03rd Nov2004

Four More Years of Bush, Huh?

by Will

Dude, I have nothing to say on the State of the Union. I feel this week’s Onion says it best in it’s headlines:

“God Puts His Tool Back In Office”

“MoveOn CurlsUp In Corner”

“Despite Republican Victory, Bush Supporter Still Has Tiny, Tiny Penis”

“U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election”

And on an unrelated topic, when asked how he felt about the Red Sox winning the World Series, Allen Palmer responded, “So, the curse only lasted 86 years, huh? I guess the ol’ Bambino wasn’t as powerful a necromancer as we thought.”

23rd Oct2004

H&M Promotion?

by Will

“Westman: Disassembled” – The Saga Continues

Previously on Westman: Our hero had endured the worst week ever, with no manager support and every asshole under the sun deciding they had a bone to pick with a certain H&M employee. Just as he was about to tell the Swedes where they could put their “high fashion and quality at low prices”, Will was made an offer he actually thought about refusing….

So, what did Caroline and Susan offer me? They said that they’d really appreciated the work I’d been doing, and they wondered if I’d be interested in becoming the store administrator.

For the uninitiated, the H&M store administrator is the person who is responsible for managing payroll and budget. He’s more of a manager in terms of his relationship to other sales associates, but not necessarily a manager in terms of customer service and BIG decisions. It’s kind of a weird netherrealm. An H&M Purgatory, if you will.

But, this position would have more responsibility, and of course, more money. So, they seemed really excited about it, and I felt kind of bad that I visibly didn’t share their joy. It’s just that it’d been SUCH a long week, and despite how great it sounded, some motherfucker had, not 10 mins prior, called me an asshole. NO ONE CALLS ME THAT. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t deserve it, but I still wanted to beat his ass.

You see, around this time, I’d come to realize that I was “that guy”. You know the one. Every store you like going to, there’s that ONE sales associate you hate. And you hate him because he thinks he’s big shit ’cause he knows he’s got something you want and gives you a hard time just because he knows he can. Sometimes, this person is referred to as the B.N.I.C. In any case, retail really shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t harden a person nor blacken his soul. Back in the day, when people described me, they’d always say, “Oh, Will’s so nice…” People don’t really say that anymore. And I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. But I certainly notice that the pleasantries have dried up. All I get now is gay guys calling me “sexy”. So, I guess I AM a bitch now. What I world we live in these days, I tell ya!

So, I had come to realize that retail probably wasn’t the place for me. In fact, it ain’t healthy for me. While this whole sojourn into commerce had taught me a lot about myself, I was seriously reaching the end of my rope. In fact, I had really started stocking up on clothes for my “new job”. What job was it? Not a damn clue. Didn’t have one, but I was sure as Hell looking.

So, the ball started rolling on this whole store admin thing VERY quickly. And the quicker it rolled, the more unsure I felt. I mean, I had to stop and remember my initial goal: I never really wanted to work in fashion retail, but I DID want to climb H&M’s corporate ladder. Here it was, my opportunity staring me in the face, and I’m considering bolting. I’ve NEVER been a quitter (though, there are many instances in which that would’ve been a smarter move then staying), and I decided I was gonna stick this out. After, this was a dream deferred that was now coming true. See, Mom? Dreams DO come true! Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus!

As the days rolled on, they kept sweetening the pot. “Hey, Will! You’re gonna be training at Chestnut Street in PHILADELPHIA!!!” and “Hey, Will! You’re gonna be in a pretty sweet hotel for 4 weeks!” or “Hey, Will! Your per diem is gonna be more than your entire freakin’ check!” And, like a sad, gullible bastard, I ate it all up, every fuckin’ morsel. I mean, end of my rope here. I was ready to believe anything.

Let’s take a trip back: Last week marked the one-year anniversary of my return home. It was exactly one yr ago that i packed up and left Ithaca for good. And just let me say that this has been the HARDEST period of my life. I mean, the last 365 days have been pure shit. They say the yr after college is the hardest and that motherfucker wasn’t lying. Horrible. I’ve had more nervous breakdown scares than one person should. I’m too young for this shit. Anyway, I needed a change. I feared I was headed for some kind of relapse or something, and I needed a change of scenery. But this new position, it was my chance. I could stay with the company, work toward my goal of advancement, but also get a new scene on the company dime. I mean, this was everything I could ever want, topped with sprinkles and holograms ( for the record, i LOVE holograms! someone’s got a birthday coming up…). So, this offer of tempting fruit was the beginning of things looking up. I was finally moving up to the East side to get my piece of pie. But as we all know, “fish don’t fry in the kitchen and beans don’t burn on the grill” (not really sure where I was going with that, but bear with me; it’s part of the metaphor…)

When I get excited about something, REALLY excited, something beyond my control thwarts me. Well, let the thwarting begin.

