13th May2013

Monday Musings: Twouble With Twibbles

by Will

So, I’m not sure if anyone has noticed, but I’m on what my pal Howie calls a “Twitter Diet”. I’m not sure if it’s the new meds, or if it’s just me by myself, but a few bad apples have spoiled the bunch. I’ve had a few experiences in the past few weeks that may seem petty to some, but they were enough to just make me take a moment and deal with other stuff rather than quip about titties and Power Rangers 32 times a day.

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It all started about 2 weeks ago when a follower said that something I said about Iron Man 3 was a “silly question”. For the record, I said that it’s hard to go from the galaxy-spanning majesty of Avengers to the grounded Iron Man 3. While this is essentially a plot point, my argument was that Avengers opened a can of worms by bolstering the shared universe. It’s not out of the question to say, “Hey, the president’s in trouble, so where’s Captain America?” People online wanted to say that’s a trope of all comics, and the answer is generally “He’s dealing with his own shit.” I get that, but you’ve still got S.H.I.E.L.D. as a lynchpin of the whole universe, and there’s no mention of them whatsoever. I think that’s a glaring oversight in a movie that had other things I could easily forgive yet others could not.

Anyway, this follower was the Queen of the Misanthropes, and trying to have any sort of conversation with her is a chore. Everything sets her off, and she prides herself on shit like how she once basically knocked over an old lady on the sidewalk. Needless to say, she’s not the sweetest belle at the ball. My comment was to no one directly, but she decided to come out of the woodwork to call my observation “silly” and patted herself on the back. I could’ve been like, “Bitch, I know more about comics than you realize”, but I could still accept a differing viewpoint. Just don’t condescendingly call me silly when I’ve had to put up with tons of shit, from how she hates her coworkers, to her fitness progress. I’ve never called her silly, though I probably should’ve unfollowed her long ago. She’s essentially the female version of a follower I already had, and two was a certainly a crowd. People always laugh when I say this, but when you get deep into the world of social media, politics take over. You can’t unfollow people ’cause they’re friends with your friends, and then group conversations now have a glaring hole in them. She took the initiative and blocked me, which was a relief. Even if temporary, I don’t have to deal with that anymore, nor do I have to strategize how to get rid of her. It’s the age old trick of getting your girlfriend to dump you so you don’t have to do it. I used to be EXCELLENT at that. So, that was strike one.

Next, I had a bit of a tete-a-tete with black commentator Roland Martin. I only watch TV One for Martin reruns, so I really don’t know much about what he does. I just know A) he got in trouble for somewhat homophobic remarks after the Super Bowl and B) he has his own line of ascots. Anyway, I’m gonna blame @Classickmateria for this, as I probably wouldn’t even have noticed this had he not retweeted it. Martin has since deleted the exchange, but luckily Twitter forgets nothing:

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Now, let me give some context here. I’m willing to admit I opened this can of worms. My problem was this: he didn’t congratulate EVERYONE in the movie. No, he went for Don Cheadle, with that whole “black supports black” mentality. I’ve already detailed my issues with Cheadle as Rhodes, but this wasn’t even about that. It was clear there was a bit of bias here, and it you’re gonna congratulate someone, congratulate them all. Those box office returns weren’t built on the back of Don Cheadle. He’s not the one who just started negotiating his future with the Marvel Studios film universe. I feel like I called a spade a spade, and I kept going because of his whole elementary school-style rebuttals. Here’s the irony, and don’t think I don’t see it: I called his opinion silly. The same thing I got mad at the aforementioned person. Here’s the difference – Martin and I don’t follow each other. I guess, as a stranger, he deserves a modicum of respect, but not as much required by my circle of “friends”. She had found herself in said circle, and didn’t respect the “code”. Anyway, I know his went way too far, and it was my fault for getting caught up in it. Strike two.

On Friday, the twitter account for TokuNation set me off due to shoddy journalism (NOTE: Tokusatsu is the name for the Japanese shows that give us the footage used for Power Rangers, Masked Rider, etc. We’ve discussed this before). Long story short, this is the 20th anniversary of Power Rangers in America, and fans felt that faces from the past should be involved. Saban heard this, and half-assedly reached out to former rangers to see if they’d be a part of the proceedings. The problem is that they’re still non-Union, so they’re only offering something like $100, and the trip to New Zealand. Fans first got mad at the actors for declining, but once they saw the form letter email that was sent out, they then turned that anger on Saban. “Why is he so cheap?”, etc. At the end of the day, however, there’s only one ranger that everyone wants to see: Tommy, the original Green Ranger (then White Ranger/Red Ranger/Black Ranger). The actor, Jason David Frank, already put his foot in his mouth earlier by saying he’d do it for $1. Yes, 1 American dollar. He’s all tatted up now, so he figured he wouldn’t be getting the call. He was wrong. Remember, Saban likes being CHEAP. So, Friday, Toku Nation tweeted this:

tokunationNow, for more backstory. Frank was scheduled to appear at a convention, but cancelled due to a filming conflict. This convention is scheduled for the same weekend as the Power Rangers filming. So, TokuNation took this as a confirmation. This is NOT confirmation. It’s speculation with persuasive evidence, but confirmation is either an email OR it’s “straight from the horse’s mouth”. The word “confirmation” clearly does not mean what TokuNation thinks it means. I said as much here, and check their reply:

toku 2Um…so they’re essentially saying they’re trying to turn the tides of all the negative news by getting some good news out there. Even if it’s not true. I told them this is how rumors and lies get started, but they were done with me and my retorts. I was ashamed of myself for how upset this made me, so this was Strike three.

I’ve said before that I consider my twitter followers to be my “friends”. I’m closer to a lot of people on there than I am in real life. That said, I’m also noticing the evolution of some twitter “enemies”. That’s the dark side of all this, and I’m as much as fault as anyone else because I seem to be creating my own enemies. That’s kinda sad. So, I need to take a step back. I’m not going anywhere, but I’m not going to be monitoring my feed 24/7, like Martian Manhunter on monitor duty. I can’t let this consume me, ’cause it’s supposed to be fun, right? I’ll still be around, but for the time being, most of my tweets will either be replies or tweets pimping my warez. Unless ya miss me. I’m a whore like that. I’ll come back lickity-split!

03rd May2013

West Week Ever – 5/3/13

by Will
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Who had the West Week Ever? Read on to find out!

