25th May2005

It’s Funny ‘Cause Bo Bice Looks Like Jesus!

by Will

I think my favorite part of tonight’s American Idol finale was when they gave Jesus the car.

Silly, producers! Don’t they know that he can fly?

Anyways…did y’all see that “Dukes of Hazzard” commercial? Yee-HAH! Oh, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

24th May2005

If Bo Loses Idol, Maybe He Can Be A Jesus Impersonator

by Will

Well, another season of American Idol comes to a close. Tonight sucked. It’s like neither of them knew which song to sing. None of the songs really showcased them vocally, but it’s all in the voters’ hands now.

Anyway, my money’s on Jesus.

Wait…you mean that wasn’t Jesus?

Wow…well, I guess that restores my faith.

OK, my money’s on the dude who looks like Jesus…

23rd Feb2005

A Frank Sinatra Tribute Album? Really, Westlife?!

by Will

Don’t you hate when your favorite musical act/group jumps the shark?

My favorite boyband in the entire world is UK group, Westlife. I LOVE them.

But their albums started sucking. On their last album, they had the audacity to cover Barry Manilow’s “Mandy”. Now, it seems like they have a running bet to see how much they can suck and still retain their fans.

Well, now I see that they’ve released, “Allow Us To Be Frank”, which is nothing but a Frank Sinatra cover album….by a boyband…from Ireland….

Old Blue Eyes is spinning in his grave….and calling Sammy some kind of “Coon” or something, while Dean and Joey just laugh and laugh…

22nd Feb2005

Keane – Can’t Stop Now

by Will

Keane – Hopes And Fears

Can´t Stop Now

“I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I´ve been stuck here dithering around
Well I know I said I´d wait around till you need me
I have to go, I hate to let you down
But I can´t stop now
I´ve got troubles of my own
Cause I´m short on time
I´m lonely
And I´m too tired to talk

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I´ve been stuck here withering away
Well I know I said I wouldn´t leave you behind
But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say

That I can´t stop now
I´ve got troubles of my own
Cause I´m short on time
I´m lonely
And I´m too tired to talk

No one back home
I´ve got troubles of my own
And I can´t slow down
For no one in town
And I can´t stop now

And I can´t slow down
For no one in town
And I can´t stop now
For no one

The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running”

If you got this far, I guess you could say this is my “Dear John” letter to H&M. It’s time. Anyway, this was dedicated to Jessica, who today, became my favorite customer of all time. Even though you’ll never read this, thanks for the Big Red Pep Talk – you don’t know how much I needed it…

06th Feb2005

Will Answers Your Questions!

by Will

WILL ANSWERS I

  • If you were stranded on a desert island and could only have one CD, one food, and one tv character with you for three years…. what would they be?

    If I only had one CD, it would have to be “Journey: Greatest Hits”. Laugh if you wish, but this CD has EVERYTHING. Plus, as cheesy as people like to remember Journey, they inspired every major pop/soft star today. Now, you may not exactly like these styles of music, but greats such as Mariah Carey (the Good Mariah, not the hooch Mariah) list them among their top influences.

    Plus, you’ve got any style you want on one disc. For a romantic slow song, you’ve got “Faithfully” or “Open Arms”. For the pensive, brooding song, you’ve got “Send Her My Love.” And the sheer bombast of “Don’t Stop Believin’ ” would motivate me to construct my Raft To Freedom.

    One food? That would have to be Monogolian BBQ from Cornell Dining. There’s a reason it was voted #1 dining hall in the country. Plus, I DID live off of it for an entire year. I ate it everyday, sometimes twice. Ask anyone. It’s how I got my Sophomore 30!

    One TV character? The Adam West Batman. Come on, is there ANYONE more entertaining? This guy was the George W. of Superheroes; just looking at him, you knew he had NO BUSINESS in that role, wearing that suit, but he overacted hard enough that it was SO bad it was good.

