02nd Sep2004

Magic Shave Turned Me Into Firemarshall Bill

by Will

Boy, today sure sucked…

1) I didn’t get that job. I didn’t know if I could really do what they were asking, but I was willing to try. Anyway, the chick just kinda fumbled on my voicemail. The professional equivalent of “It’s not you, it’s me…”. Man, if she’d mentioned that she was a lesbian, my life would’ve come full circle…

2) I burned my face using Magic Shave. For the uninformed, as a Black man, a razor is your worst enemy. Well, the Grand Dragon of the local KKK is your worst enemy, but a razor is a cross-burning distant second. So, there’s this powder called “Magic Shave” that’s a chemical which removes the hair. Anyway, leave it on too long, and it’ll irritate your skin. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I got to work, and noticed there was basically blood on the surface. It had take off a good bit of my epidermis. And it was predominantly just on the right side of my face. So, I spent the day looking like Two-Face, which burned until I numbed it with an icepack. It also didn’t help that a guy at work called me “Firemarshall Bill”. That asshole…

3) I lost my man! No, it’s not what it sounds like. Well, I guess it is. Anyway, Cheesecake Factory guy’s been spending a lot more time in H&M. But it’s not for me! Apparently, he’s met one of the authentic H&M ga…i mean, “guys”….Well, there goes that source of attention….

4) For the second week in a row, my comic total came to about $50. This is absurd. Especially when I think how these things used to cost a fraction of what they do now. Of course, I wasn’t alive then, and the same could be said for gas and food, but still….why should 22 pages of colored paper cost $3.50? I’ve GOT to drop some titles….

5) I can’t go to Boston anymore. I was planning on visiting Tarek for Labor Day, but H&M has fucked with my schedule as they’re so prone to do. I need out. I can’t take that job anymore. And I really needed that trip, too….

22nd Aug2004

What An Epically Fucked Up Night In DuPont…

by Will

WARNING: The following is the longest, most drunken, most deplorable and shameful post I’ve ever written for this blog. This seriously bleeds into the “too much info” category and I probably shouldn’t even share it, but I’m so mad that i have to get it all out. Bear with me…

Tonight….fuckin’ tonight…So, work sucked today because I was hungover from Bethesda bar-hopping with Davis last night, and only getting 4 hrs of sleep. Not only was it a typical busy H&M Saturday, but the server went down, so we had to manually approve each credit card transaction, which caused our lines to be LONG! Anyway, after work, I had plans with Natalie.

Natalie and I went to a Loverware Party @ Night Dreams, a sex shop in Bethesda. Hosted by DC 101, the guest of honor was Victoria Zdrok, Penthouse’s Pet of the Year 2004. It was…interesting… Honestly, Victoria was kinda busted. And the sex shop was kinda disappointing. I think the shady Ithaca one had more to offer than this place. In the meantime, the event had an adverse effect on me ’cause it made me depressed. While in there, I realized “There’s a sexual world out there, and I have nothing to do with it!” Seriously, where’s my sex? A place like that makes you realize just how many people are screwing, and it hurts to not be in that number….At the same time, Natalie’s walking around going, “I want this…and this…” And it got to me ’cause she’s gonna use the shit. With some girl. No particular girl at the moment, but give it time…So, when the thing was finally over, she asked what was wrong with me, and I told her. Yeah, I’m too honest. Then she goes into this thing about “it happens when you least expect it” and “you gotta stop looking…” blah blah. All shit I’ve heard before. I’m tired of these games: You’re too nice, you’re gay. You have to make a concerted effort to appear uninterested in order to interest a woman. WTF?!! I’m sick of this mindgame shit.

