t be the only one to make that mistake. Anyway, I guess it just goes to show how out of touch I can be when it comes to the things that matter.

Anyway, that realization forced me to confront something I hadn’t said outright, and officially throw my hat into the Obama camp. Hell, I was always there, but it was more fun blending into the crowd on the sidelines. I love how Jason at work (yup, I’m calling you out) was so certain that he knew who I was voting for, with his, “I know your kind”. Well, I guess you called me wrong. I believe in change, and I believe that Senator Obama is the best man for this job this time out. I’m eager to see where he takes this country, and I can’t say I ever thought I’d see this in my lifetime. I could take the race stance, and simply say, “I’m voting for the black president”. I could take the party line, and say “I’m voting for the Democrat”. But I’m going to take the logical approach, and say that I’m voting for the best man for the job. Here’s hoping he’s as good as America’s other black president, David Palmer (c’mon, I had to get a little pop culture in there!). A part of me regrets that I didn’t really do my part in this campaign, but one of the most important things we can do at this stage is vote. Seeing as how the 5 people who read this site are already voting for Obama (except Brett, probably), I’m pretty much preaching to the choir. So, this is me, apologizing for my former political ambivalence, and I’m officially saying, “Senator Obama, I choose you!”

Speaking of change we can believe in, (and on the pop culture tip), there are heavy rumors coming out of the UK that actor Paterson Joseph is slated to be the next Doctor Who. Now, geeky as I am, I’ve never seen an entire episode of Doctor Who. I couldn’t really get behind it because it was shitty for about 30 years until someone got the bright idea to up the production values. Seriously, that character spent the 60’s thru 90’s fighting trashcans with laryngitis. All of a sudden, someone said, “My word, the Doctor could use a new shine” and everything got all hi-tech and pretty. Anyway, this casting, if true, would be groundbreaking because Mr. Joseph would be the first black Doctor. Of course, there’s been vocal opposition, but who cares? You can’t please sci-fi fans. We takin’ ova! First, the White House. Next, time & space!

While we’re on the matter of change, I was convinced that I had “Good Luck Chuck‘d” pretty much every woman I’d ever dated, but I forgot that they’d changed the laws in some states, so now I get to add one more to the list: congrats to VA & Jess! You’ve got yourself a good woman, Jess, so treat her well. As much of a hater as I can be at times, I’m truly happy for you guys.

While we’re on the marriage thing, I’d also like to congratulate Davis & Jess (different Jess – but, man, wouldn’t that be weird?!) on their 2-year wedding anniversary. Never before have I met a couple so perfectly matched, yet you’d never believe it at first glance. Their whole union should be an inspiration to all of us, and no they didn’t pay me to say any of that. Hell, they don’t even read this thing, so they’ll probably never even see it. I guess I’m just in a different kind of mood tonight.

And to cap this whole sentimental thing off, I’d also like to congratulate James & Jenn. They think I forgot, but those kids have been together 9 years now. NINE YEARS. They met the second day of orientation, and haven’t really been apart since. I don’t even have the words, but I know that without them, y’all would be reading this one some livejournal with some cartoon avatar instead of the site you have before you. Besides the site, they’re good people, and they make up any portion of my Cornell existence that didn’t involve Last Call (and many portions that did). Nine years?! Dayum! That’s impressive.

Before signing off, I’d like to give Marcus a “Carol Burnett Ear Tug” and thank him for the link. OK, enough grab-assing. Next time, we’ll talk about something cool, like Batman. Promise!

09th Sep2008

America Meets Sarah Palin, Topanga’s Got A New Show, 90210’s Back, and Danity Kane’s Got A Comic Book

by Will

“I’m gonna be really pissed off in Heaven, ’cause I ain’t dying ’cause I’ve got too much stuff to do. If I die now, before I get to do all that I want, I’ll definitely be killing some dead people in Heaven. Which’ll be bad, ’cause then I’ll probably be sent to Hell.”

Man, it’s been so long, I’m not sure I even remember how to do this. Let’s see…

So, Aldi owns Trader Joe’s? I find that so odd, especially when you compare their business models.

Next, we’ve got politics. Some people are gonna hate me for saying this, but “Well-played, McCain. Well-played indeed”. You see, someone passed John the rules to Minority Battle. I don’t care how well-spoken a black dude is, he’s always trumped by a white chick with sexy-librarian glasses. Sure, she seems like she might be a little crazy, but that just adds to the wild-card factor. I still say he should’ve chosen a Latina or an eskimo in a wheelchair. In Minority Battle, a Maria ALWAYS beats a Tyrone. Sorry, Wesley, but you can’t “always bet on black” in this game. I like looking at Palin ’cause I can squint and imagine that Tina Fey is on the ballot. When I look at Obama and Biden, however, it feels like I’m seeing Diff’rent Strokes: The Next Generation. Just sayin’…

Anyway, enough politics. On to television:

When did Danielle Fishel become host of The Soup? Wait, you mean, that’s NOT The Soup? Then, whose bright idea was it to rip off The Soup and hire Topanga?! So, this is The Dish? Nobody thought of The Bowl? It’s the same damn show! Considering E! and Style are owned by the same people, why are they ripping themselves off?