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So, I saw Iron Man 3 last night. No spoilers here, but I enjoyed it. I realized something about the franchise as a whole: I never thought I’d say this, but I prefer Terence Howard’s Rhodey to Don Cheadle’s. Even though their relationship ebbs and flows, Tony and Rhodey aren’t the buddy cop movie that they are in the Cheadle movies. Cheadle’s kind of a simp (check urban dictionary if you don’t know what that means). Give him a suit, and he’s happy. Howard, however, gave a little more push-back, more resistance with Tony, which is more inline with the character. Plus, Howard felt more like a military man, while Cheadle feels like an off duty cop. You don’t get the same sense of decorum from him, and he’s out of his uniform more than he’s in it. Howard recently said that Cheadle was always the first choice, and that his agent had gotten him the role. That’s why he wasn’t too upset when he was recast. Still, I have to think the casting director thought they’d be getting House of Lies Don Cheadle, when they instead got Golden Palace Don Cheadle. Other than that, I’ve got no major fanboy quibbles with the film. We’ll discuss more once everyone’s seen it.

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Speaking of comic book movies, Justin Aclin wrote a great post about colorblind casting in superhero movies. If you didn’t know, a rumor surfaced this week that black actor Michael B. Jordan is being courted to play Johnny Storm in the Fantastic Four reboot. Just like with the Donald Glover/Amazing Spider-Man controversy, there’s a bunch of “Why are you making him black? He’s white! I’m not racist for saying that! He’s always been white!” Well, maybe that’s why the franchise doesn’t work. I actually liked the last two Fantastic Four movies because A) I didn’t expect much and B) they were comic accurate, as they were just as boring as the books. I swear, I don’t care how you try to jazz them up, the Fantastic Four concept is boring as fuck. They’re sold as “Marvel’s First Family”, but they’re only interesting when they’re dysfunctional. My very first issue was when Sue redesigned her costume to make it more revealing so that Reed would notice her. Here she was, the MILF of the Marvel Universe, and her husband didn’t even pay attention to her.  That was interesting. Instead, they do a bunch of boring shit now. Maybe it’s the state of the world, or I’m a huge cynic, but I’d probably enjoy it more if they were constantly in need of family counseling with Doc Samson or something. The boring, white, milquetoast family just doesn’t interest anyone anymore. So I say make him black. Stir the pot a little. Hell, cast Jaden Smith if ya want. And make Reed Richards from India. Not all smart guys are white, and comedian Russell Peters taught us you can have an Indian dude with a Western name.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that Coolio was ever a “gangsta”.

On a related note, who the fuck is L.V., and whatever happened to him? Oh, he was shot? I guess he was the gangsta referenced in the song!

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This will only interest local folks, but it’s worth discussing. Last Saturday, after 24 years on the air, local DJ Jack Diamond was canned from his morning show. This is a big deal, as he was an institution around here. He had the show for 24 years! Hell, most radio stations flip formats after 4. I discovered him just as I was catching up to contemporary music.

A lot of people know this, but I listened to country from birth til about the age of 10. I got out just before Garth Brooks, which is why I don’t get the hype, nor do I chime in with all the drunks when they start singing “Friends In Low Places”. At this point in time, it may be hard to believe, but there was no real “pop”. Sure, there was NKOTB, but most of that stuff played on stations we’d now label “adult contemporary” (a post for another time, but “pop” didn’t really make a comeback until around ’95). I used to carpool with a teacher at school, and she’d listen to Jack Diamond’s show. Jack’s sidekicks were Barbara Britt and Bert. The inside joke of the show was that they only had “7 beloved listeners”. They had normal morning show banter, but it was safe for kids, and there were no cheater scams or sex tales. I loved it so much that I went home and changed my radio’s dial to Jack’s station. I used to sleep with the radio on, so I got used to Don Henley and Wilson Philips singing me to sleep and waking me up. Eventually, “pop” would make its triumphant return, and I’d move to stations that played that music. I left Jack Diamond behind, and eventually Barbara and Bert left, too. Jack got new sidekicks and kept chugging along. Over the past year, I’d heard rumblings about contract disputes, but never thought it was serious. Meanwhile, the story got Shakespearean. You see, Bert spent the last 10 yrs or so building his name in Atlanta – basically becoming as big a star there as Jack is here. So, imagine everyone’s shock last Saturday when it was announced that not only was Jack fired, but Bert would be taking over his show. The student becomes the master. Anyway, I wish Jack well. I’d heard he was kind of a dick, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from a local celebrity. I’m sure he’ll land on his feet somewhere, but it’s a sad day for DC radio.

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Last weekend, I had to go to Ocean City for some mega birthday weekend for some of Lindsay’s friends. On Saturday, we went out to dinner, but as we pulled into the parking lot, we noticed what appeared to be a young couple putting their child in their trunk. Immediately, I knew the dad was a douche because he was wearing salmon pants. For you folks “secure in your masculinity”, that means “pink”. The girls were in a hurry to drink, so we didn’t linger. Once inside, we tried to verify amongst ourselves that we had all seen what we thought we had seen. The couple came in, and dude was drunk as shit. Oh yeah – there was no kid with them. So, we start wondering “Did they put the kid in the trunk so they could keep drinking?” Pink Pants was shitfaced, and his wife just had a doting headshake about her, kinda like a 50s sitcom mom. PP started talking to the folks in our group, but no one would ask about the kid. I really wanted to know, ’cause he might be running out of air. I forgot to mention that we all work for schools, so, technically, we’ve got to report this kind of thing to CPS. The problem is that we had NO PROOF. Eventually, someone asked him and he got really pissed. He said something like, “Yeah, I shoved him down in there”, and we couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. At this point, I decided to take a cue from Spider-Man: “Sorry, man. Not my problem.” Of course, this means Pink Pants would later kill my uncle. Eventually, a girl in their group screamed, “You’re an embarrassment!” at PP. They left soon afterwards. Once they were gone, I said a quiet prayer: “Everyone has a moment to be a hero, and I chose to ignore mine. I treated it like a bus, figuring another would come along. Anyway, RIP Trunk Kid.” Later that night, we saw the couple pull up to Seacrets in a cab. Still, no kid with them. So, either they left him with the grandparents, or they simply got tired of the smell…

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Did I go too far there? Good, ’cause I needed to brace you for another controversial thought. This will probably keep me from ever running for public office, but here it goes. Dear homeless women: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! I staunchly believe that there should be no such thing as a homeless woman. Due to sexual politics, no woman should ever find herself out on the streets for a prolonged period of time. Why is that? Well, I’m glad you asked. The world is FULL of quiet, soft-spoken, possibly ugly, lonely men. These aren’t the guys who are trolling bars for minge. No, these are the guys who lived with their mother until she died, and now they don’t know what to do with themselves. They’re used to being taken care of, but don’t really know how to fill that void. If I were a woman who was either homeless, or felt an onset of homelessness on the way, I would seek out these men, and I’d be just fine. Some of you are probably saying, “But you’d be using him, and that’s not cool.” We’d actually be using each other. I would cook for him and do whatever else, and we would take care of each other’s needs. “But you wouldn’t love him!” Let’s be mature about this. The western concept of love is some Hollywood bullshit. Everyone wants that story of “I was in the supermarket, and we both reached for the same cantaloupe!” That’s sweet, but what I’m describing is not much different from an arranged marriage. I feel like two things might happen: A) you’d actually be into him instantly OR B) you’d learn to love him. I’m not saying you have to be in love with him, but you’d still come to respect him for what he had done in your life. Sex isn’t everything. Hell, if I had to bang an old man every couple of weeks, instead of fending off rapists and getting a meth addiction on the streets, I say, “Saddle up, grandpa!” The man put a roof over your head, let you drive his car, and kept you safe. You would fucking learn to love and appreciate him. Believe that!

