14th Jun2005

Ninjas, Pride DC, MJ, and Natalie Holloway

by Will

Gonna steal Shel’s format for today since I like how it’s shaping up for her…

-So, the ice cream truck just drove slowly down my street, with the theme from “The Godfather” coming from its speaker. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a bad thing, right?

-The other week, while in DC, I saw the best/worse ploy for money EVER. This homeless guy held up a sign that read “Ninjas killed my family. Please give me money for Kung Fu lessons.”

-So, Pride DC just ended. Nothing screams “Equal Rights!” like a shirts-optional foam party at Apex. Man, if only MLK had thought of these tactics, Jim Crow wouldn’t have known what hit him…

-One morning a few months ago, this chick got on the bus, wearing a fur coat. Now, let’s break this down. I know my furs, and it was real. So, let’s point out the key parts of the story. A lady got on the BUS wearing a FUR COAT. And I thought to myself, “You’re wearing a car!” I mean, it’s the BUS. Not like you have to go out of your way to impress those people. And I’d rather wear a ratty Members Only jacket and drive a Focus than wear my fur on the Metrobus and get home smelling like nachos and B.O.

-“There is no such thing as a short sleeve dress shirt.” So true, GQ. So true…

-Well-played, MJ. Well-played, indeed. Now, if I even hear of you going near Children’s Tylenol, I will come over to Neverland and beat your ignorant, hard-headed ass. I am gonna beat it, and I won’t stop til I get enough. So, you can call Billie Jean if you want, but that would be bad. Why can’t you just like girls, Michael? Do you remember the time? Do ya? Have you forgotten the way you make them feel? There are many people like you, Jacks. You are not alone. But, lucky for us, most of them are IN JAIL or under surveillance. Now, when I see your old footage, well you give me butterflies. But this crazy-ass Willy Wonka behavior of yours makes me wanna scream! Just stop pressurin’ me!

_According to MSNBC, they’ve been using Viagra to cure kids with lung and respiratory issues. Oh, God bless the U.S.A.! Just like us to have little boys running around with hard-ons, breathing funny. God, it’s a slow news cycle!

-What is the deal with this Aruba chick! Yes, I can understand that her family wants her found, but I can’t remember the last time a search was this intense. I mean, is she carrying nuclear secrets or something?!! She’ll turn up. In recent years, they all have. Back in the 80’s, those kids got killed. But lately, turns out these chicks just go out for ice cream and forget to call home. For three months. Anyway, I hear Deep Throat knows where she is, and he’s got a press conference scheduled with US Weekly in about an hr…

-So, Jenn updated her site template again. More anime. To quote the great Gomer Pyle, “Surprise, surprise!” Don’t get me wrong; it’s a sharp site. It just seems a bit…cliche? Ya know, for a site that tries to break down all the stereotypes, she sure has a funny approach. Anyway, stay tuned for my “fried chicken and tap-dancing” redesign…

Anyway, I’m done. That season finale’s coming. Special guest stars galore. Well, not really. But, when it’s done, NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!!

Seacrest, out

08th Jun2005

I Already Forgot What I Was Trying To Do Here

by Will

I think I did really poorly on my SAT’s, but I’m not sure. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a worrywart, but I can’t help but worry.

Oh well, I got into Cornell, so I guess I didn’t suck THAT much. But I’ll place a little wager. I’ll give $5 to anyone who sees what I’m doing here and calls me out on it. I may honor the bet, and I may not. I’m really just doing this for attention.

By the way, if anyone knows of any jobs that provide parking spaces and pay between the 10-15 dollar range, send ’em my way. After all, the Westman don’t come cheap ;-p

08th Jun2005

H&M Finale Teaser

by Will

Yay! Eunice is dead!

Well, not dead, per se…

But I do have an ending to that story I started way back when.

All will be revealed in the upcoming, double-sized season finale of williambrucewest.com

By the end of this shocking tale, NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME!!!

(Don’t worry. It’s not really a finale. I’m gonna have summer episodes, a la “90210”. Well, nowadays, most people think that’s a concept created by “The OC”, but it really started back when Brenda went to Paris and Kelly started doing Dylan. But now I’m rambling….Just stay tuned for the action, all summer long!)

17th Jan2005

Williambrucewest.com “We Don’t Stop Playing…” Tour 2005

by Will

Williambrucewest.com “We Don’t Stop Playing…” Tour 2005

Yes, we’re coming to a town near you, to bring you all the Will West goodness you’ve come to love online. Come meet Will & have a drink with him. The more he drinks, the funnier he becomes (at least, that’s what that hooker told me…)

Anyway, come along the fantastic voyage, ’cause we’ve got some great guests lined up. Some of these guests include Shelly, Tarek, Austin, James, Jenn, Lip, and a whole cavalcade of stars. If you’ve ever wanted to meet any of them, or if you just wanna tell ’em how you’re such a big fan of their work, come on down!