90210‘s back, and it’s…not bad. It’s a little too OC for me. I like my teen dramas to have uber angst, a la One Tree Hill, and I think these kids are just way too pretty for me to care about. Keep in mind, my favorite West Beverly student was Andrea Zuckerman. That is exactly why my fave on the new show is, you guessed it, Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez. Yes, Andrea’s daughter (yeah, the bastard kid she had with that Puerto Rican busboy) is now all teened up and going to mom’s alma mater. Best part of the premiere was when the teacher turns off Hannah’s classroom news report, saying, “What is she, like 30?”. You know, ’cause Gabrielle Carteris was 30 when she was cast in the original. What can I say? I love easter eggs and continuity.

I hate the MTV show Busted. Why? Because they ALWAYS let the kids go. Not sure if it’s just a scared-straight tactic or what, but the kids never seem in any real danger of being locked up, and that’s just confirmed when the officer writes them a citation and lets them go. The kids kind of squirm, but they’re usually too drunk or high to realize they’re in any kind of major trouble. I wanna see someone cry. I want to see them at least get put in the cruiser. For added effect, they need to have a crossover with Juvies. If anything, that show just teaches me that the law enforcement of Salisbury, Maryland is a bunch of pushovers.

And on to the music portion of our evening:

I wonder how the makers of Patron feel about the rap industry’s love of their product. Do they appreciate the free advertising or do they feel that it’s actually dragging their good name through the mud.

So, Danity Kane’s got a comic book now. It was given away to attendees at the VMAs, and it’s a piece of shit. No, seriously, it’s horrible. I turned away stuff like this when I was working at Diamond. Not sure if you’re aware, my readers, but the name “Danity Kane” originated in the mind of DK’s Dawn. Before she joined the group, she envisioned a female super hero that she’d think of whenever she needed help feeling empowered. When the group was throwing around names, Dawn explained Danity Kane and the group loved it because they thought had that kickass, girl power vibe they were looking for. Well, it seems that Dawn has fleshed out the Danity Kane story, and apparently hired some blind kid to draw the thing. Not even gonna bore you with the synopsis; all you need to know is that Danity hails from the planet Jyzfire. Yes, “jyzfire”. That sounds like the worst kind of STD…

So, Usher’s stylist convinced him to fire his manager. Doesn’t help that the stylist is his wife and the manager is his mom. The way I see it, that nigga should’ve fired the stylist a LONG time ago because she’s been dressing him in the SAME DAMN OUTFIT for the past 3 years! That bitch has been bamboozling that brotha for years, AND she gets paid for it! In fact, I have this image of his closet where there’s nothing but a single pair of jeans, one black t-shirt, a leather jacket, and a bottle of Febreze.

If you ask me, Estelle’s just looking for a free trip to America and a tour guide. I can’t abide by users like that. I’m supposedly her American Boy, I flew her over for some ass, and all she wants to do is sightsee?! Plus, does the bitch own a map? She wants to see NY AND Miami?! Does she realize you can’t just jump in a cab for that trip?!

Hey, Secondhand Serenade & Thriving Ivory: Love you guys. Really. But Blessid Union of Souls called, and they want their sound back.

Pink, Pink, Pink…what are we gonna do with you? Your new song has grown on me, but where are you coming from? “Guess I just lost my husband, I don’t know where he went”. Yeah, you do – you left him. There’s nothing worse than a dumper who acts like the victim. That’s great; you’re better off without him. Move on, have some fun. You’ve already got a new man, so don’t make Carey feel worse than he already does. Nice VMA performance, though. Still want you to hurt me and make me feel like a man, but let’s have a little class.