They tell me this evening that, “Hey, there are too many people up at Chestnut Street, so you probably won’t be going up there. Instead, you might be going to Delaware or even maybe Tysons Corner.” You should’ve seen me. My face dropped like Castro off that flight of stairs (Damn, that was funny! Jennine, I wish I could’ve seen your face!). Lahdy-fuckin’ dah! Well, Golly! I’s gonna get to see bootiful picteresque Dely-where? And I REFUSE to go back to Tysons if I have to commute. I hardly read my archives, so I’m not sure if I ever blogged about it, but that was my training store, and for about 2 months, I commuted 2 hrs, EACH WAY every day. I am NOT going through that again. So, I don’t know where that leaves us.

So, here I am, blogging, filled with rage (I always find it funny when a person has to TELL you they’re filled with rage; usually, you can just tell. But since you can’t see me….I’m kinda ranting in parentheses….I think this is one of the signs of insanity….I’d better stop and get out of these parentheses now) Whew, that’s better. So, anyway, I’m here, filled with rage. I’m I’m not even sure where I’m gonna be in 3 weeks.

The worst part is how this is affecting the rest of my life. I mean, I’ve been trying to be a good little worker, and I feel that i’ve been happier and more productive since this whole carrot-dangling began. But now, I’m unpredictable again.

Also, Tarek’s gonna hate me. I’ve been pseudo-avoiding him because i promised I’d come visit him in Boston before the Election (we have a wager on it), and I know I’ve put it off til the very last minute, but I don’t see how I’m gonna make it with all this work stuff up in the air. I seriously don’t know when nor where I’m going, and that prevents me from making any excursions up to MA. I know he’s a big boy, and he’ll understand that it’s work-related, but I was raised to “never make a promise that you can’t keep!” And I truly intended to keep this promise. And I want to visit him, but….So, T, don’t hate me…

Also, I’ve gotta say that it’s not my store nor my managers fucking me over. It’s the damn Area Team. This faceless European triad (well, they’re not faceless, I’ve seen them. And only one of them’s actually European. And there’s actual 5 of them, but “triad” sounds cooler and I’ve only actually met three of them…But I digress.). They go around, with their tight sweaters and pants, looking like JC Penney catalog models, crushing dreams. Well, they’re not gonna crush my dreams! I ain’t no punk. I ain’t going out like that!

So, now you see why it took me so long to finish that story, and as you can see, it ain’t over til it’s over…Stay Tuned

13th Oct2004

John Kerry’s Inadequate

by Will

“I know you’re anti-W, as am I, but Kerry just ain’t hittin’ my G-spot. He just can’t love me like Clinton did. W likes to talk dirty to me, tries to get me all riled up, but he’s all talk. Kerry’s trying, bless his heart, but he needs a few lessons…”

Me, following a friend’s recap of the debates

13th Oct2004

Apparently, I Slept Through The Presidential Debates

by Will

FUCK!!!

Where’s the third and final commentary?

I missed it. I passed the fuck out.

And you know what’s worse? I remember 9:00 on the dot. Next thing I knew, it was 10:50. Anybody got the number for Mulder & Scully?I believe one of the candidates’ campaign members slipped me a mickey to keep the truth from getting out.

Yup, I’m THAT damn important!

This is almost as bad as when I missed the last episode of “Family Matters”! All that viewership for nothing…

So, from what I can pick up from various soundbytes, I’m giving it all to Kerry. Some accounts don’t make it sound like he was as strong as previous showings, but any man who can make a Tony Soprano reference in an important speech is alright in my book! Let’s bring some pop culture back into the White House. Give some tax cuts to Hot Topic and Spencer Gifts. Anyway, that’s all I got. We’re giving the series to Kerry. Hopefully, we’ll all get some complimentary ketchup for our troubles or something…

Stay tuned as the finalists square off in 3 weeks in front of a live studio audience. Our special celebrity judges will be Jon Stewart, Pat Sajak, Paula Abdul, and Jim. J Bullock. So, remember to keep phoning in your votes at 1-888-NEW-PREZ

I’m Will West, and I approve this message…

12th Oct2004

Sex For Votes. I Can Dig It.

by Will

Votergasm.org

Quite possibly the GREATEST IDEA EVER!!!

