09th Apr2008

Real World Awards and New York Housewives

by Will

“I don’t dress like a slut. I think I dress more like a slot machine.”

I can’t believe I’ve had the same Chris Brown song on repeat for the past 8 hrs (“Forever”, if you were wondering). I can’t help it; the beat is hot!

Anyway, let’s go for a TV post this time around:

-So, I’ve watched the Real World Awards Bash about 3 times now. It’s not that I wanted to; it’s just that it’s always on. It’s like Law & Order or something…Anyway, It was so weird to see the “Old Guard”(you know, the seasons where the show actually had a purpose), hanging out with the “No Class Heroes” (Vegas and beyond). Montana actually showed up! Poor thing, she’s the only one who had nothing better to do. If she’d had an dignity, she’d have sent in a video update like Judd, Pam, and all the other “grownups”. I also noticed that there was almost no Sistahs Representin’. Sure, Coral was there, as well as Karamo (yeah, I’m a jerk). Otherwise, no Melissa, no Irulan, no Kameelah (though, she did send in a video), no Nameless Black Chick from the forgotten London season. Speaking of RW:London, I’m pretty sure they would strike it completely from the record books if not for Jacinda Barrett. She’s the only bonafide “actor” the show has generated (no, The Miz doesn’t count), so everyone’s forced to acknowledge that season, mainly, because of her.

I think I’ve written about this before, but watching that special both touched and saddened me. Why? Pedro Zamora. In this day and age, I think a lot of us have forgotten the impact that he had. Sure, AIDS is pretty prevalent and “we all know somebody affected blah, blah, blah”, but he really broke new ground. And he did it until the very end. I remember the weekend Pedro died, as that was my introduction to The Real World. I didn’t start with the NY season like everyone else. I was in a hotel in Alabama, and I ended up watching the entire marathon, dedicated to his life and his passing. I didn’t get a new batch of “seven strangers” until Boston, but that San Fran season stuck with me. The reminder of Pedro’s accomplishments, however, shows what a mockery the show has become. Will this franchise ever generate another Pedro? Does anyone even stand for anything anymore on that show? They’ve lined up RW: Hollywood, where the deck is stacked to guarantee high entertainment value, as they’re all vain, beautiful people trying to be stars. Pretty much like every other season, only they’re being upfront about their ambitions this time around. That said, I feel like Mary-Ellis Bunim is turning over in her grave. The same way Star Trek got better after Roddenberry’s passing, I feel the opposite is true for the RW franchise. In their acceptance speeches, the cast members who were touched by the experience made sentiments that they could see the show lasting for 20 seasons more. While that might be true, I find myself asking: “Why?” I’d really like to think it’s going to get better, maybe mean something, but I think I might be wasting my optimism…

While we’re on MTV, let’s talk about Celebrity Nepotism…I mean Rock the Cradle. Interesting concept, but they really scraped the barrel for talent. Makes ya wonder who they’ll dig up next season L’il B Sure!? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, the exclamation point is part of his name. I’d much rather see if his father has another hit in him than to worry if his son can be just as mediocre. Jessie Money. Awesome “guns”, and she’s Eddie Money’s daughter. Singing, however, ain’t her thing. I also loved how Bobby Brown basically agreed with the judges when they weren’t on Landon Brown’s side. Way to be supportive, Bobby! If you really wanted to be constructive, you’d have convinced him not to do the show. The showstopper, of course, was Lucy Walsh, with her rendition of “Heart of the Matter”. Can I downlowd that somewhere? Awesome job! Everybody raved over Hammer’s daughter, but I’m not feeling her Jill Scott vibe. She brings nothing new to music, as she’s ever other black chick entering the scene these days. I’d only be into it if she pulled a “Natalie Cole” and tried to do “Can’t Touch This” with her dad. THAT would be hilarious! Lara Johnston? Come back when you’re older and have more confidence. Crosby Loggins? Ain’t feelin’ it. Jesse “Blaze” Snider? I think the ladies would dig him, but his style of rock is a little outdated. And that, finally brings me to Chloe Lattanzi. I think that she must be the best thing Olivia Newton-John has produced since Grease. No, it’s not the singing, either. When she sings, she sounds like some Romanian chick who’s struggling to learn English. What the Hell are some of those sounds coming from her mouth? What gets me about her, however, are those lips. Oh, Sweet Georgia Brown, those lips! What was Sandy thinking when she let whatever Third World doctor do that to her daughter? My feminine side wants to yell, “Aw, hell naw!”, while my male side is licking his lips, saying, “What up, boo?”

I hated the parent show, but I’m loving the spin-off: Real Housewives of NYC. Who cares about Orange County? That region is so played out, but NYC never dies, baby! I kinda fell into watching it, and I’m hooked.

First we’ve got Jill and her “Jewish girl from LI makes it big as high society girl” routine. I can’t really say anything bad about Jill. I really like her, and she’s probably the most grounded chick on the show. Sure, she loves her dog a little too much, her husband isn’t very affectionate, and she sent her 14 yr old daughter off to fat camp to cure some kind of early onset arthritis, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary, right? Jill’s cool in my book.

That brings us to LuAnn…I mean, The Countess de Lesseps. I.LOVE.THIS.WOMAN. She is absolutely beautiful. Former beauty queen from bumblefuck marries a count and now lives the good life. Her Spanish housekeeper raises the kids, while Luann paints the town red with her 20-yr old niece, trying to recapture some sense of lost youth. If you’re in the Hamptons area, keep an eye on cable access, as she hosts The Countess Report. I shit you not.

Then, we’ve got Ramona. My, my, my…that poor girl. Ramona is your typical “doesn’t act her age and wants to be the life of the party” woman. The other housewives don’t really seem to like her, but she must know a producer or something ’cause she’s still on the show. Seriously, they all hang out together without Ramona. She tried to get some friends early in the season, but she gave up, and the rest of them hang out, talking shit about her. Plus, Ramona’s got Man Issues. She’s married to a great guy, but she keeps harping on some advice her mom gave her, about how she should make her own money in case the marriage goes south. Good advice? Yes. The problem is that she’s saying it every time she’s on camera. She’s trying to instill that in her daughter, who’s all of 11, which is kind of fucked up. Also, you’ve got to wonder how the husband feels, as he does his best to support them from his jewelry business, and he’s got this militant wife running around, boasting about how she’ll be OK if their marriage doesn’t work out. Plus, Ramona’s a stage mom, as she’s trying to push her daughter into acting, which doesn’t seem to be the daughter’s desire.

Then, we come to Bethenny. She’s a nutritionist and famous chef, and her body is amazing. Her face, however, is a bit aged – you’d see her in a club from afar and think you hit the jackpot, but you get close and find something more akin to Skeletor’s sister. Beautiful hair, but sunken eyes. Bethenny’s not exactly a “housewife”, as she’s the single gal, but the clock is ticking. She’s trying to get her bf to “take it to the next level”, but he’s divorced with 3 kids. He’s pretty much done, while she’s trying to get started. I don’t see a happy ending here, folks. Did I mention how awesome her body is? Just checking.

Finally, that brings us to the symbiotic couple of Alex and Simon. How I loathe these two…They’re joined at the hip, so everything they do is together. She goes out for a “girls night”, and brings him along. My, how that didn’t go well! They’re also the most pretentious fuckers on television. They’re social parasites: they find people in high places, and they gravitate toward them, to increase their own status. Their children are Johan and Francois, and they’re raising them to speak English and French. Simon’s so “metro” he’s gay, while Alex seems like a really low-dollar tranny. Just look at the bone structure on that girl! They’re the most entertaining, though, as they’re still striving for status while hanging out with people who’ve already achieved it. The other girls are happy to lend a hand or a referral, but they can see how Alex and Simon are nervous and overcompensating. They can see how hungry they are for status and acceptance. They reek of want! And that, folks, is what makes this thing so entertaining. It’s a show about wealth and status most of us will never experience. When you’re worried about how you’re gonna feed your baby or get your car fixed, sometimes it’s nice to dwell in the problems of the rich. Oh, no! How are they going to get to the opera with all this traffic? How dare Alex invite Bethenny over with the floors so destroyed? How dare Bethenny introduce LuAnn to the limo driver as anything other than “Mrs de Lesseps”? Fortunate bastards. It’s really about Schadenfreude: I enjoy seeing anything that makes these people’s lives a bit more difficult. Call me a hater, but it’s what makes the world go ’round.