And finally, the VM freaking A’s. Anyone who DOESN’T think those were rigged is an effing idiot! Let’s see, Britney zombied through her performance last year and needed forgiveness. Check. She’s been on good behavior for the past 3 months. Check. She was the only person (along with the host, Russell Brand), featured in promos for the awards, even though she wasn’t slated to perform or anything. Check. She’s nominated for 3 Moonmen, despite the fact that she didn’t even really promote the album ’cause she was too busy hitting rock bottom. Check. Now, the shit’s about to get real: She and her former manager, Larry Rudolph, reunite and meet with the record label the day before the VMAs to discuss her big comeback album. Check. Then, it leaks that Brit will open the VMAs in “memorable fashion”, YET still wasn’t gonna perform. Check. Now, she walks away with 3 awards, including Video of the Year, for the weakest single of her career. Seriously, she didn’t win for “Hit Me, Baby…”, “Oops”, “Slave for You”, “Me Against the Music”, OR “Toxic” (not to mention her “lesser hits), but she wins for “Piece of Me”?! 3 awards?! In a year where she really didn’t do shit?! RIGGED. Not sure what MTV’s getting out of this deal – maybe they just want to be lauded as the place where her comeback got on track, but this was RIGGED. In other news, is it wrong that I really wanted Shrek…I mean, Jordin Sparks’s “No Air” to beat Rihanna? You know, so then, it’d be like Rihanna got beat by her own man singing with another chick. That would’ve been priceless!

This post goes out to MPH and the rest of the OC crew. And, I’m out!

18th Jul2008

A Dent In The White House?

by Will

“He must’ve had fun making those!”

OK, so I saw The Dark Knight tonight. All I’m going to say right now is that it was a very good movie. Not gonna say “it was awesome” or “it was the best fucking movie ever”, because that would be way too “fanboy”. I will say, however, that it was a very good movie. I’ve got a post coming up, but I’ll wait til Monday, to give the rest of you peasants a chance to see it.

While sitting in the theatre, though, something occurred to me:

Imagine you had a biracial candidate for high public office. Everyone feels that he is the change that people need and want, and all of this responsibility is on his shoulders. He is the future, but it’s still quite the burden to bear. All of this pressure has got to manifest in him in some, odd way. Well, imagine if there was a cartoon depiction of said candidate. He would probably look something like this:

And we all remember what happened to him

Just sayin’, folks! Just sayin’…Not a sermon; just a thought!.

Anyway, come back for the full review on Monday. Oh, and The Watchmen trailer is a piece of shit.

09th Jul2008

Real World Analysis & My Amazing Treadmill Deal

by Will

“I don’t do it it for my health, man I do it for the belt.”

-OK, something I need to get off my chest: voting is NOT “cool”. I’m so sick of Rock the Vote, Choose or Lose, or any of the promotions that feel they need to pander to the lowest common denominator just to get people to register to vote. Yes, voting is important, but it is not cool. There’s a big difference there. A prostate exam is important, but it ain’t cool. People need to learn that there are things in life that should be done, regardless of how it might look to their friends. If you need Usher to remind you to vote, then maybe your ass doesn’t deserve the right.

-You know, I wanted to hate Tila Tequila last week, but I actually felt sorry when that chick rejected the key to her heart. I mean, nobody likes being dumped. Then, I watched One Shot Too Many last night, and I found myself hating her all over again. I remember her wanting to be an actress, but she really needs to learn to fake some tears better than she was doing – she could use some lessons from Real World Will.

-Speaking of Will, why did he have to become the House A-hole? I mean, I did think he went off on Greg for some nefarious reasons, but Greg was a douche and deserved to have something happen to him. That said, Will came with some pretty vicious stuff, especially when he started talking about Greg’s dead dad. I figured, well, when Greg gets kicked out, Will won’t be a dick anymore. Man, was I wrong! And what’s up with the Janelle hook-up? She just happened to be in the area? In the same bar that the house mates just happened to stumble into?Sure, what a coincidence… 😛

-You know, the producers could be on to something there: have an older group of house mates (those busy on the nightclub promotion circuit) “drop in” on the current cast, and serve in a mentor capacity. After all, they’ve been there and done that, so they could help steer the new cast out of trouble. Well, that’s how it would look on paper. In reality, it would just open the door for some intercast, possibly inter-generational (especially if Cyrus pops up) hook-ups, and more potential drama. It’ll be amazing television! It’s like when Power Rangers started doing the annual team-ups, where the old team, with their experience and cockiness, would come to the aid of the green, inexperienced new team. Zords would meet, flirtation would occur, and you’d get a kickass 10-ranger morph sequence. This would be just like that, only with more hot tubs, alcohol, and blurred nudity.

-It was pretty weird seeing Summer Rayne on Real World. I’m sure I’ve mentioned her before, but Summer Rayne Oakes is an eco-friendly fashion model. And I went to college with her. It’s weird to see her model stuff, ’cause that’s not how she carried herself in school. She was more Ms. Outdoors, always coming from a hike or a bike ride. Then, we graduate, and she’s this pretty famous eco-conscious model, with her own foundation that spreads eco-awareness in between lingerie shoots. Interesting combo, but she seems to pull it off. Anyway, RW added these bumpers this season, where the house mates give us tips on how to be more eco-friendly. If you saw the cute brunette teaching them how to use their stove, that was Summer Rayne.