08th Oct2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 II

by Will

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 II

How’d Charles Gibson get chosen for this? Is “Good Morning America” hard-hitting news? Will Matt Lauer be hosting the next round? Where are the REAL journalists?

W looks kinda robotic this round. He does whatever Kerry does. Kerry waves, W-bot waves…

Gotta love Kerry and his “thank you’s”. He never fails with these, and he’s like a hood-rat winning an American Music Award. Only person he forgets to thank is “The Big Man Upstairs…”

W doesn’t look comfortable holding a mic. He’s like the dad making a toast at a wedding, who’s never really spoken publicly before…

“After 9/11, we had to learn to look at the world differently.” He’s starting the heroic grandstanding already…

“Thought there was weapons there.” Shouldn’t he have said “were”?

Couldn’t they have shppied some minorities to Missouri, just for the night? Nelly’s from St. Louis! Was he too busy to pose a few crunk questions?

So, it’s basically John “Reach Out To Our Allies” Kerry vs. George “The ‘W’ Stands for All The Hard Work” Bush…

Still accusing of “wrong war, wrong time, wrong place”…

W’s listing the contents of his political Black Book. Wow, you talk to Tony Blair, how special that must be for you!

“The war on terror is about making sure these terrorist organizations don’t get weapons of mass destruction!” Yo, Joe, indeed! We’re going after Destro next….

Hey, they found a Black chick!

He’s rambling again…”brought in front of a judge”

I love W’s little pompous nod he does when he concludes each rebuttal…

W’s going all “Blinky Bill” right now. It’s like a nervous twitch or something…

“Military’s job is to win the war. The president’s job is to win the peace.” Nice

Kerry, you’re not answering the Iran question. You’re mudslinging like W. Answer the question. What would you do?

Actually, you DID scowl…

W’s got a good ‘Dr. Phil” act going, walking around, working the crowd…

W mentions the internet as if it’s some kind of mythological beast of lore: ” I’ve heard there are rumors on the…’internet’…” You could almost see him wanting to make those little quote gestures with his fingers…

Still can’t pronounce “peninsula”

That “forget about the draft” promise was the equivalent of his dad’s “Read my lips” speech, and we all remember how THAT turned out…

2nd Reagan reference of the night. Who’ll be the first to namedrop Clinton?

W just broke the rules of the debate. Now, he’s got beef with Gibson. “No, let me answer this!”

Whoa, Kerry…I think I’m sold…

That “intelligence” reference was a veiled attack on two levels. Well played, Kerry…

“Hard work” reference. Republicans drink a shot!

“Working overtime”…SOCIAL!

Drug discount cards? THAT’S your defense?

W’s first to mention Clinton, moves back three spaces…

Did W just wink at somebody?

3rd Reagan reference..Man, we’ve gotta add those to the rules for the drinking game…

Kerry oh so loves those tacky website plugs…

Black dude in the audience looks pissed…”They told me Beyonce was gonna be here!”

“Tax Cut Question Guy”, we’ll call him “Fratboy Dave”, doesn’t look too pleased with Kerry’s answer…

“It’s not credible”. Ah, that brings back memories of “Not gonna do it, wouldn’t be prudent…”

“You can run, but you can’t hide”? What’s that all about?

One hour in, and no “gay marriage” question? They shipped in some Black folks, so you just KNOW there’s gotta be a petgroomer and his antique dealing partner in the audience SOMEWHERE!

Love how W stammered over the “Common Sense Policy”

“The quality of the air’s been cleaner since I’ve been President.” Conceited much?

Ooh..not in good taste with the whole Red Sox knock, Kerry. They take the Curse of the Bambino VERY seriously…

“President that believes in science”? That just alienated the Bible Belt! And you’d been doing SO well, Kerry…

Why’s Kerry calling Gibson “Charlie”? Are they secretly golfing buddies or something?

W’s really harping on this “Kerry doesn’t show up for votes” thing. Did Kerry forget W’s birthday or something? ‘Cause he’s clearly bitter about something…

“Need some wood”? Oh, W! You little minx!

Wow, another Black guy!

Way to namedrop Teen Wolf, Kerry. Like Alex P. Keaton’s REALLY gonna win you some votes…

Wow, Kerry just told us he’s friends with Superman! Fucking SUPERMAN! Now, tell me. WHo are YOU voting for NOW?

