22nd Aug2007

Two Coreys, Umbrella Remixes, Mission: Man Band, Drake & Josh

by Will

“Never underestimate the healing power of a blonde, Miss Potts.”

I’m still not feeling the San Diego recap, as work’s kinda kicking my ass right now. So, here’s a fill-in post about a few random things on my mind lately:

-Why did no one tell me The Two Coreys had started? In some ways, it’s better than I thought it would be. In others, it’s not as good as I thought it would be. I still find it hilarious that Haim doesn’t have a driver’s license. That’s like learning Cusack never owned a boombox.

-I just know that, somewhere, Rihanna’s saying, “‘Pon de replay! Stop fucking wit ma song!” Right now, there are more versions of “Umbrella” than stars on the flag. For starters, she had no clue there was gonna be a Jay-Z intro. She says that the first time she heard his contribution was the first time that she heard the finished song, and it took her by suprise. Then, Scott Simon covered it.Then, the Chris Brown “Cinderella Remix” popped up. Then, Marie Digby covered it, as heard on The Hills. Then, Mandy Moore covered it, with it sounding exactly like Marie’s version.

-Speaking of The Hills, Spencer’s proposal to Heidi was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on TV, scripted or reality. That dude is such a douchebag. I can’t even stand looking at him. If there’s any doubt as to the scripted nature of that show, rewatch the season premiere, and pay attention to Heidi’s reaction. That, my friends, was scripted.

-The Celebrity Roast for Flavor Flav was pretty awful. The Shatner one was good, as was the one for Pamela. Flav, not so much. The funniest part was when Greg Giraldo told Flav that he looked like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape. Maybe it’ll be better when they show it uncensored in The Secret Stash.

-Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write: Has anybody seen the Chris Brown video where he turns into a vampire and dances with those little boys outside of the Power Rangers’ old Command Center?

-I need to start actually calling people, and stop all this text bullshit. You know it’s gone too far when Verizon texts you to tell you that you’ve gone over your texts…The worst part about texting is that there’s no “goodbye”. You can be flirting along, and then….nothing. It’s like the phone commercials where the calls drop. “Did I say something wrong? Was that too far?” Nothing. And then, 2 weeks later, you get another text like nothing happened. I can’t live like this anymore!

-No, Timbaland, I can’t handle you the way you are, mainly because you keep giving it to me every 20 minutes. I’m really tired of this summer’s radio being dominated by the “Timbers”, ‘land and ‘lake.

-They’re really making a Flavor of Love 3? Come the fuck on…

-I think Denzel has finally made a movie that I’d want to see. Go watch the trailer for American Gangster!

-Jeff Timmons is getting on my last nerve on Mission: Man Band. He’s “pulling an Ikaika” (10 points to anyone who understands that reference) with the whole “I don’t want to be here” routine. Dude, nobody begged you. As far as 98 Degrees rankings go, you were #3, behind both Lacheys, but before the old, weird, ugly bass. Since that group folded, you’ve done one infomercial and your wife left you. When they introduced you on Man Band, you lived with your parents. Cut the shit and start singing. You need this, bitch.

-The NBC special on the Beckhams just reignited my fire for Victoria. Never cared much for David, as he lacks personality. Posh, though, was always my #2 Spice. She’s still #2, but it’s because she’s clawed her way back up the ladder. And that feat, to put it in her terms, is simply may-juh!

-I have an almost unhealthy obsession with Drake & Josh right now. They’re funny guys, it’s scary how much weight Josh lost over the course of the show, plus their sister is played by the little bitchy girl from School of Rock. I forgot how good Nickelodeon shows could be…

-Anybody seen Topanga’s weight loss commercial? Damn, I’d like to get me some of those pills!

-If somebody calls you first thing in the morning, offering free roses and whatnot, don’t fall for it. In the words of Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a trap!” It’s a radio station, and your girl already knows you’re cheating on her. Just hang up and handle your shit off the air. That said, “War of the Roses”, on Hot 99.5 (and various other stations across the country), is my favorite form of morning entertainment. I do think, however, it’s the kind of thing that gets morning DJ’s sent to Hell. Just sayin’…

-TV Land’s Back to the Grind is the best idea in ages. If you haven’t seen it, they take an actor from an old TV show, and they make him perform the job of his character to see if he could really pull it off. For example, Night Court‘s Harry Anderson actually had to be a judge for a day, and WKRP‘s Loni Anderson actally had to be a receptionist for a day. Priceless.

-Anne Hathaway, if you’re reading this, could you please try to do more movies set in the present? I get it, you like period pieces, but you’re gonna get typecast. So far, you’re good at playing princesses, frumps, and frumpy princesses. And there’s that straight-to-dvd flick where you showed your tits. Otherwise, I’m gonna need to see some diversity out of your roles, honey. After all, this is your job we’re talking about!