-While RW‘s ratings have been higher than in recent seasons, I’m not sure I like the 1-hour format. It unnecessarily burns through the season in half the time. Tonight was the season finale, and I still don’t feel like I got to know this cast. Sure, it’s a shallow show, but I don’t feel there were any real character arcs here. Very little development occurred, and when it happened, it was usually for the worst. Brianna didn’t decide to turn her back on stripping. Instead, she realized she was lazy and didn’t like to work. Joey found sobriety, but also an ugly girlfriend, who he wouldn’t have given the time of day back during his coke binges. I still don’t know a damn thing about Dave or Kim, except Dave can be cool at times, while Kim has a lot to learn about black people. I wanted to like Sarah. Hell, I wanted to love Sarah, but something about her just kept her out of reach. She was too reminiscent of Rachel Campos, from the San Francisco season: the “I want to cool with you, but my conservative views keep me from condoning your lifestyle” kind of vibe. We didn’t know Nick or Brittini long enough to form opinions. And well, we already know how I feel about Will.

-How did Li’l Wayne sell 1 million albums in one week, when everybody had already illegally downloaded the album?! I don’t even listen to that stuff, and I downloaded it! It’s common knowledge that the record label buys, maybe, 100,000 copies of a “star’s” album’s release so that they can affect that Billboard numbers. That’s how you know when a label isn’t supporting its artist. Ashley Simpson’s Bittersweet World sold 47,000 copies the week it was released, making it pretty clear that Geffen doesn’t give a shit about Ashley Simpson as an artist on their roster. That said, I find it hard to believe that Universal bought the bulk of the total copies of Tha Carter III sold, but I find it harder to believe that they were purchased by the general public. It boggles the mind.

-I can’t believe Finola actually kicked a chick off How Do I Look! It was definitely one for the record books. If you get a chance to watch the episode with the punk chick, named Plum, I highly suggest you take a seat for some great, angsty television!

-Can someone please explain Vampire Weekend to me? I just don’t get it. They’ve been the darling of music blog scene for the past 6 months, and I’m starting to feel like I did when I missed that Harry Potter bandwagon. “Oxford Comma” kinda has something to it, but I just don’t get them as an act. I know the preppy thing is their gimmick, but it just looks like The Hangovers started playing instruments. I love those guys, but I don’t exactly see that as something that would take the musical world by storm. Someone, please tell me what I’m missing here.

-Hey, Sara Bareilles! Glad to see MTV decided to promote you this week. Too bad your album came out over a year ago. So, do you have a movie coming out or something? No? Well…um…wow, this is awkward…Well, enjoy yourself, ’cause they’ll probably move on to Katy Perry next Monday, and give all their commercial break bumpers to her.

-Every few years, I find that I get on this contemporary Christian music kick. What can I say? They stole all the best melodies. What am I saying? God stole all the best melodies. That said, I currently recommend tobyMac’s “Lose My Soul”, which features a cameo by Kirk Franklin. I don’t think you’re allowed to release a Christian album without Kirk having his hand in it somehow. The man’s got a mafia hold on that industry!

– I leave you with a tale that I call: Encyclopedia Will & the Case of the Clearance Treadmill. You see, I’ve always wanted a treadmill. I had a stepper, but I think I was over the weight limit, as it was made for women, and I proceeded to tear the steel housing of the base. Yeah, I’d be ashamed if it didn’t look so cool. It was like Superman had ripped it apart. But I digress…So, I was in K-Mart (why, I don’t know, as I’ve vowed on many occasions to never go there again) and I ran across a treadmill on clearance. It had been $329, but was no going for $165. I always figured I’d end up with an el cheapo treadmill, as I have no use for a gym-caliber machine right now. So, I came home to make sure I had the space, and once it was confirmed, I went back up to the store to buy it. I mean, I wasn’t going to find a treadmill any cheaper. Or so I thought.

I drag the thing up to the register, and the cashier can’t scan it, as the barcode is all scratched out. She finds a number on the side, and puts that in the system. I’m not paying attention, and she says something to me about $33. I think she’s trying to sell me some buyer protection racket, so I decline. She calls over the manager, and he puts in the same number from the box, and it becomes evident that the treadmill is on super clearance, and is ringing up for $33! Other managers start to gather around, and I become the most hated person in the store, as they realize they’d missed a deal that had been right under their noses. They start asking, “Are there any more back there?” I respond, “I don’t know. You work here, you’d know that better than me“. Yeah, in hindsight, I guess I wasn’t winning many friends in this scenario. The store director just looks at me and says, “Man, you got a Hell of a deal.” Then, I had to get it into the car.

