18th Aug2005

So, Trekkies Are Pedophiles, Eh?

by Will

“My parents aren’t gonna do anything to you! It’s not like they’re gonna spear you…What? We’re African. That’s all people think of Africa: elephants, spears, and monkeys!”

Lawdy, lawdy, they’s comin’ fo’ us! There’s this report floating around, in which the LAPD make an interesting confession: apparently, there’s a correlation between love of Star Trek and pedophilia. Actually, it’s reported that out of 100 arrests over the past four years for child molestation, all but one of them were “hardcore Trekkies”. Let the profiling begin! “Excuse me sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to put down that phaser, and open up your attic.” Or

“Excuse me sir, do you know how fast you were going back there?”

“No, officer, I don’t. I was just trying to get home. I forgot to TiVo Star….Search. Yeah, love that Ed McMahon!”

“Star Search, eh? Well, while we’re here…does the term “Kobayashi Maru” mean anything to you?”

“Sure It’s the test given to all cadets at Starfleet Academy. The trick of the test is that it cannot be passed. But James Tiberius Kirk was the first person to beat the test because he cheated…SHIT!”

“Well, looky here! We’re gonna have to take you downtown, pervert! You’re gonna live long and prosper behind bars!”

“NOoooo! There…are…four…lights!”

End Scene

Wow, I really got carried away there.

The sad thing is that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I mean, this hits close to home, but it’s SUCH BULLSHIT. Then again, have you BEEN to a Trek convention? You know that cousin that the rest of the family’s ashamed of? Now, multiply him by about 5,000, and you’ve got a Trek convention. Sure, everyone comes with their own level of commitment, but I was more afraid at a Trek convention than I was in Russia when all of the kids were trying to touch my hair, like the zombies in “Shaun of the Dead” or something…

Some people have tried to explain how it’s all Kirk’s fault because he taught us all to seek risky, instant gratification in his quest to screw any green chick in a miniskirt. Somehow, that translates into making every Kirk-admiring Trekkie a pedophile ’cause, since there are no green chicks (yet), the next worse thing is kids. It’s the whole “exotic becomes erotic” theory (Any Bem fans out there? Man, were they one colossally screwed up family!) But, if you wanna read up on the report, try these links:



03rd Aug2005

In Space, Only The Exploding Consoles Can Hear You Scream

by Will

Trekkie Gripe
The following is from a convo I had with Brian:

WESTMAN2K: they didn’t like to focus on it much, but by the time they made it home, the only crew left were basically the senior officers. the pesky maquis were cannon fodder. the few, loyal, starfleet officers onboard were victims of enemies or the freak overloading panel

WESTMAN2K: what is it about those panels? we can build a ship that travels faster than light, but we can’t revolutionize surge protection technology?

Shit, if I were on a starship, I’d be nervous just walking down the hallway! You never know when one of those panels is gonna overload and BOOM! There goes Ensign Jenkins!

I always loved how the conn and ops consoles would overload as a result of an attack. You see the sparks and whatnot, and Nameless Crewman would be dead. But seconds later, Nameless Crewman II has to take his place. And you just know that Nameless Crewman II is hoping the surges hold off until his shift is over, ’cause he’s got shore leave on Risa coming up, and he’s always wanted to make it with a green chick. At this point, he’s kicking himself for not taking that assignment on the trash barge, and he truly hopes to find out if it IS easy being green…

19th Jul2005

The One Where I Talk About Cornell’s Secret Societies

by Will


Captain’s Log: Stardate 052019.7
So, I’ve been doing this dance since 2003, and I typically post anything I want. But it has finally happened. I’m having a Woodward moment. I’ve got a post I’d REALLY like to write, but I’m afraid. You see, I know I’d be biting off more than I can chew, and I don’t want to open that box (MMmm…mixed metaphor?). What, pray tell, am I afraid of? Secret societies.

That’s right. I want to write about collegiate secret socities. But I’ve learned that many of these are tied to more powerful, non-collegiate secret societies. What may start as an examination of Quill & Dagger, one of Cornell’s secret societies, would then lead to an examination of Skull & Bones, which would then lead to an examination of that fact that George W. appointed 2 Q&D and 11 Skull & Bones members during his first term. Then, I would have to address the fact that Skull & Bones is considered a branch of the Illuminati. I’m talking real Section 31 kinds of stuff. No, I can’t have that. That simply will not do.

