20th Jun2004

Mother’s Day Is Still On, Though

by Will

Happy Father’s Day, or as it’s more commonly known in the Black Community: “Sunday”…

18th Jun2004

Natural Tan (Why Am I So Angry Here?)

by Will

OK White ladies, this whole fake tanning thing has GOT to stop! A tan is supposed to make it appear that you’ve been in the sun, and it’s UV rays were nice enough to elegantly tint you with it’s solar goodness. But NO! You bitches go to these salons to have the shit put on you. It don’t look right! It doesn’t look like you’ve sunned. It doesn’t look like a tan. You look like George Hamilton. I’m tired of seeing all these Black jappy girls! I know you’re not Black, but I’d love to see what the cops do if they catch you speeding…You’ll learn what it’s like to be a nigga for a day. Anyway, go back in the sun and risk cancer. Hey, I don’t think it’s worth it, but it’s just another way for y’all to get what we already have. In the words of Paul Mooney, “Everybody wants to be a NIGGA; nobody wants to BE a nigga.” Thank you, Jesus, for my natural tan.

Man, if James doesn’t come back online soon, I’m gonna be in full Sharpton mode…

13th Jun2004

I Kinda Want An Uppity Negro Shirt…

by Will

Someone needs to tell James that it’s June and NOT May. His blog seems confused. Oh wait…I guess that means he’s gotten lazy again. Well, if he were around, he’d probably want you to visit http://www.uppitynegro.com . The site sells t-shirts with ironic messages, such as “ungrateful negro” and “uppity negro”. Each shirt has meaning, but the company’s owner doesn’t feel that the White world can grasp the emphasis of her message. In fact, she refuses to sell her wares to White customers until she’s spoken with them, and understands that they have an understanding of the Black struggle.

Now, I’m not much for politics. Well, I’m not much for VOCAL politics. If you really know me, then you know my views, but I’m not gonna take up much blog space getting ’em out. I DO, however, feel this is an interesting company, plus I like the design of the merchandise. The shirts have been seen on Dave Chappelle, Spike Lee, and others. Click on over and check it out. I don’t know, but something about this site feels very “James Lamb” to me. It’s a shame I’ve gotta do his dirty work for him! WTF?!!

24th May2004

Real World DC? I’ll Believe It When I See It.

by Will

So, it seems like MTV finally came to their senses and Real World DC is gonna happen after all. I am shocked by the location, though. Apparently, they bought a space in Adams Morgan, above Maggie Moo’s on 18th. If you’ve taken the time to read Washingtonienne’s blog, she broke the news first, but it seems like we’re finally gonna get some RW action in Chocolate City! Which begs another question, how are they gonna hide all the Black people? CGI is only SO effective, and there’s no way they could party at Dream or Platinum. I’ll bet they hide in Georgetown the whole time!

15th May2004

I’m Sure, In Some Places, It Would’ve Been Considered A Delicacy…

by Will

The other day, Natasha and I had an adventure. We went to Neisha Thai Cuisine behind Tysons, and the waiter was a complete a-hole to us. We’d been there just a few days before, and the same guy had been the same a-hole.

We had no silverware, no plates, and when they brought the food, the portions were smaller than they usually were. She’d been to the place without me, and the service had been fine, so I started getting all paranoid thinking, “What if they’re doing this because of me? They don’t like the fact that I’m Black…”

Anyway, before we were done, she bites into a spring roll, and a tiny bug crawls out. Since most of the food was gone, it’s not like we could send anything back. To make this doubly bad was the fact that this was her second discovery. The first time we went, she found a hair, but wasn’t sure if it was hers, or if it had been in the food the whole time, which is why we decided to try the place again.

So, we call the waiter about this bug, and he’s still A-hole of the Year. He tries to say that bug couldn’t have been cooked in the food because the hot temperature would’ve killed it. OK, Mr. Wizard, nice explanation, but it still doesn’t explain why the bug was there! The kicker was that the bug was not an airborne bug! It could not fly, despite his protests that the bug probably flew into the food.

We call the manager, but she didn’t really care either. Natasha kind of went off on them, saying that she’d never eat there again, and I was proud of her moxie. The manager said she’s “take care of it”, but all she did was take off the spring rolls and take 20% off the bill.