03rd Apr2008

Some Random Pop Analysis: NKOTB Comeback, OneRepublic, 90s Rock

by Will

“He loves you”

Yeah, that quote isn’t as proselytizing as you might think – it’ll make sense to my “comic people”. See? I haven’t totally given up talking about comics! Anyway, seeing as how only 1 person reading this even reads comics, let’s move on to music:

-So, the New Kids are getting back together. Who the fuck cares? This might come as a surprise to some, seeing as how I’m “Mr. Boyband”, but NKOTB sucked. Sure, I love all of Joey McIntyre’s albums, and I still love some “Give It To You” from Jordan Knight, but vocally the New Kids were a shitty group. Just like the Jonas Brothers. The songs are catchy, but not well-sung. I understand the hype and girls thought they were cute, but I am only looking forward to this if their music has matured. Knight and McIntyre have put out a handful of impressive albums over the last 10 years, and I’d like to see this reunion take that approach. Instead, though, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a bunch of 40 year old men, revisiting their “hits”, telling me I’ve got The Right Stuff. Anyway, we already have an old-ass group for that; they’re called The Backstreet Boys…

-Um, excuse me…Mr. Webbie? So, she “never smells like onion rings”? Oh, that is romantic as Hell. You, sir, are truly a poet! Gotta say, though, I think I’d prefer her smelling like onion rings rather than Parmesan cheese. Been there…

-A lot of shit can go down in a club. You can kiss. You can grind. Hell, you can fuck. But let’s get our semantics straight. You cannot, however, make love in the club. I don’t care if you suggest it through song; it ain’t happening. The chick who would agree to it is just gonna wanna fuck, plus the singing would weird her out. Meanwhile, the chick who’d appreciate the song is just gonna be offended that you want to do such a “special thing” in such a filthy environment. Nice try, though, Usher.

-Damn, Sara, I get it; you’re not gonna write me a love song. I got it during the first verse, but you just never know when to let shit go!

-You ever stopped and stared at someone? It freaks people the fuck out. I wonder how many fights that song has started. It’s the same way “Apologize” was run into the ground against dudes who didn’t even know they’d done anything wrong. Across the country, female Myspace profiles were ablaze with the song, while guys were left wondering, “What did I even do to your crazy ass?”. It was one of those revenge songs just begging for a reason to be put into action. That song was the musical equivalent of the red phone…

-Suffocation’s a big theme in pop right now. Sara Bareilles has her head underwater, as the breathing get’s harder. Jordin Sparks is trying to figure out how to breathe with no air. Is this a cry for help? Should Clive Davis be worried?

-If that song is the 4 minutes that we’ve got to save the world, then we’re already doomed. Plus, the radio version’s only about 3 minutes and 26 seconds, so there’s a trick timer on whatever doomsday device we’re up against. Thanks, Madge…

-I’ve fought loving early 90’s rock with a passion, but I’ve always secretly liked it. I mean, I was there. I like some Better Than Ezra. Was a fool for some Oasis. However, I’m just learning that DC 101 might be the best station on air right now. Oh, remembering the times when dances and book reports were your biggest problems. Listening to Green Day before they became all political. And don’t forget “Black Hole Sun”. That genre revolves around “Black Hole Sun”, and anyone who says otherwise is a damn liar!

-This is a bit older, but Mario Vasquez’s “Gallery” always rubbed me the wrong way. So, you’re basically telling her that her man has got a ton of girl’s who’re just as hot or hotter than she is, so she should leave him and come with you instead? Sure, you’re trying to empower her by telling her that she’s worth more than that, but it’s also a whiny, low blow. “C’mon, he’s got a ton of girls! Let me get a shot!” It’s the song equivalent of some dude’s last call attempt at getting a girl to go home with him. Newsflash: she’s still going home with the dude with the Gallery. But you and Usher can do some shots over your lack of success that night.

01st Apr2008

Wrestlemania, The Hills, and Mario Lopez

by Will

“The title sounds so promising until you open it up and Tobey Keith is playing chess with a child abductor.”

After a rousing night of Monday Night Television, several things popped into my head:

Doogie Howser ending on How I Met Your Mother! Just when I think that show can’t possibly get any better…

-Man, the night after Wrestlemania is Jobber City! Who are these people? Did I really just see a tag-team of thugs, named Cryme Tyme, go against a tag-team of rednecks?! Am I really not supposed to catch the subtext there?

-Must. Have.Cena.Nintendo.Throwback.T-shirt!

-Now, I’ve been watching WWE for years, and seeing commercials for Stacker-2 for just as long. If I’m not mistaken, there was even a Stacker-3. But was there ever just a plain, old Stacker?

-I never knew I loved Ric Flair until this weekend. Watching his retirement is like listening to Survivor’s “The Search is Over”. I grew up idolizing Ravishing Rick Rude. Yes, Rick Rude. Say what you will, but it was pimp as hell for him to win a match, go out to the audience, and grab a random woman to bring back into the ring with him. Sometimes, the chick was even there with her husband, but Rick didn’t care. He’d kiss her and she’d faint. Then, he’d do his Ravishing Dance over her passed out body. I can’t say wrestling taught me much about women. After that era, I found myself adoring The Undertaker. Whether he was the undead disciple of Paul Bearer, the American Badass, or all of the above, I was always anticipating The Last Ride. Recently, I’ve found an appreciation for the old school. Dusty Rhodes is probably the most charismatic man in pro wrestling. Screw The Rock; Dusty “wined and dined with kings and queens”. Despite all of that, none of them held a candle to Flair. He’s everything wrestling has been and everything it should be. He’s the last of the greats. You can have your Hulk Hogans and your Bret Harts. Flair was hardcore in an age where you didn’t have to be. He brought it time and again, and he introduced flamboyance to wrestling. I’m not even remotely a wrestler, but I know that my life will never be complete due to the fact that I will never get the chance to get in the ring with him. After all, to be The Man, you’ve to beat The Man. Whooo!

The Hills are alive with Heidi’s brand new boobies! Seriously, did they recast her this season? I knew she’d had some work done, but it’s almost like looking at a new person. Kinda like when Bewitched swtiched the Darrens, and thought nobody would notice.

-Speaking of looks, I’d blame it on jetlag, but LC is looking rough this season! I mean, “single-mother-working-a-double-shift-at-the-diner-while-wearing-cheap-foundation” rough. There were a couple of scenes where I even thought I saw a moustache trying to peek through. Maybe I made up that last part…

– I get what they were trying to do: “Let’s show how suave and sophisticated French men are”, but why the Hell did they track down Flock of Seagulls? I mean, did you see those dudes LC and Whitney were hanging out with? They just looked dirty. Too much of a skeazy vibe, and being French doesn’t make up for that.

-There were some cold-ass scenes on The Hills tonight. Sure, it was the old episode, but the part where Heidi gives a toasts to her parents, clearly omitting Spencer to his face, was harsh. Then again, I can’t remember the last time I saw a scene as uncomfortable as Spencer just ambushing her family in Colorado. I’ll give him points for balls and effort, but it got to a point where you just wanted him to leave.

-I’m convinced Real World Hollywood is going to suck. Why? Because they’re hyping it too much. The best RW drama is the kind that you don’t see coming. However, this is a milestone season, with a showy cast, and they expect big things. Yeah, well, they also expected big things from The Vegas Reunion, and that was a waste of time and film. It seems like Hollywood is trying to assume the mantle of the most-sex-havingest, debaucherous RW in history, but I just don’t see it happening.

-There are some people in this world who are simply untouchable, especially in terms of womanizing. No matter what they do, people continue to love them: Bill Clinton, Usher…Mario Lopez. I’m not sure if a lot of people know this about Mr. A.C. Slater, but the dude is supposedly a whore. I mean, this is the guy who cheated on The Doritos Girl (Ali Landry)! That might not mean anything right now, but travel back in time to 1998. People would’ve given their left nut to have the Doritos Girl (I have it on good authority that this was the case with Lance Armstrong). Mario cheated on her repeatedly, yet still convinced her to marry him. Then, he cheated on her at his bachelor party. And, rumor has it, and this is the most gangsta of all, he cheated during their honeymoon! Yet, everybody still loves Slater…

I leave you with this quandry: Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On”: most inspirational song of our generation, or thinly-veiled argument for women to stay in abusive/unfulfilling relationships?

26th Mar2008

Reality Rundown: Northern Palm Wrestling, High School Reunion, and Real Wedding Crashers

by Will

“My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing…”

So, lately I’ve noticed a lot of TV shows that just make no sense whatsoever. First up is Northern Palm Wrestling. It debuted on MTV last night, and it’s basically a sketch show by the comedy group Northern Palm Wrestling. According to their “origin story”, they started out as a group of guys who did a lot of backyard wrestling matches back in the day. Over time, that evolved into low-brow, un-P.C. sketch comedy. Now, I’m all about the un-P.C., but I can’t deal with the format of the show. Originally, they were picked up as web segments for MTV.com, but it debuted as an actual show after Human Giant last night. Sure, they were hoping to benefit from the Human Giant lead-in, but these guys are nowhere near that level. I think the main thing going against them is the fact that it really looks like some sort of cable access show. Maybe they’re going for low-quality, a la the “Sensual Seduction” video, but I just couldn’t deal. It was like watching something made by a bunch of high school kids. The uncool high school kids. I turned it off 5 minutes in, which is weird, considering I can usually watch anything.