I think W won the whole Stem Cell battle via “forced emotion” alone…

Gotta love that nod…

Climate’s shifting towards “Disciple vs. The Scientist”…

Something tells me W doesn’t fully understand the Dred Scott case. It’s one of those cases we all know by name, like Roe v. Wade, but couldn’t really argue if there was a gun to our heads. A good namedropping case…Makes one sounds intelligent…usually…

W just said “legislay-TORS”. They sounds evil. Are those new enemies we’ll be bombing in the coming months?

“I respect that…place you’re coming from.” That’s “Kerry” for “I’m about to disappoint you”

“It’s never quite as simple as the President would like for you to believe.” Truer words were never spoken…

Nice final question!

Ooh..”Mistakes appointing people?” Any of them rhyme with “Gondapeeza”?

WOULD Saddam still be in power? Interesting thought to leave us with…

I always laugh when Kerry says “kill”. It’s so cute…

“Thanks, it’s been enjoyable.” Somebody’s lying….

Wow, he busted out “haters” & “nexus” in one phrase. Talk about catering to the extremes. Somebody got a thesaurus & ebonics lessons since the last debate….

AND THE WINNAH!

Well, this round….

It’s a close one…

I think Kerry works better when not answering questions…but I don’t feel W really told us anything he’d do differently. But then again, his whole campaign is about “staying the course”…For now, I’m giving it to Kerry. We’ll check back in next Wednesday….

08th Oct2004

I Get It, I Get It! You Clearly Want Me To Vote.

by Will

Ok, I guess you could say I’ve finally reached an age when I notice the push for young people to vote, etc. I remember all the old Rock-The-Vote stuff, but it didn’t seem on the level that everything’s on now.

Is it just me, or is there an INSANE amount of “Please Vote!” going on? Yes, 2000 taught us that every vote counts, but is the situation THAT dire? And why do I get the impression that this may be the last election…ever? That’s very unsettling….

06th Oct2004

First Family Missed Connections

by Will

So, my new hobby is reading the Missed Connections on Craigslist.org. These things are just too funny sometimes. But guess what I found the other night. First, I have to give Wonkette credit for pointing it out ’cause I just kinda skimmed it the first time i read it. So, look closely to what I mean…

“Secret G-town bar – w4m – 22

Reply to: anon-44420088@craigslist.org

Date: 2004-10-03, 11:18PM EDT

You walked through the hidden iron doors on Saturday night looking very dapper in your suit. It looked like you were with your family, possibly siblings. A pair of twins, perhaps? That runs in my family, too. I watched you talk about mail order frogs with some floosie. I wanted to share my love for amphibians with you as well, but it is so difficult with the secret service always following me around. Will we meet again on the corner of Wisconsin and O?

this is in or around Georgetown”

It’s one of W’s daughters! Those twins use Craigslist to find their crushes! This is just too sad/cool! Man, I’ll bet Chelsea never resorted to anything like this. Then again, Chelsea was kind of a dog back then…

30th Sep2004

Running Commentary of Presidential Debate ’04 I

by Will

Running Commentary of Debate ’04 I

Wow, Kerry finally grew some balls! I think this is the first time he’s ever said he was out to kill the terrorists. Before, he was fickle, but he’s after Osama, too.

Plus, gotta say, CBS had the best reaction shots, and they did not favor W too well. He was looking like a baby who’d shit his diaper when Kerry plopped his goods right on the table (being figurative here for those who missed the debate!)

Kerry simply took notes during his down time, while W has a very peculiar “default” look whenever he’s not required to speak…

Also LOVED when Kerry accused W of outsourcing to Afghan mercs to find Osama when we, the most powerful military force in the world, were the most capable of getting the job done.