So, here’s where I entered the running for A-hole of the Year. When the receipt came back, there’s always the infamous “tip” line. I told Natasha what I wanted to write, but she didn’t believe I’d do it. We already knew we were never going back, so we scratched out any distinguishing features on the receipt, such as credit card numbers and expiration date. Then, I wrote on the tip line: “The bug was your tip”. We grabbed the mints and ran out laughing.

Sure, it wasn’t the most evil thing in the world, but it sure felt good. I guess you had to be there…

04th May2004

The Trials Of Retail

by Will

Episode Title: “It’s Good Stuff…Even On The Red Line” Episode #: 05102203

Special Guest Star: Ed Cabic

Today was an interesting day. Was late again for what is turning into a week-long streak. Just don’t care anymore. “Law of Diminishing Returns” and all that jazz. No, I’m not that irresponsible. I DO care, but I don’t really feel that it matters. I seem to have different goals for my store than those who are responsible for steering it in the right direction. I constantly observe bad business practices, compounded with a lack of consistency in regards to regulations. Anyway, I had a good reason for being late. I had to find my earring. Yeah, I know it sounds lame, but I’ve got a great story about how I lost it, but I’ll post it another time. Anyway, this was a REAL diamond, and I wasn’t about to take it lying down. Cubic Zirconia, and I’d have been to work on time. Diamonds…not as punctual.

So, I found my earring, but got to work about an hr late because all the buses in N. VA suck, and NEVER run on-schedule. I get to work, and the manager is all upset ’cause I didn’t listen to some order one of my fellow trainees gave me. I told the manager, “Look, you’re a manager and I expect to hear these things from YOU, and frankly I don’t trust the person who gave me that order.” She proceeds to tell me that I have to track down a manager and demand an answer in those situations! Me, the employee, DEMAND something from a manager? Welcome to the Land of Oz. There’s so much diffusion of responsibility in that place, and I’m tired of it.

This job’ll never see a resume, as far as I care. I don’t say this that often, but “I went to Cornell, damn it!” I’m slumming, and we all know it. EVERYONE there is slumming. We all deserve better! Everyday day is a “what the Hell am I doing?” moment. I think we must be going through what slaves felt when they were emancipated. Everyone thinks it was “Howdy-doo, we’s got freedom!”, but it wasn’t like that at all. Many slaves were lost and didn’t really know what to do with their lives. Many stayed with their former masters because they didn’t know anything better. I think we all feel like those slaves. We know it’s bad, but we’re not quite sure of our other options at the moment. So, we put on a smile, and do our time, just waiting for news from the North of better things to come…

I’m just trying to learn about life and people. When I stop learning, I’ll move on. After all, that’s what Esther taught me. I’ve heard so many horror stories of customers calling my coworkers “niggers’ and stuff like that. Just LET them try that on me! I’d LOVE…no, I’d WELCOME the opportunity to face that kind of mess. Anything I do, from a moral perspective, will be justified. I was just standing up for myself. Plain and simple. I’m not talking about anything physical, but I can be pretty witty and cold when pushed to the limit, and I have quite the library of bitterness saved up.

Another common beast is the loud millionairess. Apparently, a lot of women come in, thinking they own the place just because they’re so rich. Let me set the record straight for you ladies: 1) you’re not rich. Either your husband or father is rich. You haven’t worked for anything. You know how I know? It’s because you’re here wasting my time, instead of being at a real job. 2) if you DO have millions of dollars, don’t brag about spending it on the shit at H&M. Hell, that makes me pity you more than anything. If I had your money, I’d be out buying Louis Vuitton, and I mean the real stuff, not the fakes I’ve caught you buying from the Haitian on the street in Georgetown. If you Do have money, I just see you as a cheap bastard, especially considering most of these clothes have the consistency of 2-ply toilet paper. But I digress….

I paid my dues, and put in my 8 hrs. When I was done, I was all set to unwind on the LONG ride home. Right before I get to Metro Center, who should I see? Mr. WVBR himself: Ed Cabic. “It’s good stuff…and good for you!”. He recognized me, and I asked where he was headed. I really had to make my connection, so I told him I’d spoken to Lip and knew that they’d all been hanging out, so I’d see him soon. I hope I didn’t come off as a dick. I’m always worried about that….