You see, I hadn’t taken any kind of measurements, but I just assumed that it would fit in the car. Well, you know what happens when we assume…So, I’m struggling with this thing, as the employees are hoping it doesn’t fit, as then I’ll have to return it and they’ll have their shot. I take the parts out of the box, and manage to get them all in the car, at the expense of breathing room. I drove home hunched over the steering wheel like a senior citizen with cataracts. Needless to say, I got it home and then went out drinking. Later, I came home and put the thing together DRUNK. That’s how big of a rockstar I am! I’m rocker than the rocks in Montana! Anyway, here we are, 3 weeks later, and I’ve got no complaints. It was certainly a steal, and it’s the best fitness investment I’ve made since Billy’s Boot Camp. Now, let’s just hope I stick with it a little longer than I stuck with Mr. Blanks…

16th Jan2008

Spider-Man: One More Day, One Tree Hill, and Patrick Warburton

by Will

“Crackheads’ll wobble, but they won’t fall down.”

Watching Katt Williams, while reading an article on the dynamics of the Clinton-Gore relationship during the 2000 elections. That, folks, is a great example of how complex and screwed up I am…Anyway, it’s been some time since I’ve posted, so I figured I was overdue. Here’s just a random sampling of things on my mind at the moment. You know the drill:

-So, Spider-Man’s got no wife now. Huh. Not quite sure how to take that. For those of you who don’t read comics, but only know the Spidey story via the movies, here’s a recap: in the comic, Spider-Man and MJ have been married since the 80’s (it’s only been about 5 years in their timeline). She knew he was Spider-Man, and he had the benefit of having a hot-ass, supermodel/actress wife. I always hated that.

Spider-Man is the everyman hero. People like the character because they see themselves in him. He’s the underdog. He just can’t catch a break. He struggles with his bills, he wrestles with the guilt surrounding the deaths of loved ones, and he really just wants to find “the big happy”, to borrow from another source. Despite all this, he had a hot-ass supermodel/actress for a wife. You know what that means? No matter how bad of a day he had, he would always get to come home…to supermodel sex. I (and probably you, if you’re reading this) will never experience supermodel sex, but I figure it ranks somewhere between winning the lottery and getting an extra McNugget in your 6-piece. I can’t feel sorry for that guy. Yeah, your uncle died and your old girlfriend was thrown off a bridge. So what? You’ve got supermodel sex. It’s a cure-all, kinda like Vick’s Vaporub (there’s NOTHING that can’t be cured by Vick’s!).

Anyway, they went through the usual comic/soap opera stuff: they got married, she got kidnapped, he found her, she got pregnant, baby was kidnapped, baby was forgotten about like Judy on Family Matters, MJ got on plane, plane blew up, Peter grieved and moved on, turns out death was faked, they reconcile, they separate, they reconcile, his aunt gets shot, he sacrifices marriage to save geriatric aunt, marriage never happened. Rinse and repeat.

Yeah, due to the fact that they ran out of ideas, the great comic people had Spidey reveal his identity as Peter Parker to the world (long story!). This, of course, paints a target on him and his family. Crime boss puts a hit on Spidey, and thug ends up shooting his Aunt May instead. Peter, then, MAKES A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL. Yes, THE Devil, who brings his aunt back to life but at the cost of the pure, rare love that Peter and MJ share. Huh? That’s just as stupid as some fat sea witch stealing my voice and keeping it in a clam. Apparently, the guilt over having his old ass aunt getting caught in the crossfire just ruined the idea of supermodel sex for him. That poor bastard. So, even though she’s 80 and probably gonna die soon anyway, Peter takes THE DEVIL (!) up on his offer and brings his aunt back to life. Yeah, nothing bad could result from this. This, in effect, resets the world so that the marriage never happened. Ever. I can’t even get into everything that’s wrong with this idea…And I’m finding that I actually miss MJ. Instead of being “just that hot chick”, she grounded Peter and let him know that the little guy can win every now and then. Plus, there was the sex. And he had to go and throw it all away!

-I finally saw Transformers. Yeah, I’m sure a lot of you figured that I would be in line on opening day, but I’ve actually never been much of a Transfan. The lore is just too confusing, and the concept just seems kind of boring after a bit. Just as G.I.Joe will never beat Cobra, the Autobots will never beat the Decepticons. The ongoing battle between good and evil. And that gets boring. On top of that, the company with the TF comic license is one of my biggest accounts. Over the summer, I had Transformers coming out of the ass, as I had to coordinate things with the movie release. By the time the movie actually came out, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and watch it. Anyway, I really liked that movie, especially more than I thought I would. Megan Fox is gorgeous (“David Silver” is a lucky, lucky man!) and Shia was a good leading…kid. All in all, it was a really good movie. Not a great movie, but a really good one.