02nd Jul2007

Surf Dudes, With Attitudes…

by Will

“I’m walking on eggshells here, when I’m used to fucking throwing eggs.”

I f’ing love youtube, for this alone:

Not just the credits, but the music video! This takes me back to such a better time. No student loans. No underpaid job. No heartbreak. No Quartlife Crisis. All I cared about was whether or not I’d get McDonald’s that afternoon (I was a fat kid, and I got McDonald’s almost every Saturday) and I wondered if I’d ever end up with a girl like Heidi Noelle Lenhart (“Jenny”, aka “the brunette”). God, did I love that girl. And she pretty much never worked again. Little known fact: her stepfather is Haim Saban, creator of the Power Rangers and former owner of the Fox Kids Network. That bitch’ll never have to work again!

Why is this show not on DVD?!! The fucking Waltons series is on DVD and that demographic doesn’t even know how to operate a DVD player. It’s a travesty…

11th Jul2006

But I Was A Power Ranger…

by Will

“Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, save me with your witchcraft!”

Well, I guess having “Power Rangers” on your resume doesn’t get ya too far after all. You could blow up, like golden boy Michael Copon (One Tree Hill, Sketchers ads). OR, you could end up like our good friend Walter Emmanuel Jones. Yup, just 13 years ago, he was riding high as Zach Taylor, the Black Ranger. Now, he’s in a PetSmart commercial. As a cashier. And he doesn’t even speak to the customer. No, his lines are purely directed towards the dog. From Mastadon to Pooper Scooper in a little over a decade. Hollywood can be a cruel bitch…

04th Dec2005

Entertainment Tonight, You Ignorant Slut!

by Will

“It’s as if Disney’s trying to say to the kids, ‘Screw your parents, just run off into the woods and sing Hakuna Matata and everything is going to be alright’.”

You know who I’ve pitied for quite some time? “Entertainment Tonight” reporters. Why? Because they have to pretend to be excited about a project even when they know it’s going to be a piece of shit. The best evidence of this is watching an episode WAY after the fact.

I once went through this phase where I’d put a tape in the VCR, hit “record” and just walk away. On days when boredom struck, I’d put in the tape and see what I’d recorded. There’s nothing worse than seeing Mary Hart or Bob Goen on the set of yet another Tori Spelling TV movie or yet another 80’s tv show reunion, knowing they couldn’t give two shits whether or not JR Ewing was meaner than Boss Hogg.

I remember when they were on the set of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie”. Now, I don’t like flaunting this around, but those close to me know I watched PR WAY longer than I should have. I was an uber-fan, but even I knew that movie was gonna be a steaming pile of shit. But Bob Goen just wouldn’t come correct. He was determined to tell me, ME, that this movie was going to reinvent the wheel with it’s colorful costumes and high-flying martial arts antics. That movie went on to gross about 2 million dollars. If you know anything about entertainment, you’ll know that equals “bomb”.

Don’t placate me, ET. We know when something’s going to suck. Trying to make us believe otherwise only outs you as the entertainment whores that you are.

17th Aug2005

The “Power Ranger Murderer” Was Not A Power Ranger…

by Will

“This is high school, huh? I’ve been here four seconds and I hate everyone.”

So, finally my geekspertise comes in handy. Today’s gossip sites have been going on and on about Skylar Deleon and the supposed
Power Ranger Murders .

Now, many of you all haven’t been with me long, but if there’s one thing I know in this world, it’s Power Rangers. I’ll spare you the details, but I know things about that franchise that will make you weep in pity for my soul.

I don’t know who Skylar’s publicist it, but he/she KICKS ASS! Why? Because he was NEVER a Power Ranger! If you dig deep enough, you find out that he was merely an extra. You know how many extras Saban used? Thousands! Why? Because he didn’t pay them! In 1993, a kid would’ve signed away his soul to lick dog shit off a Power Ranger’s boot. Saban only used non-union actors, which is why this guy can’t be found on IMDB. In Hollywood’s eyes, Skylar Deleon does not exist, so it’s funny his claim to fame in this trial is that he was a “Power Rangers regular.”

The reports even go as far as calling him a former child star. I know most of the cast of “Diff’rent Strokes” have either died or are busy with their security guard shifts, but have we run out of child stars enough that we bestow the label on just anyone? That Mikey kid was a child star. Soleil Moon Frye was a child star. Hell, for a hot minute, the kids on “Alf” were child stars. But Power Ranger extras? That’s the equivalent of a doctor telling you: “The bad news is you have diarrhea. The good news is there’s no blood in it.” Those kids were the lowest of the low.

My favorite comment about it came from Defamer.com:

“This could be an important test case, helping to further define the level of fame required to beat a murder rap, which now hovers somewhere between “Beretta” and “rental car pitchman/former football star.” Our suspicion is that “former Power Ranger” isn’t quite going to make the cut. (Unless he was the Green Ranger. Then all bets are off.)”