Links I Loved
c2e2 2013 Round Up! (The Robot’s Pajamas)

Team Hellions UnderScoopFire! Takeover (Team Hellions/UnderScoopFire!)

(Aunt) May Day (Cold Slither Podcast)

Reunited with an Uncanny piece of my past… (Branded In The 80s)

This Week’s Posts
Monday Musings – Mutation Inconsistencies in the 80s TMNT Universe

Thrift Justice – That Figures

And be sure to check out Will’s World of Wonder for all your action figure and collectible needs!

One of them is old-timey “happy” to be playing basketball, while another just lost his morning job. One just sold her staged “sex tape” to Vivid for $1M, while the other is Iron Man. But only one could have the West Week Ever.

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You know who he is. He’s Iron Man! In the words of Stan “The Man” Lee, “Nuff Said!” This is why Robert Downey Jr/Tony Stark had the West Week Ever.

12th Apr2013

West Week Ever – 4/12/13

by Will
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Who had the West Week Ever? KEEP READING!

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We took a week off, but we’re back! Why am I saying “we”? I’m the only one here… Anyway, it’s been an interesting week online, to say the least.

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Anyone remember back when The Craft came out, and every white girl you knew decided she wanted to be a witch? This was right before her “Lesbian, For The Attention” phase. I’ve been thinking about college lately, as I’m avoiding committing to my 10 year reunion. One thing I laugh about every time I think about it is the time my friend Ted and I got two girls to kiss. Not just a peck, but full on making out. They were SUCH attention whores, and I was such a douche. Anyway, I said, and I quote, “No one will ever take this away from us!” How sad was it that I considered that to be a high point in life? Now I think about it and just laugh and laugh. At myself.

My pal Jon over at Double Dumbass On You sent me this clip last night:

I have so many issues! First off, this kid’s belly button makes me retch. I’m sorry for any of you guys with outies, but it looks like a tumor or something. I’m also really curious about the cultural distinctions in the video: only the “white bitches” (that’s not derogatory – that’s their music video rank) actually pop their booties near the kid. The black girls keep their distance, probably because he’s their cousin or something. And how hard up for meth do you have to be to perform in such a thing? Take a look at that one chick – sure, she’s poppin’ her cheeks, but it looks like no one told her she’d need waterproof mascara. And what’s with that other chick?! SHE AIN’T GOT NO BOOTY TO POP! Did she win a contest or something? Or was this community service? Was she being held hostage?

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He’s the biggest boss that was fired this week: Rick Ross lost his Reebok deal after rapping about rape. Not sure why you’d have a fat guy promoting your athletic shoe, but whatever. America. So, with this precedent, I bet we’re gonna take a whole bunch of other shit off the shelves and out of the iTunes store, right? RIGHT? Oh, this was just an isolated incident? Even though hip hop’s been saying fucked up shit forever? Oh, OK. I’d get some heat for this if I actually had a sizable black readership, but I’m constantly amazed by the shit Black America gets mad about. No, I’m not justifying rape or rape culture. I just don’t get how hip hop culture chooses its battles. I mean, how does Rick Ross even still have fans to be angry? Everybody makes fun of his weight, everyone makes fun of his titties, everyone makes fun of his dislike for wearing shirts. Hell, everyone mocked him when it came out that he was a fraud and former prison guard. There were MANY chances to get off that train, and folks stayed on. What he said was wrong, but he’s targeted because America’s on High Rape Alert in the media. Once the focus shifts over to gun control, the entire hip hop community better be scared. Oh, They don’t rap about guns and getting shot anymore? Fuck, what is hip hop about these days? Oh, right – they rap about going to Cuba.

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OK, I need some help with this one. I’m not exactly loved in the G.I. Joe circles of the internet, for whatever reason, but I need someone to clear something up for me. You see, my love of G.I. Joe came from my older cousin, Oliver. He lived in New York, and was about 6 years older than me. I eventually inherited his Joe collection once he discovered girls, but I have a very distinct memory that I can’t back up. One year, in the mid 80s (I know it was mid, as this was the ONLY time I’d ever seen Knight Rider toys at retail), his family came down to visit and we all went to Toys “R” Us. He got one of the most recent Joes, as I couldn’t wait for him to open it so that I could play with it. Here’s where it gets weird: I remember him taking something out of the pack, and pop it in his mouth. Originally, I thought it was a backpack, but it was an odd purple color at a time when G.I. Joe hadn’t journeyed too far from actual military colors. I remember going, “Ew, why did you put that in your mouth?!” and he told me that it was candy and began to chomp away. Now, since then, I have noticed many different G.I. Joe pack-ins, from body transfers to standard mail-in pamphlets, but I’ve found no reference of a candy promo. I always thought it was a Bonkers chew, but I can’t any proof of such a pack-in. So, was he just fucking with me OR was there actually a candy pack-in for G.I. Joes back in the 80s? Help me, Internet!

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While I’m help from the Internet, I’ve got another question: do any of you have music in your iTunes that you’ve never heard? Here’s my dilemma: I am a music HOARDER. I’ve forgotten all the stuff I have, but I feel like I have to give everything a “once through” before it gets synced to my iPod. That way, I can weed out tracks I don’t like and save some space. At least, that was the original intent, when I still had a 30 GB iPod. About a year and a half ago, my wife got me the 160 GB iPod where space isn’t an issue. But I’ve never taken it out of the box. Why? Well, I got a new computer during that time, and all my music is scattered across multiple external hard drives. Every time I have an extended break, my plan is to finally get everything on the new iPod, but it never happens. A bigger problem is that my music comes from the back alleys of the internet, so I have to clean up tags and album art; it’s the OCD in me. So, I’ve probably got as many gigs of music I’ve never heard as I have of music that’s already been vetted. So, do I suck it up, throw everything on the iPod and discover the songs that way, or do I continue on my “preview” path, which just prolongs my getting the iPod set up? Anyone else deal with this? Thoughts?

