12th Jan2011

Adventures West Coast – Haunt Vol. 1

by Will

I really shouldn’t like this series. All signs point to why this should be a bad idea. The designs are by Todd McFarlane, it really just plays like Albino Spawn, and it looks ’90s as Hell. That said, I found myself really enjoying this book. In fact, I was even buying it in single-issue form; I only got the trade because someone gave it to me. Let’s take a closer look at what this series is all about.

Haunt‘s origins stem from a publicity stunt from 2006’s San Diego Comic Con. Robert Kirkman had been evangelizing to creators about the benefits of only working on creator-owned projects. During a panel, Kirkman called out Todd McFarlane, and challenged him to return to comics. Todd had spent the last few years fending off lawsuits, making toys, and playing with his expensive balls. Nobody expected Kirkman to be the one to bring Todd back to the comic world, but Todd later accepted the challenge. Kirkman eventually became an Image partner, but nothing was mentioned about their collaboration for quite some time. Then, Haunt was announced.

Haunt is the story of Father Daniel Kilgore, a Catholic priest who seems to have lost all faith in the church. He’s got a regular weekly date with a hooker. His estranged brother, Kurt, actually stole his girlfriend and married her – the event which initially drove Daniel to the priesthood. That same brother still comes around for weekly confession. You see, he’s a black ops agent who feels the need to atone for the actions he’s forced to take in the field. As the story opens, Kurt is telling Daniel about a recent mission, where a doctor had been conducting genetic experiments on human subjects. While Kurt’s mission was to rescue the doctor, he was so appalled by what he found that he killed the doctor and rescued the test subjects instead. Apparently, the doctor kept a notebook of his experiment, but Kurt didn’t know about it. Unfortunately for Kurt, he’s immediately kidnapped and tortured to reveal the whereabouts of the notes. When it becomes clear that Kurt either doesn’t know anything or won’t cooperate, he’s killed. That’s when shit gets real!

Not only does Daniel start seeing Ghost Kurt, but when they “touch”, Daniel is overcome by a type of symbiote which forms a suit around him. This, in effect, makes him White Power Spawn. With Kurt’s murderers targeting his friends and family, the suit becomes quite the defensive weapon, cutting them down in gruesome fashion. Eventually, Daniel is taken in by Kurt’s former organization, and becomes Agent Haunt. If you’ve ever seen an episode of 24, then you know that every covert organization has a mole, so that gets dealt with. Also, Haunt kills more thugs with his symbiotic tendrils. I won’t spoil all the twists and turns, but the end of the arc finds Daniel quitting the church, and actually looking forward to a life using his new-found powers.

As I said in the beginning, I shouldn’t like this book. Sure, I like Kirkman’s work, but I don’t like all of his stuff. This book, from the look to the subject matter, could’ve come out in 1994. To be perfectly honest, that’s probably why I bought into it to begin with. As we’ve covered in the past, my mom was a bit of an evangelical, and most of my X-Men comics were seen as “demonic”, so there was no way in Hell that I was gonna be able to bring Spawn into the house! So, considering that this, at least from a visual perspective, just seemed like a retread of that idea, I guess I saw it as my second chance.

While Haunt Vol. 1 only collects the first 6 issues, I can tell you that I’ve already read the next story arc in the series. While I enjoy the character of Daniel, I don’t feel like there’s a ton to do with him. I think the problem with a lot of comics is that they don’t know when to quit. Vertigo has a good model where they know that most series are going to top out around 60 issues. This concept could’ve been wrapped in 12. Issue #12 does provide a nice bit of closure to things, though there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I feel that the book and characters have pretty much already achieved what they set out to do. Sure, there are always “bold new directions”, but that’s not the best move for every title. I think Haunt is a nice little trip down Image Memory Lane, but it’s only a nice place to *visit*. It’s so derivative of other things that it’s only a matter of time before storylines and characters start to look familiar. Considering that the series was the product of a challenge, I guess it’s only fitting that I challenge them to prove me wrong.