Tentative Schedule

1/25 Website Launch Anniversary Summit, TBA

1/29 Washington, DC Washington DC Comic-Con

2/24 Boston, MA Bones Annual Conference

2/25 Boston, MA Tarek Sultani Memorial Golf Tournament

2/26 Boston, MA Jed Farlow Guitar Workshop

2/27 Boston, MA Where’s Evan?!! Austria?!!!

2/28 Boston, MA Harvard Square Encore Performance XV

4/1 Ithaca, NY Last Call Presents: Last Call SUX, Straight Up X

4/2 Ithaca, NY Last Call Presents: Hungover With The Hangovers

4/3 Ithaca, NY Last Call Presents: We Didn’t Go To Harvard, My Black Ass!

There will also be frequent, private shows in Silver Spring, MD. But you’ve gotta know somebody to get on that list…

More Dates To Be Added

Let me know if you wanna be on the Street Team!

30th Dec2004

Williambrucewest.com Season 2

by Will

So, this morning I renewed my URL. Yes, folks: www.williambrucewest.com will be back for Season 2, starting in February.

Don’t worry. Until then, you’ll still get your daily dose of Big Willie Style goodness, but February’s gonna bring some surprises.

We’re working on a new format. I’m finally gonna do something with that “Database” section. There’ll be new cast members. New plot twists. And dare we say, new job?!!!

Tune in Feb ’05, ’cause www.williambrucewest.com is gonna be the place to be!

In the meantime, today was monumental in the Westverse. Ju-wan got fired and Bruce quit. My people are leaving! I swear, if Brandy quits, it’s all over. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: H&M store #71 is going to be an entirely different place come February. Will I stay around to witness the changes? Stay tuned…

P.S. Thanks to all of you who used some form of modern communication to wish me a Happy Birthday! I appreciate the kind words from those of you who contacted me!

20th Dec2004

New Site Design!

by Will

“‘Fra-gi-le’…it must be French!”

So, as you can see, there are some changes afoot. I’d like to thank Jenn for putting aside grad apps to work on my site. i swear, my hold over women is…nonexistent. It’s just a testament to what begging can get you on a cold winter’s night. Yeah, I begged…what of it?

So, we’ve got a fresh, new blog. And now you can leave comments. ‘Cause SO many of my posts deserve audience participation, and y’all seem afraid of the guestbook. Don’t worry, the guestbook is still an option, but let’s have us some comment action on the main board!

We also have a new color scheme. The old one was…how do you say? Gay? Yes, gay. I love me some baby blue, but after a yr of that motif, it was time for a change.

Speaking of a yr, our anniversary is coming up. I’ll bet you’re saying, ‘But we just had an anniversary!”. Well, that was the one yr anniversary of my blog, which originated in the old days as “The World According to a Russian Exchange Student.” This upcoming anniversary celebrates the yr since williambrucewest.com was christened and the blog was given a new home.

Since all these poseurs and imitators have arisen, I decided it was time to step it up a notch. I’m the OB: original blogger! I keeps it real! So, Tarek, how’s that livejournal shit working out for you now? What’s that? I guess you can’t respond seeing as how you haven’t posted in 4 days!!! I believe the e-beef is done, and I am the master Chef!

Enjoy the new site, y’all!

“Celebration, bitches! C’mere, Cholly Muphy!”

13th Dec2004

A Whole Bunch Of H&M Shit You Don’t Care About & The Return of Natalie

by Will

“Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.”

Seeing as how it’s the holiday season, from now until Christmas, I’m going to start each day’s post with a quote from one of my favorite Christmas movies. Try to guess this movie; I dare ya!

For you newcomers, my friend & archnemesis, Tarek Sultani AKA “The Singing Bush”, has decided to wage a cybernetic war against me. At first, I laughed at his feeble attempts. But, I’ve got to admit: the bastard’s funny! Plus, I read on his site that my own girlfriend has joined his ranks in pursuit of my downfall!! Pretty soon, this blog is going to turn into my daily account of how they “almost got me”!

By the way, Jenn’s not dead. OR James has found a way to post to Jenn’s site AS Jenn. Either way, I’m still suspicious…

Now, down to the nitty-gritty.

I hate my job. Yes, i’ve said this before, and I know some of you are thinking, “Wow, it’s been awhile since a good ‘I hate my job’ post was on this site!” Well, here it is. Yeah, training was a hoot, and I LOVED the Doubletree, but as many of you know, I HATE CHANGE. When I came back to my store, it was like someone had recast my entire show! People were missing, people were leaving. Didn’t really like the new people. It was one big fashion-retail clusterfuck!

The old faithful sales assts are hitting the road, while all of these new colorful characters are coming out of the woodwork. PLUS, we’ve got new managers. Now, sales assts are one thing, but managers are in charge. These are people I HAVE to listen to.

As for the new department managers, the great, underrated Elvis hit, “In the Ghetto” comes to mind. I mean, when the Hell did H&M become Job Corps? Every time I come to work, I expect metal detectors and a surprise visit from my parole officer! By the day, I’m losing more and more respect for H&M’s current hiring practices.

