16th May2007

Dress My Nest, Scrubs, Reality TV Background Characters, and The Future of Syndication

by Will

“And when the sky is falling, don’t look outside your window.”

So, I actually posted the other night, but due to a faulty wifi connection, it has been lost to space. Yup, no backup and nothing in the drafts folder. It sucks, too, because it was pretty stream of consciousness. I don’t even remember what it was about at this point.

Anyway, I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately, and this is sort of my State of the Television Address:

1) On Dress My Nest, former Queer Eye decorator Thom Filicia redesigns womens’ living areas to reflect their clothing style. This premise sounds sort ot hokey, but I’ll go with it. My problem, though, is with his assistant, Erika. I’ve read a lot of reviews on the show, and the general conclusions is that she’s probably there for Thom to bounce ideas off of, yet comes off sort of useless.

After watching the past 6 episodes, I’ve come to realize what she *really* is: She’s Thom’s hag. You see, we’ve got this whole stereotyped culture where no gay man is complete without his best galpal. And there’s the counter stereotype that no Big City single woman is complete without her “gay husband”. Yet, what strikes me is that Erika is very attractive. Not your standard hag material, which then made me realize that she’s the worst kind of hag: she’s single hottie hag who’s high maintenance as Hell. She’s the chick who just can’t find that “perfect guy”, and falls in love with Thom between her failed relationships. He ain’t having it, and would rather help her pick out a new pair of shoes. Or maybe this is all in my head and I’m going too far…

2) I don’t think there’s a better comedy than Scrubs on TV. That said, I find that Scrubs is usually so wrapped up in gimmicks that the special gimmick episodes don’t work. Case in point, the “sitcom” parody episode was on last night, and it’s really not that funny. I’m not sure if it was supposed to be unfunny, as a sort of slight at the genre, or if the formula just didn’t work for them. Scrubs never would have made it as a multi-camera, live-studio-audience sitcom. Then again, Three’s Company never would have made it as a single camera, non-laughtracked comedy. The musical episode of Scrubs also left a lot to be desired.

3) Man, what happened to The Riches? It started out so promising, and now I don’t even care anymore. I feel that’s the problem with most shows on FX. They are all about these amoral, anti-hero characters, that you don’t know whether you want to root for them or see them get caught in their lies. Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me, the Shield, Dirt, The Riches… all of these shows are mired in this, and while it has proven successful, I wish FX would stop going back to the well.

4) I feel bad for the employees of work-based reality shows who *don’t* get to be cast members. From Inked, to King of Cars, to Work Out, there are people who work at these establishments who just aren’t considered “TV” enough to be featured. How does this happen? I mean, do they film really early before the rest of the employees get to work? Do they give them paid days off to repay them for stealing their shot at fame?

If you hop over to www.skysportspa.com, you’ll see that there are about 22 trainers working for Jackie Warner, yet only 7 are in the Work Out cast. Now, I understand the need to keep things contained, but I’d love to swap out a few people. Erika contributed almost nothing to this season, so I’d love to replace her with Aimet, who appears to be the most ripped Black woman I’ve ever seen. In fact, Aimet and a few other of the female trainers snuck into episode 2 this season, when Jackie decided to have her girls night slumber party. They still didn’t let Aimet speak, though. I think they should rotate the cast in and out, because I like the show, but I’m tired of most of the trainers.

5) I am all about the Andy Griffith Show right now. I’m not sure why, but something about its downhome sensibility hits all the right notes lately. Also, Sheriff Taylor has some beautiful girlfriends, from Ellie the Pharmacist to Teach Extraordinaire, Helen Crump. It’s amazing that such a slackjawed everyman pulled women like that. Don’t get me wrong; I know that Andy Griffith was considered a handsome man back then, but there was something very “Clark Kent” about that role. Almost like they didn’t want him to come off too suave, so instead, he becomes this slow, drawling nice guy.