My posts this week have been all over the place, so we can’t go with the usual list format. First off, I threw together the rare Sunday post in order to submit my uber popular submission for the League of Extraordinary Bloggers’ weekly topic. Then, I felt guilty for missing last week’s West Week Ever, so I pseudo made up for it on Monday with The Week That Wasn’t. Then, I brought back Thrift Justice Road Trip to talk about the antique mall that I explored with @LamarRevenger. Finally, I was welcomed to pen a guest post over at The Cold Slither Podcast’s site to commemorate the start of the Masters Golf Tournament. So, be sure to check out all of those links!

Speaking of Lamar, I’d like to congratulate him for his winning prediction in the Cold Slither Podcast’s Slither Madness Tournament! It couldn’t have happened to a greater dude, and he’ll be receiving something from Will’s World of Wonder. Be sure to check out the site yourself, as I’m sure I’ve got something you’d love to add to your collection! Why catch waves or fill yourself with rage when I’ve done the legwork for you?

One set race relations back to House of Buggin’ levels, while one set off the boners of fanboys everywhere. One punked everyone with a tweet, while the other is the world’s most famous Kim Jong-Il impersonator. Only one, however, had the West Week Ever!

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Sorry, America, but it’s my site. I could’ve gone with LL and Brad, but they released a newer song by week’s end. I couldn’t give a shit about Carrie Kelley, and I REALLY don’t care about Morris Chestnut. So, that leaves us with Psy. This week, he released “Gentleman”, which everyone expects to replace Gangnam Style. It won’t, but people can still dream. Apparently, there’s a dance with it, but the video isn’t out yet. Anyway, it’s got a good beat, and the man shouts “Westside!” More appropriately, he correctly shouts it as “West SaYEED!” Get this man a Green Card! You can listen below, but for this, Psy had the West Week Ever

UPDATE: The video has arrived! If only I’d waited 24 hours…

27th Mar2013

Judging Bottles By Their Labels

by Will

I’m not much of a drinker. I’m not sure if this comes as a surprise to anyone, but I’m just not much of an alcohol dude. I tend to hate the taste, I’m a lightweight, and I’ve had some pretty bad experiences. Still, there are times in life that call for alcohol, like a wedding. When we were looking for beer and wine for the wedding, I actually had to taste the stuff, which wasn’t as fun to me as it might be for you. No, my favorite part of the whole experience was discovering new brands via cool labels. Since I’m a big fan of judging books by their covers (why else do they have them?), I thought I’d share some of the spirits labels that I thought were pretty cool.

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 In a former life, this was the last thing I saw before ODing at one of Andy Warhol’s parties.

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Simple and to the point.

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Put it on a wine bottle and it’s “cute and quirky”. Michael Vick does it, and still can’t live that shit down !

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This was the name of my Color Me Badd tribute band

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Based on the name, combined with the thickiosity of that chick, this was marketed to the brothas. She so fine, you wouldn’t even hide it in a paper bag. You’d just drink it right there on the corner, not caring.

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I love how majestic and wise he looks – like something you’d see on a Vision Quest.

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Somewhere out there, I hope there’s a porn star nicknamed “The Albino Python”.

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I wonder if Atlantis has laws against drinking & swimming…

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I knew a guy who did the “Chocolate Sombrero” on a chick. That poor girl never walked again.

2012-09-09 15.49.30Is this cow farting lightning?! And they managed to harness it in CANS?! SCIENCE!

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Why do we still doubt the Yeti’s existence? You can’t incorporate if you don’t exist. Duh!

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This what it looks like when your roommate gets super powers. Don’t fake – everyone‘s roommate looks like that dude.

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If it turns out Heaven is segregated, this is what Black Heaven probably looks like. I know one person who’ll love this. #appreciation

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Of course Moses was drunk. “Hey, watch this. I SAID WATCH THIS! I’m gonna command the sea. Watch! WATCH! YOU’RE NOT WATCHING!”

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What an unappetizing name for a beverage! It reminds me of this Lisa Landry bit:

Welp, there ya go. Oh, and you know what’s funny? I didn’t actually try any of them! Actually, no – I tried the one with the fox on it. It was NOT wise! So, for now I’ll just chill with my Redd’s Apple Ale, and wonder what might’ve been.

04th Mar2013

Thrift Justice – Injustice For All

by Will

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Every now and then, I get requests to point out some of my Thrift Fails. Contrary to how the posts come across, my success rate varies. For instance, a lot of my thrift stores recently did floorplan resets, which I HATE. This happens every 2 years or so, and it just kind of ruins the flow of things. Not only are product quantities at low levels, but it takes awhile for everyone to get used to the new location of certain aisles. As a result, I haven’t really bought anything in about a month from that particular chain. The last time, though, was the fault of management. This is going to come off as “Will’s being a whiny bitch”, but whatever – it’s MY site. Still, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s inconsistency in rules, and this is a prime example of that.

Last Wednesday, I stopped by a thrift store near home, and noticed  they’d gone through the dreaded aisle reset. They had a few “quirky” things, but nothing really awesome. That was, however, until I got to the VHS aisle. Only recently have I even started paying attention to tapes, as everything good is on DVD now, right? Right? Wrong. A lot of stuff has yet to be transferred to DVD, while certain things in the format have skyrocketed in value (like WWF tapes with the old logo). Well, on an endcap of children’s movies, I found this:

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Not actual pic. I stole this from some site.

An unopened, non-special edition boxed set of the Original Star Wars Trilogy from 1992. Just look at how beautiful that box is! The best part, however, was that it was still shrinkwrapped. Whenever I see tapes, I wondered how battered they are from being shoved in and out of old VCRs, but these tapes wouldn’t have that problem. They were virgins! This store sells VHS tapes for 3 for $1, so this was a great score. Or so I thought. When I got to the register, the cashier tried to pull the “there’s no price on this” routine. Let me back up a minute. I’m not sure if this is common for all stores, but this particular chain has a policy where they can’t sell anything that doesn’t have a price listed on it. This is a far cry from the “No Price? Finders keepers” policy of the local Goodwill! Anyway, this “rule” is some bullshit because it’s been broken MANY, MANY times. They look at it, they appraise it (usually at about $2-3 dollars), and we both go on our merry way. Not this time. She called over the Latina manager (this is important, because I’m going to play a race card soon). She turns it around in her hand, and goes “No…I cannot sell. No price.” I proceed to tell her that I got it over at the tapes. Tapes are usually 3/$1, as she knows, so why is this any different? It’s 3 tapes. Then, she looks at it some more, and tries a tactic that I know and hate: trying to side with me in how unfair the rules are. I know this game because I’ve played it. I worked retail, too, hon. She says, “I soory. Be can’t sale without the price. It’s reely a domb rool, but I canno sale.” I told her, Hell, I’d even pay $3 dollars if it was that big of a deal – that’s 9 tapes! Surely, she wouldn’t get in trouble over that. Then, remember that race card I mentioned? Well, I told her “The white manager usually assigns a price.”

