06th Oct2004

First Family Missed Connections

by Will

So, my new hobby is reading the Missed Connections on Craigslist.org. These things are just too funny sometimes. But guess what I found the other night. First, I have to give Wonkette credit for pointing it out ’cause I just kinda skimmed it the first time i read it. So, look closely to what I mean…

“Secret G-town bar – w4m – 22

Reply to: anon-44420088@craigslist.org

Date: 2004-10-03, 11:18PM EDT

You walked through the hidden iron doors on Saturday night looking very dapper in your suit. It looked like you were with your family, possibly siblings. A pair of twins, perhaps? That runs in my family, too. I watched you talk about mail order frogs with some floosie. I wanted to share my love for amphibians with you as well, but it is so difficult with the secret service always following me around. Will we meet again on the corner of Wisconsin and O?

this is in or around Georgetown”

It’s one of W’s daughters! Those twins use Craigslist to find their crushes! This is just too sad/cool! Man, I’ll bet Chelsea never resorted to anything like this. Then again, Chelsea was kind of a dog back then…

30th Sep2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 I

by Will

Running Commentary of Debate ’04 I

Wow, Kerry finally grew some balls! I think this is the first time he’s ever said he was out to kill the terrorists. Before, he was fickle, but he’s after Osama, too.

Plus, gotta say, CBS had the best reaction shots, and they did not favor W too well. He was looking like a baby who’d shit his diaper when Kerry plopped his goods right on the table (being figurative here for those who missed the debate!)

Kerry simply took notes during his down time, while W has a very peculiar “default” look whenever he’s not required to speak…

Also LOVED when Kerry accused W of outsourcing to Afghan mercs to find Osama when we, the most powerful military force in the world, were the most capable of getting the job done.

Kerry “spoke so well” ’cause he finally had a stance, while W simply played defense. Didn’t learn much more about the W camp than we already knew, but we got good intel from Kerry…

W waited a full 15 mins to attack Kerry for voting FOR the war. I DO, feel that, now that Kerry’s acknowledged he’s anti-terrorist, he’s doing a lot more “Osama hiding.” That’s when you scapegoat Osama for all the shit in the world. Lack of school funding? Blame the terrorists. Your kid lost his soccer game? Osama probably had something to do with it. Kerry’s really hiding behind Osama, almost as much as the Republican party, which kind of adds to his “flip-flop” reputation…

Best part was when W asked how Kerry was gonna pay for all the anti-terrorist protection. He turned into that smarmy kid who always sits at the back of the classroom. Involed a lot of shrugging and head cocking. I can’t even describe it. You just had to see it… He capped it off by slinging another “Old West” style threat at the terrorists…

Gotta love when W has to say pronounce a foreigner’s name. You always get the feeling that he almost didn’t get it out. He’s always going the “Hooked on Phonics” route, as he sounds it out…

Kerry comes off as a politician, while W makes me feel like he’s trying to sell me a car. And he knows it ain’t the best car, but he’s doing his damnedest to make sure I drive off the lot in it today…

Kerry…big words, but I’m not sold. I’m not sure he beleives what he’s saying. It sounds like he’s done a good job memorizing and rehearsing. While, W seems like he had np prep at all. Just kinda slingin’ babrs when he hears something he doesn’t like…

Gotta say, I’m loving W’s “Can you believe this shit?” face that he wears whenever Kerry’s speaking….

Kerry seems to be pushing the right buttons, which may ’cause W to veer from the script, giving the networks that “Oh Shit!” moment they’re so desperately waiting for…

“You forgot Poland”? Wow, he’s getting desperate…

W just “ummed” a little too much to sound intelligent. He’s running out of steam. He’s on the ropes. He’s starting to sound like your old senile uncle at the family reunion who starts telling a story, and eventually loses his train of thought, causing his to spout a bunch of nonsense before trailing off….

Wait a minute…where did this W summit come from? I haven’t heard him mention a summit until Kerry did. Did W just gank the summit idea from Kerry before our very eyes?!!!

I’ve got it. W’s “default” face looks like Dana Carvey when he’s playing The Church Lady…

Well, you heard it here first: W doesn’t approve of changing positions. I wonder how Laura feels about this…

Nice touch, Kerry. “Do not confuse the war with the warriors.” That’s something everyone needs to remember…

Eww..Kerry just did a website plug. That’s kinda tacky….

Don’t really believe Kerry when he vows to “hunt and kill the terrorists”. W’s always got that glint in his eye when he says it. You don’t F with a glint! But Kerry…he’s gotta practice in front of the mirror between now and November…

“Pottery Barn Rule” That’s cute….

I swear, I haven’t heard freedom bandied about as a tangible good this much since I watched all those episodes of “G.I.Joe”…

Wow, Kerry just pulled a “Clinton”. While W was getting riled, Kerry popped a sly grin at somebody in the audience. Somebody better keep an eye on his cigars….