27th Feb2010

iGod On Shuffle – Further Musings On The Pop Sensibilities of Contemporary Christian Music

by Will

One week – that’s all it took for me to learn all the words to the top songs on Christian radio. Since I wrote that post last week, my car radio dial hasn’t moved from the Christian station. I mean, I thought about changing it, but its pull was just too strong. It’s all SO catchy! There was one song, in particular, that kept me around.

If you remember, last week I prophesied the day that Ryan Tedder discovers Christian music. Well, the song has been written. While Tedder was actually nowhere near the song, it’s clear that somebody deciphered his songwriting code. If you heard it, you’d ask, “Hey, isn’t this OneRepublic song?” The latest single from tobyMac, I give you “City On Our Knees”:

Again, it’s a good example of a song where you wouldn’t catch the meaning from a casual listen. I’ve gotta say, though, I LOVE this song! In fact, it sounds a lot like “Say (All I Need)” from OneRepublic’s debut, Dreaming Out Loud.

Anyway, it’s a song like this that makes me want to try my hand at recording again. I’ve mentioned the a cappella, but even before that, I had dreams of making it in pop. More precisely, I wanted to be the first black guy in a boyband (pop historians will note that we weren’t introduced to the black boyband member until 5ive, and later O-Town, and they were both halfies). To me, the most important part of the plan was figuring out how to gain access to the industry.

Growing up, my church always tried to get me to join their choir. That said, my church was a bit of a white, right-wing nuthouse, so I wasn’t really game. I wasn’t really looking for a gospel experience, but I just didn’t feel like this was the singing experience for me. I always had one singing church friend, though: Angie.

Angie was a sweet girl with a great voice. She’d sing solos, and since she knew I sang, she’d always say that we needed to sing together. 20 something years later, and that duet has yet to take place. In any case, we used to talk about “pulling an Amy Grant”, where we’d become Christian artists, win a couple of Dove Awards (Christian Grammys) to build a reputation, and then crossover to mainstream pop. After all, it seemed like anybody could win a Dove Award! Like I said, though – the duet never happened, so the dream never happened. I dunno, but I don’t think the Jerry Falwell crowd would have gravitated toward an interracial Christian duo. I guess we’ll never know.

Anyway, before I go, I wanted to leave you with one more song. I know people have been up in arms about the new version of “We Are The World”; if you can believe it, I still haven’t heard it yet. In any case, the Christian music community also put together a really good benefit song, entitled “Come Together Now”. It’s no original “We Are The World”, but it might just be good enough to take the bad taste out of your mouth left by the new version.

*Credit Roll*

Where Are They Now?

Will went on to college, where he sang in glee club and a cappella. While, he was Big Man On Campus for a bit, he’s now bitter and unemployed.

Angie went on to marry a con artist. No, really. In the tradition of the church, the reception contained no dancing. Yup, she got married in Footloose. Her con artist husband is currently on the lam.

Neither of them won that Dove award.

18th Feb2010

Jesus On Repeat: Musings On The Pop Sensibilities of Contemporary Christian Music

by Will

I know this is probably gonna get me some flack, this being a “cool kids site” and all, but I’ve got to ask: Have you let Jesus into your heart? Better yet, have you let Jesus into your iPod?

Allow me to explain. As I’ve said in past posts, I am a lover of melodies. Lyrics don’t mean much to me, but melodies really drive it home (considering this site focuses mainly on club music and Lady Gaga lyrics, I get the impression that I’m not the only one shunning the “importance” of words). It was long ago that I realized the best melodies come from the world of contemporary Christian music. I already think that Ryan Tedder knows his way around a good melody, regardless of what people think of his songwriting or OneRepublic. That said, if Ryan Tedder worked in the world of Christian pop, Earth would explode. We just wouldn’t be ready. All those Left Behind books? They are about the day Tedder works with Amy Grant and tobyMac. Since Lent is the season of sacrifice, let me tell you about the time I gave up secular music and discovered the melodic world of “family friendly, family first” music.