There are many different managers at this store. One of them, seemingly the queen of them all, is this mean old white lady. She lords over her staff of Ecuadoreans. While it’s true that she had made some cash register verdicts on prices, she’s sometimes the real hardliner when it comes to the rule. Still, I was banking on exploiting this manager’s fear of her in order to get my way. It’s really kinda sad the person I’ve become since I started this whole racket. Anyway, IT WORKED! She sighed, and told the cashier to ring it up as the 3 tapes for $1. I was in the clear! Long Live The Man! Until this other dude came up out of nowhere. He was also an employee, and manager chick decided to show it to him. They started talking to each other in Spanish, while pointing at different things on the box. Since I was worldly enough to take French in school, I can only assume they said, “This is Star Wars. This shit’s worth something. Fuck this guy. Viva La Rasa!” What? Most of the Spanish I know was learned from WWE wrestlers after the Attitude Era! She comes back over to me and says, “No, I canno sale.” By this point, they had already rung up some of the stuff you’ll see below, and the cashier asked if it would be credit or debit. I stood there a few seconds, and said, “You know what? Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be taking any of this.” And I walked out. See? I told you I was a petulant little bitch.

I can’t win ’em all. I get that. I just feel like they should be consistent – the same with everyone, all the time. I’ve had that rule broken, and I’ve watched them break it for others. It just seems odd to me that something like this is when they’d decide to go by the book. It makes it look a little fishy on their end, if you ask me. It really kinda pissed me off, mainly because I’m an only child and used to getting my way. It’s a shame I never grew out of that. Anyway, I’ve got high blood pressure now, and this isn’t a hill on which to die, so I went home, smoked a cigar, and recorded the first ep of Classick Team-Up.

To close things out, here are some things I’ve seen recently that, while quaint, just weren’t coming home with me.

2013-01-10 18.26.24

The only reason I didn’t buy this was because I already own it. I’m not a hip-hop head, but I LOVE this album. I also love that awesome Bill Sienkiewicz cover. Bobby, Bobby Bobby, Digi, Digi, Digi!

2013-01-16 19.01.09

Never saw this movie, but I love a good vintage, carded figure. Still, I hate dragons and shit.

2013-02-04 18.35.20

The store had a bunch of ALF puzzles. Ya see, 20 years ago, families used to gather around the “boob tube” every Monday. Before watching the riveting adventures of a middle aged newswoman, they tuned into NBC to watch a show about a cat-eating alien with a cornucopia for a nose. This is his story.

2013-02-04 18.40.28

In my mind, the only people who owned LaserDisc players were Patrick Bateman types. Still, I almost bought this just to frame it.

2013-02-22 18.02.18

I almost bought it, but the die was missing. Kinda regret leaving it behind, come to think of it. C’est la vie…

2013-02-22 18.51.06

I’m ashamed by how much I wanted this. I didn’t want to own it, per se. I just wanted to see it. Were they basically bum fights? Did the crackheads know they were being filmed? Were they authentic crackheads, or were schizophrenics unfairly being thrown into the mix? And it was the New York edition! Does this mean there’s a Real Housewives-esque Crackheadz series covering different cities? I had a lot of questions that needed answers. The second time I saw it, I was prepared to buy it. I needed answers! Sadly, the disc had been stolen from the case…probably by a crackhead…gone wild.

2013-02-27 19.13.30

Finally, this is what I left behind in my huff. You may not be able to tell, but this was a Dolly Parton doll from the 70s. Since the aisle reset, I found myself in the middle of the doll aisle, and noticed the selection looked a bit older. When I saw the face on this one, I thought, “That looks like Dolly!” Checked my phone, and I was right. The funny thing about it is her suit was glued on to her, so you couldn’t strip her nekkid like a Barbie. Not sure if that was in her likeness contract, or if that was a modification made by the previous owner. I was set to buy her, but I was thwarted by PriceGate. So, I can only assume Dolly is at home with Juan or Maria. Yup, that’s the note I’m choosing to end on.

04th Feb2013

Black History Month is Back-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

by Will

BMHCollageMark

Yeah, I’m being lazy. I should’ve spent the last year coming up with 28 more of these to further bolster my “legacy” or what have you. Then again, we got the same black president again, so why not the same Black History Month post? As they say in publishing, this is a good opportunity for me to “mobilize my backlist”. Hey, at least I slaved (oops!) over that beautiful collage up there!

If this is your first February following me, this is all new to you. If not, sit back and enjoy one of my favorite posts to write. You know the drill: there’s one per day, and I try to tweet them out each day. Still, some days I get lazy, so it might help to print out the PDF at the end of this post.

IT’S BLACK HISTORY MONTH, Y’ALL!!!

1) Today In Black History: Arnold & Willis Jackson became the first poor black kids adopted by a rich white person

2) Today in Black History: Jimmie Walker left his lucrative career in demolitions to become a comedian.

3) Today in Black History, The Eastland School for Girls admitted Dorothy “Tootie” Ramsey as its first black student

4) Today in Black History, the Fresh King of Bel Air was assassinated. The throne remained empty until a long lost son was found in 1990.

5) Today in Black History, Kunta Kinte is accepted into the space program, and it only costs him his eyesight.

geordi2

“Wasn’t my foot ENOUGH?!”

6) Today in Black History, the black girl became the Yellow Ranger, which was only slightly less offensive.

7) Today in Black History, boxer Cassius Clay was bitten by a radioactive Muslim, transforming him into Muhammad Ali

Ali

“I ain’t no damn bean pie!”

8) Today in Black History, the remains of the fabled “Caribbean Queen” were found in the trunk of Billy Ocean’s car.

9) Today in Black History, Devonté Henson became the first black person to scale the Aggro Crag.

10) Today in Black History, a young Tyler Perry put on his first dress. Years later, he would learn that he could be paid for it.

11) Today in Black History, scientists combined the DNA of Morris Day and a pony. The result was Prince.

prince-6

“Purple Rain” was actually his My Little Pony name.

12) Today in Black History, Mr. T pitied his first fool, which is still illegal in most states.

13) Today in Black History, Lt Uhura inspired a generation of black women to work for the phone company.