19th Apr2004

24 Is Social Commentary On How We Should Never Have A Black President

by Will

Did anybody see “24” last night?!! I can’t believe Jack killed Chappelle! Normally, we complain when TV shows threaten to do something big and reneg at the last minute. Not “24”. They delivered, and I actually find myself feeling sorrow for the shrewd, anal, arrogant boss of CTU we’ve come to hate over the past 3 seasons.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: “24” is social commentary on how we should never have a Black president.” Ever since David Palmer entered the presidential arena, this country has witnessed 3 of the worst days in the history of the world. Now, I have to admit that this is the first season where they’re not convincing me that all of this action is taking place within the span of a 24 hr period. I feel like this drama has been dragged out over the course of months. Regardless, the message is the same: Black president = F’ed up America.

Many of you are probably asking, “How can you say that, Will? You’re Black!”. Well, I’m also honest. This country is no more ready for a Black president than a Black man is ready to be president. Who almost got him impeached last season? His bitch of a wife. Strong Black woman my butt! Who’s costing him reelection this season? His player of a brother/chief of staff who can’t keep business and pleasure separate.

Now, I know you’re saying, “Well, nothing here has occurred that didn’t happen during any Kennedy Administration.” You’re correct. In fact, I might say that the Kennedy Dynasty have come the closest to emulating the drama of “24”, but I feel that David Palmer (I refuse to call him “Mr. President”) is the sole reason for all of these catastrophes. Either that, or someone really loves having Kiefer Sutherland jump through hoops.

OK, here’s my new theory: some Kiefer Sutherland-loving, racist, is behind these nefarious events that are plaguing the Palmer Presidency.

Man, I really need some sleep soon.

08th Sep2003

Of Course You’re Cold. You’re Wearing Flip-Flops!

by Will

Ok, White kids….explain something to me. Why is it that you realize it’s cold enough for a sweatshirt, but you still wear flip-flops?!!! Or the thing that really kills me, when one of y’all wears a huge sweatshirt and SHORTS!!!! I’ve even encountered a few of you who have the audacity to lament, “I’m cold.” I’ll bet you are. You’re also a fool. Is there something about Anglo-Physiology of which I’m unaware? Do you all only register cold from the waist up? Someone, please enlighten me.

22nd Jul2003

The State of MTV in 2003

by Will

What to rant about now? Oh yes, MTV. Woke up this morning to see Video Clash. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but this is the first time that I’ve noticed MTV borrowing program ideas from their European counterparts. I saw Video Clash last summer when I was in London, watching MTV Europe. I saw it and said, “This is a clever idea. If only we had that in the US.” So tell me people, has this been around for awhile and I’m just now noticing, or did I really see the future last year?

All you perverts out there best shed a tear, for the word on the street is that t.A.T.u are going to that little lesbian schoolgirl fantasy in the sky. Ok, they’re not dying, but the brunette’s mad at the redhead (do they even have names?!!) ’cause redhead’s spending too much time with her boyfriend, and the media’s picking up on the fact that “Hey, these two little girls ain’t lesbians after all!” Their manager’s expecting the worse, but it’s not like he hasn’t gotten his mileage out of them.

Who in the HELL gave Pharrell a record deal that included singing?!! Did we learn nothing from Sean “Puffy” Combs/Puffy/Puff Daddy/P.Diddy? Those who can sing: do. Those who can’t: produce. Yeah, I know the ladies love him and he’s cute and all, but that’s not enough.

Speaking of music, why is B2K so hot? I hate to point this out, but they’re simply using ‘Nsync’s moves, two years too late. Normally, White music is stealing from Black (Elvis, anyone?), not vice versa. I see all these concert specials for them, and the girls are going crazy. Not in that ghetto fashion either, but in that “I’m a white girl from Connecticut and I’m gonna marry a Beatle circa 1967” kinda way. I think it’s even sadder that Marquess Houston is joining ’em for this tour. He already had a shot at this when he was in Immature/IMX. Now, he’s all solo and he’s hanging out with kids. Oh, I can’t wait til the day Nick Carter starts hanging out with his brother Aaron just mooch off of his fans. This is the same exact thing.

When did VJ’s stop being cool? Remember 10 years ago, when you had Daisy, Idalis, and Kennedy? These people were too cool to have last names. They were cool BECAUSE they didn’t have last names! Now, I’ve got Hilarie Burton and Kuddush, or whatever that fool’s name is. Hey, a misspelled name does not a cool VJ make? These kids have no personality. The old ones were cool (OK, not the original ones, but that whole 92-99 variety). I used to want to be Simon Rex, but now I’d rather be Kurt Loder