06th Aug2003

A Tribute To Nintendo Cereal

by Will

So, I’m sitting here, and all of a sudden the theme song to Nintendo Cereal comes into my head. Anybody remember Nintendo cereal? It’s bags were half the width of most cereal bags, so each box had two: one was Super Mario Cereal, while the other was Zelda Cereal. I always ate the Super Mario ’cause I hated the berry taste of the Zelda. Anyway, the song was basically the SMB underground song. You all know what I’m talking ’bout. “Doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doot”. For you hardcore NES fans, it’s the song from most Level -2 stages.

So, I’m sitting here and I start singing “Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doot. It’s for breakfast now. Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doot. It’s a cereal, Wow!” I’m sure my coworkers must think I’m going insane, and they would be correct in that assessment. I would blame it on alcohol, but due to the pancreatitis, I won’t know the sweet taste of alcohol for the next 6 months! So, when you go out to the bars, drink one for me 🙁

27th Jul2003

I Guess It’s Better Than What They Normally Give You

by Will

Am I the only one who finds it funny that Taco Bell has a contest giving away a year’s worth of gas? Taco Bell’s gonna give you gas….Wow! I’d love to meet the man behind this promotion and shake his hand. This has got to be the most tongue-in-cheek form of self-deprecation any corporation has embarked upon.

25th Jul2003

Lost In Life & Joey Spin-Off

by Will

I feel like I’m drowning, yet I’m not in any water. I hate this whole system, from work not being able to give me an idea of how long I have a job, to airlines wanting $500+ just so I can go to some event I don’t even want to attend. My days have gone from diligently working on graduation progress sheets to blogging and reading webcomics. I really don’t care anymore. This is a temp position, and they’ve made that pretty clear, but I’ll be biding my time online til they finally get the stones to let me go. I think I’m going to hit bottom soon, both emotionally and psychologically, and I’m kind of scared what that’s going to be like. I just hope I’ll be able to bounce back from it. Anyway, unless I get an e-mail about a job (yeah right), I’ll be wasting the next few hours reading PvP.

BTW, NBC’s giving Matt LeBlanc his own “Joey” spin-off in the Fall of 2004 once “Friends” goes off the air. OK, I love Joey and all, but do they really think this is going to work? Not only does this news ruin the entire Ross-Rachel-Joey triangle that they’ve built up, but I really don’t know if Joey, sans Chandler, can hold my attention. The network claims it will be the same as when “Frasier” spun off of “Cheers” back in ’93. Yes, that did elaborate on Dr. Crane’s life, but I don’t know if lightning’s going to strike twice. I’m going to try something new, though, and not bash it until I see it. So, this rant will be continued in September 2004.

23rd Jul2003

Maybe A Dingo Ate Your Fiance

by Will

As if I didn’t already hate the Beach Boys, the annoying girl in the office just professed her love for them. Rather, it was phrased, “Oh my God, do you have more Beach Boys? You know their song, ‘Little St. Nick’ that they only play on oldies radio stations around Christmas? That song is SO CUTE. My boyfriend’s family love that song and they used to play it all the time.” I swear this girl is out to prove she’s a hetero girl. Everytime I turn around, it’s “My boyfriend, my boyfriend”. She’s so overkill about it. She’s always talking about how her exes won’t answer her when she IMs them. Ok, we get it! You’ve had boyfriends. From an HD perspective, she hasn’t had very many or else she wouldn’t talk about them all the damn time! Instead, she’d realize that we don’t give two shits about them or her history with them. She’s starting to sound like the Seinfeld episode where the woman keeps going on about her fiance. “Where’s my fiance? Where could he have gone?” Finally, Elaine answers, “Maybe a dingo ate your fiance.” Well, I wish a dingo would eat this chick’s boyfriend, as well as her annoying ass.

23rd Jul2003

I Just Saw Partial Nudity on CMT!

by Will

When did Country Music Television get so hot?!! That mess is steamier than MTV’s been in years. Woke up this morning and saw the controversial “I Melt” video by Rascal Flatts. Let’s just say there’s something in that video for everyone. Definitely not the healthiest way to start my day, but I’m not complaining. On another note, where the fuck is my “Seduction of the Innocent”? I swear if that guy ripped me off….