14) Today in Black History, DeBarge discovered a place where they could dance the whole night away. It was an abandoned T.J. Maxx

15) Today in Black History, the US Government cracked down on music piracy after Rerun snuck that tape recorder into the Doobie Bros concert

16) Today in Black History, the Negro Hockey League was founded. After everyone had a good laugh, the site was converted to a Popeyes.

17) Today in Black History, Magic Johnson opened the first movie theater chain where blacks were encouraged to yell at the screen

18) Today in Black History, George Washington Carver’s lazier brother, Jamal, invented crunchy peanut butter.

19) Today in Black History, Janet Jackson joined the cast of TV’s “Fame”. Critics declared this would be the lowest point for the Jackson family

20) Today in Black History, Dwayne Wayne discovered a parallel universe – a different world, where Marisa Tomei was the only white person.

21) Today in Black History, Frederick, MD was named for Frederick Douglass – known for his love of Walmart and the white women

walmart-customer

22) Today in Black History, Aunt Jemima discovered Uncle Ben’s affair with Mrs Butterworth, thus splitting Black America’s first power couple

Benmima

They were the royalty of the black breakfast table!

23) Today in Black History, Acorn Avenue -an all-black version of Sesame Street, debuted featuring NeGrover & Big Turkey. It would only air once

24) Today in Black History, 16 Soul Train dancers were killed in what has come to be known as “The Cabbage Patch Massacre of ‘91”

25) Today in Black History, Autobot Rosa Sparks gained attention when she refused to transform into the back of a bus. (Courtesy of @OAFE)

26) Today in Black History, Jesse Jackson formed the R&B group The Civil Rights. They were dropped from Motown before releasing a single.

27) Today in Black History, with Knight Rider & The A-Team, NBC became the first network to devote a night to shows starring black vehicles

28) Today in Black History, Republican scientists proclaimed “Shucky ducky!” as they successfully completed secret cloning experiment, Operation: Chocolate Cheney.

IMAG00542-612x1024

“Remember me? Black pizza guy? 999? No? Huh.”

There ya have it – your crash course to TRUE black history! Share it with your friends, leave it on the windshield of your favorite racist, or simply put it up on your refrigerator. And if you hate Black History Month, don’t worry – we only get 28 days, and 4 of those are gone. Have fun with St. Drinky-Drinks Day next month!

29th Jan2013

Thrift Justice – Bipartisan$#!+

by Will

thriftj

Lord knows I’ve been sitting on some stuff for months, but I really wanted to commit this to the page before I forget all of it. This was just such a crazy scenario to me that it HAD to be a TJ post. So, where to begin? OK, last week, the country celebrated not only the second inauguration of Barack Obama, but also the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. As those events also brought with them a day off work, I decided to use that time to check into some things on Craigslist. One item kinda caught my attention, even though I didn’t really want it. The ad was for a Playmates Star Trek Starfleet Officers Box Set, unopened, for a great price. As a reformed Trekker, that line has always held a special place in my heart, and it hadn’t been opened. Game on! I’d actually started emailing with the guy the day before, but we’d never set up a time. Late Sunday night, I emailed him saying that I was off the next day, and could come by then. Well, I woke to an email saying that he was at work, but his wife was home and I could set up a meeting time with her. Ugh.

2013-01-28 20.06.53

Let me backtrack here. While unassuming, I’m still a random black guy from the internet. No matter how awesome something may sound, I was always raised to think that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably isn’t true. I don’t wanna meet some random dude’s wife, and end up in a Dateline special, as either the victim or the offender. The last thing I need is meeting random white women in their homes, Star Trek be damned! Still, it was a great price…I called the number the husband gave me, and she seemed a bit taken aback. I explained I’d been speaking with “Rick”, and she said that she would have to call him to find out where he had even stashed the thing. OK, fine. She calls back, and she’s found it. Great. She tells me “They usually tell you not to give out your home address to people on Craigslist”. See, she’s just as wary as I am! I tell her that I could meet her somewhere public or even wait until her husband gets home. No, she says it’s OK and proceeds to give me her address. Then, she tells me that she’s in the middle of a homeschool lesson (red alert! red alert!), so to come by around 5. Yeah, it might make me judgmental, but I’m still not in a place where I’m fully comfortable with the homeschooling movement. What makes me think I could do a better job teaching my kid than someone who’s been trained to do it? Hell, my kid would only get As in “Batman”, but he’d fail Math. But I digress…I’ve often said that I judge folks for the stuff they sell at yard sales, and I was beginning to judge this situation.

2013-01-28 20.06.00

At 5, I end up in a small neighborhood, and pull up outside their house. As I walk up to the door, I notice about 3 Romney stickers on the back of their van. THREE?! Then, I notice a big ass Romney sticker in their living room window. You don’t put stickers in a place like that! Stickers aren’t for the home, unless it’s a Fathead, and those people are still douchebags. I kinda thought about turning back, but duty called. I am the Toy Whisperer, after all (don’t worry – I felt like an asshole just typing that). She meets me at the door, and closes the door so the dogs won’t get out. That’s fine, I don’t want this transaction to last any longer than it needs to. I pull out the money, grab the box, and get ready to leave. Before I got away, she began to tell me that the set had been purchased by her father because he thought that stuff would be worth something someday, but he had since died and none of it was really that valuable. Remembering a tip from Brian over at Cool and Collected, I asked, “You mean there’s MORE?” She said that there was, and she invited me in.

2013-01-28 20.05.53

As soon as I got inside, it was like a Romney Wonderland. More posters and whatnot. She told me that the rest of the stuff was in the attic, and she trusted me to hang out with the dogs in the living room as she climbed up to get it. That’s when I heard it: Sean Hannity was playing on the kitchen radio. Aw, shit. “Calm down, Will”, I say to myself. “You’re freaking out for nothing. It’s not like she’s gonna come down and ask you who you voted for.” She comes back down with the stuff, and she proceeds to the kitchen to turn the volume a little lower on the radio. She comes back to me and asks, “Did you vote for Obama?” WHAT IN THE FUCK?! So many thoughts rush through my head: Who asks that? What do I say? Is she asking me that ’cause I’m black? Is she about to make an example of me that will end up on the 11:00 news?! Why did she have to pull this on MLKmas? Didn’t she at least like the Kelly Clarkson performance today? SO MANY THOUGHTS!

2013-01-28 20.06.09

It’s a TRAP!