Back in my halcyon days at Cornell, I was entrenched in the world of a cappella. Since it was a rather small community, it tended to be the source of most friendships and romantic couplings. Around my sophomore year, a nice girl in one of the female groups caught my eye. She was cute, and sweet, and the kind of girl that might bake you pies if you lived in some backwoods, bumblefuck town near a “crick”. For the sake of protecting identities (and the fact that she just got married, so I don’t want her husband coming to kick my ass), let’s call her “Wendy”.

Anyway, Wendy was a nice girl, but she wasn’t into all the cool, fun things college kids like to do. Sure, she might drink some beer after the arch sing, or swear and quickly cover her mouth, but Wendy liked to spend her free time in other pursuits. In fact, outside of singing, her main social outlet was Campus Crusade for Christ. Now, I grew up in a pretty fire & brimstone church. I’d heard it all, but I never really went to any of the group stuff. I’d gone to an event in the past, where one of the kids told a story about his brother in the Army. Apparently, Army Bro had found out one of the guys in his barracks was gay, and everyone proceeded to beat up the guy with soap-filled pillow cases. As the van cheered in approval, I realized these weren’t my kinda folks! Having come from this background, the last thing I wanted was a “Christian community”. As far as I was concerned, JC and I had a good thing going on our own. Needless to say, Wendy wasn’t having it.

She tried and tried to get me to go to CCC, and I think I went once. That was enough. Afterward, I tried to convince her that I could deal with The World and all its evil on my own. For some reason, I decided that music would be the first target. Now, I’m not quite sure how I thought I could just get rid of secular music, as I was in a group that did nothing but U2 and Erasure songs. That said, I thought of singing as a “job”, while I was burning CD-R’s (remember those?) left and right, filled with dc Talk and Mark Schultz.

The transition was a bit hard at first. After all, this was the height of the boyband craze, and I’m only human. I mean, shit – “Bye Bye Bye” had just come out! “BYE BYE BYE”! The song where even the hardest motherfucker was like, “A’ight, that chorus is kinda catchy.” Despite all this, I still managed to find some nice, spiritual music. When I do something, I tend to get a bit fanatical, so I was even drawing little crosses and stuff on the discs with Sharpies.

Needless to say, the whole Wendy thing didn’t last too long. Turns out she’d never even been kissed, and I suddenly felt dirty. I didn’t want to be some 18 year old’s first kiss. I just didn’t. Plus, as much as I was digging Amy Grant’s non-“Baby Baby” work, I still had a need for some “Oops, I Did It Again”. That said, the one thing that I took away from the experience was a new found appreciation for Christian music. Not being a lyrics guy certainly helped matters, but I’ve got to be honest: a lot of the music isn’t as preachy as you might think. Hell, City High’s “What Would You Do?” hits you over the head with more of a hammer than some of the stuff you might hear on Christian radio. When I was in elementary school, a guy named Paul Hill came to my school and taught us songs like “Awesome God”. That was almost 20 years ago, but I’ve never forgotten it. In fact, when I first heard T.I.’s “What You Know”, I thought to myself, “Hey, this background sounds kinda familiar!” (It wasn’t an official sample, however). I learned that a great melody makes for an excellent vehicle for a message. It’s simple propaganda, but you can tap your foot to it. Now that we’ve come to the end, and to keep my girlfriend from kirking out that I just wrote about another girl, I thought I’d leave you with a sampling of the music that just kinda sneaks Jesus up on ya:

Mark Schultz – “He’s My Son”: It’s essentially about a man, praying to God to save his sick son. Outside of one “God” reference, this could be sung by Leona Lewis in some Hollywood tearjerker, and you’d never know it’s true intention.

tobyMac – “Lose My Soul”: Former member of Christian hitmakers dc Talk, tobyMac brings us a song about struggling not to lose yourself in this crazy world. It’s even got a cameo by Kirk Franklin – he was addicted to porn, so he’s just like us! With a couple of Clear Channel edits, this song could fit into any commercial free spin in place of BEP’s “Where Is The Love?”

Francesca Battistelli – “I’m Letting Go”: Do ya like Sara Bareilles? If so, you’ll love this! Plainly put, it’s about a woman who hs decided to “let go, and let God”, yet she doesn’t say it in so many words. Again, it’s the kind of song you’d hear on Hot 99.5 after some Jason Mraz song, and you’d never even know what it was really about until you gave it a bit more thought.