W’s getting all squinty. You know he’s in troublee when the squinting starts…

Uh-oh, W’s going after the Nerd Vote by knocking the notion of “international popularity”…

Hehe, he can’t pronounce “peninsula”….

Ohh…that was a good 4 seconds of silence….

Still saying “nucular”. You’d think someone would’ve corrected him by now. It’s been FOUR YRS!!!

Kerry’s done his homework. Very impressive…

W’s getting whiny…

I’m sorry, but $200 million ain’t that much money, in terms of aid. Hell, it cost Kevin Costner more than that to make “Waterworld”…

W’s rambling again….loaded, fake compliments. Oh yeah, YALE SUCKS!

“You can be certain and be wrong.” So true…

Stop riding coattails, W!

Not digging the redneck pronunciation of “Vladimir”…

“Putin” still makes me laugh when I hear it…

“I’m a pretty calm guy…I don’t take it personally…” You lie!

Why is it, during his closing statement, Kerry reminded me of a cracked-out, alternate reality version of Jay Leno? Yes, I’m weird, OK?

“We will fight the terrorists around the world…” Once again, that’s the same promise “G.I.Joe” used to make. Now, I know where the Bush camp is getting its motivation!

Eww…W just asked for our vote…just as tacky as Kerry’s website plug

AND THE WINNAH!!!!

For polish, tact, and diplomacy, I say Kerry

BUT

For passion, moxie, and sheer entertainment, I say W

So, we’re just gonna have to shelve this and go for best 2 out of 3!

To be continued….

13th Sep2004

The Caped Protester

by Will

Yay for Batman! I’m too busy to actually READ the news, so i just kinda skim it, hoping I can get some sense out of what I find. Anyway, Batman apparently gave the British authorities a good rogering by protesting outside the palace. Not really sure what it was for. Don’t really care. It’s BATMAN! Keep up the good work, Caped Crusader!

04th Sep2004

Who Knew You Could Sue Terrorists?

by Will

So, up to this point, I’ve had 227 posts. “Well there’s no place like home, with your family around you, you’re never alone…” You’re only gonna get that reference if you’re Black and over the age of 19. Anyway….

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/brokerage/2004-09-03-cantor-lawsuit_x.htm?csp=26&RM_Exclude=Juno

So, apparently Cantor Fitzgerald is suing al Qaeda…Can they DO that?!!!

If we could’ve taken this whole battle to the courtroom, we went about this ENTIRELY wrong!

All we needed was Matlock and Perry Mason on the case. Maybe bring in the OJ Dream Team and we’d have had this thing in the bag MONTHS ago! Whoda thunk you could sue terrorists?!!! And we didn’t try this option in the beginning?!!! I’d love to see THAT episode of Judge Judy:

“Mr….whatever your name is, I really don’t care at this point. Anyway, don’t piss on my knee and tell me it’s raining. Did you or did you not have a role in the 9/11 tragedy? Well, sir, Allah’s not here to defend himself, so let’s stay focused on you!”

02nd Aug2004

Oh, Wonkette!

by Will

A year ago, I was SO not a political person. But now, with Wonkette, and “Meet The Press” as my favorite show, I can’t get enough of this shit! It’s like “The West Wing”, but real and more entertaining. That’s right, folks! I am Will West, reporting for duty!

So, here’s a funny little tidbit overheard at the DNC last week, courtesy of wonkette.com:

Op-ed columnist:  “Barack Obama is like the black Colin Powell.”

Journalist: “What?”

Op-ed columnist: “Oh — ha — I mean the Democratic Colin Powell”.

Journalist: “First one’s better.”

29th Jul2004

Bill Clinton: Always Entertaining

by Will

“I am a War President! I sit in the Oval Office, making important decisions, all the time with WAR ON MY MIND!”

-who do you think?

I swear, I missed the Clinton years because that man was an entertaining gentleman. He was a Playa’s Playa. But now, I find The Replacement to be just as entertaining, but in a comedic sort of way. Great comedic timing. Too bad he was being serious….

Anyway, I’d kinda like Clinton & Bush to team up. Just think about it. It’d be like “48 Hours” or “Fastlane”.  I call it “Bushwhacked!” Don’t forget the exclamation point; that’s a very important part of the title! A good “buddy cop” scenario. One guy would be busy chasing skirts, while the other is the tough-as-nails take no guff, “bad cop”, who’s hell-bent on getting his man. Wow, that’d be a great show. Too bad it won’t happen….Well, who knows what’ll happen after November? After all, there was talk of Clinton having his own daytime talkshow at one point. Man, it would’ve sucked for the former POTUS to get stomped by Oprah in the ratings. Either way, I’d look closely at UPN’s next Fall lineup if I were you. You never know what might pop up…

28th Jul2004

Fahrenheit 9/11: See It

by Will

Everybody should see “Fahrenheit 9/11”!!! This is one of my new favorite movies. Wow. PLEASE see this movie! I beg of you, SEE THIS MOVIE!