-I also saw Juno, which is one of my favorite movies of the past 5 years. It was excellent. It had that Ghost World sensibility without all of the aloofness. Juno would be the perfect girlfriend (you know, without the whole “accidental pregnancy” angle). I can only hope that my wife yells, “Thundercats are GO!” when her water breaks…

-The best part of Scott Baio is 46…and Pregnant is the music. I mean, last season, he was kind of a jerk, but you got where he was coming from: he was afraid of commitment. This season, however, he’s just a dick. The entire time, though, the soundtrack is blasting the songs you danced to at your 1987 prom. I swear it’s like playing GTA: Vice City…Anyway, I think the music is to remind us that Scott hasn’t really done anything in the past 20 yrs.

-I’m convinced that Patrick Warburton is the Cree Summer of the 21st century! I mean, is there an animated show where he doesn’t voice a character?! Sure, his legacy is probably going to be Puddy, but if you just IMDB the guy, you’ll realize he’s ev-er-y-where.

-Speaking of TV, I’ve got a problem with MTV’s Made. I’m sure I’ve probably written about this before, but it’s killing me how everyone, at the end, is successfully…Made. I know that’s terrible, and I should be rooting for them, but some of this shit is just out of left field. You get a weird, social outcast who does nothing but talk shit about all the popular kids in school. What does she want to be? Homecoming queen! So, not only do you have to give her a makeover and hope it sticks, but you’ve also got to convince the entire school to like her, despite her past transgressions. Do you know how evil teenagers are? Do you really think this will work? But it does! How much did MTV pay those classmates? Or, take the overweight, sporty-spice tomboy. What does she want to be made into? A model. WTF?! So, they get as close as they can. They decide to make her a plus-size model. They give her a fashion coach and send her to fashion week in NYC. And in the end, she makes it. I want to see a week of Almost Made, where the kid either fails or gives up. I need some balance to this fantasy.

-Thank Yahweh that One Tree Hill is back! Let me explain my history with this show. While everyone was jumping on The OC‘s bandwagon, I hitched my wagon to the little- show-that-could on The WB. It was a trite story, a modern day Cain & Abel story, set on a basketball court. Trust me, that’s deeper than they’ve ever acheived. But that was the gist of it. I found myself watching the show because I had a crush on Bethany Joy Galeotti (nee Lenz). I loved watching the struggle of Lucas and Nathan Scott, as they vied for the title of Best B-Baller in Tree Hill. I found myself madly in love with the adorable Sophia Bush, and the addition of Boy Meets World‘s. Minkis was the icing on the cake. It’s so much like Dawson’s Creek, even though people fail to recognize it. You watch it and find yourself saying, “Real kids don’t talk like that”. Just like the Creek, these kids try so hard. There’s so much angst and, to them, there’s so much at stake. I give it the Center Stage award, as (just like that movie) the actors pour their hearts and souls into a weak-ass plot. Here we are, 5 years later, and OTH has outlasted The OC, and is finally attracting an audience. With the strike going on, this is pretty much the only show I watch. Yes, I am a 15 year old girl…

This post goes out to Tracie in Arizona. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one reading this thing 🙂 If anyone else is reading this (besides James, Jenn, JJ, Tarek and King Kong), make yourself known!

12th Nov2007

Retarded Chris Brown, Black Republicans, Van Wilder-less Van Wilder 2

by Will

“Seriously, y’all, I’m punching a bear in the face!”

-Man, am I obsessed with Rihanna Jenkins! (Jeff’s the only one who’s gonna understand that joke). I just picked up Good Girl Gone Bad yesterday, and it is HOT. Just like everything else, I’m 6 months late to the game. I remember when I was jamming to “California Love”, and all my friends were like, “Will, Tupac’s been dead for 2 years.” Anyway, hottest track on this album, besides “Umbrella”, has got to be “Please Don’t Stop the Music”. It’s impossible to *not* dance while that track is playing. I love you, Rihanna!

-Why is it that whenever you see Chris Brown on a magazine cover, he’s always got that semi-retarded look on his face? Exhibit A:

“Kiss Kiss” nothing! Grab your Kleenex, ’cause this boy’s a drooler! You know the type. Their “handler” is always trying to take them to the mall, knowing full well that they’re gonna go crazy and throw a fit in the middle of the damn place. And everyone looks over, thinking, “Why in the Hell did she think she could bring that boy up in here like that?!”