I would, then, write about the fact that Quill & Dagger’s rival society, Sphinx Head, has been recently revived on campus after 30 yrs of dormancy. I might even discuss the fact that one person cannot accept membership in both. It’s actually quite the controversy when someone is “double-tapped”. I’d write about the fact that Sphinx Head is older, yet Q&D has more prestige. Then, I might even dangle the tidbit that Cornell’s oldest secret society is actually Chancery, which was started when law was still an undergraduate major. When the law school was established, Chancery disappeared. But recent rumors suggest that it has been resurrected.

I would discuss the fact that Sphinx Head take credit for both the pumpkin and disco ball being placed atop McGraw Tower, despite the fact that there is no proof. In fact, it seems that they’re taking credit simply to give themselves more clout on a campus that is in drooling awe of Quill & Dagger and its secret rituals.

I might even venture into that other Ivy school (you know, the one that sucks), and its secret societies. Bet you didn’t know that Skull & Bones had an island, did you? Well, they do. And both John Kerry & W were in the society. Wonder what kind of fun times they had…

But I’ve said too much already. I must go, for my life may be in danger. I may be blackballed for this. I suppose I won’t even get to write about my own Q&D experience. Yes, I DO have one. But that is for another day. If that other day is to come.


Someone is at the door…

Never forget me and make sure my story is told….

*muffled sounds of struggle*

-End Transmission-

29th Jun2005

Preparing To Say Goodbye To Kids WB and Weekday Children’s Programming

by Will

So, this Fall marks a dark era for daytime television. Why? Because Kids WB, the last survivor in the weekday afternoon cartoon programming act, is pulling out of the game.

For over 30 yrs, children could look forward to coming home from school, plopping down in front of the TV, and watching their favorite shows. In the beginning, the shows were all syndicated. Eventually, the Saban-Fox powerhouse known as Fox Kids entered the playing field, and gave us 10 yrs of quality toons (and some crappy imported shit, too) before going to that network in the sky back in 2002.

But the kids still had Kids WB to entertain them. Of course, they had to have an appreciation for Jackie Chan and Pokemon out of the ass! Actually, Kids WB became the official Otaku Poseur Network. It was a showcase for the latest gotta-catch-em-all-collectible-card-game shit being peddled to us from the East. That shit gave kids seizures! (Yes, I DO realize that episode of Pokemon never aired in the US, but oh how we were willing to forget). But did we learn our lesson? No! Kids WB became the little shitty anime store behind the mall, and the viewers fled to cable. So now, Nicktoons is sweeping the ratings board, while Kids WB is still hoping someone cares about Ash & Misty.

No, this isn’t an anime-bashing post. I love me some Cowboy Bebop and Sailor Moon. My issue is that networks never seem to stick to what they know, and it’s hurting them.

To me, I never really understood the practicality of a studio owning a network. I mean, I get it, but it never worked out like I had envisioned it in my head. I remember when UPN was about to debut,and there were all of these commercials listing every show Paramount had contributed to society. The list rattled through “Star Trek”, “Family Ties”, etc. Now, a studio-owned network was a strange, unfamiliar beast at this time. GE owned NBC. Capital Cities owned ABC. Westinghouse owned CBS. And Fox…well, it was a bastard orphan.

Now, imagine my surprise at this new development. I was under the impression that this UPN would be a place where I could find all of the great shows of the past. It was to be a network of “class and tradition”. After all, they were sitting on a vast library of shows that they’d already produced, and surely they’d crank out new shows at the same level of quality. Right? Right? WRONG. People love to think of UPN as “that Black channel”, but if we go back to the beginning, we’ll find a different story. After all, WB was the Black network in its infancy. UPN, on the other hand, just gave us a lot of bad shit across the color spectrum. Anybody remember these shows: “Marker”, “Nowhere Man”, “Platypus Man”, “Diresta”? I’ll bet you don’t, but check IMDB; they all exist. These fools tried to build a network on the shoulders of Richard Greico, Bruce Greenwood, and Richard Jeni. Who? Exactly. For much of that network’s life, “Voyager” was its lifeblood. Why? Because it was the only show that understood what it meant to be “Paramount”. The rest was just a couple of bad phases in a 10 yr-long identity crisis.

“But Will, I thought we were talking about The WB.” Oh, I’m getting there. You see, the WB started not only at the same time, but also on the same foot, as UPN. Only WB was on the other side of the railroad tracks. They wanted that “urban market”, which consisted of picking up every Black show that had been canceled from the previous season of TGIF. Namely, “Sister, Sister.” Man, did they get some mileage off of those twins! The only speck of White on that network was “Savannah” (anybody remember that show? Mmm…Jamie Luner). Warner Bros, one of the biggest studios in Hollywood, sitting on a celluloid dynasty, insisted on going out on a limb to be a “niche network”. Well, turn on WB50 and let me know how well that worked out for them.

