08th Aug2005

DJ Tanner Says You’re Going To Hell!

by Will

What’s the deal with the Cameron family?!!! First, Mike Seaver got
Left Behind and now DJ Tanner’s throwing THIS at us?!!!

Whoa, babies! When did these kids get all Born Again? And stop making me feel like crap, Mike and Donna Jo! Don’t they know they’ve gotta have mercy? I mean, cut it out, guys. Pin a rose on your nose, ’cause I don’t like this “holier than thou” crap. I guess I’m not saintly enough to visit your site, Candace. You don’t want me there? You got it, dude!

03rd Aug2005

Battlefield: D.C.

by Will

“Because, in my mind, nothing makes aliens more angry than humans not living up to their full potential.”

Apparently, i’m about to enter the seedy underbelly of covert operations. But, since I’m blogging about it, I guess my actions won’t be so covert after all. You see, my friend, Davis, wants us to infiltrate Scientology. He feels his mission in life is to bring down that scam for what it is. There’s a Scientology center downtown, so put two and two together. Thats right, I give you “Operation: Cruisin’ for a Bruisin'”

I don’t really know what he has in mind. I’ve heard a few ideas that I really shouldn’t post online, you know, Patriot Act and all. Either way, I kinda think he’s serious, and I don’t know if that excites me or scares me. I’m kinda like that chick in high school, who’s into the rebel who makes his own rules, and he scares me but gets me wet.That rebel bastard might slap me around or pull a knife on me, but I just want him to take me to Summit Point and make out with me….Wow…I got WAY off topic there.

Anyway, Davis has done his homework. We drunkenly discussed the pecking order of the Sea Org. PLEASE, if you haven’t heard of this, PLEASE go look up “Sea Organization”. For the Cliff Notes version, the Sea Org is the main operating body of Scientology. The crazy bastards dress up in Naval uniforms and perform all of their rituals on a ship in international waters. It doesn’t take a genius to deduce that, if something has to be done in international waters, it’s a safe bet that it shouldn’t be done at all. It’s common practice for them to throw “traitors” and the like overboard. And to learn any Scientology teachings above Operating Thetan 8 (OT 8), you must be taught only on the ship.

Rumor has it that the ship is docked in Curacao. What, was Hedonism not an option? Some religion y’all got there. How ’bout we swing over to Cabo and say ‘Hi’ to Sammy Hagar. He’s prolly high enough to listen to the psycho shit y’all are peddlin’.

Look, I’m all about religious freedom, and I realize that every religion is trying to force something down our throats that’s a bit hard to swallow. But listen to this stuff! Billions of years ago, an alien warlord sent his enemies to Earth on space planes shaped like 767’s so that he could blow them up inside a volcano. Once blown to kingdom come, the spirits floated around until we came along, and they inhabited us. Shit! Power Rangers had a more convincing storyline!

Now, through the wondrous magic of Scientology, we can be purged of these spirits with contributions of $10,000 and up. P.S. It helps to have a SAG card. After all, we want our interests positively represented in Hollywood. Nothing says crediblity like John Travolta and Isaac Hayes. Yup, Chef is a Scientologisy. I wonder how they feel about his Chocolate Salty Balls…

Speaking of Hollywood, let’s point out another Scientological failing: “Battlefield: Earth”. Yes, this movie, unbeknownst to many, is actually based on the teachings of Scientology. In fact, it is infamous for being known as the biggest cinematic bomb of the past 20 years. It’s one thing to look at it as a bad movie. OK, shit happens. It’s a completely different thing to realize that the worst movie of all time is the basis for a religion. Hey, John Travolta’s no Mel Gibson, but you don’t need Jesus as your homeboy to realize that something is SERIOUSLY wrong with that equation. What is it about actors that they buy into this stuff, but the average Joe doesn’t. I mean, I want ultimate understanding, but I’m not a major shareholder in Planet Hollywood, so I don’t matter…

There’s the theory that, like Skull & Bones, blackmail plays a part. Rumor has it that Travolta’s only in because they’ve got “pictures regarding his past”. So, you’re gay Travolta. You’re in Hollywood; EVERYBODY’S gay! Would it really be that bad to come out? I mean, look at the alternative you’ve chosen for yourself! Why don’t you and Tom just cut the crap and get together, and Kelly and Katie can get on with their lives.

Anyway, from his days on “Semester at Sea”, Davis told me that pirates still roam the high seas (See, baby? Pirates!). While not as impressive as the pirates of lore, they still manage to knock over the occasional cruise ship or two. So, he’d like to give the Sea Org’s coordinates to these pirates, and watch carnage ensue.