– I really thought the Dewmocracy.com commercial was an Army recruitment video. I mean, the Marines almost got me a few times with their crafty camerawork and use of kickass looking swords. With the covert ops scenes, spliced in with the hints of a dystopian future, I was about to run down to the nearest recruitment office. It turns out they just want me to help design the new flavor of Mountain Dew. Not quite the same thing, but I’m willing to hear more…

I caught the last few minutes of Roadhouse on Spike the other night. Could someone please tell me what the fuck that movie was about? I saw some guy who looked like Santa Claus lying on the ground, and I think Patrick Swayze vowed to avenge him. And then these guys stormed a house, and Swayze beat the shit out of them, even though they had shotguns. And then a polar bear fell on some guy. It was all capped off by the main villain getting shot through a glass coffee table.

Now, I don’t have any old issues of Architectural Digest, but those glass top coffee tables seem to have been a staple of the time, and villains were always being shot or thrown through them. I know everybody wants to be a gangsta, but you have to decorate accordingly. If you’re in a line of work where shoot-outs may occur, you don’t want your home/office filled with glass. It’s just common sense, people. Seriously, though: What the fuck was Roadhouse supposed to be about?

-OK, I know that banner ads are supposed to be in-tune with the webpage on which they’re placed. However, I do believe that some things can go too far. Yesterday, I was trying to catch up on recent events on Sunday Best, so I hopped over to BET.com. Well, immediately, my eye was caught by a flashy-ass ad which could not be ignored: the entire side of the page was consumed by an ad for KFC. I shit you not. I clicked through several pages, but it was still there. KFC must be the biggest supporter of Black Entertainment Television.

Honestly, I hate watching BET (and formerly UPN) at this time of year, ’cause you’d think that all Black people do is eat chicken and shop at Wal-Mart. The hippies can give up Wal-Mart all they want ’cause the Black folks ain’t goin’ nowhere! I swear, Wal-Mart LOVES them some Black folks at Christmas time. The commercials have already started. The latest one is where the Black family buys grandpa a plasma TV. My favorite part is where they reassure him that they didn’t pay a lot of money for it. The commercial is geared toward this ideal: White guy’s response would be: “Well isn’t that great! I can watch the big game on it.” But Black guy’s response is immediately, “Y’all know we ain’t got money for this!” Gotta know your audience…

-Speaking of race, there’s no one who gets my pity more than the Black Republican on Election Night. You better believe that they’re gonna make sure to get him in every camera shot. He’s off to the side of the podium, just smiling and clapping, and every news outlet has to show that the Republican party is diversifying its ranks. The saddest part is that the dude is always out of place. It’s like he’s just not in on the joke. Even when they win, the Black dude is always left out of the congratulations proceedings. Everyone’s trading hearty handshakes, and he’s just still smiling and clapping. Sometimes he’ll even join in when the White guys start doing the whole Arsenio Hall Dog Pound Fist Cyclone (we gave that to them in 1996 when they let us have Mariah Carey). But even when they break out high-fives (for which he immediately feels well-suited), they high-five all around him. Sorry, Negro. Too slow! I swear, that guy must be the most hated guy ever because, for that one night, he’s the ironic victim of equal-opportunity hatred: Black Democrats, White Democrats, Many White Republicans, Green Partiers, Non-voters, his predominantly Democrat family, as well as his White wife’s family.

-How are you gonna have Van Wilder 2 without Van Wilder?! Also, I’m pretty sure Kal Penn is getting tired of faking that accent. It’s such a phoned-in performance, as the movie is more like Kumar Goes to England than it was about Taj. In the first Van Wilder, Taj was pretty fresh off the boat, and had only achieved a shred of cool by the end of that movie. In the sequel, he was the coolest guy ever (like Kal played in Harold & Kumar), while making fun of the British class system. Don’t bother with this movie, as you’ve seen it 25 times before. It’s Revenge of the Nerds meets Old School meets Bend It Like Beckham. If you want a funny college movie, though, you should see Grandma’s Boy. SO much better than people thought…

Well, that’s enough rambling for one day. In the immortal words of R.E.O. Speedwagon, “I believe it’s time for me to fly…”

27th Feb2006

Probably A Little In Poor Taste…

by Will

“It’s been a long road, gettin’ from there to here…”

So, will somebody PLEASE clear up this Jill Carroll thing once and for all? I swear, this chick is like the new 2pac: Every time we think she’s dead, she goes and releases another tape.

06th Oct2005

Cornell’s Sorority System, Described Using Celebrities du Jour

by Will

“I’m not above putting out for cash!”

