13th Oct2004

Apparently, I Slept Through The Presidential Debates

by Will

FUCK!!!

Where’s the third and final commentary?

I missed it. I passed the fuck out.

And you know what’s worse? I remember 9:00 on the dot. Next thing I knew, it was 10:50. Anybody got the number for Mulder & Scully?I believe one of the candidates’ campaign members slipped me a mickey to keep the truth from getting out.

Yup, I’m THAT damn important!

This is almost as bad as when I missed the last episode of “Family Matters”! All that viewership for nothing…

So, from what I can pick up from various soundbytes, I’m giving it all to Kerry. Some accounts don’t make it sound like he was as strong as previous showings, but any man who can make a Tony Soprano reference in an important speech is alright in my book! Let’s bring some pop culture back into the White House. Give some tax cuts to Hot Topic and Spencer Gifts. Anyway, that’s all I got. We’re giving the series to Kerry. Hopefully, we’ll all get some complimentary ketchup for our troubles or something…

Stay tuned as the finalists square off in 3 weeks in front of a live studio audience. Our special celebrity judges will be Jon Stewart, Pat Sajak, Paula Abdul, and Jim. J Bullock. So, remember to keep phoning in your votes at 1-888-NEW-PREZ

I’m Will West, and I approve this message…

12th Oct2004

Sex For Votes. I Can Dig It.

by Will

Votergasm.org

Quite possibly the GREATEST IDEA EVER!!!

08th Oct2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 II

by Will

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 II

How’d Charles Gibson get chosen for this? Is “Good Morning America” hard-hitting news? Will Matt Lauer be hosting the next round? Where are the REAL journalists?

W looks kinda robotic this round. He does whatever Kerry does. Kerry waves, W-bot waves…

Gotta love Kerry and his “thank you’s”. He never fails with these, and he’s like a hood-rat winning an American Music Award. Only person he forgets to thank is “The Big Man Upstairs…”

W doesn’t look comfortable holding a mic. He’s like the dad making a toast at a wedding, who’s never really spoken publicly before…

“After 9/11, we had to learn to look at the world differently.” He’s starting the heroic grandstanding already…

“Thought there was weapons there.” Shouldn’t he have said “were”?

Couldn’t they have shppied some minorities to Missouri, just for the night? Nelly’s from St. Louis! Was he too busy to pose a few crunk questions?

So, it’s basically John “Reach Out To Our Allies” Kerry vs. George “The ‘W’ Stands for All The Hard Work” Bush…

Still accusing of “wrong war, wrong time, wrong place”…

W’s listing the contents of his political Black Book. Wow, you talk to Tony Blair, how special that must be for you!

“The war on terror is about making sure these terrorist organizations don’t get weapons of mass destruction!” Yo, Joe, indeed! We’re going after Destro next….

Hey, they found a Black chick!

He’s rambling again…”brought in front of a judge”

I love W’s little pompous nod he does when he concludes each rebuttal…

W’s going all “Blinky Bill” right now. It’s like a nervous twitch or something…

“Military’s job is to win the war. The president’s job is to win the peace.” Nice

Kerry, you’re not answering the Iran question. You’re mudslinging like W. Answer the question. What would you do?

Actually, you DID scowl…

W’s got a good ‘Dr. Phil” act going, walking around, working the crowd…

W mentions the internet as if it’s some kind of mythological beast of lore: ” I’ve heard there are rumors on the…’internet’…” You could almost see him wanting to make those little quote gestures with his fingers…

Still can’t pronounce “peninsula”

That “forget about the draft” promise was the equivalent of his dad’s “Read my lips” speech, and we all remember how THAT turned out…

2nd Reagan reference of the night. Who’ll be the first to namedrop Clinton?

W just broke the rules of the debate. Now, he’s got beef with Gibson. “No, let me answer this!”

Whoa, Kerry…I think I’m sold…

That “intelligence” reference was a veiled attack on two levels. Well played, Kerry…

“Hard work” reference. Republicans drink a shot!

“Working overtime”…SOCIAL!

Drug discount cards? THAT’S your defense?

W’s first to mention Clinton, moves back three spaces…

Did W just wink at somebody?

3rd Reagan reference..Man, we’ve gotta add those to the rules for the drinking game…

Kerry oh so loves those tacky website plugs…

Black dude in the audience looks pissed…”They told me Beyonce was gonna be here!”