I wish I could tell you that I became a hero that day. I wish I could tell you I looked her in the eye, and said “You’re damn right I did!” But I can’t. When you’re in an environment like that, “Yes We Can!” because “No We Ain’t!” While still looking over the items, I simply mumbled, “Yeah, the first time”. Careful choice of words. Make her think, “Sure, he did it the first time, ’cause well, the coloreds have to stick together, but he realized that Barry wasn’t the best choice for America. He came to his senses!” At least, that’s what I was going for. Don’t worry black people/bleeding heart liberals: I voted for him both times, but I feared for my life, and what I said wasn’t exactly a lie. I did vote for him the first time. She didn’t need to know about the second time. So, there was a beat, and time stood still. That’s when she said “Well, I turned off the radio. I didn’t want you to be offended.” What an odd sentiment. First off, it was kinda nice that she didn’t want me to be offended, but then it begged the question WHY are you listening to something that you know is offensive? Still, she didn’t have to turn it off. She could’ve turned it UP, so that was considerate of her.

2013-01-28 20.06.33

Diplomacy!

As I look over everything, I ask her what she’d want for the lot. ANOTHER amazing price. But there was a catch: I had to renounce my political affiliation. No, I’m kidding. I hadn’t brought enough money, but I didn’t want this to pass by. I remembered seeing a 7/11 on the way, so I told her that I’d run to the ATM and be right back. She was just fine with that. Fast forward to 10 minutes later, and our transaction was complete. She even helped me to my car. But I also noticed her kinda eye-searching my car. Had she never seen the inside of a black person’s car before? Was she shocked that I didn’t have THREE Obama stickers on my car? Did she notice the Inauguration Edition of The Washington Post on my passenger seat? These things matter not. I got what I came for, and I could escape back to safety!

2013-01-28 20.04.45

So, here’s the my entire haul. As always, if ya see anything you like, shoot me an offer. It saves me from having to list it somewhere. But you can’t have Lando. After my experience on Inauguration/MLK Day, I’m keeping Lando to complete the triumvirate. I Have A Dream That Yes We Can Have A Colt 45!

01st Feb2012

Today In Black History…

by Will

So, if you followed me on Twitter at this time last year, then you’re already familiar with this whole process. I wanted to do it again this year, but I’m unreliable, and I’ll probably miss a day. Plus, as I’ve acquired more black followers, I’m learning that this isn’t so uncommon. Instead of looking like a “biter”, as they say, I wanted to show that I can roll with the big dawgs! So, I thought I’d blow it out in one fell swoop. Plus, at the end, you’ll find a handy, dandy PDF that you can print out and remember the great contributions that Ne..African Americans have made to our society. There’s a different event for each day, so share it with your white friends, and put a copy up on your Kwanzaa mantle. Yes, we can!


 

 

IT’S BLACK HISTORY MONTH, Y’ALL!!!

1) Today In Black History: Arnold & Willis Jackson became the first poor black kids adopted by a rich white person

2) Today in Black History: Jimmie Walker left his lucrative career in demolitions to become a comedian.

3) Today in Black History, The Eastland School for Girls admitted Dorothy “Tootie” Ramsey as its first black student

4) Today in Black History, the Fresh King of Bel Air was assassinated. The throne remained empty until a long lost son was found in 1990.

5) Today in Black History, Kunta Kinte is accepted into the space program, and it only costs him his eyesight.

6) Today in Black History, the black girl became the Yellow Ranger, which was only slightly less offensive.

7) Today in Black History, boxer Cassius Clay was bitten by a radioactive Muslim, transforming him into Muhammad Ali

8) Today in Black History, the remains of the fabled “Caribbean Queen” were found in the trunk of Billy Ocean’s car.

9) Today in Black History, Devonté Henson became the first black person to scale the Aggro Crag.

10) Today in Black History, a young Tyler Perry put on his first dress. Years later, he would learn that he could be paid for it.

11) Today in Black History, scientists combined the DNA of Morris Day and a pony. The result was Prince.

12) Today in Black History, Mr. T pitied his first fool, which is still illegal in most states.

13) Today in Black History, Lt Uhura inspired a generation of black women to work for the phone company.

14) Today in Black History, DeBarge discovered a place where they could dance the whole night away. It was an abandoned T.J. Maxx

15) Today in Black History, the US Government cracked down on music piracy after Rerun snuck that tape recorder into the Doobie Bros concert

16) Today in Black History, the Negro Hockey League was founded. After everyone had a good laugh, the site was converted to a Popeyes.

17) Today in Black History, Magic Johnson opened the first movie theater chain where blacks were encouraged to yell at the screen

18) Today in Black History, George Washington Carver’s lazier brother, Jamal, invented crunchy peanut butter.

19) Today in Black History, Janet Jackson joined the cast of TV’s “Fame”. Critics declared this would be the lowest point for the Jackson family

20) Today in Black History, Dwayne Wayne discovered a parallel universe – a different world, where Marisa Tomei was the only white person.

21) Today in Black History, Frederick, MD was named for Frederick Douglass – known for his love of Walmart and the white women

22) Today in Black History, Aunt Jemima discovered Uncle Ben’s affair with Mrs Butterworth, thus splitting Black America’s first power couple

23) Today in Black History, Acorn Avenue -an all-black version of Sesame Street, debuted featuring NeGrover & Big Turkey. It would only air once

24) Today in Black History, 16 Soul Train dancers were killed in what has come to be known as “The Cabbage Patch Massacre of ‘91”

25) Today in Black History, Autobot Rosa Sparks gained attention when she refused to transform into the back of a bus. (Courtesy of @OAFE)

26) Today in Black History, Jesse Jackson formed the R&B group The Civil Rights. They were dropped from Motown before releasing a single.

27) Today in Black History, with Knight Rider & The A-Team, NBC became the first network to devote a night to shows starring black vehicles

28) Today in Black History, Republican scientists proclaimed “Shucky ducky!” as they successfully completed secret cloning experiment, Operation: Chocolate Cheney.

Be sure to celebrate responsibly, but let’s get it poppin’ like a Jackson Hewitt commercial! After all, it’s what our ancestors would’ve wanted.

Black History Calendar

 

 

 

 


24th Jan2012

An Open Letter to Octavia Spencer & Viola Davis Regarding The 2012 Academy Awards

by Will

Dear Ms Spencer & Ms Davis,

First off, allow me to congratulate you on your nominations for the 2012 Oscars. While I have yet to see The Help, all of my white friends tell me that it’s “A-MAH-zing”. I guess that means that they really liked it. Now, I realize that we’re a few decades removed from the Civil Rights Movement, but sadly many of us are still seen as representations for our entire race. This is especially true when we are on a public stage. So, while I sincerely applaud your talent, I do have to make one small request: should you win, PLEASE do not do anything stupid on your way to the podium. I figured this was a good time to go over some award show etiquette.

DON’T give your award away to some random old dude who doesn’t even know who you are.

 

Jack Lemmon was in Grumpy Old Men! He don’t need yo’ award!

DON’T go kiss Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper up there on stage!