    Plus, it’d be hilarious to spend 3 yrs with him, as he kept pulling stuff out of his utility belt, such as Bat-Shark repellant, which would inevitably fail to provide rescue or safety. It’d kind of be like an experiment to see how far a man must fall before he cracks. ‘Cause I get the feeling that, for the 1st yr, he won’t even take off his mask. He’d take off the cape, maybe even the suit. But I feel like he’d be stark-ass naked on that island just wearing a cowl, and you can’t PAY for that kind of stranded entertainment.

  • For the sake of posing a more original question:

    Have you ever written any songs of your own?

    -Karlos

“More original question”…I smell a catfight! Anyway, no, I haven’t written any songs of my own. Why? Because that part of my brain doesn’t work. It’s true!

You see, I’m a smart kid. I’m at a place in my life where I can honestly say that. BUT,
don’t get “abstract”. I can think outside of the box, but the creative, like lyrics and poetry, eludes me. You have to hit me in the face with a dead cat to understand poetry.

I get the themes, such as Winter is Death, yadda yadda, but when someone is trying to
convey their feelings, I get lost. That’s why I hate when people are like, “Listen to this
song -the lyrics mean so much to me.” And the song turns out to be “Glycerine” or something, and all I can say is, ‘Wow, I love this song. It’s awesome!” And they respond with, “It’s not awesome; in fact, it made me consider taking my life.” No joke, I’ve been in these situations.

I tried to write songs, but they all ended up as those country-esque “I’m so lonely” songs, and there are really only so many times that it should be legal to rhyme “heart” & apart” or “alone & phone”. Hell, what did people rhyme with “alone” prior to Bell’s nefarious, yet convenient, invention?

I have, however, composed songs. You see, prior to the a cappella, I played piano for 10
yrs. When I started singing, I had to use the piano part of my brain. Now, when i was
playing, I was “classically trained” (am I the only person who hates how pretentious tha
sounds?) , but I only used that to play all of the cliche parlor songs, such as Fur Elise an
Moonlight Sonata. My true passion was New Age. Laugh if you want, but nothing calms
me down like Enya & “Pure Moods”. So, I started composing New Age music. I had a
Music Technology class in high school with synthesizers and stuff, so by graduation, I had a good album’s worth of material. But, get this, the school went under, and they have no idea where my disc is. If that shit resurfaces…

But my New Age claims to fame are “Silver”, named after my mother, and ‘Ellie’s Mirage”, written for my grandmother, who loved to hear me play.

Oh, and I play a MEAN rendition of the Star Trek: Voyager Theme!

31st Jan2005

What Happens Tomorrow – Duran Duran

by Will

Song of the Moment: “What Happens Tomorrow”, by Duran Duran

Child don’t you worry

It’s enough you’re growing up in such a hurry

Brings you down,
The news they sell you
To put in your mind that all mankind is a failure

But nobody knows what gonna happen tomorrow
We try not to show how frightened we are

If you let me
I’ll protect you
However I can

You’ve got to believe it’ll be alright in the end
You’ve got to believe it’ll be alright again

Fighting because we’re so close
There are times we punish those who we need the most
No, we can’t wait for a saviour
Only got ourselves to blame for this behaviour

But nobody knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow
We try not to show how frightened we are

It would seem lonely
If you were the only
Star in the night

You’ve got to believe it’ll be alright in the end
You’ve got to believe it’ll be alright again

And nobody knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow
So don’t let go, now we’ve come this far

Hold my hand please
Understand
We’re never alone

We’ve got to believe it’ll be alright in the end
Nobody knows
You’ve got believe it’ll be alright my friend

So don’t let go

And yes, we believe it’ll be alright again

So don’t let go

17th Jan2005

24, 7th Heaven, Blake-Holsey High, Elektra, Jason Mraz, and Keane

by Will

“I don’t need no instructions to know how to ROCK!”

Random Thoughts of the Past Few Days

-Dude, I really need to stop watching 7th Heaven! Mmm, Ruthie…STOP! I can’t go all R. Kelly!