So, to show you just how bored I tend to get at work, the following is a little project I gave myself the other day. With the help of my good web friend, Wikipedia , I set out to take a trip down Cornell memory lane. While doing this, I began to think of the fun times, the party times. And sometimes these involved crashing some kind of Greek mixer. In fact, I remember a Sig Ep/Kappa Delta mixer where the guys spent most of the evening sneering and me and Lip from the staircase as we took over the party. You know it was a lame party if Lip and I were the main event, but that was what happened some cold nights in Ithaca.

Anyway, while looking back, I began to remember the distinct personalities of the houses. There are different frats (yeah, yeah, “You wouldn’t call your country…”) and sororities because they’re all into different things. Yes, kids, it’s the high school cafeteria all over again. So, instead of trying to describe these different social mindsets, I decided to use examples instead. Yup, I went through all of the sororities on Cornell’s campus, and then found an actual celebrity alumnae from those specific houses, some Cornell alums, some alums of other schools, that best illustrate the general “theme” of the house. By “theme”, I’m basing it upon looks and personality. You may find some of these to be harsh. You may find some to be spot on. But all I can promise is that this is one guy’s Cornell-centric opinion, and these are all true alums of the houses. And if you don’t know a particular name, don’t be afraid to Google that mofo. So, away we go!

UPDATE: I simply love commentary too much to list names without explanation. Let’s see how much I can offend some people…

Delta Gamma – Ann Coulter
Bunch of blond, rich, White Republican girls. In my best James Lamb voice, “They wanted nothing to do with me.”

Chi Omega – Joyce DeWitt
Sure, in the South, “Chi Ho” is the shizzle, but not where I’m from. On the hill, this house is nothing but a breeding ground of “Janets” for the rest of the world’s “Chrissies”.

Pi Beta Phi – Jennifer Garner
Hottie hot-hot sporty spicers. You want a hot chick who could also take you down in a fight? This is your house. Buyer beware, some of them are “beautifully musculine”. Just sayin’…Anyway, I like to refer to this as The House of Tarek.

Kappa Delta – Ellen Dow
Sure, they all mean well, but…

Delta Delta Delta – Katie Couric
Cute, but deadly. Unassuming, but that’s just what they want you to think. Sleep with one eye open.

Kappa Alpha Theta – Jenna Von Oy
Ahh…Theta. Now, this was a house of those “rough around the edges” chicks where you have to ask, “Are you SURE you wanna be in a sorority?”

Alpha Phi- Kimberly Williams
She’s got the look. Nanananana, nanananananana, nanananana!!!! In all seriousness, this was the best house of groupies EVER. I mean, these girls ate, slept, and breathed a cappella. Sure, it was a Hangover house, but that seemed to change over time…

Kappa Kappa Gamma – Sophia Bush
Every girl in Kappa looks like this girl. And they all work for Morgan Stanley. They will stab you in the back if there’s an internship in it for them. Sounds like some kind of “One Tree Hill” plotline. In fact, I can’t look at any of them anymore without Gavin DeGraw popping into my head…

Alpha Chi Omega – Dawn Wells
The girl who used to be cute and sweet during orientation who’s now cute and a bitch. Wow, it’s amazing how Rush can change a person. Plus, y’all know that Ginger was the movie star, but Mary Ann HAD to have a chip on her shoulder!

Sigma Delta Tau – Joan Rivers
A bunch of loud Jewish girls. Yeah, I said it. And I loved how all their sweaters and crap said “EAT”.

Alpha Omicron Pi – Courtney Kupets
A bunch of girls with NOTHING in common who really just wanted to tell their friends back home that they were in a sorority. Honestly, you couldn’t find a larger, more motley group. These girls had NO business being together, as they were all gymnasts or ecologists looking for something to do over breaks…

Wow, this post came off really bitter, like they all rejected me or something. Nothing could be further from the truth. In all honesty, the Greek thing wasn’t really my scene. We did the parties when we had jack nothing else to do. But these were my observations from our “away team” missions. Anyway, it’s not like anybody from these houses is even gonna see this post…

10th Jul2005

Rudy Guiliani: Lightning Rod For Disaster

by Will

“When you make an omelette, sometimes you’ve gotta kill a few people.”

So, I’m not sure how many of you have read this, but apparently Rudy Guiliani was in London, on the day of the bombings, not far from the Kings Cross station.

Now, my question is: How much bad luck can one guy have? You go through something like 9/11, and everyone tells you, “Yeah, it was horrible, but you’ll hopefully never have to experience anything like that again.” Yet, lo and behold, 4 yrs later…

What must’ve been going through his mind? Did he start having flashbacks?

It’s truly unfortunate, but I have to wonder if maybe he’s cursed or something. Kinda like Gloria Estefan…