So, I hope I’ve been successful in showing you that there can be enjoyable songs in the places you’d least expect. Not a sermon, just a thought. I really hope Lon Solomon doesn’t try to sue me for that…

09th Jul2008

Real World Analysis & My Amazing Treadmill Deal

by Will

“I don’t do it it for my health, man I do it for the belt.”

-OK, something I need to get off my chest: voting is NOT “cool”. I’m so sick of Rock the Vote, Choose or Lose, or any of the promotions that feel they need to pander to the lowest common denominator just to get people to register to vote. Yes, voting is important, but it is not cool. There’s a big difference there. A prostate exam is important, but it ain’t cool. People need to learn that there are things in life that should be done, regardless of how it might look to their friends. If you need Usher to remind you to vote, then maybe your ass doesn’t deserve the right.

-You know, I wanted to hate Tila Tequila last week, but I actually felt sorry when that chick rejected the key to her heart. I mean, nobody likes being dumped. Then, I watched One Shot Too Many last night, and I found myself hating her all over again. I remember her wanting to be an actress, but she really needs to learn to fake some tears better than she was doing – she could use some lessons from Real World Will.

-Speaking of Will, why did he have to become the House A-hole? I mean, I did think he went off on Greg for some nefarious reasons, but Greg was a douche and deserved to have something happen to him. That said, Will came with some pretty vicious stuff, especially when he started talking about Greg’s dead dad. I figured, well, when Greg gets kicked out, Will won’t be a dick anymore. Man, was I wrong! And what’s up with the Janelle hook-up? She just happened to be in the area? In the same bar that the house mates just happened to stumble into?Sure, what a coincidence… 😛

-You know, the producers could be on to something there: have an older group of house mates (those busy on the nightclub promotion circuit) “drop in” on the current cast, and serve in a mentor capacity. After all, they’ve been there and done that, so they could help steer the new cast out of trouble. Well, that’s how it would look on paper. In reality, it would just open the door for some intercast, possibly inter-generational (especially if Cyrus pops up) hook-ups, and more potential drama. It’ll be amazing television! It’s like when Power Rangers started doing the annual team-ups, where the old team, with their experience and cockiness, would come to the aid of the green, inexperienced new team. Zords would meet, flirtation would occur, and you’d get a kickass 10-ranger morph sequence. This would be just like that, only with more hot tubs, alcohol, and blurred nudity.

-It was pretty weird seeing Summer Rayne on Real World. I’m sure I’ve mentioned her before, but Summer Rayne Oakes is an eco-friendly fashion model. And I went to college with her. It’s weird to see her model stuff, ’cause that’s not how she carried herself in school. She was more Ms. Outdoors, always coming from a hike or a bike ride. Then, we graduate, and she’s this pretty famous eco-conscious model, with her own foundation that spreads eco-awareness in between lingerie shoots. Interesting combo, but she seems to pull it off. Anyway, RW added these bumpers this season, where the house mates give us tips on how to be more eco-friendly. If you saw the cute brunette teaching them how to use their stove, that was Summer Rayne.

-While RW‘s ratings have been higher than in recent seasons, I’m not sure I like the 1-hour format. It unnecessarily burns through the season in half the time. Tonight was the season finale, and I still don’t feel like I got to know this cast. Sure, it’s a shallow show, but I don’t feel there were any real character arcs here. Very little development occurred, and when it happened, it was usually for the worst. Brianna didn’t decide to turn her back on stripping. Instead, she realized she was lazy and didn’t like to work. Joey found sobriety, but also an ugly girlfriend, who he wouldn’t have given the time of day back during his coke binges. I still don’t know a damn thing about Dave or Kim, except Dave can be cool at times, while Kim has a lot to learn about black people. I wanted to like Sarah. Hell, I wanted to love Sarah, but something about her just kept her out of reach. She was too reminiscent of Rachel Campos, from the San Francisco season: the “I want to cool with you, but my conservative views keep me from condoning your lifestyle” kind of vibe. We didn’t know Nick or Brittini long enough to form opinions. And well, we already know how I feel about Will.