That’s when I turned to the next show that makes absolutely no sense to me: The Real Wedding Crashers, on Style Network. If you’ve read this blog before, you know that I’m a sucker for a good wedding show, so I’m always on board for “I Do Tuesdays”. That said, they’ve recently replaced my fave, I Propose, with The Real Wedding Crashers. For those who haven’t seen it, it’s basically Punk’d: The Wedding Edition. My problem, though, is that it’s always at the request of the bride and groom. So, the basic premise is you’ve got a bride and groom who decide, “we want to make this wedding an event that nobody will forget.” That’s so sad. The fact that their wedded bliss, holy union, and $80-a-plate gathering won’t be memorable enough. Nope, they’ve got to recruit this team of comedians to come and “crash” the wedding by playing elaborate pranks.

First off, it’s clear they just use the name to capitalize on the hit movie, while having nothing to do with that remise. Reality show about guys crashing weddings to get chicks? I’m all about it! This show, however, doesn’t prove to be as exciting. I think it would be funnier if everyone was in on the joke except the bride and groom. I mean, imagine their emotional breakdown as they think their special day is falling down around them. That’d be as hilarious as the episode of Punk’d where Justin Timberlake started crying because he thought his stuff was being repossesed due to tax evasion. If you look at the J.T. timeline, that was the moment he reinvented himself, as he had to do something to come back from looking like a little bitch in front of his primary demographic. Nipplegate at the Super Bowl wasn’t long after that. His little way of saying, “Laugh at my tears now, bitches”. Anyway, I digress…I would also be pissed if it turned out the bride and groom had done this, even though they weren’t paying for the wedding. I mean, what a way to waste someone else’s money! You want a memorable ceremony? Here’s me, sticking you with the bill, ungrateful bitch of a daughter!

The trick of it is that they “crash” the entire timeline, from preparation to ceremony to reception. On last night’s episode, the wedding ceremony was interrupted by skydivers, who land on the golf course site of the wedding, mid-ceremony. Of course, it was the Crasher Team, and they played it off that they thought they were landing for a birthday party gig. It’s a big elaborate thing, though, as much of it is set up days before. One aspect that rubbed me the wrong way was the use of Crasher Cat. Clearly, the “hot chick” of the team, Cat’s mission was to get invited to the wedding so that she would be the “man on the inside”. Well, she arrives at the cake shop, just in time to see the groomsman accidentally destroy all of the cakes (including the one for the ceremony), which was all part of the crash. She starts flirting with him, and gets him to ask her to the wedding. Then, she shows up at the wedding, wearing a wedding dress, which appalls most of the guests, seeing as how she’s taking attention away from the true bride. Once the crash is revealed, everyone’s laughing and applauding, but you can see the disappointment on the groomsman’s face, as he thought he’d really scored a date with a hot chick. Ya got played, bitch! And all she could say to him was, “Did you have fun?” I felt as bad for him as I feel for some of the folks on Hell Date, as you know they were just doing the damn thing, looking for The One. In the meantime, someone thought it would be a good idea to prank ’em with a horrible date. Sure, they’re good sports in the end (usually), but you’ve just got to know that some part of them dies inside, the part that was hoping that the search was finally over, that this could be The One…

I’m totally over Flavor of Love, as my baby, Bunz, was shown the door last week. Making the Band‘s over, resulting in Danity Kane producing a KICK ASS CD, while leaving Day 26 to deliver a disc of 112/Jagged Edge leftovers. Here’s hoping Donnie’s album, when it finally comes out, kicks all their asses. I don’t really care who wins America’s Best Dance Crew now that Kaba Modern’s out. I feel like I jinxed them. Anyway, Status Quo does NOT deserve to still be in that competition. They’ve got a lot of heart, but they’ve been sloppy from day 1. If they were judged by that day’s performance instead of the week before, they’d be out. They always brought it when they were in trouble, but sucked when they were safe. Unless there’s some kind of rigged, cultural bias going on, expect JabbaWockeez to wipe the floor with them tomorrow night.

Another show that I just can’t seem to get into is High School Reunion. I have never seen TVLand hype a show as much as they hyped this thing. However, for a supposed “TVLand Original”, it’s not. You see, High School Reunion actually debuted during the middle of the WB’s existence, and it was controversial because it included a bunch of people who weren’t really in school together. Sure, they played it off as, “watch the shit hit the fan”, but a lof of the people simply went to the same school, but during different years, so there was no pre-existing drama to mine. It lasted about 2 seasons, and faded away, on ly to be reborn on basic cable, just like The Surreal Life (also a WB show). Anyway, the folks this season actually went to high school together, during the same year (class of ’87), and there’s the potential for the fur to fly. Well, not really. The problem is that they’re so…normal. They’re just normal people. Whoop-dee-doo.

Sure, the former “hottest girl in school” has been divorced 4 times. Big deal. The student body president who was destined to be a great success is fat and bitter at his former bully. Big deal. All of the stuff that should’ve been stretched out all season is resolved in one episode. Aforementioned pres confronts bully, bully says the standard, “I’m sorry, man. That was so long ago. I don’t remember you.” Pres is upset because bully clearly hasn’t been harboring as many feelings as he has. He thinks it over for a bit, and goes back to the house for a beer. I don’t know if it’s editing or what, but that resolution shouldn’t have come in a mere 5 minutes. We’re talking 20 yrs of bitterness, quenched by a convenience store trip and a poolside beer. If only international conflicts could be resolved so simply.

There’s also the lesbian who might want to be with a guy. Oooh! That would be hot if she weren’t on the doorstep of 40. Might as well throw in Melissa Ethridge while you’re at it. Plus, her Date Rapist Smile-Wearing potential suitor rubs me the wrong way. The most potential comes from the guy who’s betrayed by the best friend who slept with his ex-wife. And, of course, said former best friend is also in the house. As well as the ex-wife. Now, due to the semantics, I can’t tell if he slept with the chick after the divorce, or if their affair caused the divorce. “Victim” always refers to her as “my ex-wife”, evn when describing things in the past, so I’m at a loss. Sure, there’s a “bro’s before ho’s” deal, but I don’t think he has much to be crying about if they were already divorced. Anyway, bottom line is that the cast is too damn old. Nobody cares. The show would be much better if they went after the Class of ’97. Those 10 years would make a whole Hell of a lot of difference.

Anyway, this point got way longer than I’d planned. Especially considering it’s nothing but a post of dislikes. Come back next time, where I talk about stuff I do like on television right now. Or, maybe I’ll prove that I actually have a life, and tell you a story. We’ll see how I feel…

13th Mar2008

Eliot Spitzer, Breaker High, Danity Kane, and Sanford

by Will

“Damn you and your lemonade!”

-Oh, the Eliot Spitzer saga…the only part that I enjoyed is that the chick’s name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. That’s the name of the character I despised the most from Breaker High. Anybody remember Breaker High? It was a UPN weekday show that came on after Sweet Valley High. It followed the whole late-90s “Semester at Sea” craze, and was basically “Saved by the Bell on a boat.” It introduced America to Persia White (Girlfriends), Tyler Labine (Reaper and a bunch of canceled stuff), and Ryan Gosling (The Notebook, and crush to millions!). Anyway, Ashley Dupree was a Southern Belle, former beauty queen who was the bitch of the group. On most shows, this role is also known as “the hot chick”. For some reason, though, due to Breaker High‘s poor casting, you’re left to wonder, “Why does this chick think she’s the shit?” I mean, she was a fiesty redhead with a Southern accent, but that’s where the bus stopped. In all the pool scenes, she was the chick wearing the one-piece, and for good reason. She was played by Teri Conn, now Colombino, who’s made quite the name for herself on As The World Turns. Anyway, as for the escort, this is the best thing that could’ve happened to her. She’ll have a book deal by the last week of April.