I laughed ’cause the minute I heard that some “Power Ranger was wanted for murder”, the first thing I thought was, “Damn, Tommy! How could you let me down like that?!!” Yup, the Green Ranger was gonna be my OJ, and I was starting to plan my courthouse vigil. I was gonna stand outside the trial everyday, wearing a child’ version of the Green Ranger costume. I was gonna hire non-union actors to have mock fights with me in front of the newshounds. And when Tommy was acquited, I’d be the guy releasing the doves.

So, the good news is I don’t have to track down some green doves. The bad news is…well, I guess there IS no bad news. Unless you’re Skylar Deleon. Dumbass wannabe…

01st Aug2005

Did You Know They Reuse Sets In Hollywood?

by Will

“You gotta have blue hair!”

So, here’s an interesting bit of old school TV trivia that surprised even me:

The main living room set on “What’s Happening?!!” is the same exact set from “Sanford & Son”, without all the junk.

This reminds me of other times when shows shared sets. Let’s take a trip through the 90’s…

-The first episode of “Living Single” was in the “Family Matters” house.

-The first episode of “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper” was in the “Growing Pains” house.

-The high school hallway/staircase used in “Saved by the Bell” were also used in “The Wonder Years” and “Power Rangers”.

-The dorm suite in “Saved by the Bell: The College Years” is the same suite used by the kids on “USA High”

-Actually, ALL Peter Engel shows recycle sets AND actors. TNBC was one big free for all. Watch any of them, and you’ll find yourself saying, “Hey, isn’t that Tony Wicks from ‘California Dreams’ standing in the middle of the ‘SBTB:TCY’ dorm room with that chick from ‘Malibu, CA’?” Trust me, if you’ve ever seen the second season of “USA High”, you know exactly what i’m talking about. Wow, I think I just referenced the most obscure shows in the Peter Engel teen dynasty. Half of the ones I mentioned didn’t last longer than 2 seasons…

Yup, I know I’m impressive….you scared yet? 😛

08th Jun2005

“Ranger” Really Isn’t That Cool-Sounding…

by Will

You know, it took me 12 yrs, but last night, it finally hit me: “Power Rangers”?!!

I mean, what the Hell is a “ranger”? Yeah, you’ve got park rangers and all, but find me one person who thinks they’re cool (Hanna-Barbera employees excluded)! How are you gonna market “rangers as coolness” to kids?

“Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers”? How did something so unnecessarily convaluted become a household name?

Everyone knows that cops are where it’s at. Especially badass cops!

“Quick-Change Power Cops” has a MUCH better ring to it!

I can hear the kids in the schoolyards now:

Kid #1:”Hey, did you see QCPC yesterday?!! Those cops are badass!”

Kid #2:”Word, Kid #1! Hey, isn’t that Michael Jackson behind those bushes?”

Someone, please tell me why I’m not working in advertising…

31st Oct2004

2004 Battle for Halloween Supremacy

by Will

*Cue Bombastic Synth Music*

Will: And Welcome to the 2004 Battle for Halloween Supremacy! Here we are at the half, and this yr’s top contenders are Spider-Man and the Power Rangers.

Liam: That’s right, Will. It’s been a banner yr for the wall-crawler. He’s had a blockbuster sequel, along with the introduction of organic web-shooters in the comics. There doesn’t seem to be any stopping Spidey this yr, and the kids are showing their support through their costumes!

Will: So true, so true, Liam…But there are rumors of cheating going on in the Spider-Man camp. One must remember that a red ski mask does not a Spider-Man costume make! Also, the Power Rangers are entering their 11th yr as the #1 selling toy franchise amongst American boys, and they don’t show any signs of losing steam! We’ve seen representation from several recent incarnations of the Rangers, from Wild Force, Ninja Storm, and Dino Thunder. When it comes to a packed roster, the Rangers definitely have the advantage!

Liam: With that in mind, there’s also a third contender that’s been gaining a lot of attention recently. That’s right, Batman’s making a strong showing this yr, moreso than in the past five Halloween’s.

Will: That’s a great point, Liam. The Caped Crusader has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity due to the debut of “The Batman”, a new cartoon on Kids WB. It’s a hit amongst the kids, and it shows by the amount of Bat ears in the crowd. While Bats didn’t make the finals this yr, 2005 is shaping up to be the Year of the Bat. With a new movie on the horizon, there are strong predictions that Batman will be a top contender in this match-up next Halloween!

Liam: There are also a couple of notes from this yr’s match-up that were surprising. First up, contrary to predictions, there was a lack of Superman representation. It was believed that the passing of Christopher Reeve would inspire a tribute amongst the youngsters, but I guess it just goes to show that he was their Daddy’s Superman. If something had happened to Tom Welling, it would have been an entirely different ballgame. It just goes to show the generation gap at play.