So, after she dropped me off, I got ready for the second phase of the night with Brett. Once at Nation, I immediately see this beautiful girl dancing with her friends. I mean, she was smoking. She looked like Jessica Biel. And the cute part was she almost looked like she was counting while she danced. She had some moves, but she was definitely getting points for effort. I danced around her. but not with her. I thought her friends were trying to keep her away, so I didn’t press the issue. Eventually, after a few more drinks, I tell Brett how much I want the girl, and he’s all like, “Talk to her.” I didn’t know what to say, so he took his drunk ass and went to talk to her for me. I pretended I didn’t know. He told her I was straight, thought she was attractive, etc. She told him I should come over and talk for myself. So, after pounding a Long Island, I make my way over to her, not knowing what to say. First off, I apologized for Brett ’cause I had to make it look like I hadn’t put him up to it. We started talking, and she was a cool, beautiful girl. But there’s more…the kicker was when she told me her future plans. You see, she just graduated from college and her major was RUSSIAN!!! And in a few weeks, she’s off to grad school in RUSSIA!!! I told her about my Russian past, and she couldn’t believe it. After we exchanged a few Russian pleasantries, we were really hitting it off.. When the good music started, we were back on the dance floor, and I was grinding her like you wouldn’t believe. There were points where I thought, “I should make a move”, but I can’t bring myself to be that guy. Unfortunately, I was drunk, and I think I lost my rhythm at one point. It was then that a gay guy just swooped in and snatched her from me. Later on, I saw her and she told me she was going to find a friend she came with. I found her in the other dance room, chilling with some Black dude; I’d been replaced….

So, Brett and I left, and decided we were too drunk to come home, so we went to Soho for coffee. Soho’s right next to Apex, which is where Natalie went tonight, so I called her up. She met us outside, and went to Soho with us. Now, this is where shit gets twisted….

I’m drunk as shit, and brazenly hitting on Natalie. So, she likes girls. I’m drunk. What do I care? So, I’m making an ass of myself, but it’s cool ’cause she knows I’m drunk.

Next thing I know, these two guys, George and Tony sit at our table. I kinda see them looking at me, but I pretend to ignore it ’cause we’re in DuPont at this point, and I don’t wanna send any mixed signals. Next thing I know, Tony’s telling me that I’m a beautiful man. George, then, says that I’m the most beautiful man he’s seen all night. Well, Holy Shit! I’m getting hit on by some gay guys! They’re older, like late 30’s, but they definitely seem interested. Now, I’m weirded out ’cause I don’t swing that way, but at the same time, flattered ’cause, c’mon, “Most beautiful man all night”?!! that’s some heavy shit.

So, we all start shooting the shit, and all of a sudden, George is like “Are you 100% straight?” I was like, “Yeah, I am.” Natalie, trying to be cute, chimes in, “No, he’s like 50%, max”. You see, here’s a little variable I’ve never blogged about before. As much as I’m into the girl, she’s got this hang-up where she doesn’t exactly believe I’m entirely straight. In fact, she kind of thinks of it as some kind of sick game to try to turn me. I think it’d be some kind of HRC accomplishment for her to do so. Maybe she gets double coupons this month if she’s successful.

So, of course this little tidbit stokes the fires, and Tony and George wanna hear more. He finds out that she likes girls, and then he’s like, “Dude, why are you chasing a lesbian? You’re in denial!” I’m like, “Denial of what?” He responds, “C’mon man. Don’t bullshit me! I was like you. When I was in my early 20’s, I got married. I had a kid. But I was fooling myself. I wasn’t being true to myself.”

He continues with, “You love this girl because she’s safe. Don’t get me wrong. She’s a beautiful girl, but you love her because you know you can’t have her. But it’s the closest you’re willing to go in order to be with someone who’s not straight.”

Brett’s just sitting there, kinda laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing, but Natalie becomes fucking Juror # 1. She seems to be agreeing with the guy. He asks her why she’s dating me, and she says we’re not dating. She tells him we were dating, but it just didn’t work out. Now, that’s fuckin’ news to me! Whenever I’d even attempt to call our shit dates, she’d get all weirded out ’cause “things change when you start dating”. So, here I am being attacked ’cause I’m “in denial”, and the past few weeks have apparently been a sham.

Brett and Tony disappear, and I go into my explanation of how I’m willing to acknowledge an attractive man, but that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with him. Quite the contrary. I can’t fathom the idea of sex with a man. I seriously can’t. Hell, I hate my own penis, so how can i go about dealing with those of others? I LOVE women. We won’t get graphic, but there are things women have that a man can never attain. I appreciate an attractive anything, be it man, woman, or sunset. I don’t feel as comfortable acknowledging attractive women because women tend to be catty and jealous, and being raised by women, I was conditioned that you’re just asking for trouble if you open Pandora’s Box in that dept. Don’t tell a woman that another woman is attractive.