I’m not sure it’s gonna work out like he plans. After all, maybe those pirates will be pickin’ up what those Scientologists are puttin’ down. Then, we’d have some bastard Piratologist hybrids running around, looting in the name of purging Thetans. And, then folks, we would be royally fucked. I don’t think it’s wise to mix Pirates and aliens. Why do i say that? Because Hollywood’s never shown this to us. Why haven’t they shown it? Because even they realize that NOTHING can beat the team of pirates and aliens. We are royally fucked. Not even Tom Cruise and Michael Bay explosions can convince us that we’re gonna win that war. We’re not. Just get ready for the probing and the looting. All hail our tentacled, eyepatch wearing overlords. It’s over, Sally…

So, the ultimate plan is to sell out the nutjobs to the pirates. But for the covert part, we think we might go down to a meeting, and see what they’re all about. It’s often said that hatred comes from ignorance. I’d like to be able to say that I hate them, not because of my own ignorance, but because I KNOW they’re crackpots. I’m advocating educated hatred. After all, we’ve got to set an example for the kids…

30th Jul2005

But I Like Warm Beverages…

by Will

“Brigham Young University: If you’re not married by graduation, you get your tuition back.”

So, apparently the Church of Latter Day Saints is a meat market. At least according to this entertaining article:
http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/cover/2005/cover0729.html

Man, that Book of Mormon must have some SMOOTH pick up lines!

19th Jun2005

Jump On One Couch, And The Earth Starts Shakin’!

by Will

“At Eastern Motors, where my job is my credit!”

Another CA earthquake? This just proves that God’s finally as sick of Tom Cruise as the rest of us…

26th May2005

What Would Jesus DRIVE?

by Will

So, if you read my Comments section, you’ll see that Shel responded to my last post. Apparently, she feels that Jesus would’ve liked the Mustang they gave Bo and Carrie on Idol. I’ve gotta say that I disagree.

You see, I always felt that Jesus would drive a Jeep. And not a Grand Cherokee or any of that mess. I mean a Jeep, plain and simple. In fact, I kinda thought it might even be an Army surplus Jeep, you know, for the irony of it all…

A Jeep’s kinda unassuming, and JUST crunchy enough to get the job done…

What? You think Big J would be cruisin’ in an Escalade? A Lexus? I think not! He’s Jesus, not Kobe!

A Mustang? Oh, Shel, Shel, Shel…

25th May2005

It’s Funny ‘Cause Bo Bice Looks Like Jesus!

by Will

I think my favorite part of tonight’s American Idol finale was when they gave Jesus the car.

Silly, producers! Don’t they know that he can fly?

Anyways…did y’all see that “Dukes of Hazzard” commercial? Yee-HAH! Oh, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

24th May2005

If Bo Loses Idol, Maybe He Can Be A Jesus Impersonator

by Will

Well, another season of American Idol comes to a close. Tonight sucked. It’s like neither of them knew which song to sing. None of the songs really showcased them vocally, but it’s all in the voters’ hands now.

Anyway, my money’s on Jesus.

Wait…you mean that wasn’t Jesus?

Wow…well, I guess that restores my faith.

OK, my money’s on the dude who looks like Jesus…

20th Apr2005

Republicans & Fundamentalist Christians. Says It All…

by Will

Well, big week, big week…

We’ve got a new pope and Ann Coulter’s on the cover of Time. Isn’t all this in Revelations or something?

Anyway, I’m not too fond of the conservatives or certain religious sects at the moment. I think my feelings on both are best wrapped up in this recent report from Rolling Stone:

“The problem not only with fundamentalist Christians but with Republicans in general is not that they act on blind faith, without thinking. The problem is that they are incorrigible doubters with an insatiable appetite for Evidence. What they get off on is not Believing, but in having their beliefs tested. That’s why their conversations and their media are so completely dominated by implacable bogeymen: marrying gays, liberals, the ACLU, Sean Penn, Europeans and so on. Their faith both in God and in their political convictions is too weak to survive without an unceasing string of real and imaginary confrontations with those people – and for those confrontations, they are constantly assembling evidence and facts to make their case.

But here’s the twist, They are not looking for facts which to defeat opponents. They are looking for facts that ensure them an ever-expanding roster of opponents. They can be correct facts, incorrect facts, irrelevant facts, it doesn’t matter. The point is not to win the argument, the point is to make sure the argument never stops. “

08th Oct2004

Cup O’ Joe

by Will

I swear, Marvel Comics Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada NEVER gives a boring interview! Here’s an excerpt of a recent statement he gave to Newsarama:

NRAMA: Looking at the X-franchise, it seems to have become the home for the superstars – you moved from Grant to Joss to…? Do you feel that you could be moving to a place of one-upping yourself to the nth degree, to a point where if you don’t have a Morrison or a Whdeon type “name” on an X-Men book, sales will suffer?

JQ: Well, we just signed God to write the arc after Joss.

NRAMA: Teasers? Professor X versus the real Lucifer to the death?

JQ: Well, this summer we brought you Jesus vs. Spider-Man, and based on the box office, it looks like Jesus won.

26th Aug2004

Hell Is Nothing But Flavor-Aid & Drake Cakes…

by Will

Conversations At Work

Coworker: “Making fun of deaf people…I’m SO going to Hell.”

Me: “We’re ALL going to Hell. I’ll see ya down there.”

Coworker: “Cool! I’ll meet ya by the vending machine.”

Me: ” You know, I’ll bet Hell has a really shitty vending machine. The kind with no name brand snacks. You know, nothing but Rock Creek Ginger Ale and those Lifesavers that don’t have holes in them…”

Coworker: “That’d be awesome if the worst thing about Hell is that it’s got no brand name snacks!”