OK, I’m being a snob….but it’s deserved! My main problem is that these chicks are coming here, not even trying to learn how we do things. Instead, they wanna shake shit up, without having a strong foundation. “Frankie says ‘relax’.” They really need to be “watchers” before they become “doers”

Now, remember how i got a promotion? Well, apparently, so did some other guy. New to the company. Seems like they double-booked the position. So, we both have it, which seriously affected my raise because it limited our budget. Either way, I have a partner, and this ain’t “Lethal Weapon”! There’s no buddy-cop vibe here. In fact, they schedule us at different times so there’ll be no real confrontation. Which sucks because we do the same tasks in completely different ways. We’re gonna spend most of our shifts cleaning up after each other . I knew about this guy when he finished training. I was told, “Oh, he’s just gonna fill in until you finish your training.,” I knew it was too good to be true. Smelled fishier than a Taiwanese whore (wow…). So, I get back to my store, and they’re like , “Yeah…Kevin’s coming back next week.” This puzzled me until I just kinda forgot about it. Then, this morning happened.

Yolanda came in and said, “We have 2 ‘new’ people coming back today.”

“Who are they?”

“Oh, Kevin…the other admin. And Natalie.”

Yup, you read that correctly. That star of MANY a summer’s blog returned to work today. Does that bother me? No. I’m am doing OK, and I couldn’t explain that whole saga if you asked me to. You’ve gotta admit: it WAS good readin’. Other than that, that’s all I got. So, no, it’s no big deal. But it WAS the most awkward day that I’ve had in some time. Having to deal with Natalie and Kevin on the same day…I was having a SERIOUS “case of the Mondays”.

So, I also learned that on top of the new admin responsibilities, I’m STILL the Sr. Sales Asst in the Men’s Dept! How the fuck am I supposed to do all of this? I’ll BET Kevin’s making the same thing I am, and he’s not got all this shit to worry about. I LOVE the Mens Dept. i do. Honestly, I miss the days of simply running racks and dealing with JAP-bitch customers. Plus, did I mention that one of the hoodrats is my new Men’s manager? I haven’t had a Dept. Manager in 6 months!!!! That dept was MINE. No interference. it was a fucking Free Zone. Now, I have to answer to someone I don’t even respect?!! I’m sorry, as long as this chick says “Aks” instead of “Ask”, I can’t look at her with a straight face. “Let me aks you sump’n.” HAhaha…see what i mean? She even makes me e-laugh! This is gonna be a LONG winter. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m worth more than this. Not even in a “spiritual” sense. Economically, I’m WORTH more than this!!! I’m not money hungry, but eventually you have to call a spade a spade. Very confused and lost… I leave you with the great Sam Cooke:

“It’s been a long
long time comin’
But I know
A change’s gone come
Oh, yes it will.”

09th Dec2004

James, Did You Kill Jenn and Not Tell Anybody?

by Will

So, I’m starting to think Jenn’s dead. For you newbies, Jenn is my friend & webmistress. Why is she dead? Here’s the evidence:

1) She hasn’t updated her blog in 3 weeks

2) I haven’t really spoken to her on the phone in AGES

3) Her boyfriend, James, is really down these days

4) All messages to and from her are channeled through James

Can anyone say “Laci Peterson”? Don’t worry, Jenn! I’ll start combing through landfills and I’m gonna bring James to justice! Somebody better call Johnny Cochrane..

Looks like I’m gonna have e-beef on both sides now…

Speaking of “e-beef”, I’ve got to say that Tarek is giving me a run for my money. While he’ll never steal my fanbase with that livejournal thing of his, he’s got some good topics. I’m kicking myself for not having thought of “Chicken Run” myself. Very clever. Touche, mine adversary. Touche, indeed…

08th Dec2004

So, Tarek’s Got A Blog…

by Will


Apparently, I have a new enemy. Laugh, children. See what becomes of a fool when he doesn’t know his place…

Let the e-beef begin!

06th Oct2004

First Family Missed Connections

by Will

So, my new hobby is reading the Missed Connections on Craigslist.org. These things are just too funny sometimes. But guess what I found the other night. First, I have to give Wonkette credit for pointing it out ’cause I just kinda skimmed it the first time i read it. So, look closely to what I mean…

“Secret G-town bar – w4m – 22

Reply to: anon-44420088@craigslist.org

Date: 2004-10-03, 11:18PM EDT

You walked through the hidden iron doors on Saturday night looking very dapper in your suit. It looked like you were with your family, possibly siblings. A pair of twins, perhaps? That runs in my family, too. I watched you talk about mail order frogs with some floosie. I wanted to share my love for amphibians with you as well, but it is so difficult with the secret service always following me around. Will we meet again on the corner of Wisconsin and O?

this is in or around Georgetown”

It’s one of W’s daughters! Those twins use Craigslist to find their crushes! This is just too sad/cool! Man, I’ll bet Chelsea never resorted to anything like this. Then again, Chelsea was kind of a dog back then…