“Tax Cut Question Guy”, we’ll call him “Fratboy Dave”, doesn’t look too pleased with Kerry’s answer…

“It’s not credible”. Ah, that brings back memories of “Not gonna do it, wouldn’t be prudent…”

“You can run, but you can’t hide”? What’s that all about?

One hour in, and no “gay marriage” question? They shipped in some Black folks, so you just KNOW there’s gotta be a petgroomer and his antique dealing partner in the audience SOMEWHERE!

Love how W stammered over the “Common Sense Policy”

“The quality of the air’s been cleaner since I’ve been President.” Conceited much?

Ooh..not in good taste with the whole Red Sox knock, Kerry. They take the Curse of the Bambino VERY seriously…

“President that believes in science”? That just alienated the Bible Belt! And you’d been doing SO well, Kerry…

Why’s Kerry calling Gibson “Charlie”? Are they secretly golfing buddies or something?

W’s really harping on this “Kerry doesn’t show up for votes” thing. Did Kerry forget W’s birthday or something? ‘Cause he’s clearly bitter about something…

“Need some wood”? Oh, W! You little minx!

Wow, another Black guy!

Way to namedrop Teen Wolf, Kerry. Like Alex P. Keaton’s REALLY gonna win you some votes…

Wow, Kerry just told us he’s friends with Superman! Fucking SUPERMAN! Now, tell me. WHo are YOU voting for NOW?

I think W won the whole Stem Cell battle via “forced emotion” alone…

Gotta love that nod…

Climate’s shifting towards “Disciple vs. The Scientist”…

Something tells me W doesn’t fully understand the Dred Scott case. It’s one of those cases we all know by name, like Roe v. Wade, but couldn’t really argue if there was a gun to our heads. A good namedropping case…Makes one sounds intelligent…usually…

W just said “legislay-TORS”. They sounds evil. Are those new enemies we’ll be bombing in the coming months?

“I respect that…place you’re coming from.” That’s “Kerry” for “I’m about to disappoint you”

“It’s never quite as simple as the President would like for you to believe.” Truer words were never spoken…

Nice final question!

Ooh..”Mistakes appointing people?” Any of them rhyme with “Gondapeeza”?

WOULD Saddam still be in power? Interesting thought to leave us with…

I always laugh when Kerry says “kill”. It’s so cute…

“Thanks, it’s been enjoyable.” Somebody’s lying….

Wow, he busted out “haters” & “nexus” in one phrase. Talk about catering to the extremes. Somebody got a thesaurus & ebonics lessons since the last debate….

AND THE WINNAH!

Well, this round….

It’s a close one…

I think Kerry works better when not answering questions…but I don’t feel W really told us anything he’d do differently. But then again, his whole campaign is about “staying the course”…For now, I’m giving it to Kerry. We’ll check back in next Wednesday….

08th Oct2004

I Get It, I Get It! You Clearly Want Me To Vote.

by Will

Ok, I guess you could say I’ve finally reached an age when I notice the push for young people to vote, etc. I remember all the old Rock-The-Vote stuff, but it didn’t seem on the level that everything’s on now.

Is it just me, or is there an INSANE amount of “Please Vote!” going on? Yes, 2000 taught us that every vote counts, but is the situation THAT dire? And why do I get the impression that this may be the last election…ever? That’s very unsettling….

06th Oct2004

First Family Missed Connections

by Will

So, my new hobby is reading the Missed Connections on Craigslist.org. These things are just too funny sometimes. But guess what I found the other night. First, I have to give Wonkette credit for pointing it out ’cause I just kinda skimmed it the first time i read it. So, look closely to what I mean…

“Secret G-town bar – w4m – 22

Reply to: anon-44420088@craigslist.org

Date: 2004-10-03, 11:18PM EDT

You walked through the hidden iron doors on Saturday night looking very dapper in your suit. It looked like you were with your family, possibly siblings. A pair of twins, perhaps? That runs in my family, too. I watched you talk about mail order frogs with some floosie. I wanted to share my love for amphibians with you as well, but it is so difficult with the secret service always following me around. Will we meet again on the corner of Wisconsin and O?

this is in or around Georgetown”

It’s one of W’s daughters! Those twins use Craigslist to find their crushes! This is just too sad/cool! Man, I’ll bet Chelsea never resorted to anything like this. Then again, Chelsea was kind of a dog back then…

30th Sep2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 I

by Will

Running Commentary of Debate ’04 I

Wow, Kerry finally grew some balls! I think this is the first time he’s ever said he was out to kill the terrorists. Before, he was fickle, but he’s after Osama, too.