18th Jul2004

Will & JJ’s Ho Hunt

by Will

Wow, it’s been a long time since an adventure like THAT! So, last night was quite a night…

First off, my day started kinda shitty ’cause I was late to work for reasons that I couldn’t control, yet they still wrote me up for it. I started the whole “I’m too good for this shit, why am I here, I really gotta leave this place” stuff in my head. Then, out of nowhere, I started getting all these compliments.

We have this thing called a “Snap Board” where people give you “snaps” for doing something good. I saw that I had 3 new snaps for stuff I hadn’t even realized I’d done. I was like, “Wow, they really like me”..Still too good for that place, though.

So, we were all trying to hang out after work ’cause one of the guys had a friend in town, and he wanted to have a big group go out. We were going to Dave & Buster’s, but at the last minute, he decided to go to Apex. That’s the curse of being the only straight male in the H&M Corporation. I was NOT going to Apex ’cause I didn’t feel like dealing with all of that, so I opted out.

Now, from the producers of “Dude, Where’s My Car?” and “Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle”, comes “Will & JJ’s ‘Ho Hunt”. It’s not as misogynistic as it sounds, but it is a literal definition of what happened next. We got bored, and were just driving around, as we found ourselves downtown, around K & 12th Streets. Anyone from this region knows what that meant; politicians ain’t the only thing downtown. All of a sudden, prostitutes were coming out of the woodwork. The service roads were backed up with dudes pulling over trying to get a little lovin’.

We were stopped behind a minvan @ a traffic light, when suddenly, a ‘ho just pops out of the side door, adjusting her outfit. I swear, I BET a segment of the Bang Bus was happening right in front of us, and we never even knew it.

So, as we keep driving, trying to get back to MD, more and more hookers. Then, the cops came. They started taping off the service roads so the ‘hos would have nowhere to pick up Johns. Then, they started stopping the younger looking ones, lecturing them about the dangers. It was just like it happens on “COPS”.

The crowning moment of the night was when we saw a guy running out of the alley, smiling like it was his birthday, as he pulled up his pants. JJ’s golden statement? “Dude, he just got served!”

Finally got out of Gomorrah, and passed out at home around 6 AM. Man, that was fun….

13th Jun2004

I Kinda Want An Uppity Negro Shirt…

by Will

Someone needs to tell James that it’s June and NOT May. His blog seems confused. Oh wait…I guess that means he’s gotten lazy again. Well, if he were around, he’d probably want you to visit http://www.uppitynegro.com . The site sells t-shirts with ironic messages, such as “ungrateful negro” and “uppity negro”. Each shirt has meaning, but the company’s owner doesn’t feel that the White world can grasp the emphasis of her message. In fact, she refuses to sell her wares to White customers until she’s spoken with them, and understands that they have an understanding of the Black struggle.

Now, I’m not much for politics. Well, I’m not much for VOCAL politics. If you really know me, then you know my views, but I’m not gonna take up much blog space getting ’em out. I DO, however, feel this is an interesting company, plus I like the design of the merchandise. The shirts have been seen on Dave Chappelle, Spike Lee, and others. Click on over and check it out. I don’t know, but something about this site feels very “James Lamb” to me. It’s a shame I’ve gotta do his dirty work for him! WTF?!!

24th May2004

Washingtonienne

by Will

So, apparently, something newsworthy came out of Central NY that’s NOT about Cornell. For all you politicos out there, I’m sure you’ve heard about the controversy surrounding “Washingtonienne”, AKA Jessica Cutler. Ms. Cutler, a Syracuse grad, was a Capitol Hill staffer who routinely engaged in office sex, while playing a couple of guys on the side. The problem here is that she decided to post about each encounter on her blog…at work….on Capitol Hill. So, of course, she was fired last week for inappropriate use of government computers and equipment. She claims she didn’t really care because she hated the job anyway. Apparently, she’d decided that 25K was just too little to live off of, so most of her living expenses were paid by the men she was sleeping with. In fact, one guy in her posse routinely gave her $400 for anal sex. The beauty of the whole affair is her blase attitude about it all. To read her whole journal for yourself, hop on over to http://washingtoniennearchive.blogspot.com , and there’s a color picture of her at http://www.ilovejennabush.com. She keeps talking about how hot she is, but she’s not really. I guess I’ve got to applaud her moxy and inflated sense of self worth. Anyway, I think Monica taught us all that anyone can get laid on Capitol Hill. God Bless America!

Pages:«1...7891011121314»