6) Speaking of frumping up for a role, I’ve had a real hard time watching I Love Lucy in recent years. The more I learn about that cast, the more I wish the show had been a reality show moreso than a sitcom. First, Vivian Vance was the hot one, but was uglied up so that she wouldn’t overshadow Lucille Ball. Vance had the more established career, until that show came along and pretty much had her typecast for life. Also, though, anytime I see a Fred & Ethel scene, it’s weird knowing that they’re not acting. William Frawley *hated* Vivian Vance, and on numberous occasions, referred to her as “That cunt”. Sure, it’s a classic sitcom, but I’m wondering “what if?” What if Vance had broken out as a sitcom star? What if she had been cast as Lucy? Would she have, then, married Desi Arnaz instead? It boggles the mind…

7) How I Met Your Mother is renewed for another season! Rock on! This actually wasn’t a surprise to me. I had a conversation with a guy from CBS last week, and I asked him about the fates of The Class and HIMYM. So, when CBS made the announcement yesterday, I was in the know. Man, it’s nice to actually “know a guy”.

8) Nick @ Nite’s qualifications are really starting to piss me off. So, everything I grew up with is now on N@N, yet there are glaring omissions. Family Matters? Hogan Family? Alf? My Two Dads? I know that these things are wrapped up in contracts, but it seems like Nick’s hurting when they resort to showing AFV. I mean, America’s Funniest Videos already comes on 2 other cable networks, which *aren’t* owned by Viacom, so what’s the need to take away a valuable N@N slot with something you can already see 3 times a day. it would be like giving Seinfeld a N@N slot (which, mark my words, should be about 3 years away.)

9)I think The CW or MyNetworkTV should buy up all of the TNBC library and run it weekday afternoons. People my age don’t realize it, but there aren’t any kids programs on basic TV in the afternoon anymore. Fox Kids was sold to Disney back in 2002, Kids WB went weekend only back in 2005. The only programming is on PBS, and it’s mostly for toddlers. The Saved by the Bell rights are always snatched up since it’s considered this “classic”, but I would kill a man to see California Dreams again. Or Hang Time. Or City Guys. Or even the horrible Malibu, CA or USA High (not TNBC, but still Peter Engel shows). When Aaron Spelling died, people always spoke of how many shows he’d created. That’s great and all, but when Peter Engel passes away, I hope he gets the same accolades. The man single-handedly programmed NBC’s Saturday morning for more than 10 years. Sure, a lot of it was crap, but so were most of Aaron Spelling’s creations.

10)Everyone’s worried about global warming. OK, I’ll take on a lesser cause. I’m worried about syndication. There used to be a rule that, to be syndicated, a show needed to be on the air for 3 seasons OR 100 episodes (whichever comes first). 3 seasons would yield about 66-70 episodes, but once you hit the 100 mark, you were set for life. That’s why Tina Yothers doesn’t work. That Family Ties money is still rolling in. You won’t be rich, but you won’t starve either.

Nowadays, though, shows aren’t lasting that long. It used to be that I could predict which shows would be entering sydication the next season. Then, the internet came about, and it would announce these things. But the cold, hard truth is that we’re running out of shows for syndication. These slots are being filled by court shows. Around here, *nothing* entered syndication this year. All they did was shuffle what was already there. Will & Grace, Girlfriends, Friends, Raymond…Nothing new.

Next fall, there’s Chappelle and Family Guy. One is good and one is bad. Family Guy has enough episodes to keep it nightly, but Chappelle only has about 30 episodes available. This can’t be “stripped” (meaning shown 5 days a week) because you’d burn through it in a month. Hence, this is the type of show that you put on Saturday nights, after the news and Mad TV. When no one’s watching. Plus, it’ll be cut for syndication (all syndicated episodes are trimmed about 2 mins to make room for commercials) and edited for content.

I’m not saying that I want crap shows to last just for us to have syndicated shows (this actually happens a lot, especially when a studio is trying to recoup their money). I am saying, however, that we need to find alternative show sources. Maybe go back to the 80’s concept of 1st-run syndication. This is when you take a show that has never been on a network before, and you just put it on a crap station like a former UPN affiliate during a saturday afternoon. Small Wonder, Hercules, Too Close For Comfort, Mama’s Family, Xena and Baywatch were all successful in first-run syndi. Also, game shows, like Jeopardy & “The Wheel” are considered 1st-run syndi. I know that “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne” is adopting the concept this summer, but it’s also simulcast on TBS, so it really doesn’t count.

