29th Jul2004

Seriously, Y’all – What’s With All The Lifeguarding?

by Will

My open letter to all White people ages 14-25:

Why is it that you ALL, at some point in your lives, have been lifeguards? I mean it. I defy you to find one White person in this demographic who has never been employed as a lifeguard. Is it something deemed at birth? Do you have a special affinity for aquatics? Is it like the White Selective Service? Are y’all drafted? It’s not a big deal, but it’s just something I’ve noticed over the years. Wondered if anyone could shed some light on this….

12th Jul2004

Not Gonna Make Sense In 5 Years, Especially Out Of Context…

by Will

Wow, big words. Perhaps if you’d calm down, and realize the rampant racism in YOUR OWN life, rather than every little injustice that DOESN’T affect you, perhaps you’d understand what I was saying. So many people wanna look good on a soapbox, not even wondering who their audience is. You wanna keep crusading, keep right on. But your credibility only takes a hit when your own affairs are being swept under the rug, potentially hurting those around you. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it. Oh yeah, I guess “fuck me”.

09th Jul2004

Sounds A Lot Better Than “iMesh”…

by Will

I think BET, or VIBE, or The Source should create a file-sharing program and call it “Soulsearch”. Watch someone steal this idea from me in the next few months….

28th Jun2004

Guess It’s Better Than Looking Like Aaron Spelling…

by Will

Am I the only one who noticed that The Wayans Bros, in “White Chicks”, look just like Tori Spelling?!!

26th Jun2004

They Were Hot on the Trail of the THABTO Gang…

by Will

So, yesterday, I’m on the bus, and the cutest little kids got on with their babysitter. There was a little Black boy, a little White girl, and a little Hispanic boy. And I thought to myself, “Wow, they’re just like the Ghostwriter team!”

I’ll bet THAT reference goes over a LOT of heads…

20th Jun2004

Mother’s Day Is Still On, Though

by Will

Happy Father’s Day, or as it’s more commonly known in the Black Community: “Sunday”…

18th Jun2004

Natural Tan (Why Am I So Angry Here?)

by Will

OK White ladies, this whole fake tanning thing has GOT to stop! A tan is supposed to make it appear that you’ve been in the sun, and it’s UV rays were nice enough to elegantly tint you with it’s solar goodness. But NO! You bitches go to these salons to have the shit put on you. It don’t look right! It doesn’t look like you’ve sunned. It doesn’t look like a tan. You look like George Hamilton. I’m tired of seeing all these Black jappy girls! I know you’re not Black, but I’d love to see what the cops do if they catch you speeding…You’ll learn what it’s like to be a nigga for a day. Anyway, go back in the sun and risk cancer. Hey, I don’t think it’s worth it, but it’s just another way for y’all to get what we already have. In the words of Paul Mooney, “Everybody wants to be a NIGGA; nobody wants to BE a nigga.” Thank you, Jesus, for my natural tan.

Man, if James doesn’t come back online soon, I’m gonna be in full Sharpton mode…

13th Jun2004

I Kinda Want An Uppity Negro Shirt…

by Will

Someone needs to tell James that it’s June and NOT May. His blog seems confused. Oh wait…I guess that means he’s gotten lazy again. Well, if he were around, he’d probably want you to visit http://www.uppitynegro.com . The site sells t-shirts with ironic messages, such as “ungrateful negro” and “uppity negro”. Each shirt has meaning, but the company’s owner doesn’t feel that the White world can grasp the emphasis of her message. In fact, she refuses to sell her wares to White customers until she’s spoken with them, and understands that they have an understanding of the Black struggle.

Now, I’m not much for politics. Well, I’m not much for VOCAL politics. If you really know me, then you know my views, but I’m not gonna take up much blog space getting ’em out. I DO, however, feel this is an interesting company, plus I like the design of the merchandise. The shirts have been seen on Dave Chappelle, Spike Lee, and others. Click on over and check it out. I don’t know, but something about this site feels very “James Lamb” to me. It’s a shame I’ve gotta do his dirty work for him! WTF?!!

24th May2004

Real World DC? I’ll Believe It When I See It.

by Will

So, it seems like MTV finally came to their senses and Real World DC is gonna happen after all. I am shocked by the location, though. Apparently, they bought a space in Adams Morgan, above Maggie Moo’s on 18th. If you’ve taken the time to read Washingtonienne’s blog, she broke the news first, but it seems like we’re finally gonna get some RW action in Chocolate City! Which begs another question, how are they gonna hide all the Black people? CGI is only SO effective, and there’s no way they could party at Dream or Platinum. I’ll bet they hide in Georgetown the whole time!

15th May2004

I’m Sure, In Some Places, It Would’ve Been Considered A Delicacy…

by Will

The other day, Natasha and I had an adventure. We went to Neisha Thai Cuisine behind Tysons, and the waiter was a complete a-hole to us. We’d been there just a few days before, and the same guy had been the same a-hole.

We had no silverware, no plates, and when they brought the food, the portions were smaller than they usually were. She’d been to the place without me, and the service had been fine, so I started getting all paranoid thinking, “What if they’re doing this because of me? They don’t like the fact that I’m Black…”

Anyway, before we were done, she bites into a spring roll, and a tiny bug crawls out. Since most of the food was gone, it’s not like we could send anything back. To make this doubly bad was the fact that this was her second discovery. The first time we went, she found a hair, but wasn’t sure if it was hers, or if it had been in the food the whole time, which is why we decided to try the place again.

So, we call the waiter about this bug, and he’s still A-hole of the Year. He tries to say that bug couldn’t have been cooked in the food because the hot temperature would’ve killed it. OK, Mr. Wizard, nice explanation, but it still doesn’t explain why the bug was there! The kicker was that the bug was not an airborne bug! It could not fly, despite his protests that the bug probably flew into the food.

We call the manager, but she didn’t really care either. Natasha kind of went off on them, saying that she’d never eat there again, and I was proud of her moxie. The manager said she’s “take care of it”, but all she did was take off the spring rolls and take 20% off the bill.

So, here’s where I entered the running for A-hole of the Year. When the receipt came back, there’s always the infamous “tip” line. I told Natasha what I wanted to write, but she didn’t believe I’d do it. We already knew we were never going back, so we scratched out any distinguishing features on the receipt, such as credit card numbers and expiration date. Then, I wrote on the tip line: “The bug was your tip”. We grabbed the mints and ran out laughing.

Sure, it wasn’t the most evil thing in the world, but it sure felt good. I guess you had to be there…