This explanation seems to satisfy George. He says that I’m just a secure, heterosexual male. But no, Natalie can’t seem to let it die. She goes on about how I’m perfect, and how if I was a woman, it’d be on. But I’m just in the wrong package. The knife twists. So, George harps back on how futile it is for me to be pining for a lesbian. I tell him I’m a dreamer, and I guess I’m holding out for that tiny part of her that does want me. She sits there quietly.

Another blog I neglected to post was from last Saturday. You see, I got drunk, and a few revelations. I realized, as much as I want her, Natalie doesn’t not feel the same about me. Sure, she loves me. Just not IN love with me. She doesn’t want me. I’m safe, and nice, and care about her, but it’s not about…desire. And like an self-respecting drunk, I called her and told her this. Long story short, she didn’t deny any of it. Basically, this time has just taught her how much she really likes girls. What luck have I!!!

Fast-forward back to tonight. She considers my phone call last week to be when I “broke up” with her. Hello?!!! Didn’t know we were on that level. There’s a part of her that’s joking, but also a serious part.

So, here I have Tony and George telling me how foolish I am for pursuing this, and I have Natalie basically in silent agreement. She stands by her whole, “we tried and it didn’t work out, so stop dwelling” stance. Sorry, but I don’t remember all this!

So, then George starts trying to buy me a drink. He’s all like, “OK, I am gay. Do I have a shot?” I CRACK UP LAUGHING. He’s got balls, I’ll give him that. Now, here he is, psychoanalyzing me, and then he tries to take me home! I was like, “No, you don’t have a shot!” But he kept plying us all with drinks, so when Brett agreed, I was like, “fine, you can get me a drink.” He kept suggesting espresso, so I guess he wanted to make sure I stayed awake for awhile tonight….

Finally, Tony is like, “Do you find me attractive?” What are you supposed to say when you’re on the spot like that? I was like, “Yeah, you’re cute.” “But do you find me hot?” he asked. I told him I didn’t have feelings like that. I didn’t know him to know if he was hot. At a glance, he’s cute. He said, “I want you to listen to those words. You need to listen to the words that you are speaking. And I want you to respect this woman, ” as he puts his arm around Natalie. Ok, not really sure how I disrespected Natalie, but this was turning into a bad sci-fi movie where your ally has been a spy all along. She seemed pretty comfortable nestled up with him, as Tony suggested I be honest with myself. He said, “You love this woman, but you know it cannot be. You are hiding from something. You must be honest with yourself. What was your name again?”

George chimed in with, “You shouldn’t be like this. You should be proud of who your are. You are a handsome Black man. You shouldn’t take shit off of anybody. It took me awhile to learn that, and I’m not Black. I’m a White guy. From Switzerland. But I learned that. You should go out there, with your head up, and say ‘fuck you!’ You should never be afraid to be who you truly are!”

This is when the real shit hit the fan. Tony stands up, offers me his hand, and says, “My name is Antonio Guerra, and you are gay. You are in denial, and you are scared, but you should know that there’s nothing to fear. You have friends here for you. We will support you.” I didn’t take his hand. I just sat there, dumbfounded. I can’t believe he fucking tried to OUT me in a damn coffeeshop in such an AA fashion. I just looked at him. This bastard was standing here, trying to welcome me to the fold!!! Brett thought it was hilarious, which, had it happened to anyone else, I probably would’ve laughed too.

Everyone seemed so convinced, and there was nothing I could do to change anyone’s mind. I didn’t say anything. Brett started to light a cigarette. “Brett, give it to me,” I said. Yes, I did what I never thought I’d do. I guess I have a real reason to hate those Truth.com kids now. Yes, I smoked my first cigarette. Brett was all like, “Don’t just inhale. Just let yourself take it in.” Fortunately, I didn’t choke or start coughing or anything. In fact, I only had about 3 puffs. Enough to relieve the stress, but also enough to know that I’m not cut out to be a smoker.

So, everyone seemed pretty satisfied, and the conversation turned back to bullshit, such as the fact that George was a chef at a popular G-town restaurant, etc. Then, he acknowledged that I hadn’t said anything since my apparent “outing”, so he gave me the floor. I told them I had nothing to say. I was drunk, sleepy, and had nothing to say. They said I was using it as an excuse, but to give it time….

So, I was ready to go, as was Brett. Natalie wanted us to walk her to her car. George and Tony are asking for our numbers. They want to get together again. Natalie and Brett actually gave them to them. Tony wanted me to have his number in case I “needed anything”. I guess he wants to be my coming out coach. I was like, “Yeah, I’ll get it from those guys…” Like Hell I will!