22nd Jul2003

The State of MTV in 2003

by Will

What to rant about now? Oh yes, MTV. Woke up this morning to see Video Clash. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but this is the first time that I’ve noticed MTV borrowing program ideas from their European counterparts. I saw Video Clash last summer when I was in London, watching MTV Europe. I saw it and said, “This is a clever idea. If only we had that in the US.” So tell me people, has this been around for awhile and I’m just now noticing, or did I really see the future last year?

All you perverts out there best shed a tear, for the word on the street is that t.A.T.u are going to that little lesbian schoolgirl fantasy in the sky. Ok, they’re not dying, but the brunette’s mad at the redhead (do they even have names?!!) ’cause redhead’s spending too much time with her boyfriend, and the media’s picking up on the fact that “Hey, these two little girls ain’t lesbians after all!” Their manager’s expecting the worse, but it’s not like he hasn’t gotten his mileage out of them.

Who in the HELL gave Pharrell a record deal that included singing?!! Did we learn nothing from Sean “Puffy” Combs/Puffy/Puff Daddy/P.Diddy? Those who can sing: do. Those who can’t: produce. Yeah, I know the ladies love him and he’s cute and all, but that’s not enough.

Speaking of music, why is B2K so hot? I hate to point this out, but they’re simply using ‘Nsync’s moves, two years too late. Normally, White music is stealing from Black (Elvis, anyone?), not vice versa. I see all these concert specials for them, and the girls are going crazy. Not in that ghetto fashion either, but in that “I’m a white girl from Connecticut and I’m gonna marry a Beatle circa 1967” kinda way. I think it’s even sadder that Marquess Houston is joining ’em for this tour. He already had a shot at this when he was in Immature/IMX. Now, he’s all solo and he’s hanging out with kids. Oh, I can’t wait til the day Nick Carter starts hanging out with his brother Aaron just mooch off of his fans. This is the same exact thing.

When did VJ’s stop being cool? Remember 10 years ago, when you had Daisy, Idalis, and Kennedy? These people were too cool to have last names. They were cool BECAUSE they didn’t have last names! Now, I’ve got Hilarie Burton and Kuddush, or whatever that fool’s name is. Hey, a misspelled name does not a cool VJ make? These kids have no personality. The old ones were cool (OK, not the original ones, but that whole 92-99 variety). I used to want to be Simon Rex, but now I’d rather be Kurt Loder

21st Jul2003

How To Deal With Mandy Moore

by Will

So, I saw the new Mandy Moore movie, “How to Deal”. You know, if she can maintain her charm and innocence, she’s got quite the future ahead of her. While watching the movie, there’s no doubt that she’s adorable, but it’s virtually impossible to think of her in an impure way. She comes off as your best friend’s little sister, who you’ve known since she was born. Hell, I want her to be MY sister! Plus, her best friend is played by the same girl who was Ross’s underaged girlfriend on “Friends” (the one whose dad was Bruce Willis). Man, did she put on weight! Hey, it’s no Oscar contender, but it’s a cute movie.

17th Jul2003

Whatever Happened To Kidnapping & Radon?

by Will

What ever happened to kidnapping and Radon? I remember the ’80s, when kidnapping was the worst thing that could happen to your child. In fact, the only way it could have been worse was if the child was being kept in a building contaminated by Radon. Families were advised to test their homes and make sure that it wasn’t harming their kids. Now, here we are in 2003, and not only is Radon the red-headed step-child of common American fears, but it’s never spoken of. Where is it? Did we get rid of the Radon? If so, why was I not told? I would’ve liked to have taken part in the “Farewell Radon” festivities. We could’ve had a parade, with everyone wearing gas masks, you know, for old times sake. We could have a mascot of a Radon detector (were there Radon detectors?) Anyway, I’d like to know where this threat ran off to!