-Two videos came out this week that leave me scratching my head. First up is “Damaged”, by Danity Kane. Now, I downloaded that album yesterday, and I’ve got to say it’s hot. If you liked their last album, you might not like this one. They’ve taken their sound in a whole new direction. If you liked Britney’s Blackout album (which I did), you’re going to LOVE Welcome to the Dollhouse. Anyway, the Damaged video. As I’ve said before, it’s a hot dance song, but it’s one corny-ass video. The dance moves are seriously stunted. They’re reminiscent of those videos Britney made back when everybody thought she’d had a boob job. Not “Baby One More Time” or even “Oops…”; I’m talking about “Sometimes”. These moves are just like that: where every movement is some elaborate arm motion, like they’re summoning the Megazord or something. Plus, I’m not really feeling Shannon’s look. Up to this point, we’re led to believe that Aubrey was the leader, but Shannon gets more screen-time in this video than she did in the entirety of this season of MTB. I guess they realized it’s hard to pass off “The Married One” as some sort of sex symbol. It’s the same reason all boybanders are told to say they’re single in interviews – it keeps hope alive for the fans. Anyway, Shannon’s got this Suzanne Somers of the Future thing going on, which is just kinda…off. I don’t know what spinning around on a space turntable has to do with a broken heart. Is that how they cure broken hearts in the future? It just doesn’t fit the theme of the song. And to cap it off, they’re dancing inside this dude’s heart? Isn’t that just exacerbating the damage? Like I said, some corny shit.

Then, we have Britney. Britney, Britney, Britney…I am seriously disappointed. She finally released the video for “Break the Ice”. If you’ve been following this blog, you’ll know that not only do I ADORE that song, but I also predicted it would be the next single. But what does she do? She makes the video some anime piece of crap, that doesn’t even mimic the theme of the song. It’s cookie-cutter anime, as some blonde chick (who doesn’t even resemble Britney) kicks a bunch of dudes in the head. It’s the same type of shit that makes YouTube so popular. You know, where some American otaku takes a Nickelback song and uses it to highlight the timeline of the relationship between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask. This video is just like that. Right now, there’s some kid in his mom’s basement, who’s splicing together a better video using this song and selected scenes from Death Note and Fullmetal Alchemist. And they had the audacity to end it with “To Be Continued”?! Britney, I know you’re a little stressed these days, what with the parental issues and your new gig on How I Met Your Mother, but please explain what blowing up a mobster’s skyscraper has to do with this song!

-Oh, man! BET added Sanford back to their schedule. You don’t know how happy that makes me. I’m a big fan of the obscure-failed-spin-off-of-the-successful-show formula. Just like with Three’s a Crowd, nobody remembers Sanford. Back in 1980, NBC was at the bottom of the ratings, so they got Redd Foxx to agree to reprise the role of Fred Sanford, from Sanford & Son. Well, rumor has it that, at some point, Demond Wilson had pulled a gun on producer Norman Lear, so he wasn’t invited to the spin-off. That left Sanford with no son, so he takes on Cal, a fat White, country White guy who had “worked with Lamont on the Alaskan pipeline”. Sidebar: I’ll admit that I don’t know much about the pipeline economy in the ’70s. I know they said Lamont went to work there, and I know that there’s good money in it, however, I don’t see some Black assistant junk dealer, from Watts, going to Alaska, with his fro and porn star moustache, working in the ice and snow. To me, that excuse was more of an insult that the way Family Matters just wrote out Jaimee Foxworth like she never even existed. OK, anyway, Sanford only lasted 2 seasons, with a total of 26 episodes. The first season follows Fred as he dates this rich widow. The interesting part is that he seems to feel really bad about it, like he’s guilty that he’s not honoring Elizabeth’s memory. I can understand this, but it contradicts the fact that he was engaged to Donna for a good chunk of Sanford & Son, and he didn’t seem to feel that union was an affront to Elizabeth. Anyway, the whole “Fred dating” angle got stale, so the second season saw good old Aunt Esther moving in, so she could find some reason to call Fred “an ol’ fish-eyed fool” every episode.

-Speaking of Jaimee Foxworth, why did no one tell me she was on Celebrity Rehab?! I totally would’ve been onboard had I known that. I skipped that show because I thought it was the barrel-scrapings from The Surreal Life. The Jaimee Foxworth Saga, however, is something in which I have a lot of interest. The Judy Winslow Paradox ranks up there with the disappearance of Chuck Cunningham in the annals of television history. It’s one of the great mysteries that is only just coming to life. Most child stars hit it big and don’t know how to handle themselves. She, on the other hand, hit bottom because she was kicked out of the limelight. I almost feel like no one close to the show talks about it because they feel somewhat responsible for her downfall. Either way, that bitch led a rough life. I’m glad she’s out of porn and getting help. It’s only a matter of time before her inevitable 700 Club visit.

-Can they just go ahead and crown Kaba Modern as America’s Best Dance Crew already? The music of Grease has never sounded as good as it did during that Master Mix!

-J Records really needs to soften up Leona Lewis’s image. Get her a new make-up person or something. Yes, I love her album. I’ve had the UK version since October, and I truly think this is only the beginning. A lot of people compare her to Mariah, but that’s not accurate, as she doesn’t have Mariah’s control yet. Emphasis on yet. That said, she’s got quite the jawline. If you’ve seen the video for “Bleeding Love”, you know what I mean. She gives off a bit of a tranny vibe. And not the most convincing tranny. Almost a To Wong Foo thing going on.

-I love Amy Winehouse, but I’m in love with Frank-era Amy Winehouse. Sure, she’s currently a crazy, drug-addled tabloid dream. That’s not what does it for me. I have the biggest crush on Soulful Jewess Amy. Sure, she had that snaggletooth, but so does Jewel, and we all love her. I just watched Amy’s True Hollywood Story, and it made me HATE her husband. It was all downhill once he entered the picture. Prior to that, she was curvy and oh, so sexy. Now, she uses her own face as an ashtray. Don’t do drugs, kids…

Human Giant and Free Radio are the funniest shows on TV these days.

-Drake Bell, of Nickelodeon’s Drake & Josh, is great casting for Superhero Movie, and it’s his biggest cinematic break. I just hope Josh Peck doesn’t end up like Kel Mitchell…

That’s it for now. I leave you with this question: who would you rather have show up at your door: Chris Hansen or Joey Greco? Trust me, folks. It’s not an easy answer….

03rd Mar2008

Jonas Bros, MTV Dating Shows, and College Road Trip

by Will

“That girl is nuttier than a Porta-Potty at a peanut festival.”

Yeah, I promised an answer to the whole “why did I expect to die last weekend?” cliffhanger, but I don’t really feel like writing about that. Don’t worry – like San Diego, I’ll get to it, but that’s not where my head is right now. After all, that was 2 weeks ago! Anyway, here is where my head is right now:

-It seems that every year, around this time, I write a post that’s supposed to be introspective. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I name names, or come off as bitter, it comes back to bite me. Anyway, these posts are merely me having a breakthrough. Regardless, I have a feeling this is going to be misconstrued as one of those posts: “Make Up Sex”? Really? That exists? Well, let me just inform you that, when your fights are based around the lack of sex, there’s no such thing as Make Up Sex. That’s got to be the one fight that’s not worth having. Or is it the only fight worth having? Think on that for a moment…

Now, on to the pop culture part of our game:

– I don’t like Craig Bierko. You might not know him by name, but you’ll know his face. I always rememeber him as the scumbag husband in Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. I just hate looking at him. It’s something about his face. I feel the same way about Kyle McLachlan and Gwyneth Paltrow; just seeing them throws me into a violent rage! Why was I thinking about Bierko? Well, I was watching Unhitched, on Fox, about 4 friends recently thrown back into the single game. On the plus side, it’s a “Fox show”. I’m sure I’ve written about this before, but I love a good “Fox show”. It’s the kind of show that panders to the lowest common denominator, and it’s usually characterized by the fact that it has no laugh-track. Fox was the network to really get onboard the single camera, no-studio-audience sitcom that’s everywhere these days. On the con side, it’s a “Fox show”. As much as I love the style of Fox remembering its roots, very rarely is the quality any good. Instead, there’s usually one really funny/controversial episode that gets enough attention for you to remember it years down the road as some kind of cult hit. Unhitched will be unhitched from Fox’s schedule within the next 6 weeks. Count on it.

-I was really into “When You Look Me in the Eyes”, by The Jonas Brothers, and I really couldn’t figure out why. Then, it hit me: for all of you lovers of crapy pop, the next time the song comes on, try singing the lyrics to Lonestar’s “I’m Already There”. Go ahead, I’ll wait…Hear what I mean? I hate to admit, but I was a Lonestar fan. They only had 2 hits that I cared about, but it was a pretty unmistakable melody. Plus, the whole “singing different lyrics over old melody” game can be fun. Next time you hear Celine Dion’s “That’s The Way It Is”, let her rip with the lyrics from BSB’s “I Want It That Way”. You’ll thank me in the morning!