Kerry “spoke so well” ’cause he finally had a stance, while W simply played defense. Didn’t learn much more about the W camp than we already knew, but we got good intel from Kerry…

W waited a full 15 mins to attack Kerry for voting FOR the war. I DO, feel that, now that Kerry’s acknowledged he’s anti-terrorist, he’s doing a lot more “Osama hiding.” That’s when you scapegoat Osama for all the shit in the world. Lack of school funding? Blame the terrorists. Your kid lost his soccer game? Osama probably had something to do with it. Kerry’s really hiding behind Osama, almost as much as the Republican party, which kind of adds to his “flip-flop” reputation…

Best part was when W asked how Kerry was gonna pay for all the anti-terrorist protection. He turned into that smarmy kid who always sits at the back of the classroom. Involed a lot of shrugging and head cocking. I can’t even describe it. You just had to see it… He capped it off by slinging another “Old West” style threat at the terrorists…

Gotta love when W has to say pronounce a foreigner’s name. You always get the feeling that he almost didn’t get it out. He’s always going the “Hooked on Phonics” route, as he sounds it out…

Kerry comes off as a politician, while W makes me feel like he’s trying to sell me a car. And he knows it ain’t the best car, but he’s doing his damnedest to make sure I drive off the lot in it today…

Kerry…big words, but I’m not sold. I’m not sure he beleives what he’s saying. It sounds like he’s done a good job memorizing and rehearsing. While, W seems like he had np prep at all. Just kinda slingin’ babrs when he hears something he doesn’t like…

Gotta say, I’m loving W’s “Can you believe this shit?” face that he wears whenever Kerry’s speaking….

Kerry seems to be pushing the right buttons, which may ’cause W to veer from the script, giving the networks that “Oh Shit!” moment they’re so desperately waiting for…

“You forgot Poland”? Wow, he’s getting desperate…

W just “ummed” a little too much to sound intelligent. He’s running out of steam. He’s on the ropes. He’s starting to sound like your old senile uncle at the family reunion who starts telling a story, and eventually loses his train of thought, causing his to spout a bunch of nonsense before trailing off….

Wait a minute…where did this W summit come from? I haven’t heard him mention a summit until Kerry did. Did W just gank the summit idea from Kerry before our very eyes?!!!

I’ve got it. W’s “default” face looks like Dana Carvey when he’s playing The Church Lady…

Well, you heard it here first: W doesn’t approve of changing positions. I wonder how Laura feels about this…

Nice touch, Kerry. “Do not confuse the war with the warriors.” That’s something everyone needs to remember…

Eww..Kerry just did a website plug. That’s kinda tacky….

Don’t really believe Kerry when he vows to “hunt and kill the terrorists”. W’s always got that glint in his eye when he says it. You don’t F with a glint! But Kerry…he’s gotta practice in front of the mirror between now and November…

“Pottery Barn Rule” That’s cute….

I swear, I haven’t heard freedom bandied about as a tangible good this much since I watched all those episodes of “G.I.Joe”…

Wow, Kerry just pulled a “Clinton”. While W was getting riled, Kerry popped a sly grin at somebody in the audience. Somebody better keep an eye on his cigars….

W’s getting all squinty. You know he’s in troublee when the squinting starts…

Uh-oh, W’s going after the Nerd Vote by knocking the notion of “international popularity”…

Hehe, he can’t pronounce “peninsula”….

Ohh…that was a good 4 seconds of silence….

Still saying “nucular”. You’d think someone would’ve corrected him by now. It’s been FOUR YRS!!!

Kerry’s done his homework. Very impressive…

W’s getting whiny…

I’m sorry, but $200 million ain’t that much money, in terms of aid. Hell, it cost Kevin Costner more than that to make “Waterworld”…

W’s rambling again….loaded, fake compliments. Oh yeah, YALE SUCKS!

“You can be certain and be wrong.” So true…

Stop riding coattails, W!

Not digging the redneck pronunciation of “Vladimir”…

“Putin” still makes me laugh when I hear it…

“I’m a pretty calm guy…I don’t take it personally…” You lie!

Why is it, during his closing statement, Kerry reminded me of a cracked-out, alternate reality version of Jay Leno? Yes, I’m weird, OK?

“We will fight the terrorists around the world…” Once again, that’s the same promise “G.I.Joe” used to make. Now, I know where the Bush camp is getting its motivation!

Eww…W just asked for our vote…just as tacky as Kerry’s website plug

AND THE WINNAH!!!!

For polish, tact, and diplomacy, I say Kerry

BUT

For passion, moxie, and sheer entertainment, I say W

So, we’re just gonna have to shelve this and go for best 2 out of 3!

To be continued….

13th Sep2004

The Caped Protester

by Will

Yay for Batman! I’m too busy to actually READ the news, so i just kinda skim it, hoping I can get some sense out of what I find. Anyway, Batman apparently gave the British authorities a good rogering by protesting outside the palace. Not really sure what it was for. Don’t really care. It’s BATMAN! Keep up the good work, Caped Crusader!