We said our goodbyes, walked Natalie to her car, and I cussed the entire fucking way home…

So, to recap: I’m mad because I can’t win. Crushing on a lesbian…who thinks I’m gay….who pulls a Judas on me…in the meantime, I can’t even hook up with a straight girl in a fucking gay club! I can’t win. I’m “outed” in a fucking CTB-clone coffeeshop, by a bunch of guys I don’t even know, who’re clearly just trying to find a reason to talk to me. Whatever, I can forgive that nonsense, but the whole Natalie involvement kinda disturbed me. Oh yeah, did I mention that I can’t win?

Oh, and for the record, I’m NOT GAY!!!! Get it through your fucking heads. If this had happened at Nation or something, we could use the whole “You were on their turf, so you were asking for it” excuse. But SoHo is NEUTRAL territory.

20th Aug2004

Cirque Du Soleil: The Official Sponsor Of Nail Salons Everywhere

by Will

Why is it that everytime I go to get a manicure, there’s fucking Cirque Du Soleil playing on a TV in the background?!! I swear, this has happened to me at SEVERAL different salons . Is there some nail-enhancing property that I don’t know about? Does research show that manicures are more successful if gawdy Vegas shows are playing in the vicinity? I think it’s gotta be the latter, ’cause these places also have a penchant for “Riverdance”. Are Asian manicurists all secretly longing for the lives of Vegas showgirls? The world may never know…

And before I get backlash, YES, these are ALL Asian establishments….Which begs the question: Why is there any Asian monopoly of the manicure industry? Jenn’s gonna tear me a new asshole for that one, but it’s a legitimate question….

02nd Aug2004

Oh, Wonkette!

by Will

A year ago, I was SO not a political person. But now, with Wonkette, and “Meet The Press” as my favorite show, I can’t get enough of this shit! It’s like “The West Wing”, but real and more entertaining. That’s right, folks! I am Will West, reporting for duty!

So, here’s a funny little tidbit overheard at the DNC last week, courtesy of wonkette.com:

Op-ed columnist:  “Barack Obama is like the black Colin Powell.”

Journalist: “What?”

Op-ed columnist: “Oh — ha — I mean the Democratic Colin Powell”.

Journalist: “First one’s better.”

29th Jul2004

Seriously, Y’all – What’s With All The Lifeguarding?

by Will

My open letter to all White people ages 14-25:

Why is it that you ALL, at some point in your lives, have been lifeguards? I mean it. I defy you to find one White person in this demographic who has never been employed as a lifeguard. Is it something deemed at birth? Do you have a special affinity for aquatics? Is it like the White Selective Service? Are y’all drafted? It’s not a big deal, but it’s just something I’ve noticed over the years. Wondered if anyone could shed some light on this….

12th Jul2004

Not Gonna Make Sense In 5 Years, Especially Out Of Context…

by Will

Wow, big words. Perhaps if you’d calm down, and realize the rampant racism in YOUR OWN life, rather than every little injustice that DOESN’T affect you, perhaps you’d understand what I was saying. So many people wanna look good on a soapbox, not even wondering who their audience is. You wanna keep crusading, keep right on. But your credibility only takes a hit when your own affairs are being swept under the rug, potentially hurting those around you. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it. Oh yeah, I guess “fuck me”.

09th Jul2004

Sounds A Lot Better Than “iMesh”…

by Will

I think BET, or VIBE, or The Source should create a file-sharing program and call it “Soulsearch”. Watch someone steal this idea from me in the next few months….

28th Jun2004

Guess It’s Better Than Looking Like Aaron Spelling…

by Will

Am I the only one who noticed that The Wayans Bros, in “White Chicks”, look just like Tori Spelling?!!

26th Jun2004

They Were Hot on the Trail of the THABTO Gang…

by Will

So, yesterday, I’m on the bus, and the cutest little kids got on with their babysitter. There was a little Black boy, a little White girl, and a little Hispanic boy. And I thought to myself, “Wow, they’re just like the Ghostwriter team!”

I’ll bet THAT reference goes over a LOT of heads…

20th Jun2004

Mother’s Day Is Still On, Though

by Will

Happy Father’s Day, or as it’s more commonly known in the Black Community: “Sunday”…