-Janet, Janet, Janet…MTV, you know your “Artist of the Week” is too old for your demographic when she doesn’t even know the name of your shows. Janet, it’s Making the Band , NOT Making OF the Band. I would’ve let it go if you’d only said it once, but you say it about 7 times during one 30-second commercial. Read the cue cards, baby, read the cue cards…

-While on Making the Band, I’m loving Danity Kane’s “Damaged”. Last week, Diddy told ’em he was going to turn them into an international dance pop group, and this single is a good step in that direction. It’s got an interesting message, too: “Yeah, I’ve got a lot of baggage, which caused my heart some damage, so how’re you gonna fix it?” I love the idea that it’s the other person’s job to fix it. It’s like, “hey, if you want me, this is what you’re getting yourself into”. I’m a big fan of a “buyer beware” warning…

– Speaking of MTV, I kinda like Domenico, in that I think he’s a good guy. I think we all have that foreign-friend-with-questionable-social-skills. I know that everyone in Last Call is thinking of the same guy right now. That said, I’m really sick of the Viacom Dating Show Formula: the whole MTV/VH-1 deal where you get some washed up/pseudo celeb, put them in a mini mansion with roughly 30 members of the same/oppsite sex, and wittle down the list as you have them prove their love through foolish challenges and backstabbing.

I miss the old dating game formula, where you had a bunch of “normal people” (or as normal as you can find in southern California) use alcohol as an excuse for some hot tub centered, stress reduction sex. Seriously, I miss the old dating show archtypes: the weird, hippy new age chick; the wacky foreigner; the player; the busted, fake tits chick who’s a “model”. There were starving actors and actresses in LA who used to do nothing but make the dating show rounds. The timeline was shorter: you met, went to Bucca de Beppo or Medieval Times, and you got drunk; there was none of this 12-week nonsense. Plus, the stakes were lower back then: you just wanted sex. Who cared about another date? Nowadays, everyone’s looking for The One. On national television. Out of a pool of candidates comprised of strippers, former beauty queens, and/or biker chicks. Looking for a soulmate in a group of soulless people. The frontrunner is only making a scene so that she can wow the network execs into giving her a spin-off when everything’s said and done. And the cycle begins anew.

Back to Domenico, though. I liked the idea of him getting his own show, because I liked the dude. That said, I was over it when I watched the Preview Special, where all they did as show him in front of bluescreened stereotypical Italian scenes, like cafes and monuments.Ashley’s back?! For real? Were he and Domenico even that close during A Shot At Love? Plus, I get that Ashley came off as dumb, but I’m sick of his hillbilly minstrel act. I mean, it’s not as funny when the target isn’t exactly in on the joke. Watching the show is like a white Flavor of Love 3, as Domenico’s choices are just as busted as those that Flav’s got available to him this season. Although, I kinda liked Hunter, the au naturale chick they kicked off last night, except for those bags under her eyes…

-I’ve loved Usher’s “Make Love In This Club” since it leaked online two months back. That said, I don’t really like that it’s Usher. On the one hand, I guess I should applaud him for choosing a new style. I mean, Mariah hasn’t had an original sound since Fantasy (seriously, Touch My Body is new? It sounds like every single she’s put out over the past 10 yrs), so it’s good when an artist decides to branch out. It’s just that Usher’s been in the game long enough that I expect more from him. As far as the sound, this song is a Sean Kingston song. Rather, if you want it done right, it’s an Akon song. Just close your eyes and listen to it. That’s Akon, circa Spring 2007. I get the feeling that Usher’s grasping at straws, trying to regain his footing. After all, back in 2003, it was a heated battle between Usher and JT, as to who would be the Prince of R&B. Nobody was really taking Justin all that seriously yet, as he was still working on losing the ‘Nsync stigma. In the meantime, Usher did the a-holest/ballsiest thing by releasing Confessions. Justin had a song about how he was better than his ex, but Usher wrote a whole album about it! I’m not sure if a lot of people realize how heated the battle was; if JT and Usher were in the same club, it always ended up in a dance-off. Over the years, Usher had to deal with the drama of dropping his mom as his manager, his wedding, the backlash of Confessions, while Justin’s star simply rose. Now, you can’t swing a dead cat in music without hitting JT or Timbaland, while “Make Love In This Club” is the musical equivalent of that old man in the club, with the earring and the gold chain, thinking no one can smell the “Old Man Stench” on him. Go home, old man!

-Can I just say that I’m blown away by the concept of College Road Trip? No, it’s not the plot of the movie, but the mechanics behind the movie. First of all, did you ever, in a million years, think you’d see a Disney movie starring Martin Lawrence? Then, did you ever think you’d see a Disney movie starring Martin Lawrence and Donnie Osmond? Then, if you’re still with me, did you ever think you would see a Disney movie, starring Martin Lawrence, Donnie Osmond, AND had a G Rating?! Seriously, this is a big deal. The G Rating, alone, is a kicker. Think of this: the way the MPAA works, simply by virtue of having live actors, you typically get a PG rating. If you ever have some free time on your hands, try to research the number of live action, G-rated movies. The majority of G-rated movies are animated features. Hell, in recent years, even the Disney animated blockbusters, like The Incredibles, have been rated PG. So, in order to have a live action, G-rated movie, Martin can’t even say “Damn, Gina!”. He might not even be able to say “heck”. I might see this movie just to marvel at how they pull it off.

– There was an episode of Clean House on last night, and Niecy wasn’t on it. Now, I’m used to that set-up, as she doesn’t waste her time with the Clean House aftershow, Clean House Comes Clean, so I know that sometimes Brunetz, Trish, and Matt get together. What killed me, though, was the fact they they never acknowledged her absence. Sure, she might’ve been sick or on vacation. Hell, it might have been when she was recording her lines for Horton Hears A Who. I just get worried when I see that kind of stuff because it makes me think there might be a contract dispute going on. I mean, if you’ve ever watched anything on TLC or Style, you know that they have no problem recasting a show’s host, with nary an announcement or second thought. Where’s Thom’s sidekick on Dress My Nest? Where’s the original guy from What Not To Wear? Plus, there’s the notorious example of Blair from Queer Eye, being replaced by Jay between the pilot and the regular episodes. That said, Clean House has no flair without Niecy. If they ever try to oust her, a la Paige from Trading Spaces, she only needs to show them last night’s episode to prove how valuable she is to the show.

Anyway, I might be on a daily schedule this week. I’ve got a lot to say, and this was only the tip of the iceberg…

13th Feb2008

Making The Band 4, Aubrey O’Day, Smackdown, and Paige’s Return to Trading Spaces

by Will

“All I need is the air I breathe, and a place to rest my head.”

Yay, the strike’s over! And I’m sorry to admit that I’ve already forgotten about this TV season. I can’t tell you what’s still on or what got cancelled. All I watch are One Tree Hill and reality shows right now. There were a lot of shitty shows that probably would have been cancelled, had it not been for the strike. So, networks either let them run their course, or snatched them along with everything else. Never did see that Cavemen show. Or Carpoolers. Or Bionic Woman. I’m pretty sure those won’t be coming back. That said, I’ve still got a lot of random stuff on my mind regarding TV. Either try to follow along, or just sit in that dark corner and nod and smile.

– Is it just me, or is Diddy WAY overcompensating this season on Making the Band? Is he trying to respond to the “down low” rumors that have persisted about him over the past few years? It’s like he wants us to think he’s hard and gangsta when we know better. Every other word he says has to be bleeped out; he’s limping in on a can, like he was shot or something. It’s like he’s trying to go back to his “Puff Daddy” persona, back before Biggie died, when he actually had street cred. Back then, he didn’t suffer from “bitchassness”. Plus, people forget, this is the same dude who dated J.Lo and was implicated in a shooting. It’s funny how an MTV show can just make people forget about all that. Who, exactly, is the real Sean Combs?

-Speaking of Making the Band 4, Aubrey O’Day. Mmm….I love her and loathe her at the same time. She’s got those crazy eyes, where you just know she’ll go Fatal Attraction all over you. Poor little solo artist Donnie. He just doesn’t realize how badly she’s going to ruin his life. She has her sites set on him and is going to eat him alive. There’s something about that kind of woman: you know you shouldn’t go near her, but you’d be a fool not to. I swear, though, if she mentions their “platinum album” one more time, I’m going to track her down and punch her in the face. We get it! Y’all had a successful album. It’s a testament, though, that I can’t even name a single Danity Kane song, so clearly they weren’t THAT famous! It’s a common fact that the debut album of any group formed on a reality show usually sells well. It’s that the viewers want to listen to the album that they watched being created. That said, it’s the sophomore album that tanks. That’s why most of O-Town is currently working in car washes scattered across the Orlando region. It would be a crying shame if The Band creates an album that wipes the floor with Danity Kane.