If we don’t act now, what will our fat children watch on the weekends, as they resist our pleas for them to go out and play? What about the kids?!

11th Jun2006

Pants Off Dance Off Sucks. But It’s Got Stephanie Tanner.

by Will

“You did NOT just fuck me with a Last Call condom?!”

So, the blogosphere is all up in arms over the news that Jodie Sweetin, Ms. Stephanie Tanner herself, is the new host for Fuse Tv’s “Pants Off Dance Off”. They’re all saying, “Oh my God, people will be stripping, on television, to music videos?! And our former, darling ‘pin a rose on your nose’ Stephanie Tanner has sunk this low?”

Hold on, folks. First off, the chick’s just gettin’ off crystal meth, so she ain’t the little angel y’all remember. In fact, she was hooked on meth WHILE married to an LA cop. That takes BALLS.

But the most important thing to know about this show is that is sucks. No, seriously, this is the shittiest thing I’ve ever seen. I beg you to hop over to: http://www.fuse.tv/upload/pantsoff.php

See for yourself. They have clips of Season 1, and I guess they realized they needed to jazz things up a bit, hence the addition of Steph as the new host.

But I reiterate: this is the shittiest show I’ve EVER seen. And I’ve watched MTV Russia, the first season of UPN, and every show that ever aired on TNBC. And they were all Emmy-award winning compared to this dreck.

I don’t know what angers me most. The fact that most of these people can’t dance? The fact that the videos in the background are some generic trance clips made on an Apple IIGS? The fact that trance is impossible to sexy-dance to anyway? Or the fact that they’ll take ANYBODY. And I mean ANYBODY.

And from what I can tell, the host nevers strips, so there goes the only possible reason for watching the thing. “Let’s pack it in boys. Steph ain’t gettin’ naked after all.”

27th Aug2005

Looking Back On Buckaroo Banzai

by Will

“No matter where you go, there you are.”

Soon the leaves will change, and I will be reminded of the tool that I was, growing up. Now, don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed my antisocial status. My Saturday’s were planned to a T. I’d wake up, partake in some TNBC action, and then I’d hunker down and watch whatever craptastic movie Channel’s 5 and 20 had to offer. But out of their entire film libraries, there are two movies that always put a special feeling in the air:
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension . Today, I had the pleasure of revisiting the latter.

Let me try to somehow explain why I ever liked this movie. It’s like the producers went up to a 7 yr-old and asked, “Hey, kid..what do you wanna be when you grow up?” And the kid responded, “I wanna be a super hero, and a rock star, and a rocket scientist, and kill aliens, and have a flying car…” Why do I say this? Because all of the above describe the title character of Buckaroo Banzai. He is all of those things, and I’m not being metaphorical. He is an alien-fighting, rock star, comic book hero, with an advanced degree in physics. Plus, his band doubles as his superhero support team. Yeah, on my most imaginative day, I can’t believe some studio greenlit this, even in 1984.

Just looking at the cast, you get the picture that it’s not gonna be an easy stroll through the park. Peter Weller (Robocop) as Buckaroo tips ya off, but anytime you have John Lithgow AND Jeff Goldblum, you’d might as well send the thing straight to video. Lithgow’s most sane role was the crazy preacher in “Footloose” and “Goldblum” is Hebrew for “hope you’re ready for weird”. And we round it all off with the great Christoher Lloyd. Yeah, it’s no wonder this thing only has a cult following.

But these lameass reasons are the same reason I love it. I can’t believe a studio greenlit this movie! It’s that simple. It’s not even one of those films where you’re like, “I’ll bet this rocks when you’re high.” No, if you watched it under the influence of something, you’d probably go on a killing spree. It’s that much of a mindfuck.