-How did Li’l Wayne sell 1 million albums in one week, when everybody had already illegally downloaded the album?! I don’t even listen to that stuff, and I downloaded it! It’s common knowledge that the record label buys, maybe, 100,000 copies of a “star’s” album’s release so that they can affect that Billboard numbers. That’s how you know when a label isn’t supporting its artist. Ashley Simpson’s Bittersweet World sold 47,000 copies the week it was released, making it pretty clear that Geffen doesn’t give a shit about Ashley Simpson as an artist on their roster. That said, I find it hard to believe that Universal bought the bulk of the total copies of Tha Carter III sold, but I find it harder to believe that they were purchased by the general public. It boggles the mind.

-I can’t believe Finola actually kicked a chick off How Do I Look! It was definitely one for the record books. If you get a chance to watch the episode with the punk chick, named Plum, I highly suggest you take a seat for some great, angsty television!

-Can someone please explain Vampire Weekend to me? I just don’t get it. They’ve been the darling of music blog scene for the past 6 months, and I’m starting to feel like I did when I missed that Harry Potter bandwagon. “Oxford Comma” kinda has something to it, but I just don’t get them as an act. I know the preppy thing is their gimmick, but it just looks like The Hangovers started playing instruments. I love those guys, but I don’t exactly see that as something that would take the musical world by storm. Someone, please tell me what I’m missing here.

-Hey, Sara Bareilles! Glad to see MTV decided to promote you this week. Too bad your album came out over a year ago. So, do you have a movie coming out or something? No? Well…um…wow, this is awkward…Well, enjoy yourself, ’cause they’ll probably move on to Katy Perry next Monday, and give all their commercial break bumpers to her.

-Every few years, I find that I get on this contemporary Christian music kick. What can I say? They stole all the best melodies. What am I saying? God stole all the best melodies. That said, I currently recommend tobyMac’s “Lose My Soul”, which features a cameo by Kirk Franklin. I don’t think you’re allowed to release a Christian album without Kirk having his hand in it somehow. The man’s got a mafia hold on that industry!

– I leave you with a tale that I call: Encyclopedia Will & the Case of the Clearance Treadmill. You see, I’ve always wanted a treadmill. I had a stepper, but I think I was over the weight limit, as it was made for women, and I proceeded to tear the steel housing of the base. Yeah, I’d be ashamed if it didn’t look so cool. It was like Superman had ripped it apart. But I digress…So, I was in K-Mart (why, I don’t know, as I’ve vowed on many occasions to never go there again) and I ran across a treadmill on clearance. It had been $329, but was no going for $165. I always figured I’d end up with an el cheapo treadmill, as I have no use for a gym-caliber machine right now. So, I came home to make sure I had the space, and once it was confirmed, I went back up to the store to buy it. I mean, I wasn’t going to find a treadmill any cheaper. Or so I thought.

I drag the thing up to the register, and the cashier can’t scan it, as the barcode is all scratched out. She finds a number on the side, and puts that in the system. I’m not paying attention, and she says something to me about $33. I think she’s trying to sell me some buyer protection racket, so I decline. She calls over the manager, and he puts in the same number from the box, and it becomes evident that the treadmill is on super clearance, and is ringing up for $33! Other managers start to gather around, and I become the most hated person in the store, as they realize they’d missed a deal that had been right under their noses. They start asking, “Are there any more back there?” I respond, “I don’t know. You work here, you’d know that better than me“. Yeah, in hindsight, I guess I wasn’t winning many friends in this scenario. The store director just looks at me and says, “Man, you got a Hell of a deal.” Then, I had to get it into the car.