Anyway, when they launched Kids WB, it started just as half-assed as the prime-time half of the network. There they were, trying to compete with Fox Kids, being beaten in the ratings by Fox Kids shows….which happened to be produced BY Warner Bros! Did anybody get that? “Animaniacs”, “Tiny Toons”, “Taz-Mania”, “Batman: The Animated Series”… Fox Kids’ most popular shows were produced by Warner Bros, and WB didn’t have the rights to show them. Who was flying this plane? Why was I working a year in retail, while “network executives” made stupid decisions like these? It wasn’t until Kids WB acquired Pokemon that it gained footing, but that was also when the sound of the approaching Horsemen could be heard in the distance. It was all downhill from there…

It’s been said that the demise of Kids WB is not due to ratings, but rather FCC regulations. You see, the FCC considers any “on-air self-promotion” to be commercial time. And there ain’t a network out there more narcissistic & self-promoting than the WB. That’s been it’s claim to fame since it began. Sure, the shows might suck, but they all seemed to be having a blast on the backlot singing Dubba-dubba-WB with Michigan J. Frog. I always said that if I had a show, I wanted it on the WB ’cause it looked like they were having so much fun, and I could party with the kids from “7th Heaven”. You know how preachers’ kids can be! (Yeah, I have a tendency to blur fantasy with reality). Well, there are HELLA regulations for childrens’ programming ’cause it has to be clear where the show ends and where the commercial begins. Otherwise, it looks like you’re trying to deceive the child viewer (Yay, HD Degree!) So, in essence, Kids WB is one big commercial, with some shows interstitially worked in. For a while, that formula worked. It made it seem like they had a lot of programming, when they were actually getting by on the cheap. They’d recycle old Batman footage to make it look like he was hanging out with the Powerpuff Girls. Man, that shit made me mad…It’s not like they HAD to do this. After all, this is the network that owns frickin’ Bugs Bunny. They’ve got 60 yrs worth or animation, but they forget where they came from. They got experimental, and didn’t keep it real. It’s been said that Turner (majority owner of Warner Bros) keeps the library close to his vest, and doesn’t let Kids WB or Cartoon Network have free reign of the archives. OK…but if you care enough to invest in a NETWORK, you’re gonna have to loosen your grip a bit.

So, due to these developments, the afternoon version of Kids WB will be no more. Yes, they will try to carry on with the Saturday morning block, but Fox tried this and failed. You see, without the weekday block, you have nowhere to promote the weekend block. You can’t promote “Yu-gi-oh” during a “Very Special Episode of Gilmore Girls”. And with kids, it’s virtual peekaboo: out of sight, out of mind. Eventually, Disney will swoop in and buy whatever’s left over, so that they can wallpaper Hell so that it looks familiar when we all get there. Disney will be the death of us all. And it’s partly because a few dumb businessmen didn’t know what they were doing, therefore making it a cakewalk for Disney to become our new overlords. Yes, I give Disney AND the entertainment industry THAT much credit. They bought the Fox Kids library for close to $1 billion and all that did was give Haim Saban more money to shuttle into the Hilary Clinton campaign fund. Interesting side note there: Haim Saban, creator of the “Power Rangers” is a BIG Clinton donor, even though Hilary spent much of the first term trying to get that show cancelled. And it’s not like he’s paying them hush money; he’s supposedly a close personal friend of the family. Guess nobody told Hilary…

So, rest in peace Kids WB, you Pokemon-breeding bastard. Oh, and…Hail, Disney!

06th Feb2005

Will Answers Your Questions!

by Will


  • If you were stranded on a desert island and could only have one CD, one food, and one tv character with you for three years…. what would they be?

    If I only had one CD, it would have to be “Journey: Greatest Hits”. Laugh if you wish, but this CD has EVERYTHING. Plus, as cheesy as people like to remember Journey, they inspired every major pop/soft star today. Now, you may not exactly like these styles of music, but greats such as Mariah Carey (the Good Mariah, not the hooch Mariah) list them among their top influences.

    Plus, you’ve got any style you want on one disc. For a romantic slow song, you’ve got “Faithfully” or “Open Arms”. For the pensive, brooding song, you’ve got “Send Her My Love.” And the sheer bombast of “Don’t Stop Believin’ ” would motivate me to construct my Raft To Freedom.