Y’all forgot this, didn’t you? You know something’s up when Mr. Tibbs himself has a look on his face like, “Denzel better let go of that white woman.” Check out the clip on YouTube and look at Russell Crowe’s face. I’m surprised we didn’t have riots the day after this. Nah, we were too busy bootlegging Training Day tapes from Blockbuster.

DON’T lost your shit onstage. There’s something to be said about humility:

Cuba Gooding Jr. Oscar Acceptance Speech by

Do you know how hard it was to find an embeddable clip of that moment? The Gooding Hollywood Influence goes strong!

Finally, once you’ve got your Oscar in hand, DON’T take any and every job that comes your way

Ease up a little. Show some restraint. After all, you’re representing us all.

So, now that we’ve got that out of the way, can I hold $100? Just email me or whatever.

Your pal,

Will

21st Dec2011

Thrift Justice – What You Leave Behind

by Will

It’s funny when people find out about my whole thrifting obsession. One of the first questions I get is “Where do you keep all of the stuff?” Well, it’s spread across the state of Maryland in various strongholds. Or am I lying? The point I wanted to make today is that, contrary to popular belief, I don’t buy every quirky little thing that I come across. In fact, there are a lot of items that I’m simply thrilled to see, and don’t really need to go through the trouble of lugging them home. There have been many items that caught my eye for various reasons, but I had to leave them where they were. I thought I’d share a few of those with you today.

If this isn’t your first time here, then you already know that I have an unhealthy affinity for boybands. It is what it is. That said, it was a lot worse when I was in high school. I bought more YM and Teen People than any heterosexual male should ever purchase. I couldn’t help it, though – every issue seemed to focus on some boyband du jour, and I LOVED the embarrassing stories letter columns. Those chicks were TOTALLY MORTIFIED!

Anyway, I just found the cover to this to be hilarious. 98 Degrees were in a weird place, as they actually came out prior to the boyband explosion, and then had to change their image to fit with the times. Just look at the nerdlinger in the middle. I STILL don’t know how he got in that group. Was he just a really old Make-A-Wish patient or something?

Once upon a time, Haim Saban gave birth to a really gifted child, known as the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Since Haim had a success on his hands, and he LOVED money, he decided to give birth to another child. This second child would take advantage of the world’s new fascination with the concept of “virtual reality”. He created VR Troopers, in which a bro, his black friend, and the chick who won’t let him bang, all have the ability to enter a VR world, where they fight a white businessman who hasn’t yet learned that the real fun is in foreclosures. Oh, and there’s also a talking dog. Anyway, Saban’s second child was seen as the retard of the dynasty, and we done away with after 2 seasons. What you’re seeing is a GIANT figure of main character Ryan Steele in his VR form. This thing is a good 15 inches, at least. It was made by Kenner, so it boasts minimal articulation. There was a part of me that felt it would make a quirky mantle piece, but I just didn’t want such a totem of failure messing up my chi. So, I had to leave Ryan behind.

OK, now this one is a real kicker. I was in an antique mall, and stumbled upon this little piece of history. You’re not going to be able to read the text, so let me spell it out for you. On the left is a letter written to James Earl Ray, who you might know from history class as Martin Luther King’s convicted assassin. I put the word “convicted” in there, as an article featured in the New Times magazine on the right implied that King’s death was part of a vast conspiracy. If you want to know more about that, there’s always Google and Wikipedia. No, the interesting part is on the left. It was a letter sent to Ray while he was in prision. The author of the letter was giving Ray his support, saying that the article had provided enough evidence that the case should be reopened. At the bottom of this letter, Ray actually wrote a reply, with prisoner number, signature, and all. It’s also funny that he writes “Ray” the same way it was written on the movie poster for the Ray Charles biopic. Now, THAT would be a conspiracy!

Before he became an internet meme and Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was just a dude with a beard who starred in borderline shitty movies. He also had a actually shitty 80s cartoon, called Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos. Ya know, considering how many shows kept replacing “C” with “K” in their titles, it’s no wonder our generation can barely read. Hell, one of your friends might be reading this aloud to you as we speak! But I digress…The 80s were an odd time, what with deregulation and all, where you could have a 5-episode miniseries that’s rerun throughout an entire season and also spawns a toy line. FIVE EPISODES! But that’s exactly what happened here.

I got one of the figures when they first came out. Still have him. You can’t imagine the torture I inflicted on that thing. The one toy that I always wanted, however, was his car (or would that be “kar”?). Actually, its proper name is the “Karate Corvette.” I honestly can’t believe they didn’t go with “Korvette”; who was steering this ship?! Oddly enough, I’ve been having dreams about this toy lately. Don’t ask why – I couldn’t tell you myself. The dreams must have been an omen, however, that the Karate Corvette would soon enter my life. Ever since I started doing these thrift runs, I had a mental list of toys that I expected to see, and this car was always on it. Last week, my search was over, as it was right before my eyes. This car is 80s badassery cranked up to 11. Not only is it a Corvette, which was THE pussydrencher automobile of the decade, but it had fucking ninja blades that popped out of the sides and hood! It’s like a 4-wheeled assault on homeless guys who try to wash your windows at red lights! I always wanted this car, but this one wasn’t in the best shape, plus it’s almost the size of a Barbie Corvette. No, I would have to leave it behind. After all, Chuck can’t drive it in the World of Warcraft, anyway.

Back when I was 12, and before I learned that they showed boobs during Masterpiece Theatre, Ghostwriter was the coolest thing on PBS. Basically, it’s about a bunch of New York tweens who solve mysteries through the power of literacy. They were aided by Ghostwriter, who appeared like a karaoke ball and would rearrange available letters to send them messages. Sure, it sounds pretty dumb now, but it was pretty engrossing, especially when most story arcs were 4-5 episodes long – somewhat unheard of in children’s programming. None of those kids went anywhere, except for Spanish Kid #2 who ended up as Token Gay Guy on The Real World: Philadelphia. Nope, no room for this in my lair. Plus, I’m still kinda pissed off that they never got around to telling Ghostwriter’s origin!

Blue Collar Ninja! How awesome is that?! It’s like something out of The Adventures of Dr. McNinja. I’m STILL kicking myself for leaving him behind. He would’ve looked GREAT on a shelf, but I was put off by his bootleg nature. He looked like the kind of thing that would just fall apart once I got him out of the bag. Blue collar ninja! He pays bills, drives a truck, and SILENTLY KILLS PEOPLE!

So, on that note, I think I’ll wrap this up. This is most likely the last Thrift Justice post of 2011, so I thank you all for joining me for the ride. Be sure to come back in 2012, when I’ll be another year older, yet hopefully just as funny. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!

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