-I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: 24 is THE BEST CONCEPT on television. This show never disappoints, even when it sucks (see Season Three). Either way, it’s the most original and riviting thing you’ll find these days. And Mrs. Araz is scaring the SHIT out of me. I hate to think I’m suffering from post-9/11 generalizations, but that’s one cold, scary bitch! And I knew Behrous wasn’t gonna have the balls to kill Debbie. Had no idea Mrs. Araz would, though…

-The best show you’re NOT watching? “Strange Days At Blake-Holsey High”. Yeah, you’ve never seen it unless you had a LATE friday night, which carried into Saturday morning, and you had nothing else to watch. Basically, it’s about the strange things that happen at this elite boarding school. There’s a pseudo-Ghostwriter team that investigates all the weird goings-on. The catch is that the show is part of Discover Kids, so they find ways to sneak in science lessons without being heavy-handed about it. By the end of the episode, you’ve gained more clues in the ongoing saga of the vortex at the school, but you also know that a DNA helix curves to the right, and that some checmical compounds are mirror images of each other…

-Jamie Foxx won a Golden Globe?!!! Man, if you’d told me that 15 yrs ago, I’d had have slapped you across the mouth. Ya know, I’ll bet Kenan Ivory Wayans is KICKING himself! He creates In Living Color to showcase his own siblings, while bringing a couple stragglers along for the ride. Now, fast forward 12 yrs. Jim Carrey’s a $20 million-a-movie star, Jamie Foxx is winning awards, and the most popular Wayans weren’t even On In Living Color (Well, Shawn was SW-1, but the DJ don’t count!). Honestly, the weirdest part of the In Living Color mythos, to me, was that Alexandra Wentworth (AKA “The White Girl”) ended up marrying George Stephanopolous. That must’ve been SOME wedding reception! Anyway, with the way things are going, next thing you know, David Allen Grier will be doing Shakespeare…

-Anybody out there seen Elektra? Starring Jennifer Garner, AKA “The World’s Most Beautiful Man”. I swear, she’s alluring, but she’s not “pretty”. I’ve blogged about this before, but I don’t think it’s more apparent than in the role of Elektra. I think I liked her most in “13 Going on 30”, where she’s all awkward and gangly, but still has a cuteness about her…

-Did anyone out there actually LIKE “I Am Charlotte Simmons”? It seems like Tom Wolfe’s latest novel is THE book to hate right now. I have it sitting on a shelf, but the thing is friggin huge. I don’t know whether to read it or use it to crush cats to death (Yes, Shel..cats truly are evil!).

-Jason Mraz is really worth checking out. Before, I just kinda liked “You and I Both”, but all of his stuff is great. he’s even edging out John Mayer on my list. Especially since there are only so many times I can stand to hear “Daughters” on a given day…

-THE ALBUM to buy, though, is “Hopes and Fears” by Keane. I can’t get over how great an album this is. Looped it like 6 times last night. I give every disc a “one-through”, and usually it languishes in its little slot in my binder, never to be listened to again. But I haven been listening to this disc since November, and it doesn’t get old. Mainly, if you like “thinkin’ music” that’s not as whiny as emo, and has a lot more piano, this is the group for you.

05th Jan2005

I LOVE Mario’s “Turning Point”

by Will

Is there no stopping Mario?

First, he was saving the Mushroom Kingdom from the Evil King Koopa.

Next, he was lamenting the fact that he was “Just A Friend”.

Now, he’s beggin’ this chick to let him love her!

Those crazy Italian rappers, I tell ya!

Wait? What do you mean they’re not the same guy?!!! Then who’ve I been sending those meatballs to?!!! And what am I gonna do with this box of smiley stars & mushrooms? I really hope I kept the receipt for that Takooni suit…

Anyway, since I don’t have the luxuries to which you livejournal punks are entitled, I have to find places to inform you to what I’m listening.

Right now, the album du jour is Mario’s “Turning Point”. Yeah, that single is “off da hook”, as the young ruffians put it. But there’s an even better hidden gem on that disc. Please, use your file-sharing programs, or borrow the CD from that black chick who works in the mailroom of your place of employment. I say this because you MUST hear “Nikes Fresh Out the Box”!