-While I’m on the subject of The Band, Diddy really needs to rename them. Maybe something like 113? Modeci? Thugz to Men? I mean, we know what Diddy’s trying to do, but the problem is that he’s focused too much on image than sound. I look at these boys, and I don’t buy that they’re as hard as Bad Boy would like me to believe. They can have all the neck tattoos and cornrows in the world, and they’re still gonna look like junior deacons at a costume party. These boys look like they just came from prayer meeting! Did y’all see how Q caught the Holy Ghost when they went to church?! First off, that was probably the funniest scenario I’ve ever seen on reality television, but he almost blew his cover when he started testifyin’ in the aisles! Anyway, I’m gonna need a display of their street cred before we go any further. Forget the traditional “I want you to walk to Brooklyn and get me a cheesecake”. This season, Diddy should say something like, “I want one of y’all to get a Danity Kane chick pregnant (bonus points if it’s the married one!), while the rest of y’all go rob Irv Gotti’s house.” You know, something with some flair!

-Anna and I were watching The Salt & Pepa Show last night, and we were trying to figure out how staged it actually is. I mean, it’s too much like a sitcom, in that crazy Pepa comes up with some hairbrained scheme, while “level-headed” Salt talks her down. In the end, however, Salt comes to learn a valuable lesson, as Pepa’s scheme turns out to not be so crazy after all. And they hug. It’s like a black Full House. It’s scary, though, how much Pepa is looking like a drag queen these days. She’ll make these facial expressions that’ll just turn your stomach. You’ve got to feel sorry for Pep, too, as she’s like a kid who never grew up. She just wants shit to be like it was in the old days, back when they were touring with Kid ‘N Play. Meanwhile, Salt has to “mom” everything and she’s just a spoilsport. I will say that it seems like Salt was smarter with her money. She’s got a nice house and investments, and has moved on, while Pep looks like she’s a receptionist at a hair salon. A ghetto hair salon. One of those cash-only places, with a fried fish carryout joint next door.

Flavor of Love 3…what can I say that hasn’t already been said? To be honest, I’ve never watched an entire season of FoL. I just can’t do it. If I want to see that much ghetto, I’ll just go down to Wheaton Plaza. That said, it’s funny to have a season where even Flav isn’t impressed. I’ve got to admit, Shorty did have a Hell of an underbite. He has some busted women in that house this time around, most of whom were chosen on the internet. Way to go America! You can kill a convict, but you can’t be trusted to find a wife for one. Uncle Sam is in Heaven crying with that Indian who’s always crying about litterbugs. And I’ve seen a lot of Flav, from The Surreal Life to present, but I’ve never seen him make as big a deal over touching his face as he’s doing this season. Did he get some work done? Did he have some sort face trauma in jail all those years ago? Anyway, I’m hoping he either chooses Hotlanta or Bunz. Otherwise, he’s just left with those twins. You know, it’s a terrible situation where you see an ugly set of twins, and you’re just left wondering, “What was God thinking? Why 2? I mean, were there parts left over after He made the first one or something?”

-Good money says we won’t even know who Flo-Rida is in 5 years. He’s gonna go to the one-hit wonder old folks home, along with Eamonn and Kevin Lyttle. Sometimes, though, the Phoenix does rise from the ashes. It’s good to see that 12 years after her debut, Robyn is finally getting her due. “Do you know what it takes to love me”? Well, apparently, 12 years. But she’s got a hot club tour right now, plus she’s on the “Sexual Eruption” remix, so that’s a start.

-I just realized the opening piano vamp from Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5” would make a pretty decent hip-hop sample. Think of it along the lines of how Destiny’s Child used Stevie Nicks’s “Edge of Seventeen” vamp. I think I might be on to something here…

-I still can’t believe that The CW isn’t renewing Smackdown next season. I mean, no, it doesn’t mesh with their new female-friendly programming initiative, but to just throw out an audience that size is almost unheard of. King Kong once told me that Smackdown is the highest-rated English-speaking show in Spanish households. Before you laugh, just think about that for a minute. That’s a powerful demographic that’s only going to get stronger. Plus, where’s it gonna go? People are saying USA will probably pick it up, which is going to leave basic TV without wrestling once again. It’s gonna be like the “Raw is War” era when there was Raw and Nitro, but nothing Saturday mornings on your local sydicated station. I guess everyone really does have cable now…

-I don’t feel so great about Paige being back on Trading Spaces. Don’t get me wrong; I LOVE her and I’d probably drink her bath water. That said, it’s too little, too late. Discovery/TLC made a BAD move firing her all those years ago, but you just can’t pretend the past few seasons didn’t happen. There are too many gimmicks this season: “we’re going to take a divorced couple and have them trade spaces so that the depressed former husband can finally accept that his wife has moved on”. Ouch! It feels so…uncomfortable. Paige has said that it was neither her idea to leave the show, nor was it her idea to come back. She’s been a good sport, plus she probably needs work, but watching it just affirms that you truly can’t go home again.

-OK, I used to have this thing for Kat Von D of LAInk. I mean, she seemed badass and she was a master tattoo artist. Suddenly, though, I’ve found that her fashion sense is just too far gone for my taste. She used to wear low-rise jeans and a vest or halter top; nothing really flashy, but is was still sey. Now, she’ll wear an old ratty t-shirt and some clown pants. It’s like she just doesn’t care about her appearance anymore since she started dating Roy Orbison’s son, “Orbie”. It’s not like she was ever the belle of the ball, but she had style. Now, she just looks dirty and homeless half the time. I’m starting to feel the same way about her that I feel about the Ace of Cakes/Charm City Cakes crew: I don’t want her touching my skin any more than I want them touching my food. Her assistant, Pixie, is adorable. Anyone who gets a piercing to have permanent dimples is awesome in my book. My fear is how that shit’s gonna look in 25 years. Then again, those people never grow old. They just fade away…in a freak concert stampede/motorcycle accident/dinosaur attack.

Well, that about does it for now. Interesting weekend coming up. If I live through it, it’ll surprise me. No, that’s not a cry for help. It is, however, bait for you to come back next week. If I survive…

30th Jan2008

My Chat With William Katt and Star Trek Musings

by Will

“Live every week like it’s Shark Week!”

OK, I’m working on a LONG post right now, so this is gonna be a shorter one.

-So, a childhood dream of mine kind of came true today: I got a phone call from The Greatest American Hero! You know, “Believe it or not, I’m walking on air…”. Yeah. William Katt, star of the 80’s hit. He’s working on a top secret project, but he’d been in touch with one of my teammates at work.

I know I’ve written about this before, but that was probably the only show we watched as a family before my dad died. So, I’ve got memories. Anyway, my teammate told William about me and my fanboyness, so he actually gave me a call. I feel so bad because I was having a bad day and totally answered the phone like an a-hole. When he identified himself, I couldn’t believe it. The dude was awesome. I went all fanboy-stupid and couldn’t really tell you all the stuff that fell out of my mouth. I remember telling him that I was Pippin in high school and that I based my interpretation on video of his Broadway run as the character. Anyway, he was such a nice and gracious guy, and he even gave me his cell. Told me to let him know if I ever needed anything and that he’d be swinging through town on the promo circuit and he’d loved to meet with me. I was floored! One down, only Hasselhoff, Adam West, Stan Lee, John Schneider, and Tom Wopat to go!

-Everyone likes to think of Star Trek‘s Uhura as some kind of pioneer in breaking television’s color barrier. In a way, that’s true. On the other hand, she really wasn’t that important of a character. Sure, they call her the ship’s “communications officer”, but she was really just an operator. She worked the switchboards. So, if anything, Uhura started a longstanding tradition of Black women working at the phone company. Next time your bill payment isn’t registered, or you have to log a service complaint, thank Uhura for your fifteen-minute wait time. In the meantime, enjoy that Muzak!

-Speaking of Star Trek, the trailer for the new movie has got me having a Trekkie relapse. I’ve kept it buried inside since the end of DS9, but I’m feelin’ a resurgence. Sadly, I even find myself liking Enterprise. ENTERPRISE! The Scott Bakula thing that wouldn’t even acknowledge it was a Star Trek show until its third season! Anyway, like the critics used to say, it really is a much sexier show than any of the other spin-offs. Plus, I like when my Starfleet officers curse. You’d never hear Jean-Luc or Will Riker yell, “Well, son of a bitch!” You’ll hear that on Jonathan Archer’s ship. Plus, every woman in the Mirror Universe wears a halter top. It’s the little things in life…

-I have a crazy crush on Jane Krakowski right now. As if Tina Fey and her sexy/geeky/cool didn’t make 30 Rock hard enough to watch, seeing Jane as the aloof, self-absorbed starlet takes the cake. Plus, I have to give her credit for only getting more beautiful with age. Anyone who remembers her from Ally McBeal knows she was “the thick one”. There was Calista Flockhart: the skinny one; Courtney Thorne-Smith: the one that every viewer related to, and Jane: the thick, not as pretty as the other two, one. But at 39, she looks amazing these days. For further proof, watch the 30 Rock eps that either feature her Maxim shoot or her “Muffin Top” music video.