You see, I hadn’t taken any kind of measurements, but I just assumed that it would fit in the car. Well, you know what happens when we assume…So, I’m struggling with this thing, as the employees are hoping it doesn’t fit, as then I’ll have to return it and they’ll have their shot. I take the parts out of the box, and manage to get them all in the car, at the expense of breathing room. I drove home hunched over the steering wheel like a senior citizen with cataracts. Needless to say, I got it home and then went out drinking. Later, I came home and put the thing together DRUNK. That’s how big of a rockstar I am! I’m rocker than the rocks in Montana! Anyway, here we are, 3 weeks later, and I’ve got no complaints. It was certainly a steal, and it’s the best fitness investment I’ve made since Billy’s Boot Camp. Now, let’s just hope I stick with it a little longer than I stuck with Mr. Blanks…

12th Apr2007

Top Design, Style Network, MySpace, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and Soulmate iPod

by Will

“Tonight, my heart is smiling. And it is an eternal smile.”

I really just want to post enough to push all of my neurotic posts to the archives. NOT the best impression to give a person when they randomly google you. I’m sort of scattered right now, but I know I haven’t posted in ages, so let’s go the stream-of-consciousness route:

-I’ve really been into Top Design. And I never thought I’d like that show. That’s a lie; I’ve actually wanted to be an interior decorator for a few years now (truths!). Anyway, next thing I knew, I was knee-deep in some Todd Oldham. Speaking of Todd, he’s too touchy-feely. I get that he wants to be supportive and all, and I’d hate to think I’ve become used to the Cowell-Ramsay-Trump model of reality show “coaching”. Todd’s just too…gooey, and he gets under my skin. Plus, has anybody noticed the latest trend in reality shows: The “married” gay guy? I’m talking about the guy who will NOT STOP talking about his wife and daughter, to the point that even the gay judge can’t help but crack a smirk.

-I’m also really into Work Out again. Zen has got to be the cutest personal trainer ever! You guys can have your L-Word. My show has real lesbians! Man, I’ve really got to get over lesbians…

-What the Hell is Taquita & Kaui? Is that a new Kool-Aid flavor?

-I think there should be some sort of study about faith and myspace. Not religion, mind you, but the faith that people place in their interactions. Do you really make $250,000 or higher? Is that really Britney Spears’ profile? I don’t care if it’s got pictures of the baby, how do you know it’s really her? Just because her address is http://www.myspace.com/therealbritneyspears does NOT mean that’s her. Huh? No, YOU go to Hell…

-I’m beginning to wonder if I’m the only person watching Style Network. Every time I turn the thing on, they’re playing my favorite shows. Then again, when my favorite shows are How Do I Look, Clean House, Instant Beauty Pageant, and Whose Wedding, that’s not such an impossible feat. I mean, Clean House is on all the fucking time! Don’t get me wrong; I’ve developed a crush on Niecy Nash that I never thought would be possible. She’s like a Classy Ghetto. A grape soda served in a champagne flute. But I swear, it’s on when I go to sleep, and it’s on when I wake up. A network can’t be doing well with just one show on all the time…

-I am back into wrestling like it’s 2000! It’s the throwback stuff that keeps me there. Why did no one tell me Hacksaw Jim Duggan was still around? When the Hell did Tatanka come back? Shawn Michaels has been back awhile. You call up I.R.S. and Papa Shango, and you will have a new member of the RAW fan nation. Speaking of the RAW fan nation, what do I have to do to cut a promo? At first, I thought it was just for D-list celebrities, like Steve-O, but then I noticed they started letting regular joes do it, too. Marcus, make a call for me.

-I don’t like when Inferno and Duels overlap a RR or RW season with the same cast members! The things are shot separately, so for all I know, something down the road may seriously change the dynamic of the group. RW Denver isn’t even over yet, but somehow the entire cast except for Stephen and “Evanescence” made it to Inferno. That’s got to be a kick in the hot tub. How the hell do you choose 80% of a cast and just leave the other 2 hanging? Was it a contractual thing? Does Ty kill Stephen before the season is over? Does he pee on Stephen and have to go to jail…again?

-I can’t tell if Short Circuitz is trying to be In Living Color or All That.

Scrubs is the greatest show on television. I hate myself for finding it so late in the game. Also, because I would be the dork to notice this, I love how Ted’s a cappella group gets better over the course of the series. They’re pretty shitty in the beginning, but they’re pretty kick ass in more recent episodes. Of course I’d notice the a cappella.