I don’t know what touches more. Is it the bubble-wrap safety goggles? The cowboy named “New Jersey”? Or is it the irresistable “Pretty Tommy”, who surprisingly is NOT a pimp? The aliens disguised as Rastafarians? The fact that they willingly endanger that 11 yr-old kid AND give him a rifle to shoot at people? It makes no sense on paper, and it makes even less sense to watch.

The beauty of the whole film-making process in Buckaroo Banzai is that you KNOW they’re trying to weird you out, but not in that artsy Tim Burton-esque way. There’s no real method to the madness, just a balls-out “why not?” approach. Sure, you could ask, “Why is Buckaroo ALL of these professions?”, but the movie subtlely puts forth “Why NOT?” And once you accept that, all bets are off.

My experience today was just like it’s been the past 2o-odd years I’ve watched this masterful train wreck. The thing comes on, and the events unfold like this:

Minute 1: “Oh, man! ‘Buckaroo Banzai’ is on! Well, got nothing else to do today…”

Minute12: “OK, I think I’ve had about all I can handle.”

Minute 22: “Wow, is Robocop really singing ‘Since I Don’t Have You’? I’m gonna have to see where this is going.”

Minute 37: “I really can’t do this anymore. Fucking Goldblum in that cowboy outfit makes me wanna hit somebody.”

Minute 62: “Man, no wonder Ellen Barkin’s career went nowhere.”

Minute 70: “Guess I’ve gotta ride out this storm.”

Minute 103: “I can’t believe I just sat through that whole thing. Oooh…’Baywatch’!”

Well, the Baywatch part didn’t occur to me today (God rest its bouncy slow-motion soul), but it never fails that the same exact thoughts go through my mind. And I just find it touching that a movie can make me feel the exact same way, each time, over the course of so many years. I think THAT’s what keeps me coming back for more. I go for years without seeing it, and I come back older and wiser, yet I still ask the same questions.

And after 20 years, I still don’t know what the fuck this movie’s about! I’m serious. Something about an “overthruster”, and I know Lithgow looks like he needs a bath…and there’s some guy named “Bigbootie” (Awww….Big booty, big booty, big booty!). But in the whole “how much shit can we possibly cram into this movie?”, the creative team behind the film gave plot a back seat. I’d be so bold as to say there is no plot. These were the 80’s. A time when some bastard created “Toxie, the Toxic Avenger”, and somehow spawned a cartoon out of that. My point is that in the “Me Generation” no idea was too farfetched, and “Buckaroo Banzai” is one of the best examples of that.

Well, that’s enough sharing. Once again, I’m pretty sure that Austin’s the only one reading this who’ll even have a clue as to what I’m talking about, but he’s my target audience for the pop culture throwback posts, so i guess I’m doing my job if he connects. Stay tuned for my next post, which will be a milestone in the Westverse: post #450!

01st Aug2005

Did You Know They Reuse Sets In Hollywood?

by Will

“You gotta have blue hair!”

So, here’s an interesting bit of old school TV trivia that surprised even me:

The main living room set on “What’s Happening?!!” is the same exact set from “Sanford & Son”, without all the junk.

This reminds me of other times when shows shared sets. Let’s take a trip through the 90’s…

-The first episode of “Living Single” was in the “Family Matters” house.

-The first episode of “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper” was in the “Growing Pains” house.

-The high school hallway/staircase used in “Saved by the Bell” were also used in “The Wonder Years” and “Power Rangers”.

-The dorm suite in “Saved by the Bell: The College Years” is the same suite used by the kids on “USA High”

-Actually, ALL Peter Engel shows recycle sets AND actors. TNBC was one big free for all. Watch any of them, and you’ll find yourself saying, “Hey, isn’t that Tony Wicks from ‘California Dreams’ standing in the middle of the ‘SBTB:TCY’ dorm room with that chick from ‘Malibu, CA’?” Trust me, if you’ve ever seen the second season of “USA High”, you know exactly what i’m talking about. Wow, I think I just referenced the most obscure shows in the Peter Engel teen dynasty. Half of the ones I mentioned didn’t last longer than 2 seasons…

Yup, I know I’m impressive….you scared yet? 😛

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