-Speaking of music, Jordin Sparks’s “Tattoo” is a horrible debut single. I mean, it’s catchy. I’ll give it that. Just like Chris Brown’s “With You”, it’s a pretty weak song, with weak lyrics, and a basic sound structure. That said, they’re both catchy as Hell. Regardless, it’s not the debut single of an American Idol.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but Idol debuts tend to be pretty…meta. In other words, the songs are basically the winner singing about how awesome it is to win AI. “A Moment Like This”? Kelly lived a lifetime to win AI. Ruben’s “Flying Without Wings” doesn’t count because it was a song written for Westlife and just reused (Simon was one of Westlife’s managers). Nobody remembers Fantasia’s “I Believe”, which is sad considering AI alum Tamyra Gray wrote it. Carrie Underwood stole the country crowd with “Inside Your Heaven”, which doubles as a love song, but also affirms that she wants to be in the hearts and minds of her fans. “Do I Make You Proud?” Well, Taylor was hoping he did. And then his label dropped him. Technically, “This is My Now” is Jordin’s debut, which follows the Idol formula, but it never stuck. Now, we’ve got this song that sounds like it was written for JoJo or something. Plus, if it truly is following the this-song-is-about Idol formula, she’s basically saying that the experience is something she’s never gonna be able to shake. It’s grafted onto her for-fucking-ever. Unless she has painful surgery. That’s pretty ominous if ya ask me…The longer this show lasts, the more I’m convinced that the well is running dry.

In fact, I’m starting to feel like those old people who think today’s music is crap. I mean, who thought Keyshia Cole had talent?! Sure, I get the whole she’s-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks angle, but damn! She’s a studio artist , at best, as all the live stuff I’ve seen makes her sound like an epileptic rooster.

-If I see another Arthur Suydam zombie cover on a comic, I’m going to track him down and shoot him in the face. This is a gimmick that has gone on about 2 years too long.

-In closing, apparently, I’m an idiot. I hardly ever comment on the stuff in my comments section as it seems that people find my site 3 months after a post, and comment on something ancient. That said, somebody decided to anonymously point out my idiocy, mainly, because I have class. If you remember my last Whose Wedding post, I pretty much crapped all over a planner named Linyette. Well, my view stands. She’s tacky as hell. I don’t want my party favors to be spray-painted shit from the Dollar Store. Like the commentor said, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, and that’s mine. Thanks for stopping by, though.

21st Jan2008

Dr. 90210, Katie Holmes on BET, Natasha Bedingfield, and Kate Hudson

by Will

“Hey, did you guys see that fight outside?!”

I just had the kind of weekend that I just know I’m going to look back on and regret. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I just feel kind of…off about a lot of stuff. I know I’m being cryptic, but it’s really not that deep; I’m just the type of guy who tends to regret shit. As my friend Jenna would say, I’ve got to learn to let it go. Anyway, on to the randomness.

– I swear that Dr. Rey, from Dr. 90210 is the creepiest, sketchiest son of a bitch on television. Find me a creepier dude; I dare you. From his weird-ass gangster suits to the skeezy way that he speaks to his women patients, that guy does not put me at ease. And don’t get me started on all his martial arts bullshit. Out of nowhere, he’ll just pull out a pair of nunchucks and go at it. With the exception of Michelangelo & Panthro, nobody cool has ever wielded nunchucks. They’re that weapon that sounds cool in theory, but ends up looking stupid in practice. Then, there’s his home life, which just seems so fake. It’s like he’s actually gay, but they went out and cast an actress to be his wife, who is obviously uncomfortable in the role. Any scene with him and his wife is always so scripted and dramatic. The other day, he had to go to his birth home to Argentina (?), where he was determined to get his deathbed-ridden father to admit that he loved him. Meanwhile, Mrs. Rey (who looks as much like Skeletor as Finola Hughes), is bawling because she fears she’ll never see Dr. Rey again. Sweety, he’s just going on a trip. Stop your crying. Plus, I thought this show was about plastic surgery. Enough with the family drama and bring on the boobies!

– I’m about to declare the single of 2008. Yes, I know it’s early in the year, plus it’s not even an official single yet. That said, Jive would be foolish not to release it. What is it? “Break the Ice” on Britney’s Blackout album. It’s the hottest song on an entirely hot album. It’s impossible to not dance when that song comes on. It truly is the hotness. Yes, it has driven me to use the term “the hotness”. That song is so tight that I’ve actually choreographed a dance for it. I’m not talking about some little bullshit dance, either. This is a Fatima Robinson-level dance, and you better believe it won’t involve folding chairs!

– You know, Natasha Bedingfield looks great for a 37 year old. Wait…she’s actually 26? Oh

I mean, seriously, did ya see the heinous top she’s got on in her latest video? It just screams “Cougar Wear”. Get her out of Dress Barn, stat!

My deal with Natasha is that she still doesn’t seem to know what the Hell she’s doing. Her debut album was one of the most meta experiences in musical history, as she wrote an entire album pretty much describing how difficult it is to write an album. Have you ever listened to the words to “These Words”? It’s about how she couldn’t figure out what to write, so she’s just gonna sing about how hardthe process is. Really? Does that count? Is she just going for partial credit? Anyway, she’s got her new album that drops on Tuesday, and her big single, “Love Like This” features Sean Kingston. Really? Who’s bright idea was that? That’s the worst, most missmatched combo since the So So Def remix video to Jessica Simpson’s “Irresistible”, where Bow Wow’s scenes are just spliced in later, as it’s clear Jessica would never be in the same room with him. Also, Natasha’s song has no real tune. She’s just kinda screeching at notes, hoping that some of them stick. It’s like they want to present her as a singer with a 5-octave range, yet she’s not really exhibiting any control. Her manager needs to figure out what her gimmick is gonna be. What is it about Natasha Bedingfield that people should care about? What is there to kep her from becoming tomorrow’s Natalie Imbruglia or Robyn? That shit right thur is gonna be the million dollar question.

– Oh, thank all that is holy for the miracle of TLC’s Smash Lab. A show dedicated to blowing shit up and wrecking shit. You know, for science. For every Real Housewives of Orange County and Intervention that we have to put up with, every now and then someone presents us with shows we really want to watch, like this one.

– Speaking of smashing shit, Burnout is the best/worst therapy for social deviants. In fact, I’m starting to believe that video games really can corrupt today’s youth. I mean, I was never a gamer. Yet, I picked up Burnout 2, and found that I had an affinity for causing NASTY multicar collisions on the highway. Not only did Burnout allow it – it encouraged it. So, I found myself begin rewarded for causing property damage and killing as many school bus children as possible. And I couldn’t stop. I spent 8 hrs devising the sickest, gnarliest, audacious car collisions possible. And you know what? I’d do it again. I’m THAT sick. Thanks a lot, Burnout

– So, Katie Holmes was making the talk show rounds last week to promote her new movie, Mad Money. Best Week Ever made fun of the fact that she didn’t really have anything to say. She’d drop little worthless anecdotes about Suri which, as BWE put it, it sounded like she was describing a child that she had just met. “Oh, she’s got a good temperament.” What I felt needed discussing, however, was her surprise appearance on BET’s 106 & Park. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. For the uninformed, 106 & Park is BET’s version of TRL, only people actually watch 106 & Park. So, Katie comes on to present her costar, Queen Latifah, with the Golden Globe she’d won a few nights earlier (ya know, since the strike pretty much killed the Globes ceremony). I have never heard of a more inappropriate person to be in the BET studio. Let me explain: half them folks ain’t never seen Dawson’s Creek. Nor have they seen Go. And she was the most throwaway part of Batman Begins. So, I’d just love to know how it felt to be in the middle of the collective “who the fuck does this bitch think she is?” mentality that must’ve been running rampant in the studio audience.

– This is going to be controversial, but I feel I have to go here. I’ve a theory on what must be the best part about being a gay male: the clothes. Allow me to explain. There’s some shit out there that a straight gay just isn’t allowed to wear. For example, I was at Busboys and Poets tonight, and there was a grown man wearing a vintage boy scout uniform, complete with bandana neck kerchief. That shit is bold. Now, I’m not saying I’d want to wear it, but I’d like to be able to should I so feel the desire. For a straight guy, you wear that, and people start to talk. “Oh, Will must be gay.” Or “What the hell was he thinking?” However, if I were gay, people would see me in that shit and just say, “Oh well, he’s gay, so…” It’s like a free pass. If I were a gay man, I could wear a picnic tablecloth as a cape, Adidas sweatbands on my ankles, along with a belt made of McDonalds ketchup packets, and they’d be copying that shit on Project Runway. You could be a gay guy with no fashion sense, and no one would know because stereotypes support that all gay men are fashion pioneers. That’s some bullshit and it needs to stop. Some of us straight guys wanna be fashionably daring, too. It just ain’t fair! Yes, I realize there are a ton of cons that are heavier than my shallow pro. I have a friend who said she wished she was Black just so that she would be able to get away with wearing bright colors. Yeah, I realize my argument is just as fucked up as her statement right there. Sure, it’s more about confidence than sexual orientation, but I just wish we didn’t have these hang-ups. Maybe I’m just looking for excuses. Look for my new line, Bromosexual, in Fall 2008.