-For 3 days, my iPod was my soul mate. She knew exactly what I felt and what I needed to hear. I feel that I am to blame for the brevity of our connection. You see, I was so impressed with her that first day that I took her to bed with me. My last memory of that night was me closing my eyes to the soothing lilt of Biebl’s “Ave Maria”. It was magical, like on Cinemax. Well, the next day, the ‘Pod and I were sympatico. If I was feeling weak, she’d play the theme to Justice League or Metal Gear Solid 2. If it were rainy and quiet, she’d play some Sade. But I was on to her. She just wanted to return to my bed. But I already knew that had been a mistake. Her place was in my glove compartment and nowhere else! As she began to realize that our relationship was not set on “repeat”, she developed a mind of her own, thus ending our rapport.

-I lost my comic collection database due to my HD getting fuxxored (did I get that right, hackers?) It’s like my view on life has changed. Ever since I started this job, I’ve changed my outlook on the free stuff. I might as well be Opie Taylor, as I roll the books up and stick ’em in my back pocket. Hell, I didn’t pay for them. But the sad thing about the database was that was 4 years of my life just…”poof”. Here’s the lesson, kids: back up your shit, and don’t waste your early twenties cataloging comics.

After these messages, we’ll be riiiiight back! *fire hydrant licks dog*

08th Aug2005

DJ Tanner Says You’re Going To Hell!

by Will

What’s the deal with the Cameron family?!!! First, Mike Seaver got
Left Behind and now DJ Tanner’s throwing THIS at us?!!!

Whoa, babies! When did these kids get all Born Again? And stop making me feel like crap, Mike and Donna Jo! Don’t they know they’ve gotta have mercy? I mean, cut it out, guys. Pin a rose on your nose, ’cause I don’t like this “holier than thou” crap. I guess I’m not saintly enough to visit your site, Candace. You don’t want me there? You got it, dude!

03rd Aug2005

Battlefield: D.C.

by Will

“Because, in my mind, nothing makes aliens more angry than humans not living up to their full potential.”

Apparently, i’m about to enter the seedy underbelly of covert operations. But, since I’m blogging about it, I guess my actions won’t be so covert after all. You see, my friend, Davis, wants us to infiltrate Scientology. He feels his mission in life is to bring down that scam for what it is. There’s a Scientology center downtown, so put two and two together. Thats right, I give you “Operation: Cruisin’ for a Bruisin'”

I don’t really know what he has in mind. I’ve heard a few ideas that I really shouldn’t post online, you know, Patriot Act and all. Either way, I kinda think he’s serious, and I don’t know if that excites me or scares me. I’m kinda like that chick in high school, who’s into the rebel who makes his own rules, and he scares me but gets me wet.That rebel bastard might slap me around or pull a knife on me, but I just want him to take me to Summit Point and make out with me….Wow…I got WAY off topic there.

Anyway, Davis has done his homework. We drunkenly discussed the pecking order of the Sea Org. PLEASE, if you haven’t heard of this, PLEASE go look up “Sea Organization”. For the Cliff Notes version, the Sea Org is the main operating body of Scientology. The crazy bastards dress up in Naval uniforms and perform all of their rituals on a ship in international waters. It doesn’t take a genius to deduce that, if something has to be done in international waters, it’s a safe bet that it shouldn’t be done at all. It’s common practice for them to throw “traitors” and the like overboard. And to learn any Scientology teachings above Operating Thetan 8 (OT 8), you must be taught only on the ship.

Rumor has it that the ship is docked in Curacao. What, was Hedonism not an option? Some religion y’all got there. How ’bout we swing over to Cabo and say ‘Hi’ to Sammy Hagar. He’s prolly high enough to listen to the psycho shit y’all are peddlin’.

Look, I’m all about religious freedom, and I realize that every religion is trying to force something down our throats that’s a bit hard to swallow. But listen to this stuff! Billions of years ago, an alien warlord sent his enemies to Earth on space planes shaped like 767’s so that he could blow them up inside a volcano. Once blown to kingdom come, the spirits floated around until we came along, and they inhabited us. Shit! Power Rangers had a more convincing storyline!