Plus, gotta say, CBS had the best reaction shots, and they did not favor W too well. He was looking like a baby who’d shit his diaper when Kerry plopped his goods right on the table (being figurative here for those who missed the debate!)

Kerry simply took notes during his down time, while W has a very peculiar “default” look whenever he’s not required to speak…

Also LOVED when Kerry accused W of outsourcing to Afghan mercs to find Osama when we, the most powerful military force in the world, were the most capable of getting the job done.

Kerry “spoke so well” ’cause he finally had a stance, while W simply played defense. Didn’t learn much more about the W camp than we already knew, but we got good intel from Kerry…

W waited a full 15 mins to attack Kerry for voting FOR the war. I DO, feel that, now that Kerry’s acknowledged he’s anti-terrorist, he’s doing a lot more “Osama hiding.” That’s when you scapegoat Osama for all the shit in the world. Lack of school funding? Blame the terrorists. Your kid lost his soccer game? Osama probably had something to do with it. Kerry’s really hiding behind Osama, almost as much as the Republican party, which kind of adds to his “flip-flop” reputation…

Best part was when W asked how Kerry was gonna pay for all the anti-terrorist protection. He turned into that smarmy kid who always sits at the back of the classroom. Involed a lot of shrugging and head cocking. I can’t even describe it. You just had to see it… He capped it off by slinging another “Old West” style threat at the terrorists…

Gotta love when W has to say pronounce a foreigner’s name. You always get the feeling that he almost didn’t get it out. He’s always going the “Hooked on Phonics” route, as he sounds it out…

Kerry comes off as a politician, while W makes me feel like he’s trying to sell me a car. And he knows it ain’t the best car, but he’s doing his damnedest to make sure I drive off the lot in it today…

Kerry…big words, but I’m not sold. I’m not sure he beleives what he’s saying. It sounds like he’s done a good job memorizing and rehearsing. While, W seems like he had np prep at all. Just kinda slingin’ babrs when he hears something he doesn’t like…

Gotta say, I’m loving W’s “Can you believe this shit?” face that he wears whenever Kerry’s speaking….

Kerry seems to be pushing the right buttons, which may ’cause W to veer from the script, giving the networks that “Oh Shit!” moment they’re so desperately waiting for…

“You forgot Poland”? Wow, he’s getting desperate…

W just “ummed” a little too much to sound intelligent. He’s running out of steam. He’s on the ropes. He’s starting to sound like your old senile uncle at the family reunion who starts telling a story, and eventually loses his train of thought, causing his to spout a bunch of nonsense before trailing off….

Wait a minute…where did this W summit come from? I haven’t heard him mention a summit until Kerry did. Did W just gank the summit idea from Kerry before our very eyes?!!!

I’ve got it. W’s “default” face looks like Dana Carvey when he’s playing The Church Lady…

Well, you heard it here first: W doesn’t approve of changing positions. I wonder how Laura feels about this…

Nice touch, Kerry. “Do not confuse the war with the warriors.” That’s something everyone needs to remember…

Eww..Kerry just did a website plug. That’s kinda tacky….

Don’t really believe Kerry when he vows to “hunt and kill the terrorists”. W’s always got that glint in his eye when he says it. You don’t F with a glint! But Kerry…he’s gotta practice in front of the mirror between now and November…

“Pottery Barn Rule” That’s cute….

I swear, I haven’t heard freedom bandied about as a tangible good this much since I watched all those episodes of “G.I.Joe”…

Wow, Kerry just pulled a “Clinton”. While W was getting riled, Kerry popped a sly grin at somebody in the audience. Somebody better keep an eye on his cigars….

W’s getting all squinty. You know he’s in troublee when the squinting starts…

Uh-oh, W’s going after the Nerd Vote by knocking the notion of “international popularity”…

Hehe, he can’t pronounce “peninsula”….

Ohh…that was a good 4 seconds of silence….

Still saying “nucular”. You’d think someone would’ve corrected him by now. It’s been FOUR YRS!!!