    One food? That would have to be Monogolian BBQ from Cornell Dining. There’s a reason it was voted #1 dining hall in the country. Plus, I DID live off of it for an entire year. I ate it everyday, sometimes twice. Ask anyone. It’s how I got my Sophomore 30!

    One TV character? The Adam West Batman. Come on, is there ANYONE more entertaining? This guy was the George W. of Superheroes; just looking at him, you knew he had NO BUSINESS in that role, wearing that suit, but he overacted hard enough that it was SO bad it was good.

    Plus, it’d be hilarious to spend 3 yrs with him, as he kept pulling stuff out of his utility belt, such as Bat-Shark repellant, which would inevitably fail to provide rescue or safety. It’d kind of be like an experiment to see how far a man must fall before he cracks. ‘Cause I get the feeling that, for the 1st yr, he won’t even take off his mask. He’d take off the cape, maybe even the suit. But I feel like he’d be stark-ass naked on that island just wearing a cowl, and you can’t PAY for that kind of stranded entertainment.

  • For the sake of posing a more original question:

    Have you ever written any songs of your own?


“More original question”…I smell a catfight! Anyway, no, I haven’t written any songs of my own. Why? Because that part of my brain doesn’t work. It’s true!

You see, I’m a smart kid. I’m at a place in my life where I can honestly say that. BUT,
don’t get “abstract”. I can think outside of the box, but the creative, like lyrics and poetry, eludes me. You have to hit me in the face with a dead cat to understand poetry.

I get the themes, such as Winter is Death, yadda yadda, but when someone is trying to
convey their feelings, I get lost. That’s why I hate when people are like, “Listen to this
song -the lyrics mean so much to me.” And the song turns out to be “Glycerine” or something, and all I can say is, ‘Wow, I love this song. It’s awesome!” And they respond with, “It’s not awesome; in fact, it made me consider taking my life.” No joke, I’ve been in these situations.

I tried to write songs, but they all ended up as those country-esque “I’m so lonely” songs, and there are really only so many times that it should be legal to rhyme “heart” & apart” or “alone & phone”. Hell, what did people rhyme with “alone” prior to Bell’s nefarious, yet convenient, invention?

I have, however, composed songs. You see, prior to the a cappella, I played piano for 10
yrs. When I started singing, I had to use the piano part of my brain. Now, when i was
playing, I was “classically trained” (am I the only person who hates how pretentious tha
sounds?) , but I only used that to play all of the cliche parlor songs, such as Fur Elise an
Moonlight Sonata. My true passion was New Age. Laugh if you want, but nothing calms
me down like Enya & “Pure Moods”. So, I started composing New Age music. I had a
Music Technology class in high school with synthesizers and stuff, so by graduation, I had a good album’s worth of material. But, get this, the school went under, and they have no idea where my disc is. If that shit resurfaces…

But my New Age claims to fame are “Silver”, named after my mother, and ‘Ellie’s Mirage”, written for my grandmother, who loved to hear me play.

Oh, and I play a MEAN rendition of the Star Trek: Voyager Theme!

03rd Feb2005

Farewell, Enterprise: Paramount Closes The Door On TV Trek

by Will

“Le roi est mort; Vive le roi!”

Well, it’s done. We’ve clamored for it for the past four years, with chants of, “It’s not the ‘real deal’!” and “It’s not true to continuity!” We kept saying that it should be cancelled, hoping that the producers would see this as a mandate to make the show better. But today, they called our bluff, for UPN announced the cancellation of Enterprise.

For the first time in18 yrs, there will be no more new “Trek”. Since 1987, we’ve been given over 624 hours of Starfleet adventures. Enterprise didn’t even make it to 100 eps. By the end of its run, it’ll clock in at 98. Almost 100 episodes for a show that was almost good. They were so close, but they kept painting themselves into corners. Honestly, Paramount’s lucky they found some fans gullible enough to follow Voyager for 7 years! After Janeway made it home, they should’ve closed up shop and cut their losses, which would’ve saved us from the shitstorm known as “Star Trek: Nemesis”.

So, what valuable lesson has Star Trek taught us today? IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU KNOW WHEN WALK AWAY. After all, you can only take so many trips to the Mirror Universe…

16th Dec2004

Where’s MY Confidant?

by Will

Today’s Episode: “Where’s My ‘Melissa’?”

