06th Jul2004

Open Letter To Usher

by Will

Dear Usher,

You’re an asshole. What? You need me to clarify? Ok, let’s get a few things straight.

I don’t even know Chili, but I feel for what you did to her. In fact, I see what you’re really doing here. Oh yeah, you’re “confessing”. you’re so sorry! How sorry were you on top of the Billboard chart?!! It’s one thing to fuck up, it’s another thing to come clean about it. OK, you told the truth. You think you’re off the hook? You’re not. You were only supposed to tell Chili. Not the world. You’re using this whole thing for personal gain! And you wanted her to take you back?!! Damn, you’re a dumb asshole.

So, let me get this straight: You’re not happy anymore, and it’s not going anywhere, so y’all just needed to “let it burn”, right? But then, you get a bitch pregnant, and suddenly Black Justin (I know you’ll hate that!) ain’t ready to be a daddy? Boo-hoo!

Why am I so angry with you? ‘Cause I just watched a BET stretch of all your “Confessions” videos. When you see ’em back to back, the sincerity goes out the window.

Well, I guess you’re a man now. You came clean. I guess you figure all is forgiven, eh? Well, that’s between you and Chili. You know what I think, Usher? I hope T-Boz and Chili go to some old voodoo priestess, have her conjure up the ghost of Left-Eye, just so she come drag your ass down to Hell. Then we’ll “let it burn”…

Sincerely,

Your Biggest Fan

28th Jun2004

Hova’s Idolatry?

by Will

OK, I’ve got a conspiracy theory. Bear with me here: American Idol Finalist Kimberly Locke’s single is called “8th World Wonder”. Ok, the other day, I’m listening to JAY-Z Unplugged, and he refers to himself as “The 8th World Wonder”. So, does this mean Jigga’s cheatin on Beyonce with Kim Locke? Is her song a coded confession, kinda like Usher’s, but with tact? Hey, I’d take Kim over Beyonce! Don’t ask why…

14th Jun2004

Last Call DC: Karaoke Thaiphoon!

by Will

Had a GREAT evening with LC/DC! Levow, Mike, Bill, John, Lip and I met up at Thaiphoon in Du Pont Circle for dinner (for the record, don’t go to Thaiphoon! Bland City). After dinner, I conned them into heading over to my stomping ground, Cafe Japone, for some Karaoke.

We did the whole ringer thing of “Wow, I think I might sing Drops of Jupiter…I’ve never sung that before!” Anyway, the place wasn’t exactly packed, so we were basically singing to this woman and her husband.

Funny thing about Japone: Ran into Tanya from the other night; didn’t recognize me….And I thought we had something special! *sniff* Well, it just goes to show you can’t sustain anything meaningful with a girl you meet at a party or a bar…

Anyway, we must’ve sang every song on Vestosterone, and then some. Eventually I had to dip because I had to make the last train. Boy, it sure will be nice when I don’t have to play Cinderella anymore…

Anydangway, it was a great night, and now that I know these guys are in town, hopefully it’ll be the first of many.

04th Jun2004

Creed…Breaking Up?

by Will

What a day, what a day…

Yes, Mr. Lohan, your daughter’s hot. But that doesn’t mean you can go around hitting people. It just ain’t right.

And Creed’s breaking up? But who’ll sing for Jesus? Who will trumpet The Almighty’s return across adult contemporary radio? What does this mean for the Rapture? Nickelback and P.O.D. are nowhere near ready to take over the mantle. The mind is puzzled, and the heart is concerned…

25th May2004

Remembering Kool and the Gang’s “Cherish”

by Will

The mall music @ White Flint has probably the BEST ’80s collection ever. They don’t play the cliche stuff like Madonna, Prince, and MJ. Instead, you get Johnny Hates Jazz, Corey Hart, Spandau Ballet, OMD, all the good one hit wonders. One song, though, especially stood out to me the other day.

You see, I hate Kool and the Gang. I hate them specifically for “Celebrate”, but I just hate their sound, kinda like I hate Earth, Wind and Fire. Well, there’s ONE Kool and the Gang song I like, and I think it’s because it’s not like their usual sound.