– Am I the only one who finds it funny that Kate Hudson only gets the roles that would have gone to Goldie Hawn 20 yrs ago? What’s weird about that, you say? Well, it’s weird considering Kate’s Goldie’s daughter. I mean, has this ever happened before in Hollywood? Kiefer Sutherland sure as hell doesn’t play the same roles as Donald Sutherland. Charlie Sheen sure ain’t taking those Martin Sheen roles. It’s odd that Kate and Goldie are so interchangeable. Watch the trailer for Fool’s Gold. You swap out Matthew McConaughey with Kurt Russell and you’ve got Overboard. Think about that for a bit.

Anyway, Happy MLK Day to y’all with good, government jobs. While you’re drinking your lattes and catching up on your Tivo, I’ll be busting my ass making sure no comics get lost shipping from Korea. I have a dream, as well. I see Black children and White children holding hands, as the White children introduce their new Black friends to the magical world of comic books. And the Black children will fall in love with the medium and begin to buy comics for themselves. And enough comics will eventually be bought by these Black children that the industry will have to acknowledge this audience exists, and will have to shut down on MLK day for fear of backlash. Thank God Almighty, for fear of backlash…

16th Jan2008

Spider-Man: One More Day, One Tree Hill, and Patrick Warburton

by Will

“Crackheads’ll wobble, but they won’t fall down.”

Watching Katt Williams, while reading an article on the dynamics of the Clinton-Gore relationship during the 2000 elections. That, folks, is a great example of how complex and screwed up I am…Anyway, it’s been some time since I’ve posted, so I figured I was overdue. Here’s just a random sampling of things on my mind at the moment. You know the drill:

-So, Spider-Man’s got no wife now. Huh. Not quite sure how to take that. For those of you who don’t read comics, but only know the Spidey story via the movies, here’s a recap: in the comic, Spider-Man and MJ have been married since the 80’s (it’s only been about 5 years in their timeline). She knew he was Spider-Man, and he had the benefit of having a hot-ass, supermodel/actress wife. I always hated that.

Spider-Man is the everyman hero. People like the character because they see themselves in him. He’s the underdog. He just can’t catch a break. He struggles with his bills, he wrestles with the guilt surrounding the deaths of loved ones, and he really just wants to find “the big happy”, to borrow from another source. Despite all this, he had a hot-ass supermodel/actress for a wife. You know what that means? No matter how bad of a day he had, he would always get to come home…to supermodel sex. I (and probably you, if you’re reading this) will never experience supermodel sex, but I figure it ranks somewhere between winning the lottery and getting an extra McNugget in your 6-piece. I can’t feel sorry for that guy. Yeah, your uncle died and your old girlfriend was thrown off a bridge. So what? You’ve got supermodel sex. It’s a cure-all, kinda like Vick’s Vaporub (there’s NOTHING that can’t be cured by Vick’s!).

Anyway, they went through the usual comic/soap opera stuff: they got married, she got kidnapped, he found her, she got pregnant, baby was kidnapped, baby was forgotten about like Judy on Family Matters, MJ got on plane, plane blew up, Peter grieved and moved on, turns out death was faked, they reconcile, they separate, they reconcile, his aunt gets shot, he sacrifices marriage to save geriatric aunt, marriage never happened. Rinse and repeat.

Yeah, due to the fact that they ran out of ideas, the great comic people had Spidey reveal his identity as Peter Parker to the world (long story!). This, of course, paints a target on him and his family. Crime boss puts a hit on Spidey, and thug ends up shooting his Aunt May instead. Peter, then, MAKES A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL. Yes, THE Devil, who brings his aunt back to life but at the cost of the pure, rare love that Peter and MJ share. Huh? That’s just as stupid as some fat sea witch stealing my voice and keeping it in a clam. Apparently, the guilt over having his old ass aunt getting caught in the crossfire just ruined the idea of supermodel sex for him. That poor bastard. So, even though she’s 80 and probably gonna die soon anyway, Peter takes THE DEVIL (!) up on his offer and brings his aunt back to life. Yeah, nothing bad could result from this. This, in effect, resets the world so that the marriage never happened. Ever. I can’t even get into everything that’s wrong with this idea…And I’m finding that I actually miss MJ. Instead of being “just that hot chick”, she grounded Peter and let him know that the little guy can win every now and then. Plus, there was the sex. And he had to go and throw it all away!

-I finally saw Transformers. Yeah, I’m sure a lot of you figured that I would be in line on opening day, but I’ve actually never been much of a Transfan. The lore is just too confusing, and the concept just seems kind of boring after a bit. Just as G.I.Joe will never beat Cobra, the Autobots will never beat the Decepticons. The ongoing battle between good and evil. And that gets boring. On top of that, the company with the TF comic license is one of my biggest accounts. Over the summer, I had Transformers coming out of the ass, as I had to coordinate things with the movie release. By the time the movie actually came out, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and watch it. Anyway, I really liked that movie, especially more than I thought I would. Megan Fox is gorgeous (“David Silver” is a lucky, lucky man!) and Shia was a good leading…kid. All in all, it was a really good movie. Not a great movie, but a really good one.

-I also saw Juno, which is one of my favorite movies of the past 5 years. It was excellent. It had that Ghost World sensibility without all of the aloofness. Juno would be the perfect girlfriend (you know, without the whole “accidental pregnancy” angle). I can only hope that my wife yells, “Thundercats are GO!” when her water breaks…

-The best part of Scott Baio is 46…and Pregnant is the music. I mean, last season, he was kind of a jerk, but you got where he was coming from: he was afraid of commitment. This season, however, he’s just a dick. The entire time, though, the soundtrack is blasting the songs you danced to at your 1987 prom. I swear it’s like playing GTA: Vice City…Anyway, I think the music is to remind us that Scott hasn’t really done anything in the past 20 yrs.

-I’m convinced that Patrick Warburton is the Cree Summer of the 21st century! I mean, is there an animated show where he doesn’t voice a character?! Sure, his legacy is probably going to be Puddy, but if you just IMDB the guy, you’ll realize he’s ev-er-y-where.

-Speaking of TV, I’ve got a problem with MTV’s Made. I’m sure I’ve probably written about this before, but it’s killing me how everyone, at the end, is successfully…Made. I know that’s terrible, and I should be rooting for them, but some of this shit is just out of left field. You get a weird, social outcast who does nothing but talk shit about all the popular kids in school. What does she want to be? Homecoming queen! So, not only do you have to give her a makeover and hope it sticks, but you’ve also got to convince the entire school to like her, despite her past transgressions. Do you know how evil teenagers are? Do you really think this will work? But it does! How much did MTV pay those classmates? Or, take the overweight, sporty-spice tomboy. What does she want to be made into? A model. WTF?! So, they get as close as they can. They decide to make her a plus-size model. They give her a fashion coach and send her to fashion week in NYC. And in the end, she makes it. I want to see a week of Almost Made, where the kid either fails or gives up. I need some balance to this fantasy.

-Thank Yahweh that One Tree Hill is back! Let me explain my history with this show. While everyone was jumping on The OC‘s bandwagon, I hitched my wagon to the little- show-that-could on The WB. It was a trite story, a modern day Cain & Abel story, set on a basketball court. Trust me, that’s deeper than they’ve ever acheived. But that was the gist of it. I found myself watching the show because I had a crush on Bethany Joy Galeotti (nee Lenz). I loved watching the struggle of Lucas and Nathan Scott, as they vied for the title of Best B-Baller in Tree Hill. I found myself madly in love with the adorable Sophia Bush, and the addition of Boy Meets World‘s. Minkis was the icing on the cake. It’s so much like Dawson’s Creek, even though people fail to recognize it. You watch it and find yourself saying, “Real kids don’t talk like that”. Just like the Creek, these kids try so hard. There’s so much angst and, to them, there’s so much at stake. I give it the Center Stage award, as (just like that movie) the actors pour their hearts and souls into a weak-ass plot. Here we are, 5 years later, and OTH has outlasted The OC, and is finally attracting an audience. With the strike going on, this is pretty much the only show I watch. Yes, I am a 15 year old girl…

This post goes out to Tracie in Arizona. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one reading this thing 🙂 If anyone else is reading this (besides James, Jenn, JJ, Tarek and King Kong), make yourself known!