So, recently, I’ve been thinking about friends…You know, what they mean, who they truly are, etc. A lot of us throw around the term “friend”, but is it always accurate? A lot of the time, these people are acquaintances. Or people we wouldn’t mind getting drunk with. But will they really go to bat for you?

Shelly’s got a ton of really great friends. There’s Pete. There’s Leigh. But the one who stands out to me most is Melissa. I can’t even begin to describe this friendship. It’s best friend-meets-sister-meets-possible lover in another life. Sorry, girls 😛 Anyway, one of them is basically the extension the other person. Melissa knows how Shelly’s going to feel and react to everything & vice versa.

Well, watching this friendship, I started thinking about my own life. “Where’s my Melissa?” I wondered. Well, I always kinda joked that there’s no one person in the world who can fill that role, mainly, because no one person “gets” me. Instead, to understand that Essence of Will, it would require a roundtable discussion of several. They each bring something to the table and understand a different facet of me. If you could put them all together, you’d have the full story on me. But instead, you have to track these people down if you want the “real deal”

First, there’s Tarek. Right now, I’d say he’s my Melissa. I have never been through more things with one person. But at the same time, I’ve enjoyed each and every moment of it. And he’s a member of my family. Seriously. Never has anyone done as much for me, or been there for me like Tarek Sultani. Yeah, we’ve been adversaries at times (it was a low ratings period…), we always bounced back better than ever. Plus, have you ever had anyone, just 1 month after getting their license, drive 400 miles, in the snow, just to surprise you on your birthday? There’re are tons of other stories, but those are for another day. I just can’t imagine him not being there…

Next, there’s Brett. Brett and I grew up together and used to indulge in the “play date”. Even when we kinda grew up and it was just about comics and Star Trek, they were still play dates. Love him to death, but I feel our friendship is just really starting. Which is a great thing…don’t get me wrong! It’s just it’s on a whole new level now. Anyway, if you want to understand who I was, he’s the one to tell ya. Even if we don’t speak for 20 yrs, we’d always be able to just start back where we ended.

Then, there’s James. Wow, James Lamb. When I first met him, I KNEW he was bound for greatness. I guess it’s why I hitched my wagon to his. Anyway, I had NO idea he’d be as volatile and controversial as he has shown himself to be. Which is AWESOME. there’s never a dull moment around James. But also, he kinda inspires stuff in me. If you ever wanna know my sometimes deplorable views on politics and the world around us, ask James. You guys get my cynicism, but he gets the real deal, and helps me censor it so it sounds nice on the printed page. I think his dark side inspires mine, so if you’re digging for dirt, and all of the thoughts and I ideas I have, but know I shouldn’t, he’s definitely the guy who’s gonna sell me out! He knows the “uncensored” me.

Then, there’s Lip. I never thought we’d be where we are now. He was always “AJ’s friend”. But over the years, including a summer living together, all of that has changed. WAY too much for me to write, but he’s the one who knows the person I want to be. He knows the somewhat lofty goals, and he’s a good pace car to let me know if I’m on track for said goals. Plus, he’s got a good bullshit detector, and a short temper. He’s a hoot to be around when he’s pissed…

Now, this brings me to the question of “Who knows all of my unspoken stuff?” Rather, who knows what I’m thinking without me having to say it. Who can match me word for word, idea for idea, and I can’t stump? It’s not a game to me. It may sound like it, but it’s more about “who just ‘gets’ me?”

31st Oct2004

Star Trek: Boston

by Will

For all you Trekkies out there, whining about how much “Enterprise” sucks, I’ve got news for ya. There’s a better Trek show out there. It’s called “Boston Legal”. OK, so it’s not officially a Star Trek show, and Yes, it IS a spin-off of “The Practice”. But it’s got Capatin James T. Kirk AND Odo! Yes, KIRK & ODO. So, they’re not necessarily PLAYING Kirk & Odo, but it’s the same actors, Bill Shatner & Rene Auberjunois. Just sit back and pretend it’s a very elaborate Holodeck episode.