Kerry’s done his homework. Very impressive…

W’s getting whiny…

I’m sorry, but $200 million ain’t that much money, in terms of aid. Hell, it cost Kevin Costner more than that to make “Waterworld”…

W’s rambling again….loaded, fake compliments. Oh yeah, YALE SUCKS!

“You can be certain and be wrong.” So true…

Stop riding coattails, W!

Not digging the redneck pronunciation of “Vladimir”…

“Putin” still makes me laugh when I hear it…

“I’m a pretty calm guy…I don’t take it personally…” You lie!

Why is it, during his closing statement, Kerry reminded me of a cracked-out, alternate reality version of Jay Leno? Yes, I’m weird, OK?

“We will fight the terrorists around the world…” Once again, that’s the same promise “G.I.Joe” used to make. Now, I know where the Bush camp is getting its motivation!

Eww…W just asked for our vote…just as tacky as Kerry’s website plug

AND THE WINNAH!!!!

For polish, tact, and diplomacy, I say Kerry

BUT

For passion, moxie, and sheer entertainment, I say W

So, we’re just gonna have to shelve this and go for best 2 out of 3!

To be continued….

13th Sep2004

The Caped Protester

by Will

Yay for Batman! I’m too busy to actually READ the news, so i just kinda skim it, hoping I can get some sense out of what I find. Anyway, Batman apparently gave the British authorities a good rogering by protesting outside the palace. Not really sure what it was for. Don’t really care. It’s BATMAN! Keep up the good work, Caped Crusader!

04th Sep2004

Who Knew You Could Sue Terrorists?

by Will

So, up to this point, I’ve had 227 posts. “Well there’s no place like home, with your family around you, you’re never alone…” You’re only gonna get that reference if you’re Black and over the age of 19. Anyway….

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/brokerage/2004-09-03-cantor-lawsuit_x.htm?csp=26&RM_Exclude=Juno

So, apparently Cantor Fitzgerald is suing al Qaeda…Can they DO that?!!!

If we could’ve taken this whole battle to the courtroom, we went about this ENTIRELY wrong!

All we needed was Matlock and Perry Mason on the case. Maybe bring in the OJ Dream Team and we’d have had this thing in the bag MONTHS ago! Whoda thunk you could sue terrorists?!!! And we didn’t try this option in the beginning?!!! I’d love to see THAT episode of Judge Judy:

“Mr….whatever your name is, I really don’t care at this point. Anyway, don’t piss on my knee and tell me it’s raining. Did you or did you not have a role in the 9/11 tragedy? Well, sir, Allah’s not here to defend himself, so let’s stay focused on you!”

02nd Aug2004

Oh, Wonkette!

by Will

A year ago, I was SO not a political person. But now, with Wonkette, and “Meet The Press” as my favorite show, I can’t get enough of this shit! It’s like “The West Wing”, but real and more entertaining. That’s right, folks! I am Will West, reporting for duty!

So, here’s a funny little tidbit overheard at the DNC last week, courtesy of wonkette.com:

Op-ed columnist:  “Barack Obama is like the black Colin Powell.”

Journalist: “What?”

Op-ed columnist: “Oh — ha — I mean the Democratic Colin Powell”.

Journalist: “First one’s better.”

29th Jul2004

Bill Clinton: Always Entertaining

by Will

“I am a War President! I sit in the Oval Office, making important decisions, all the time with WAR ON MY MIND!”

-who do you think?

I swear, I missed the Clinton years because that man was an entertaining gentleman. He was a Playa’s Playa. But now, I find The Replacement to be just as entertaining, but in a comedic sort of way. Great comedic timing. Too bad he was being serious….

Anyway, I’d kinda like Clinton & Bush to team up. Just think about it. It’d be like “48 Hours” or “Fastlane”.  I call it “Bushwhacked!” Don’t forget the exclamation point; that’s a very important part of the title! A good “buddy cop” scenario. One guy would be busy chasing skirts, while the other is the tough-as-nails take no guff, “bad cop”, who’s hell-bent on getting his man. Wow, that’d be a great show. Too bad it won’t happen….Well, who knows what’ll happen after November? After all, there was talk of Clinton having his own daytime talkshow at one point. Man, it would’ve sucked for the former POTUS to get stomped by Oprah in the ratings. Either way, I’d look closely at UPN’s next Fall lineup if I were you. You never know what might pop up…

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