OK kids, I’m about to open up here, so don’t laugh. That song is “Cherish”. Most people may think of it as a cheesy 80’s love song, which it most certainly is. But it holds special meaning for me because it is involved in one of my earliest memories. You see, that song was playing following my father’s funeral, when everyone was going home and the cleanup was taking place. I never quite understood the somber nature of the event because I was 3, and didn’t really understand life and death. In fact, for many years, I just referred to it as the time “all my cousins came to see me”, because in my mind, that’s what happened. Anyway, I distinctly remember that song. I didn’t even know the lyrics back then. In fact, I didn’t learn the words until about 3 years ago when I discovered mp3s. Before that, I was just making up sounds, singing somthing along the lines of “Cherry suh-luv…”

Anyway, my point is that this song gets VERY little airplay. You have to be awake at 3 AM on a Sat night, listening to Kid Kelly’s Backtrax USA just to even have a chance of hearing this thing. But it played the other night, on White Flint’s PA, as I was leaving work. I really had a crappy day Saturday, but I think, in some way, I kinda felt a little better after I heard that. I’m sure many of you might wonder, “Why, Will? It reminds you of such a bad occasion.” But you see, I didn’t realize it was bad when it happened. To me, those were simpler, happier times, and in my mind, that was the best day ever ’cause my family came out to see ME. Well, today I know the truth, but it still doesn’t change anything. For that one memory, Kool and the Gang are alright in my book.

25th May2004

“Don’t Look Any Further” – Unsung Sample Hero

by Will

Song of the Moment:

“Don’t Look Any Further”, by Dennis Edwards

Yes, you’ve heard it before. At least some form of it. I’d swear that it’s probably the MOST sampled song in the history of hip hop, but this is the original slow jam. Forget R. Kelly, this is a “satin sheet” song.

18th May2004

At Least It Didn’t Include The Hampster Dance

by Will

So, we have support staff from all around the region in our store to help get it ready for opening. Today, one of the girls decides to play her CD while we’re working. It’s her “Songs To Have Sex To” CD. But here’s the odd part: these were definitely not “sex songs”. The disc included “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch (I Can’t Help Myself)”, by The Four Tops; “Don’t Stay Home”, by 311; “PYT”, by Michael Jackson; and “Everlong”, by The Foo Fighters! It just goes to show ya the lengths some people have to go to just to get off…

09th May2004

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road…

by Will

“Maybe you’ll get a replacement
There’s plenty like me to be found.
Mongrels, who ain’t got a penny
Sniffing for tid-bits like you on the ground.”

29th Apr2004

Get Your Own Song!

by Will

Why, oh why, did Jessica Simpson cover “Take My Breath Away”? That is an iconic song! I kind of come from the school where I think it’s offensive to cover a song by a one-hit wonder. I mean, it’s not like Berlin really have anything else that people remember. Even Starship had “We Built This City ” & “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”. But Berlin have nothing else besides that song! What, Jessica? You didn’t feel like screwing up “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? “Mickey” out of your range? Don’t want to try your hand at “Bette Davis Eyes”? To me, this is the equivalent of Britney covering “My Heart Will Go On.” It might be a crappy song, but it’s still trespassing.

29th Apr2004

Thin Line Between Beauty and Ugly

by Will

I felt this post was appropriate, seeing as how People’s “50 Most Beautiful People” issue is about to drop.

You know how there’s a thin line between pain and pleasure? I’m beginning to think it’s the same with beauty and ugliness. For instance, we think gorgeous people are gorgeous because they differ so much from everyone else. At the same time, we think unattractive people are ugly….because they differ so much from everyone else. My point is that a lot of the people we find “attractive” should also be “unattractive”, but it’s simply a matter of perspective.

Nick Lachey, it’s been said, really isn’t a hot guy. If you look closely, he’s got a big pug nose, thick lips, and he’s almost kind of a meathead. But if you take the parts as a whole, something about them converge to make him this heartthrob. You could say it’s his personality, but look closely next time; you’ll see what I’m talking about.

At Cornell, there was a very attractive singer who, upon closer inspection, had certain physical aspects that should be “unattractive”. Regardless, somehow these aspects converged, causing us all to think this person was gorgeous. I still stand by this assessment, but some days, my mind wanders….

Jennifer Garner is another example. In my mind, she is the world’s most beautiful man. Yes, I said “man”. There is NOTHING feminine about her, yet she’s this sex symbol. Had she come out last decade, she’d have been some sort of freak. But now, she’s this “graceful beauty”. Have you seen her high school pictures?!! This girl had “ugly duckling” written all over her. And no, she did NOT have some kind of glamorous Hollywood makeover. Little has changed in her appearance, except she’s more buff. And we call this “sexy”? She was hot in Daredevil, but that’s ’cause she was a ninja, and General Law of Life #768 states that “All ninjas are cool, no questions asked”.

I guess my question is what is it about these people, or our own assessments, that cause them to be seen as “sexy” and “beautiful”.

Oh man, I’m starting to sound like James…