It’s better than Trek. I swear, this is almost as good as watching Odo & Neelix on old episodes of “Benson”! You won’t be disappointed! On second thought, you probably will…

12th Sep2004

Davis and the Hooters Girl

by Will

This episode: “Hair of the Dog…”: Two-Part Season Premiere

Special Guest Star: Davis

Introducing: Erica

So, it all started Friday night. Right after H&M lowered its gate to customers, I got a call from Davis. Not supposed to have a cell phone on the floor. But I’m a rebel. Rules are for missionaries and sweepstakes. Plus, the store was closed. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, call from Davis…

So, he tells me he’d met a Hooters girl the prior week and she was throwing a party. All I heard was “Hooters” and “party”. I was still kicking myself for missing the Polly Esther’s “Girls Gone Wild” party 2 weeks ago, so this would fill that void…

So, I finish working, he picks me up, we proceed to DC to find this party. Hooters Girl has a name, which is Erica, and it turns out this party is a surprise for one of her friend’s birthday. So, we get there, and she just happens to be in the lobby. Adorable girl, and very friendly, to boot. So, we go upstairs to the party, but alas, this be no Hooters party I envisioned. Instead, for all you Cornell kids out there, it was a Risley party. No short shorts or dumb blondes. Instead, it was a very Urban Outfitters crowd. You know, the kind of people you don’t feel cool enough to actually hang out with? The kind who are always kinda hovering on some cooler plane of existence than you? Yeah, those people…But they were cool. And boy could they drink.

Anyway, the minute we get in the door, we meet the birthday girl, and partake of the “birthday shot”. Don’t ask me what it was, but it was green and it was good. But very few safe things are green in hue. I sort of remember making an Ecto Cooler reference. We went up to the roof, I watched them smoke, while I moved on to beer.

Sidebar: In college, I hated beer. It was for commoners. Keith had forever ruined me by introducing me to the drinking world with the lovely creation known as Seven & Seven. From that moment on, I was a mixed drink kid. No beer for me. Beer was for construction workers and gullible sorority girls…

Well, now I have seen the light, and beer’s been getting me a lot drunker than any of those mixed drinks ever did. So, they’re smoking, I’m drinking, we discuss cell phone horror stories, City Paper “I Saw You” ads, and the interlibrary loan system. But like I said, awesome people! I really mean that. I mean, Erica could debate Star Trek and anime! Something about that ain’t normal, but it’s oh so nice. So, we go back inside. I’m on beer # 2. Which eventually leads to #3. Keep in mind, I haven’t eaten in 6 hrs…Suddenly, I had an epiphany: I think I’ve had enough to drink. Seriously, I don’t remember ever feeling that way in the past, but I had hit a wall. i had reached a point where I felt it was no longer a good idea for me to drink. Not sure if it was my Spidey-Sense or what, but to drink anything else would’ve been a bad idea…

So, Davis’ friend from high school is a senior at UofMD, and he has a house..so, you do the math. So, I’m about to be the old guy at the house party. Before we leave the first party, Erica doesn’t finish her beer, and Davis just offhandedly says, “Here, Will. You finish it.” It was only half full, so I went against my vow, and imbibed a bit more, finishing the bottle. “That’s it,” I told myself.

Now, for the good stuff…Davis, Erica, and I are driving to College Park, trying to figure out if we’re going the right direction. Cops are everywhere ’cause the semester just started. We stop at a light, and the cops just happen to be behind us. Davis then says, “I hope they don’t decide to run my tags or something back there.” Why? Because he just sold his old car, and had the 15-day tags for the new car he was driving. But wait, there’s more! The temp tags had expired, so his friend had given him his mom’s tags to use, until all the legal stuff was straightened out regarding sale of previous car, etc. Long story short, “stolen tags” on car we’re in. Yeah….

Cue lights. Cops pull us over right after we get through the light. I’m too drunk to really be freaked or nervous. Erica was surprisingly calm. In fact, I think we all handled it very well. But who should call my cell at that exact moment? Natalie. Yup, all the stars were out tonight, folks. Well, I wasn’t gonna risk getting shot answering my phone, so Nat had to wait. Davis explained the situation to the officers, and they were really cool about it. They were gonna write a $255 ticket, but he had the old tags with him, so they just told him to pull into a parking lot and put them back on.