Running….that brings me to my next topic: kidnapping. Is it just not a threat anymore? For kids, that is. You don’t hear anything about that anymore. The closest thing is when someone is carjacked, and they happened to have left their kid inside during the whole thing. I remember that every show in the ’80s was required to have a kidnapping episode. Hell, “Diff’rent Strokes” had two! These shows are probably the most memorable ’cause they were aimed at scaring the living shit out of kids. I still remember Arnold and Kimberly being locked up by the crazed man. I also remember when Sam (WAY after the shark had been jumped) was kidnapped and integrated into another family by his kidnapper. Of course, Mr. Drummond saved the day, which just sent the message that “Money can solve any problem”. Had the same thing happened to Arnold or Willis, without any intervention from their sugary foster-dad, those would’ve been two little boys you wouldn’t have heard from again. Ahh..the joys of ’80s television. From those shows, I learned:

1) Cool cars always seem to get airborne if driven fast enough

2) Kidnappers are just lonely

3) Money solves all ills

4) Orphans have the best lives EVER

5) When white parents adopt black kids, hilarity ensues

6) Never underestimate your housekeeper: he’s/she’s either really cool, the wisest person you’ve ever met, and/or the love of your life

17th Jul2003

My Love For David Hasselhoff

by Will

Argue with me if you will, but I say that David Hasselfhoff has to be the coolest guy on the face of the planet! Let’s look at the facts: He got his start as a soap opera star, which didn’t exactly hone his thespian abilities, but it got him into the public eye enough to be cast in the most groundbreaking show of the 1980’s: “Knight Rider”. Why was Knight Rider groundbreaking? Well, it introduced the world to a sleek talking car, with the brain of a computer. Now, I realize that K.I.T.T. probably had the processing capability of an Apple IIe, but I see him as the inspiration for the OnStar system. I know that it utilizes actual people, but it’s the same concept. David Hasselfhoff had the luxury of being this car’s driver, and for that, we all worshipped him. He was a pioneer, of sorts. We loved him and everything he did, and we wondered how he could top such an incredible performance. We weren’t prepared for what would come next: Baywatch.

Baywatch cannot even be described in words. In essence, it made people hot. Sure, David had lost a bit of his luster since Knight Rider, but the beach, the women, the sand….they all added something to his mystique. It had that effect on everyone on the show. I stand by the statement that Pamela Anderson was not hot until she was on Baywatch. She spent years on Home Improvement, virtually unnoticed. She never achieved the attention that her successor, Debbe Dunning, received. Yet, when Pam got to Baywatch, all of that changed. Anyone could be on Baywatch, from former Hardy Boys and soap opera stars, to ex-convicts and swimsuit models. There were only two requirements: you had to love the beach and you had to listen to Mitch. As seasoned lifeguard Mitch Buchannan, Hasselfhoff held the crew together. Not only was he a father figure, but he was a sage. He had all of the answers, and as spoofed by “Son of the Beach”, he was the world’s greatest lifeguard. Mitch was the lynchpin that held it all together. How would he follow this success? Well, we’re still waiting on the answer to that question, but I can’t omit mention of his stellar German pop music career. Do you want details? No. This whole thing was tongue-in-cheek. But I DO love David Hasselhoff. Anyway, I highly advise you download the song Night Rocker, because apparently he’s “gonna rock you all night long”. Oh, David, when do you find time to rest?

11th Jul2003

All That Schooling Led To THIS?!

by Will

Heh, late to work today. Means no lunch today. Why is it that we go to school for 20 years of our lives, just to work for the next 40? It’s not like I’m applying anything I learned in school to this job. The required skills are more akin to a double agent or a criminal rather than a college grad. I’m constantly scheming and trying not to get caught doing something bad. Sometimes I feel like I should just surrender to the authorities and give up, rather than keep up this charade. This is hard! I really don’t know how some people are looking forward to the “Real World”. Frankly, I’m terrified of it. It, and Road Rules too. OK, that was a poor attempt at humor, but who’s gonna stop me?