Will: Speaking of generation gaps, we’ve gotta give honorable mention to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. While believed to have been part of the 80’s nostalgia hype, the Turtles have done a great job this season introducing their brand of pizza-eating, ninja justice to a new generation. While their post-season showing was nothing compared to Spidey or the Rangers, we’ve gotta give ’em credit for trying. As you can see by the crowd, there are a lot of folks out there who haven’t forgotten the meaning of “Turtle Power!”

Liam: (laughing) “Turtle Power”, indeed! Well, it’s anybody’s game at this point. Spidey’s played a fierce game, and there’s been no escaping him this night. But there seems to be a Ranger lurking aroun every corner. This brings up the difference in playing styles. While Spidey’s a wise-cracker, the Rangers tend to take the silent approach, except when Zords are in play. Since this one’s for the title, there are no Zords allowed, causing the Rangers to rethink their gaming strategy.

Will: It’s too close to call right now, but it’s definitely gonna be a long night. The judges are gonna have to work long into the night to come up with a ruling. It’s just too close, but it’s certainly one for the record books. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a call for a recount when all is said & done. In my 18 months of web journalism, I’ve never seen a match-up with such intensity.

Liam: I concur, Will…I concur.

Will: Well, that’s all we have for now. Join us for the wrap-up after the game!

*Cue Bombastic Synth Music*

04th Sep2004

Shaolin Soccer Is My Homeboy

by Will

My new favorite movie (yes, I realize I have a new fave movie every week these days) is “Shaolin Soccer”. At first, I thought this thing was crap. I didn’t really get it, and I thought it would be a little more…dramatic.

But come on, how can you make a dramatic movie about a bunch of former kung fu students who form a soccer team? I mean, this has “Jamaican Bobsled Team” written all over it!

After watching this thing more than 3 times over the past week, it has joined the ranks of “Office Space”. Yes, folks. I said it. I put “Shaolin Soccer” in the same league as “Office Space”. May the gods of comedy strike me down where I sit.

OK, the plot of the movie follows: Sing is a Kung Fu master who has studied the Super Kick of his hero, Bruce Lee. Sing sees Kung Fu all around him, and he feels that humanity would be better served if everyone could embrace Kung Fu in their lives and see how it is simply everywhere.

Sing struggles to find a way to spread the gospel of Kung Fu to the masses, and stumbles upon Iron Leg, a former soccer great who is now crippled and working as a servant for the nefarious coach of Team Evil, who is also the one who crippled him yrs ago. Desparate to make his mark on the world of soccer once again, Iron Leg is astounded when he witnesses Sing’s awesome kick.

Sing becomes convinced that soccer is a good vehicle to get Kung Fu out to the masses, and he and Iron Leg set out to recruit his now-out-of-shape Kung Fu brothers. Hilarity ensues…

The special effects can be kinda “Matrix-y” at times, which most people seem to love. I think my only gripe is the fact that the ball is SO obviously CG at times. I mean, some of that stuff can’t be done with a soccer ball, and I guess I should be thankful that there’s technology that can get the job done. Also, some of the effects are very “Power Rangers” in caliber. Don’t get me wrong, PR effects have improved by leaps and bounds over the years, so we’re talking more PR: Wild Force than we are MMPR.

Anyway, go out and rent this movie. It’s definitely got an absurd bent that I do so love. I guess it’d be more fitting for me to put it in the same category as “Napoleon Dynamite”, but I figured I needed to name a movie everybody loved, like “Office Space” to convice you to check it out. So check out “Shaolin Soccer” now, bitch!

17th Jul2004

Marvel vs Disney

by Will

I’m beginning to think Marvel Enterprises LOVES the courtroom. They’re involved in so much litigation, I’m surprised they haven’t tried to make a comic/movie franchise out of their trials. First, Marvel sues Sony. Then, Stan Lee sues Marvel. Now, the big one….

Marvel vs. Disney!

This is like “Allah vs. God”. There’s no real winner here, since they’re both guilty of similar transgressions, and they both seem poised for world domination. Although, Disney never seems to lose these kinds of affairs.

Apparently, when Disney bought ABC Family from Fox and Haim Saban, Marvel got screwed over since Disney got to continue to show Marvel programming, such as the Spider-Man , X-Men & Hulk cartoons. At the same time, Disney got tons of mileage out of these shows, while preferring to promote shit like Beyblade; basically Disney only promoted Disney shows. Well, Marvel wants it’s cut. And, frankly, they deserve it. But I don’t know if Disney’s gonna see it that way. Meanwhile, Haim Saban’s wiping his ass with twenties, still wondering how such a whacked-out concept like “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” (I still love you, baby!) made him a billionaire…