So, reattached tags, car in motion, we find the house, and it’s your standard teen movie college party. Although, the crowd seemed really young. I guess it was predominantly freshmen. You ever realize how young they look? I mean, really…So, I kinda just went to the kitchen to chill. But then I saw it: the Kegerator. I mean, it’s a refrigerator filled with beer! A monstrosity of this magnitude must be explored. So, I have a beer. No harm, no foul. I just kinda lean back against the counter, ’cause i wasn’t in “walking shape”. Then, all these stoner white dudes kept coming up to me, like, “What’s up man?! You missin’ the party!” I was like, “The party’s right here. I’m just chillin’.” They’d fire back with, “I hear you man. I got you!”. So, to deal with this, I had Kegerator beers #2, #3, and then I lost count…

I kinda remember dancing with Erica, and we both complimented the other’s moves. As for the ride home, no clue. Passed completely out. I remember Davis saying, “Will, we’re here.” I was like, “Where’s here?” He responded, “Your house!” I opened my eyes, and said, “Well, I’ll be…that IS my house!” I stumbled out of the car, said goodnight to Erica and Davis. I stumbled into my house, somehow managed to take out my contacts, and passed out right in my clothes…

End of Part One

Part Two

Special Guest Stars: Shelly, Bruce, Susan, and Christina

So, Saturday morning. I wake up to the alarm. Crap, I missed the premiere of “The Batman”. I knew something was wrong with me when that didn’t really register on my care-o-meter…

That’s when I noticed I was still dressed. Random Wolverine-like flashbacks started creeping in regarding the night before. Then it hit me: I might be hungover….”Whatever you do, do it slowly”, I told myself. No need to conjure up the juices if I didn’t have to. So, I just kinda stayed down for a few minutes, testing to see if I was gonna be sick. I’ve only been hungover thrice in my life, so I never quite know what to do in these situations.

I sit up, and it hits me. I feel sick. I run to the bathroom, nauseous, but nothing happens. But I know it’s on its way; timing is everything!

I have this thing where running water soothes me, so I turned on the faucet, and just kinda knelt down, praying & begging to get this over with quickly. Eventually, I pseudo-threw up, but it was more gagging than anything. And I knew the show wasn’t over yet. So, I kinda sat on the bathroom floor for about an hr. Water running the whole time. Feeling sicker than i ever have. Begging for death.

During one stretch of this marathon, I was on the floor, and my mother tried to come in to tell me she was ging to the bank. Keep in mind, she had no idea what was going on, and my foot kinda stopped her from being able to open the door. Regardless, she somehow saw some part of me on the floor, and was all worried. I told her I just didn’t feel well, and I was just resting….

I finally mustered the energy to shower. And that’s when the fun started. Once again, found myself kneeling, not really in control of the situation or the processes going on. But I actually felt better when it was all over. I swear, WORSE HANGOVER EVER. So, I get dressed, and decide to lie down before leaving for work. Bad idea. Stomach churns. Spidey-Sense tells me “run to the bathroom”, and when it speaks, you’d best obey! I got there just in time. BLORRCH!! What do ya know? Green. Remember what i said about green earlier? Nothing good/safe ever comes in the hue of green! yeah, I guess I should’ve warned that this was gonna be graphic….

So, Mommy takes me to work, and I kinda stumble out of the car. I get inside, and everyone’s like, “Man, you look WRECKED!” Luckily, my shift began in the stockroom, so i didn’t have to deal with customers. But word traveled about my sickly nature, so i quickly became the staff joke; the lastest museum exhibit: “Go see Will! He looks like shit!”

And I had my mind set on leaving and just coming home. But how? Mommy didn’t know I was drunk, and she’d be pissed if she had to come back and get me. And I’d probably die on the bus. So, I had to figure out if I could really survive the evening. Shelly was really cool about it, which helped. I mean, I felt bad about being in this state at work. Not exactly professional, plus we had a new girl starting. I just had no idea I would be this WRECKED. So, I alternated between working, running to the bathroom, and pseudo-blacking out. I was in BAD SHAPE.

Thankfully, Bruce agreed to take my shift in the fitting room, and i was able to hide a bit longer. I’m not sure what happened, but in this final hour, I got my strength back. I know there are some moments I can’t account for, but next thing I knew, I was back. And it felt good. And I swore, “Never again!” Which is funny, ’cause about 3 hrs later, I was thinking, “I could really use a drink right now…” Oh, I’m such a Tony Stark!