Now, through the wondrous magic of Scientology, we can be purged of these spirits with contributions of $10,000 and up. P.S. It helps to have a SAG card. After all, we want our interests positively represented in Hollywood. Nothing says crediblity like John Travolta and Isaac Hayes. Yup, Chef is a Scientologisy. I wonder how they feel about his Chocolate Salty Balls…

Speaking of Hollywood, let’s point out another Scientological failing: “Battlefield: Earth”. Yes, this movie, unbeknownst to many, is actually based on the teachings of Scientology. In fact, it is infamous for being known as the biggest cinematic bomb of the past 20 years. It’s one thing to look at it as a bad movie. OK, shit happens. It’s a completely different thing to realize that the worst movie of all time is the basis for a religion. Hey, John Travolta’s no Mel Gibson, but you don’t need Jesus as your homeboy to realize that something is SERIOUSLY wrong with that equation. What is it about actors that they buy into this stuff, but the average Joe doesn’t. I mean, I want ultimate understanding, but I’m not a major shareholder in Planet Hollywood, so I don’t matter…

There’s the theory that, like Skull & Bones, blackmail plays a part. Rumor has it that Travolta’s only in because they’ve got “pictures regarding his past”. So, you’re gay Travolta. You’re in Hollywood; EVERYBODY’S gay! Would it really be that bad to come out? I mean, look at the alternative you’ve chosen for yourself! Why don’t you and Tom just cut the crap and get together, and Kelly and Katie can get on with their lives.

Anyway, from his days on “Semester at Sea”, Davis told me that pirates still roam the high seas (See, baby? Pirates!). While not as impressive as the pirates of lore, they still manage to knock over the occasional cruise ship or two. So, he’d like to give the Sea Org’s coordinates to these pirates, and watch carnage ensue.

I’m not sure it’s gonna work out like he plans. After all, maybe those pirates will be pickin’ up what those Scientologists are puttin’ down. Then, we’d have some bastard Piratologist hybrids running around, looting in the name of purging Thetans. And, then folks, we would be royally fucked. I don’t think it’s wise to mix Pirates and aliens. Why do i say that? Because Hollywood’s never shown this to us. Why haven’t they shown it? Because even they realize that NOTHING can beat the team of pirates and aliens. We are royally fucked. Not even Tom Cruise and Michael Bay explosions can convince us that we’re gonna win that war. We’re not. Just get ready for the probing and the looting. All hail our tentacled, eyepatch wearing overlords. It’s over, Sally…

So, the ultimate plan is to sell out the nutjobs to the pirates. But for the covert part, we think we might go down to a meeting, and see what they’re all about. It’s often said that hatred comes from ignorance. I’d like to be able to say that I hate them, not because of my own ignorance, but because I KNOW they’re crackpots. I’m advocating educated hatred. After all, we’ve got to set an example for the kids…

30th Jul2005

But I Like Warm Beverages…

by Will

“Brigham Young University: If you’re not married by graduation, you get your tuition back.”

So, apparently the Church of Latter Day Saints is a meat market. At least according to this entertaining article:

Man, that Book of Mormon must have some SMOOTH pick up lines!

19th Jun2005

Jump On One Couch, And The Earth Starts Shakin’!

by Will

“At Eastern Motors, where my job is my credit!”

Another CA earthquake? This just proves that God’s finally as sick of Tom Cruise as the rest of us…

26th May2005

What Would Jesus DRIVE?

by Will

So, if you read my Comments section, you’ll see that Shel responded to my last post. Apparently, she feels that Jesus would’ve liked the Mustang they gave Bo and Carrie on Idol. I’ve gotta say that I disagree.

You see, I always felt that Jesus would drive a Jeep. And not a Grand Cherokee or any of that mess. I mean a Jeep, plain and simple. In fact, I kinda thought it might even be an Army surplus Jeep, you know, for the irony of it all…

A Jeep’s kinda unassuming, and JUST crunchy enough to get the job done…

What? You think Big J would be cruisin’ in an Escalade? A Lexus? I think not! He’s Jesus, not Kobe!

A Mustang? Oh, Shel, Shel, Shel…