Yes, folks. We all felt shoe-based songs had peaked with “Air Force Ones”, but Mario has done us one better. He compares the new girl he’s seeing to a pair of new Nikes, “fresh out the box.” Since most of my shoes have been stroke-of-luck finds from Marshalls, I have no idea what this feels like. If the song were “British Knights Straight Off the Shelf”, then we could talk.

I love the part where he promises “not to scuff her”. But I digress, this song is hilarious, plus it’s got a good beat. The feel-good song of January. Yeah, that’s a good description…

05th Jan2005

Wait, WHO’S Seal Marrying?!!!

by Will

Seal is engaged to Heidi Klum? SEAL IS ENGAGED TO HEIDI KLUM?!!! Where the Hell did this come from? I mean, ET said it, so it must be true. But…where’s the justice?

I’m torn. Is it that I don’t believe Supermodel Heidi Klum deserves the bastion of soul known as Seal? Or is it I don’t think Lupus-scarred Seal deserves Supermodel Heidi Klum?

When and HOW did these two get together? I mean, he also used to bang Tyra Banks, so he’s used to getting kisses from roses. But this is Crazy! I mean, someone say a prayer for the dying, ’cause the world must be coming to an end…

29th Dec2004

What Should I Do With My Life?

by Will

Today’s Episode: “Where There’s a Will, There Ain’t Apparently A Way…”

So, in terms of occupation, I’m totally wasting my life. I mean, this has been brewing for awhile, but it’s finally catching up to me. I feel like I’m doing nothing worthwhile, professionally.

I need to go back to school. I KNOW this. But for what? I think about law school, but I really just wanna be able to call myself “a lawyer”. I call that my “Star Jones Complex”. I don’t know if I really want to practice law, but I’d like to be able to if I felt in the mood one morning. I think I’d make a good lawyer. You know, the Matlock kind who totally pulls something out of his ass to save the day at the last minute. I’d be a wildcard lawyer. People wouldn’t really come to me unless they needed a miracle. And in my spare time, I’d be a legal consultant to “Inside Edition”. Man, that’d be the life!

Next, I think about grad school. But what would I go for? I’m kinda done with the whole “head games” field. Yeah, Human Dev was fun and all, but it didn’t exactly hone my mutant powers. It’s like going to Xavier’s and, after 15 yrs, still blasting holes in walls everytime you wake up in the morning. I was naturally gifted in reading people. Textbooks didn’t teach me that. Sure, I could spend thousands MORE to become certified in reading people, or I could go out on a limb, and try something new.

I think I’d be great in government. Politics. Seriously. I LOVE some good muckraking, and I make a good “#2”. No, you sickos, I don’t mean “shit”. I mean, I’m a good “man behind the man.” I’d love to be a campaign manager or something one day, but for now, I’d really enjoy being a “cog in the wheel”, as long as I could see that my work was worthwhile and contributing to something important. I’m all about the policy reform. As dumb as it sounds, I’d LOVE to be a Capitol Hill staffer right now. And it’d only be better for you readers, ’cause we’ve all learned how entertaining blogs of Hill staffers can be (google “Washingtonienne”)

In college, people like Jennine used to talk about celebrities, such as Craig David, and lament, “He’s our age.” This was meant as, “Why aren’t we totally celebrities or something?” At the time, I just brushed it off, as “Everything in its time.” But now, I’m starting to feel the same way.

When will my ship come in? Do I even HAVE a ship? Are my reservations in “3rd class steerage” like all those peasants who drowned on the Titanic?!!

It’s hard, ’cause I know pseudo-celebrities. I went to high school with four current NBA players (Jamison Brewer, Roger Mason, Rodney White, and Demarr Johnson). I had Entomology @ Cornell with a lingerie model (http://www.summerrayne.net). I swear, these better not be the 5 people I meet in Heaven, ’cause I am seriously asking for a transfer!

I just wonder, do I have some special talent I’m not exploiting? I feel like my best performance is ahead of me and not behind, but what form will it take? What am I supposed to be doing?

PLEASE someone help me!!! I mean it. Use the “comments” section. Use the guestbook. E-mail. I don’t care. Suggestions, people!

“I’m not a praying man, but…Superman, if you can hear me…”