So, after work, Susan, Christina and I went to Dave & Busters. We were all starving, and I figured it’d be a good idea, since we didn’t get out of H&M til about midnight. It was really a good time. Susan kept heckling me about the night before. I never should’ve used the words “Hooter’s Girl” around her. She’s never gonna let that go. I hadn’t even MET Erica when I’d told Susan I was going to the party (she was present when I got Davis’s call), so I didn’t have a name to go on, but she thinks I was just drinking to impress this girl. No, I was drinking to….well I don’t really HAVE a reason for all the drinking, but I was impressing NO ONE…

Anyway, I’ve hung out with Susan before, and that’s always cool, but it was great getting to know more about Christina. I mean, she’s a beautiful person inside and out. With a GORGEOUS smile. She’s been working at H&M for awhile, but I’d never really gotten much time to talk to her. Instead, I go through the whole kindergarten route of “I’m gonna get attention by picking on you”! I really need to stop that….But I KNOW what you’re thinking, and NO. It’s not like that…I’m still processing everything from Sapphic Summer ’04, so I’m not about to go into “pursuit mode” anytime soon. I just think it’d be nice to have a museum buddy…

So, I kept my vow, and DIDN’T drink. In fact, I’m not sure if I will anytime soon. In the past, after my rare hangover, it’s kept me away from alcohol for months on end. I don’t see it having that drastic an effect, but we’ll see…Anyway, this concludes our two-part season premiere. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode: “Terror Behind The Wheel”! It’s gonna be about drivin’!

26th Apr2004

Shopping Spree & Newport Cameos

by Will

Today’s Episode: “Will That Be Credit or Debit?” Episode #04102226

Special Guest Stars: Kea Dupree, Alex Cowan

Cameo Appearance: Beth Don

So, today, I was a bad boy. Mommy’s in NC with Mr. Earle for a funeral, so I’m Kevin McCallister for the moment. I didn’t really want to be home, even though I have some MAJOR cleaning to do. I’ve been sleeping in the guest room since December ’cause my room is so junky!

Anyway, I didn’t want to stay in, so I decided to go out…in the rain…shopping. I know I probably shouldn’t have, but I really wanted to buy stuff. It’d make me feel better. Plus, I worked over 85 hrs during the past week and a half, so it’s not like I couldn’t afford it right now. I’ll just be regretting it later.

So, ever since being introduced to Death Cab for Cutie, I’ve really been hooked. Since they’re a fairly new group, the collector in me took over, and I’ve been trying to track down every album. Anyway, I’ve been a real music mood, so you can see where this is headed….

I’m just gonna list where I went and what I bought. That’ll give the best picture of my adventures.

CD/DVD Exchange:

Elton John – Live in Australia

Elton John – Two Rooms

Starship – Knee Deep In The Hoopla

Baywatch – Hawaiian Wedding DVD

Tower Records & Videos:

Elton John – Greatest Hits 1970-2002

Elton John – Remixed

Death Cab for Cutie – You Can Play These Songs With Chords

Death Cab for Cutie – We Have The Facts and We’re Voting Yes

Westlife – Turnaround

Rufus Wainwright – Want One

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Season 1 DVD


Star Trek – Federation Gift Pak

Borders Books & Music:

Something Corporate – North

Blender, May 2004


The Punisher DVD

So yeah, spent a LOT of money. Kinda having the Buyer’s Remorse….

I completed the Death Cab collection, but I’m also on this Elton kick. He is AWESOME! I completely blame Courtney for this ’cause she had his greatest hits playing ALL DAY yesterday! After awhile, that stuff is just gonna seep in.

So, I think I saw Ethan’s mom when I was at Gamestop, but since I didn’t really confirm whether or not it was her, we’ll just give her a “cameo” credit.

While at White Flint, I ran into Ms. Kea, AKA The “Dolly” to my “Cornelius” (Newport kids’ll get that reference). She’s just as cute as ever. It was great seeing her, but I felt so inadequate seeing as how she’s practically working 4 jobs right now! She’s really on the ball. It’s actually kind of motivating. It was good to catch up with her and find out the whereabouts of some other Newportians.

On the way home, I’m minding my own business, reading my Blender, on the Metro. Suddenly, this tall White guy in a cowboy hat and leather jacket stumbles into the car. I look at him, wondering, “Who the hell is this guy?” I look closer and realize it’s Alex! I haven’t seen him in years, but he’s the same Alex I remember and love. He scanned the car, and he looked at me, but didn’t recognize me. I decided to wait and see if he’d notice me. He sat down a few rows up, and just waited for his stop. He took off his hat, and there was a chunk of hair missing on the side. Don’t folks! This wasn’t the result of an accident. This was a statement. He always did have a way with fashion. So, he gets up for his stop, and I call out his name. He kinda hears it, notices me, and is shocked. He stumbles over to me and we talk, but he has to get off. I told him we’d hang out soon since I’d been hanging with his sister recently.

I swear, everyday, there’s another person I never thought I’d run into. It’s almost like I’m being set up. But it was still awesome to see them both. And great spending ALL THAT MONEY 🙂